Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Semifinal 1

Tuesday, May 22, BBC3, 8pm

Tonight sees the first of two Eurovision semifinals. 10 songs will go through to Saturday's final, 8 end here.
The UK don't get to vote in this one, but here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to which song is which, anyway.

[10:30pm: UPDATED WITH RESULTS.]

1. Montenegro
Rambo Amadeus
"Euro Neuro".
This sounds like an old man grumbling over the bassline from Chemical Brothers' "Block Rocking Beats", but that makes it sound far more interesting than it is. There is very little singing involved, if any. Hands-down the worst song this year, so don't let it put you off, it's all uphill from here.
Hook: None I can think of. Dire.
RESULT: Out. Good.

2. Iceland
Greta Salóme & Jónsi
"Never Forget".
An epic Celtic duet whose production instantly conjures mental images of forests, swords, fur coats and leather trousers. The specific melody may not stick in your head, but it will surely be remembered as "that Game of Thrones-y one I quite liked".
Hook: "Forever we'll be free".
RESULT: Through. Great news.

3. Greece
Eleftheria Eleftheriou
"Aphrodisiac".
A memorable and credible club anthem, with a sprinkling of Eastern vibes, like the best song Shakira never recorded, but with less irritating vocals. Its singalong "oh-oh-oh-oh-oh" chorus would also sound great on a dancefloor.
Hook: "You make me dance, dance like a maniac."
RESULT: Through. A no-brainer.

4. Latvia
Anmary
"Beautiful Song".
There's something oddly sweet about the sentiment of this song, hoping that if she wins she (and the song) will become hugely successful. Neither is going to happen, but there is a rather lovely melody in there. Unfortunately something has become lost in the execution, and the weak vocals aren't helping. What could be catchy quickly becomes irritating.
Hook: "Beautiful song is on the radio".
RESULT: Out. As happens to most self-referential Eurovision songs.

5. Albania
Rona Nishliu
"Suus".
One of the slowest, but most powerful female-led ballads this year, this is very simple and basic but features breathtaking vocals from Rona. Namely, lots of Björk-esque wailing, but the song couldn't be more different from her music.
Hook: The massive, held-out notes.
RESULT: Through. It was a classy performance, but clearly not to everybody's taste, so a surprise result.

6. Romania
Mandinga
"Zaleilah".
Daft, gimmicky, playful and insanely catchy. Horns and accordions over a dance beat, it's a fine slice of Eurovision cheese.
Hook: "Zalilalilaleh, every day, everybody."
RESULT: Through. Good for them.

7. Switzerland
Sinplus
"Unbreakable".
The closest thing to a pop-rock anthem this year, it's pretty catchy in a blandly enjoyable kind of way.
Hook: "Swim against the stream, following your wildest dream, your wildest dream".
RESULT: Out. A shame.

8. Belgium
Iris
"Would You?"
Iris, bless her, doesn't have the greatest voice in the world, and this ballad might be amazing in the hands of a true powerhouse vocalist. Whilst it's definitely one of the more melodic ballads, it doesn't make enough of an impact on first listen, but it is a grower.
Hook: "Any other guy would do".
RESULT: Out. Pity.

9. Finland
Pernilla
"När Jag Blundar".
A rather lovely little waltzy ballad, there's little memorable about this one, but it's definitely at worst a pleasant distraction.
Hook: Erm... The cello? She's singing in Swedish, but it sounds like she says "fucked up" in the chorus.
RESULT: Out. Too forgettable.

10. Israel
Izabo
"Time".
Much like last year's Serbian entry, this captures that '60s Carnaby Street vibe, but with a sprinkling of '90s Britpop. In other words, it's as irritating as it is catchy. Which is very.
Hook: "Zman-man, ten li rak siman-man". Which is ironic for a song mostly in English.
RESULT: Out.

11. San Marino
Valentina Monetta
"The Social Network Song".
Originally titled "Facebook", this had to be re-recorded for breaching rules about advertising trademarked names. So "Facebook" was replaced with "Woah-oh"s and "hello"s, but I can't say the song has suffered any, as it was pretty dreadful to begin with. Valentina's inept vocals are smothered in auto tune and she's clearly at least double the age of the character she appears to be playing in a song full of cheap innuendo. Inappropriate, creepy, cheesy and just plain wrong.
Hook: "Woo-hoo, woah-oh-oh. Everybody loves you so."
RESULT: Out. A no-brainer.

12. Cyprus
Ivi Adamou
"La, La, Love".
One of the strongest tracks this year, it's a real club-thumping stomper of a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a Rihanna album. Deserves to be a huge chart hit.
Hook: "Oh I'll be waiting for this la la la-la-la-la-la la la la-la-la-la-la la love".
RESULT: Through. Fantastic news!

13. Denmark
Soluna Samay
"Should've Known Better".
This mid-tempo acoustic ballad is instantly catchy. Think Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", and you'll be in the ball park. It's only let down a little by the mid-section when the rather lovely chorus wanders away, and a very silly costume that makes the female singer look like a toy soldier.
Hook: "Now I miss you, like Sahara misses rain".
RESULT: Through. Hooray!

14. Russia
Buranovskiye Babushki
"Party For Everybody".
Ask most people in the UK what they expect from Eurovision, and this will likely be what springs to mind. Several Russian grannies in traditional costume, it begins promisingly with a Lion King-like chant, but it soon deteriorates out of nowhere into an excruciating pop-Cossack crossover that you will NOT get out of your head. But in a very bad way. UK voters will love it, in a rubbernecking-a-car-crash kind of way.
Hook: "Dance, come on and dance, come on and party for everybody, dance."
RESULT: Through. Unfortunately predictable.

15. Hungary
Compact Disco
"Sound Of Our Hearts".
My personal favourite of this year's ballads, the production reminds me a lot of Madonna's "The Power of Good-bye". Some might consider it bland, generic and over-familiar, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Hook: "This is the sound of our hearts, if you listen".
RESULT: Through. Probably the biggest surprise, but richly deserved.

16. Austria
Trackshittaz
"Woki Mit Deim Popo".
With the "w" pronounced as a "v" this sounds like an inappropriate usage of faeces, but I'm reliably informed it translates as "shake your backside". As rap entries go, this one is infuriatingly catchy. The chorus is hugely memorable and the insistent beat is somewhat infectious. It's absolutely terrible, of course, and yet I can't help but smile and chant along every time.
Hook: "Woki mit dem popo, woki mit dem OOH! OOH!"
RESULT: Out. Quite a surprise, actually.

17. Moldova
Pasha Parfeny
"Lăutar".
An odd title for a song in English (it's a type of musician) this is one of those Eurovision songs that would never ever chart in the UK, yet would get votes from UK audience for its novelty factor. Whilst it doesn't even make my top 30 it does have a certain inexplicable appeal.
Hook: "This trumpet makes you mine, girl".
RESULT: Through. Probably the biggest surprise of the results.

18. Ireland
Jedward
"Waterline"
They're back. Let's face it, last year's Irish entry, "Lipstick" was pure genius. 5 seconds in, it was stuck in your head. This is a far more generic pop-rock song and its lack of gimmicks make it much less memorable. But it's Jedward, so they will find some way to stick in people's minds, as the song surely won't.
Hook: "I am close to the waterline".
RESULT: Through. The last to be revealed, too. Congrats to the brothers Grimes.