The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 3 - Rock week. Allegedly.

TEAM GARY
1. Marcus Collins - Are You Gonna Go My Way? (Lenny Kravitz)
If you're offering, Marcus. He gave it his all and was clearly out of his comfort zone; more glam rock than rock; more diva sass than rock n roll. But bless him he turned it up to 11 and sang it well.

TEAM KELLY
2. Janet Devlin - Sweet Child O Mine (Guns N Roses/Taken By Trees)
Taking her cues from the latter version, Janet does her "thing", i.e. copycat cutesy covers of cutesy covers. It's not exactly in the spirit of rock week, but was actually the best her voice has sounded. Although bits made me cringe, I didn't hate it. However, her VT made her look far from a sweet child o anybody's, and a bit of a petulant bitch, so I ain't buying. Loving how Louis commented on how she wasn't over-stylised with the hair, when she looked like Rebekah Brooks meets Crystal Tipps.

TEAM LOUIS
3. Sami Brookes - If I Could Turn Back Time (Cher)
Firstly, I love this song, but to deny it's become a cruise ship/karaoke classic is, at the very least, naive. So Louis Walsh continues to torch the career of his acts, and again turns to the charts from three decades ago. Sami's timing was out at the beginning, having missed out the second line, but I seem to be the only one who noticed. Including Sami. She did her best to over-sing it like a true rocker would (?!) and there were glimmers of a rock edge to her voice that could have been better served by a different song. As it was, Sami cruises on for another week. Hopefully.

TEAM TULISA
4. Rhythmix - Tik Tok/Push It (Ke$ha/Salt n Pepa)
Yes, rock week. Tulisa justifies it by adding guitars. For starters, they missed a trick by not doing Eurythmics for the pun alone; which isn't exactly rock, but is thrash metal compared to Ke$ha. Adding guitars to a pop/RnB song does not a rock song make, especially when mashed up with a 2nd RnB song. Their vocals were, at best, ropey anyway, so this is the first true car crash of the night. Prepare for a bit of a pile-up.

TEAM KELLY
5. Sophie Habibis - Livin' on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
Ouch! And I thought Marcus was out of his comfort zone tonight. Sophie does her "thing", i.e. suck the life out of a breezy anthem, and the "woah-OH"s on the chorus were not pretty. Pretty awful, one might say. But I wouldn't stoop so low. Car crash #2.

TEAM GARY
6. Craig Colton - Stop Crying Your Heart Out (Oasis)
Again, I love this song. I was retweeted (and replied to) by the one and only X Factor legend Rowetta for pointing out that she was the only one to successfully pull off a cover of this song. Even the mighty Leona Lewis managed to turn it into a dirge. On that front, this version managed to outdo Leona's. So Craig does HIS "thing", i.e. facial gurning and pointing angrily whilst over-singing in way he clearly thinks makes him sound like the male Whitney. He's not emoting, he's acting. Badly. And not singing much better. Not quite a car crash, but there are definite skid-marks.

TEAM LOUIS
7. Kitty Brucknell - Live & Let Die (Wings)
Kitty seems to be the only one to have understood rock week. But, let's face it, she'd have probably given the same performance if it had been ABBA week; all rawk screeching, pyrotechnics and DRAMA!!! Kitty's a curious one. Obviously bat-shit crazy, and not as talented as she thinks she is- but talented nonetheless, and a confident performer. You just KNOW she'd slit someone's throat if meant winning.

TEAM GARY
8. Frankie Cocozza - Rocks (Primal Scream)
Car crash #3, obviously. We see a charming VT of Frankie being a disobedient, unprofessional prick before walking on stage via b/w rockumentary footage. So THIS is what Gary Barlow sees in Frankie. He's a rock star in the boozy, womanising arsehole kind of way. Instead of, you know, singer. And, to be fair, he has that rock n roll swagger. Unfortunately, there's no vocal talent there to back it up. Gary's wisely chosen a song with little actual singing in it, so Frankie's tuneless skwawking almost fit the song. I'd rather see him fit into a meat grinder, I'm sure it'd be audibly superior for a start.

