American Idol 2011 - Top 6 - Carole King

American Idol 2011 - Top 7 - Songs from 21st Century

Ensemble - So What? (P!nk)
Remember how awesome it was when we FINALLY got rid of Paul last week? Guess who's back, along with the other rejects from this season? Whatever Steve Tyler says, they only proved why they've already gone. No more no less. Now please, no more.

1. Scotty - Swingin' (LeAnn Rimes).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique mic technique (flute comparisons not inaccurate), he then uses said technique strutting around the stage, around the judges, doing his thing the way he does his thing. At least it was up-tempo and quite different from his usual stool performance. So, obviously, the judges pick THIS week to criticise him for being samey. A bit late, but nice of you to join us.

2. James - Uprising (Muse).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique dress sense, he gives a pretty impressive performance of a damn difficult song. Not a fan of the extra falsetto chorus, but apparently it was a dare from Muse themselves. You know, Muse, the arty, credible band who aren't at all sell-outs. Nope. Not at all.

3. Haley - Rolling In The Deep (Adele).
After getting an amusing critique over her growl and attitude, she appears on a stool in a polka dot gingham dress to sing a song about anger and rejection. That aside, she has never sounded better and whilst she clearly didn't get what she was singing, sounded amazing. (Mostly.)

4. Jacob - Dance With My Father (Luther Vandross).
After getting an amusing critique over his diva antics, we see him rehearsing in tears. As for the live performance, something went wrong at the beginning, but he recovered well and made it through by obviously disconnecting a little, which was understandable. Not a fan of his wailing at the end, but this is one of his strongest for weeks.

5. Casey - Harder to Breathe (Maroon 5).
After getting an amusing critique over the fact that he's batshit crazy, he goes on to make a rather good job of a very wordy song without gasping for air. I actually liked the cheesy choreography and thought it was without doubt his best performance. Not sure about him raping J-Lo's cheek though. Cue Ryan entering stage with a fake Amish beard. So THAT's what Ryan Seacrest would look like with testosterone.

6. Stefano - Closer (Ne-Yo).
After getting an amusing critique over his flirty confidence, Jimmy Iovine struggles again - in vain, again - to get the Stefano out of Stefano. Cue him strutting again, grabbing girls' hands, caterwauling and some embarrassing attempts at sexy dancing. Surprise surprise he's more in love with himself than the song - again, but at least he let the song have a shot at the beginning, before putting the Stefano into it. The vocals were alright. Up until then, anyway.

7. Lauren - Born to Fly (Sara Evans). Nope, me neither.
After getting an amusing critique over her accent (RACISTS!) Lauren does a decent job of an up-tempo country song. Can't really say any more or less than that. She gives each song its proper dues, the anti-Stefano if you will, but is in danger of falling behind in the process.

Wow, good week this week. Nobody was terrible, which is a first. Not counting Paul's cameo, of course.

My top 3: Casey, Jacob and James.

My bottom 3: Stefano. That is all. (But I wouldn't miss Scotty or Haley.)

Results Show
Jacob, Haley, Lauren and Stefano embark on a surprisingly decent version of Hey Soul Sister. Not much else to report.
We then get James, Scotty and Casey performing an initially painful rendition of Viva La Vida, but improves as they ease in.
Casey's safe, Jacob's not.

Former winner David Cook sings his new single. Everyone else pretends to care. I'm sure it'll change the world. Fo sho.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) where the contestants watch a game of rounders, go bowling and get pampered. I notice Scotty's wearing a "Trojan Men" t-shirt. Is the good Christian boy being sponsored by a condom company?

Stefano isn't safe, Lauren and James are. Scotty is safe, so Haley isn't. And then is. So the bottom two is now Stefano and Jacob.

Katy Perry appears upside down to perform ET with Kanye West, half of whose performance was videotaped. Disappointed that Taylor Swift didn't invade the stage though. Quite a spectacular performance, to be fair, even if Katy's voice is far from flawless live.

Stefano's out. Jimmy Iovine may not have managed to get the Stefano out of Stefano's performances, but the American public have managed to take the Stefano out of American Idol. So he gives a very Stefano performance of Lately to confirm that, yep, he needs to go home.

American Idol 2011 - Top 8 - Movie Week

Great. Do we get that talentless homophobic twat Will.I.Am every week now?

1. Paul - Old Time Rock N Roll (Risky Business)
W. T. F. No. Just no. Dressed like a matador, strutting like a chicken, screeching like a chicken.

2. Lauren - The Climb (Hannah Montana)
Rather than having a better voice than Miley Cyrus, they actually sound remarkably similar on this song, and, frankly, Joe McElderry had them both beat. I can't say I felt any emotion the way the judges claimed to.

