The X Factor 2012 - Week 4 - Halloween (allegedly)

Handbags at dawn. We bring you... Breathgate!

Oh, and Lucy Spraggan has been given a week off due to ill health. Get well, Lucy.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Kye Sones - Let Me Entertain You [Robbie Williams]
He hardly has the presence and swagger to pull this song off. Not even close. That said, it was his best vocal so far.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Sweet Dreams [Beyoncé]
Their best vocals to date, and a pretty decent performance to boot, too.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Rylan Clark - Toxic [Britney Spears]/ Horny [Mousse T]/ Poison [Nicole Scherzinger]
Same old, same old. Vote for him, that'll show that mean old bully, Gary. Yawn.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Bring Me To Life [Evanescence]
Top tune, top vocalist. How could it go so horribly wrong? Nicole was spot-on; the song was in the wrong key, it did not suit her voice and just made both her and the song sound all the worse for it.

TEAM GARY
5. Christopher Maloney - (I Just) Died In Your Arms [Cutting Crew]
Chris is a bit infuriating, because he does nothing original, innovative or current- but has a great voice, and performs well.

Ooh Gary just called Tulisa "fagbreath" and Tulisa returned with "red wine breath". Meow!

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Every Breath You Take [Police]/ Beautiful Monster [Ne-Yo]
Their vocals were pretty awful on the chorus. The mash-up had nothing to do with it. The dancing certainly didn't help.

TEAM NICOLE
8. Jahmene Douglas - Killing Me Softly [Roberta Flack]
I've made this complaint before, but this is not a romantic song. It is a song about a singer/songwriter performing a song that you feel could have been written about you. Absolutely NO reason to change "his" to "her" unless you're a homophobe. End of. His vocals were back to tedious anyway.

TEAM FAGBREATH
9. Jade Ellis - Freak Like Me [Edina Howard/Sugababes]
What a catastrophe. Hellish arrangement of a crap song that was only good when mashed up with a Gary Numan song. By the time that kicked in, the damage was done. She deserves so much better.

TEAM NICOLE
10. James Arthur - Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) [Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson]
As usual, he looks a mess but his vocals were pretty fantastic. The arrangement was spot-on for his voice.

RESULTS

Bottom two: Jade and District 3.
Jade goes home.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 3 - Club Classics

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Christopher Maloney - Waiting For A Star To Fall [Boy Meets Girl]
I love this song, but this was cringey cruise ship yellowcoat cabaret karaoke at its finger-clicking, jazz-hands cheesiest. The vocals were far from perfect. It was good fun and I'd have been happy with it, but as a credible performance from a potential music artist it failed miserably.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. MK1 - Gypsy Woman [Crystal Waters]/ Pass Out [Tinie Tempah]
I hated the first song first time round, and whilst they updated its beats, it was just as crap, in exactly the same way. But stopping one song and starting another is not a mash-up, and the second song was completely pointless.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Jahmene Douglas - Say A Little Prayer [Aretha Franklin]
Out come the sob stories, albeit reluctantly (again), but let's face it, Jahmene's voice doesn't usually need it. This week, however, he rivalled Cristopher in the cheese stakes, but the emotional hangover from the sob story have clearly had an impact, so I'll give him a one-week reprieve. Although this song is not what I'd call a club classic, even with a "Mercy" [Duffy] background mash up.

TEAM TULISA
4. Jade Ellis - Free [Ultra Naté]
Given a nice Emeli Sandé drum-n-bass vibe, the song suited her voice better than I would have thought and I quite liked the attitude staging and choreography. Something was lacking, but she was demonstrably ill so she can have a pass too. Not that she needs it.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - Sexy And I Know It [LMFAO]
Erm....... O....kaaaay.... Of all the dance anthems that can be turned into folksy acoustic songs, this is pretty near the bottom. He scowled throughout his "fun" song like he wanted to kill the first three rows, but his vocals were pretty flawless. He's the Anti-Chris, if you will.

TEAM LOUIS
6. Union J - When Love Takes Over [David Guetta & Kelly Rowland]
Not a patch on Matt Cardle's Clocks mash-up version from two years ago, but you can't keep a great song down and they did a decent job. Nicole made good points about their lack of harmonies and energy, but even that was only a partial issue.

TEAM NICOLE
7. Rylan Clark - On The Floor [Jennifer Lopez]/ Don't Stop The Music [Rihanna]/ I See You Baby [Groove Armada]
On mute, he's fantastic. Unfortunately, I'm typing this and therefore mostly listening. He is hands-down the best performer. But this is X Factor, not BGT.

TEAM TULISA
8. Lucy Spraggan - Titanium [David Guetta & Sia]
A big song, and credit where it's due, Lucy's voice held up surprisingly well. Granted, we are getting samey performances, but I really liked the arrangement and am nowhere near bored of her yet.

TEAM GARY
9. Kye Sones - Save The World [Swedish House Mafia]
I'm not convinced that this was as big an improvement on last week, vocally, as it needed to be but it was an improvement, and did make a bigger impact. Still some flat notes though.