TEAM TULISA
9. The Risk - Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
With guitars, obviously. So that's why Tulisa's been on the offensive tonight. I she had a third act, they'd probably perform a Timbaland song. With guitars. I actually quite liked the rockier arrangement, and their harmonies are definitely improving.

TEAM LOUIS
10. Johnny Robinson - I Believe In A Thing Called Love (The Darkness)
God help me... Okay, so he got some of the words wrong, bits of the vocals were off, and the stage presence was... well, inappropriate. That was so many kinds of wrong, but just a little bit of right! He really can SING! Predictions of a car crash were premature. And Gary really should know better than to get into a cat fight with a queen. BOOM! Bitch goes down again!

TEAM KAREN
11. Misha B - Purple Rain (Prince)
Misha B-yond Thunderdome! Channelling Tina Turner in attitude and costume, Misha delivers the best vocal of the night. Meanwhile the judges argue about backstage bitching and bullying. Time and a place, people. I'm getting flashes of Sharon Osbourne's finale speech to Steve Brookstein. I miss Sharon.

So, in summary:
Stars: Johnny, Misha B
Good: Marcus, Kitty, The Risk
Disaster averted: Janet, Sami, Craig
Pile-up: Rhythmix, Sophie, Frankie

RESULTS SHOW

Bottom two:
TEAM LOUIS - Sami and Kitty

Sami Brookes - (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman (Aretha Franklin)
Frankly, she should be eliminated just for choosing this song, given how she's moaned about Louis's choices of cruise ship karaoke covers. The only song I can think of that's a greater example of a cruise ship karaoke song than Natural Woman is I Will Survive. That said, her vocal was absolutely flawless.

Kitty Brucknell - The Edge of Glory (Lady Gaga)
It also irritates me when people drag out their audition piece on their survival song, as Kitty has done here. However, she does give that song her own twist in a way that doesn't date it or her. You know she means business.

Gary sends home Sami.
Kelly sends home Sami.
Tulisa sends home Kitty.
Louis sends home Sami.

Whoever is voting for Frankie out there, STOP IT. It's not big and it's not clever.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 2 - Love & Heartache

TEAM TULISA
1. Nu Vibe - With Or Without You (U2)
I loved the modern dance floor arrangement, and if this was available as a full-length studio version, I'd buy it right now. However, as I have to settle for this truncated live version, I'll give it a miss. Given the only thing bad about it was their live vocals, I'd have to say its the second week in a row they've screwed it up.

TEAM LOUIS
2. Sami Brookes - I Will Always Love You (Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston)
FFS, Louis Walsh, do you have a big book of clichéd song choices next to your bloody rule book? Yes it's a great song to show what you can do vocally, but this has been done to death. Fortunately for all concerned, Sami pulled it off. Despite Louis's best efforts. Again. And Louis, the Welsh are not going to vote for someone just because they're Welsh. They have to be good, too. Fortunately, Sami is.

TEAM GARY
3. Craig Coulton - The Best Thing I Never Had (Beyoncé)
There's something oddly charming and irritating about seeing a chubby white boy channelling a middle-aged black diva. Unfortunately he's gone from someone I was pleased to see go through to someone that's actually not as good as I thought they were. I'm seeing less of the underdog and more of the smug twat.

TEAM KELLY
4. Janet Devlin - Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley)
I think I'm starting to get the appeal of Janet. There's something quite cosy about her voice, even if it does border on twee. There are times when it feels as though she's backing away from some notes, but I'd much prefer her whispery approach to the yodelling Aguilera approach. She's growing on me.

TEAM GARY
5. Frankie Cocozza - The Scientist (Coldplay)
Or, Cockozza. Putting the "cock" into "that guy's a talentless cock". I think he got the lyrics and the timing right, and I didn't literally die listening to it. That's about as positive as I can get. I don't get why Kitty's getting all the flack when Frankie's in the competition. I am so surprised at Gary Barlow on this one, I see and hear no talent, no charisma, nothing. The childish judge in-fighting has BEGUN!