3. Stefano - End of the Road (Boomerang)
Great. The guy who oversings does a song by the group that oversings. It appears either he doesn't know the lyrics, or I never did. He's still dead behind the constipated eyes, he's still loving himself more than the song, he's still not getting it. If J-Lo thinks he's finally answered her criticism from a few weeks ago, then I take it back- she wasn't right. The point I thought she was making still stands.

4. Scotty - I Cross My Heart (Pure Country)
After surprising everybody by opting for Everybody's Talkin', he caves and goes for... shock horror... a country song. Don't know the song, don't know the film, don't care, don't care, don't care. I'm sure he'll go on to outsell Lady Gaga in the US, but nobody outside of their borders will give a shit. And this is from someone who likes Carrie Underwood.

5. Casey - Nature Boy (no fucking clue)
Obviously we'll have the double bass every week after last week's comments. Well, vocally, we're back in Teen Spirit mode, but at least that performance couldn't have been called boring. Actually worse than Paul. For real. Cue standing ovation from the judges. For real. Yeah, okay make out you didn't waste the save on Casey now that Pia's gone. I'm not buying it. "A true artist". Yes, people have said that about elephants too, you know.

6. Haley - Call Me (American Gigolo)
The most karaoke this season has been so far. At times, pretty awful. Someone's confidence is writing cheques their voice can't cash. Finally, Randy's got something right this week. "I love it when you start wailing at the end". Another backhanded compliment courtesy of J-Lo there.

7. Jacob - Bridge Over Troubled Water (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Glad he got a telling-off for his comments last week. But THAT was an emotional performance. Didn't quite give me the chills as it should have, but hands down best of the night so far.

8. James - Heavy Metal (Heavy Metal?!?)
A while ago I suggested James was becoming the rock equivalent of Scotty. This confirms it. I'm sure it was very good, but whatever.

My top 3: Jacob, Lauren (I guess) and... There isn't a third.

My bottom 3: Casey, Paul, Haley.

Results Show

Scotty and Lauren - American Honey (Lady Antebellum)
It only a matter of time before Scotty ends up singing a Taylor Swift song, isn't it? They're also doing their very best to squeeze the personality out of Lauren by sticking her with the blandest songs and the blandest performer left. Fortunately, she managed to outshine him but just being there.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) in which the contestants dress up as zombies. Alright. James Durbin looks NO different.

Haley & Casey then perform a hellish jazz duet that I just want to forget ever happened. If this is a sign of things to come, they'd better both be voted out tonight. I can'sk takes no mo'.

Scotty is safe. Pun intended. Lauren too, thankfully. Haley's in the bottom three, Casey is safe. Looks like America bought the judges' efforts then.

Rob Reiner gives the contestants some advice on acting or something. Worth it if only for him rubbing it into Casey that he's a poor man's Seth Roegen, although he apparently sees himself as Jack Black.

Kelly Clarkson duets with some country guy on some country song that's apparently a "hit". Glad to see she's holding her own against Carrie Underwood, then. The switch to country is pure coincidence. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep. LOVE her back-pedalling on last week's Casey comment. Egg on MY face.

Stefano, Paul, James and Jacob perform The Sound of Silence as a group together. Way to showcase those vocals. Then Mrs Robinson gives James and Paul their chance to "shine". Oh how I love hearing Paul's beautiful voice in isolation. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep...

James is safe, Stefano isn't. Jacob's safe, PAUL ISN'T!!!!! Woo hoo! They act like it's the first time. Where were they two weeks ago?

Rihanna performs California King in a pretty spectacular fashion. Ah, so THAT's how it's done.

Ryan points out that Haley is safe, meaning whoever leaves will be the first guy to leave the competition. I hadn't even noticed. Thankfully it's PAUL!!! A.F.T.

American Idol 2011 - Top 9 - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

Be warned. This one's particularly sweary.

1. Jacob - Man In The Mirror.
First up we get a hideously arrogant VT (that stands for Video Tape), in which he decides upon Let's Get It On before switching to this, saying if someone doesn't like his performance it's not his fault, it's because they don't like what's in the mirror. Way to get the crowd on side. As it happens, it was a very powerful, well-controlled vocal; it might even have been his best if the VT (that stands for Video Tape) hadn't put me off.

2. Haley - Piece of My Heart.
After some genuinely useful instruction from Will.I.Am (that name is such a pain in the arse to type) in which Haley is persuaded to emote, she then does exactly the same performance again; not in the slightest bit convincing. That said, it was easily her best vocal, although she overdid the gravelly thing in a way that sounded forced to me.

3. Casey - Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
Another switcheroo as Casey changes his mind from Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, to a rather bland, if competent performance. I'd hardly call his consistent use of the double bass "revolutionary", as my enjoyment switched rather rapidly to boredom. I think it's fair to say that that judges' save was wasted after all.

4. Lauren - Natural Woman.
Once again, what starts as a decent vocal turns into something rather bland and boring. A shame, since Lauren isn't. This song is usually a showstopper for good reasons, whereas this just ground everything to a halt.