TEAM LOUIS
10. District 3 - Beggin' [Madcon/Four Seasons]/ Turn Up The Music [Chris Brown]
With a lot to prove, having (ridiculously) survived last week's (alleged) sing-off, they certainly brought lots of energy. The harmonies were definitely improved, although the Chris Brown section was awful, but they ended on a high.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Ella Henderson - You Got The Love [The Source & Candi Staton]
Another big song, and this time the big voice to match. Nice to hear this minus the Florence screech, although her ad libs subtracted, rather than added. Why the judges misinterpreted Gary's positive comments I don't know. Well, actually I do. See last week.

RESULTS
The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM LOUIS
1. MK1 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved [The Script]
Oh dear. Exceptionally bad female vocals with a rap does not a good performance make, no matter how emotional the performance.

TEAM GARY (yet again)
2. Kye Sones - I Can't Make You Love Me [Bonnie Raitt/George Michael]
Sucks to be Gary Barlow right now. Kye gave a far better, stripped-down vocal here than last night's bigger production. No competition. So he's probably going home.

Louis sends home Kye.
Gary sends home MK1.
Nicole sends home MK1.
Tulisa sends home Kye. Wow, she really is out-Louis-ing Louis.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home MK1. Bye. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. Or do.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 2 - Heartbreak

To those offended by bad language, proceed with caution. You have been warned. But this programme features Louis Walsh so I have no choice.

TEAM NICOLE SHERZINGER
1. Jahmene Douglas - Tears Dry On Their Own/ Ain't No Mountain High Enough [Amy Winehouse/ Marvin Gaye & Diana Ross]
A pretty flat, amateurish performance with lots of banal armography. But his vocals were excellent, and surprisingly restrained. More like this and he may become a favourite.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
2. Christopher Maloney - Alone [Heart]
Don't think I've ever heard a man sing this before, but he has the big diva vocals to pull it off. Can't say it's much less cheesy than Hero, but it was a great vocal showcase and he got some emotion in there too.

TEAM CUNT
3. Union J - Bleeding Love/ Broken Strings [Leona Lewis/ James Morrison & Nelly Furtado]
Looking more and more like Wand Erection every week, they've definitely improved their vocals, although did start to go off-key on the second song. I liked the arrangement too. Luckily, it was Kye's input and not Cunt's that was responsible.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Lovin' You [Minnie Ripperton]
When a beehive is an improvement to your hair, you know something's gone wrong somewhere. Famous for its squeal, this is a mighty song to take on and she pulled it off (just), even managing to give it a bit of sass and avoiding its tweeness.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - No More Drama [Mary J. Blige]
It looked as though Keith Lemon was standing behind him using his arms as James's, the way he flailed about uncontrollably. But he certainly put the drama into it, especially in his gruff vocals.

TEAM TULISA
6. Lucy Spraggan - Gold Digger [KanYe West & Jamie Foxx]
The one-trick-pony that everyone seems to like (myself included) brings out the sob story, albeit reluctantly, as her nan passed away this week. Turning this hip-hop track into a sub-comedy folk song worked surprisingly well. And extra kudos for keeping the gender references. #TeamLGBT

TEAM GARY
7. District 3 - I Swear [All-4-One]
Putting a now-familiar sub-techno beat under a big 90s ballad, completely agree with Gary in that their individual vocals are far stronger than their harmonies. The choruses were not good. I wish I could enjoy Cunt's anger at Gary's comments... but I can't, he's too much of a cunt.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Love Is A Losing Game [Amy Winehouse]
Sounding worryingly similar to Amy (although in a good way), this is definitely a better fit for her voice than last week's song, but there is a danger of her becoming a soundalike. But whichever way you look at it, that was breathtaking.

TEAM CUNT
9. MK1 - I Want You Back [Jackson 5]
Her vocals have certainly improved, but He only subtracted every time He opened His mouth. (I can't be arsed to learn their names). So a 50% improvement on last week. "She" is Charlie, apparently.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Love The Way You Lie/ Thank You (Stan) [Eminem & Rihanna/ Dido]
A brave choice, and Kye's voice has a large range, but this was a bit of a struggle, and quite uncomfortable to listen to. He just about pulled it off, but with his falsetto, less is more and this was more, therefore less.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Rylan Clark - Back For Good/ Groove Is In The Heart/ Gangnam Style/ Pump Up The Jam [Take That/ Dee-Lite/ Psy/ Technotronic]
The survivor of Cuntgate, Rylan milks his trademark breakdowns with all his might, and with his voice, who can blame him? Opting for a kitchen sink approach to mash-ups, it was a car crash that only confirmed him as a novelty act. Cunt gives the most desperate positive review to justify his fuck-up last week. Fair play to Gary for continuing to call a spade a spade. Or a talentless Essex twat a talentless Essex twat. Ironically, the Back For Good bit was genuinely good.

TEAM GARY
12. Melanie Masson - Never Tear Us Apart [INXS]
Starting softly, she soon got to the Joplinesque belting and knocked it out of the park. She is possibly in danger of becoming the other one-trick pony, but at least she has the pipes to get away with it. For now.

RESULTS SHOW
Let's just brush over the return of the finger-wagging airhorn and the cringey talky bit in Taylor Swift's performance.

The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM CUNT
1. District 3 - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You [Bryan Adams]
The sub-techno backing track is back, but doesn't disguise the fact that their harmonies are as bad as ever. Crap.

TEAM GARY
2. Melanie Masson - Stay With Me [The Faces]
You can pretty much imagine what this was going to sound like before she started, and you would have been right. By which I mean splendid.

Cunt sends home Melanie. Obv.
Tulisa sends home Melanie. Bitch.
Gary sends home District 3. Obv.
Nicole sends home District 3. Phew.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Melanie. Gary doesn't storm off.

Thanks to Tulisa's actions, I may have to reinstate Louis's name or this will likely get increasingly confusing.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 1 - Heroes/inspiration

It's back! So, so am I.

WILDCARD RESULT (aka Foregone Conclusion)
Times Red (Team Louis Walsh)
Amy Mottram (Team Tulisa)
Adam Burridge (Team Nicole Scherzinger)
and, through to perform... Chris Maloney (Team Gary Barlow).

TEAM LOUIS
1. District 3 - The Best [Tina Turner]
Doing nothing that any boyband hasn't done for the last 20 years, we get over-singing and poor harmonies. Turning this into a lame mid-tempo ballad didn't help. I'm not averse to boybands nor the song, but it didn't work for me.

TEAM NICOLE
2. James Arthur - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) [Kelly Clarkson]
An interesting arrangement that took some of the cheese out. Not sure about the rap, even though he pulled it off, but his vocals were undeniably strong.

TEAM GARY
3. Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends [Joe Cocker/The Beatles]
One of the best performances from the "overs" we've ever had. Amazing. Ruth Lorenzo, eat your heart out.

TEAM TULISA
4. Lucy Spraggan - Mountains
A bit wordy in the verses, then contrastingly sparse in the chorus. Not the greatest vocal in the world, but she sold her song and told its story.

TEAM LOUIS
5. MK1 - Champion [Chipmunk & Chris Brown]
Full of contemporary attitude (swag, if you will), but unfortunately the vocals didn't match.

TEAM GARY
6. Chris Maloney - Hero [Mariah Carey]
"X Factor Clichés", page one. Fortunately, his vocals were up to it. But yawn. "You need a little burger with that cheese"!!! Go Nicole!!!

TEAM LOUIS
7. Union J - Don't Stop Me Now [Queen]
It's become obvious why George was added, as he provided the closest thing to decent vocals in this performance. Yikes, the groups are crap this year.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Hero [Enrique Iglesias]
I love her voice, but this song didn't match it. Nicole was again spot-on, it was in the wrong key.

TEAM NICOLE
9. Ryan Clark - Gold [Spandau Ballet]
The "comedy" act of this year, and nobody's laughing so they're trying to take him seriously. The song was in far too low a key (i.e. any key) but I have to give him his dues for his performance. He worked that stage. Shame about the voice. Again, fair play to Nicole- I agreed with Gary's comments but she freaking OWNED him with her comebacks.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Man in the Mirror [Michael Jackson]
"X Factor Clichés", page five. Gary is letting himself and his acts down already. That said, it's a great song and he did a great job with the second half. Just forget the first half. The clappy arrangement really grew on me.

TEAM TULISA
11. Ella Henderson - Rule The World [Take That]
As long as I don't watch her, I can enjoy her. (That hair! Those lips! That eye-makeup!) Her vocals are amazing, if a bit on the shouty side, especially against the stripped-down arrangement. Definitely one to watch. Although I have to say the clip used in the recaps sounded bloody awful.

TEAM GARY
12. Carolynne Poole - Starships [Nicki Minaj]
People seem to have forgotten that she came third in Fame Academy (behind Alex Parks and Alastair Griffin, and no, I didn't need to Google that). Frankly, this countrified arrangement wiped the floor with Nicki Minaj's original, and her vocals were flawless. She might even be able to pull off "Any Man of Mine" without getting voted off.

TEAM NICOLE
13. Jahmene Douglas - Imagine [John Lennon]
See my American Idol comments about Joshua Ledet. Except Jahmene avoided hairballs as well as the melody. Great voice, shame what he chooses to do with it.

RESULTS
Bottom two:
TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark: One Night Only [Dreamgirls]
Lets hope the title is prophetic. He didn't exactly give the kind of vocals that could win anybody over, and his nerves obviously impinged on his performance.

TEAM GARY
Carolynne Poole: There You'll Be [Faith Hill]
I had a horrible feeling Carolynne would be in danger. Damn it. Needless to say, she sang Rylan off the stage. Unfortunately, Louis Walsh gets a vote.

Nicole sends home Carolynne
Gary sends home Rylan
Tulisa sends home Rylan
Louis saves Carolynne then takes it to deadlock. Twat.
Deadlock: The public sends home Carolynne. Gary storms off. Thanks to Louis's dithering, Carolynne gets no "best bits" montage.