And those people in the audience who keep interrupting to shout "I love you!" and other such banalities should be FUCKING SHOT. If you love them so much, listen to what they have to say, and give them their moment, don't make it about you.

5. James - While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
Whilst Pia keeps doing ballads and Scotty keeps doing (what sounds like) the same country song, James keeps doing the same rock performance. So I respect his decision to change it up with a ballad, at the risk of alienating the audience's level of excitement, as Will.I.Am feared. Frankly, the last two performers managed that already, so that so this can only shake them up. This should have been outstanding and beautiful, but only highlighted what a great voice James doesn't have, despite the histrionics at the end. However, he did achieve the sincere, emotional performance they wanted out of Haley, even if it did make for a shaky vocal.

6. Scotty - That's Alright Mama.
In Randy's critique, he suggests that this performance proved Scotty wasn't a one-trick pony, as he moved around the stage and had fun. Erm... How can I put this politely? That's fucking bollocks. Despite the up-tempo song, Scotty sat on the stairs with his trademark smug face/wonky mouth/raised mic hand combo before simply walking around the judges' table and then standing in front of them, moving as though he's having trouble pinching one out. This is a very easy song to move to, and lends itself to a great on-stage performance. This was not that performance. Turns out his previous performances must have been rather good after all.
And as for the "spontaneous" stage invasion from the teens, pur-lease. Whatevs. Ryan Seacrest's "acting" put paid to that.

7. Pia - River Deep, Mountain High.
Firstly, FUCK YOU Will.I.Am for dissing Madonna's performing abilities. Yeah, it's difficult for Madonna to scale the legendary heights reached by Fergie and Cheryl Cole. The point he was trying to make stands, however- Tina Turner is a different beast from Pia as a performer, but Pia is clearly more inspired by the Celine Dion version of the song. Sadly, she didn't manage to live up to either on the vocals (though obviously still the best heard tonight), and the stage performance part amounted to little more than Scotty's. Minus the constipation. That was no Tina, Celine, Madonna, Fergie or Cheryl on the performance level. I'm missing Naima this week.

8. Stefano - When A Man Loves A Woman.
He can sing with an impressive range, but there is nothing behind those cold, dead, pretty eyes. J-Lo's talking bollocks again, Randy's getting it; Stefano's good, but missing it. We have one David Archuleta, we don't need another one.

9. Paul - Folsom Prison Blues.
Every week, I can't help but shout "is he still here???" when his overly-smiley Bradley Cooper face pops up on-screen. Singing "I shot a man just to watch him die" with a jolly, jaunty smile on your face just doesn't work for me, even if Will.I.Am persuaded you that it would be a good idea. But, surprisingly, the vocals weren't as painful as usual. Note the "as".

Top 3: Jacob, James, Pia.

Bottom 3: Paul, Scotty, Stefano.

RESULTS SHOW

First up, a rock medley. The three girls kick things off in various keys with disastrous results. When the boys kick in it doesn't get much better. By which I mean none. By the time we get to the third track of this seamless "medley", you're just wishing it to be over.

Cue special guest Russell Brand. Many of them clearly have no idea who he is- either that, or they hate him with a vengeance. The more I see of his acting, the less I like him, so I'm glad here he's in his comfort zone, playing to his strengths, doing his schtick. This basically consists of riffing off the top of his head, talking bollocks and hoping at least some of what comes out is funny.

Kelly Clarkson has a crush on Casey, apparently. Really. I'm sure if he was shoved enthusiastically in front of her she'd totally make out with him. Totally. They'll have little goon kids and everything. Totes. Anyway, Stefano's in the bottom three.

Constantine returns to perform a very bizarre version of Unchained Melody and plug a show he's in. It's part successful re-imagining, part hideous car crash. I can't quite decide which part wins out.

Gwen Stefani (of all people) give the three rather bland girls style tips. Or not. One of the most pointless pieces of TV I've ever seen, to be frank. Gok Wan, she is not, girlfriend. It's all about the confidence. Pia is also in the bottom.

Run VT (that stands for Video Tape). A bizarre press conference rehearsal-type thingy with "news" (gossip) website TMZ. It appears some of the contestants have personalities, some don't. Go figure.

Jacob makes up the rest of the bottom three. Apparently, America dislikes its own reflection. Stefano is visibly shitting himself.

Next up, a very enthusiastically rock n roll performance from human Pepperami Iggy Pop. SOMEONE had to bring the rock n roll on rock n roll week, right? That reminds me, I need car insurance...

The results are in, Pia's going home. THIS is what the judge's save was intended to prevent. Not to save Alice the Fucking bearded Goon. On the other hand, she does make Catherine McPhee appear to have personality, so she wouldn't have been a worthy winner. But she definitely earned her place in the final against this sorry crop.