TEAM LOUIS
6. Johnny Robinson - Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Kylie Minogue)
After being utterly speechless the first time I saw this, I shall try to critique as best I can. Glad to see Louis's first foray into the 21st Century this season (albeit on the song's 10th birthday), but as much as I love it (and Kylie), it's a performer's song, not a singer's song. It did nothing to showcase Johnny's voice, and whilst the Geisha staging was impressive, it only subtracted from a rather stiffly-prancing queen in half-drag. For Louis Walsh, credibility is not an option, and he doesn't understand that the other three judges clearly care about his acts more than he does.

TEAM GARY
7. Marcus Collins - Russian Roulette (Rihanna)
A nicely intense performance (if also insincere) that showed off his great voice, but that last note was a bit wobbly. Don't know what the judges heard, it was easily the best performance tonight so far.

TEAM TULISA
8. Rhythmix - I'm Like A Bird (Nelly Furtado)
Remember that Aguilera approach I mentioned earlier? Well, here it is, in case you didn't get the reference. Individually over-boiled vocals and unharmonious, shouty harmonies. I quite liked the musical arrangement, but the vocals were a bit of a cacophony. I get what they're trying to do, but it sounds bloody awful.

TEAM KELLY
9. Misha B - Would I Lie To You? (Charles & Eddie)
Even though the song was unrecognisable, I loved the arrangement, and it was hands-down the most professional performance of the night so far. True stage presence, musicality and audience-owning confidence. The vocals weren't perfect, but still impressive.

TEAM TULISA
10. The Risk - Just The Way You Are (Bruno Mars)
The harmonies on the verses were dreadful, and even the solos weren't great. But just as I'd written them off, it all came together for a rousing chorus. I think the one with the shortest hair is the one that's dragging them down vocally, but there's definite potential there.

TEAM KELLY
11. Sophie Habibis - Wherever You Will Go (The Calling/Charlene Soraia)
Whiny, screechy, barely melodic, and desperately mediocre. Nope, still don't get her. No wonder nobody's chanting her name, unless it's followed by "OFF!"

TEAM LOUIS
12. Kitty Brucknell - It's Oh So Quiet (Bjork)
Kitty on her fans: "If I don't believe in myself, how can they believe in themselves?" It's comments like that that get you the boos, Kitty. That and Louis Walsh turning his acts into pantomime characters. Literally. We've already had Aladdin, now it's the turn of Alice in Wonderland. I can't decide whether to respect Kitty for being game, or whether to castigate her for not telling Louis Walsh to FUCK RIGHT OFF!!! Her vocals were mostly decent, however, which alone puts her in the better half tonight.

My thoughts;
The stars: Sami, Marcus, Misha B.
The good: Janet, The Risk, Kitty.
The need-to-do-better: Nu Vibe, Craig, Sophie.
The Louis: Frankie, Johnny, Rhythmix.

RESULTS SHOW

ENSEMBLE: Hello (Martin Solveig/Dragonette)
Sophie comes on, singing surprisingly in tune. Then Marcus comes on, obviously lip-synching...Ah, it's a pre-recorded vocal. Frankie, obviously, still sounds shit. Craig, surprisingly, disappears in the vocal mix, whereas Kitty stands out, but in a good way. Interesting...

We see Kylie has tweeted "GO Johnny". He's chosen to take it as encouragement. I'm not so sure.

The bottom two are Nu Vibe (a shame) and... Frankie!!!! I can't believe it! God bless you, British public!!!

TEAM TULISA
Nu Vibe - Promise This (Cheryl Cole)
Redone as a ballad, it worked surprisingly well. Their solo vocals were surprisingly good- it all went wrong with the harmonies again. But it was way better than their other performances and WAY better than anything of which Frankie is capable.

TEAM GARY
Frankie Coccozza - Red (Daniel Merriweather)
Off-key from "note" one, it was an insult to ears everywhere. And this time he didn't even get the timing right.

Out: Nu Vibe. The judges are cunts. Especially Louis fucking Walsh.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 1 - International theme

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
1. Amelia Lily - Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)
Performing an up-tempo combination of the MJ original and Chris Cornell rock version, she gave a confident performance and handled the vocal range pretty well. The pink hair wasn't really an issue, it was more about the horrific eye makeup.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Johnny Robinson - Believe (Cher)
Emerging from a giant glitter ball wearing a tin foil coat and sparkly tinted sunglasses (possibly borrowed from Elton John's 1976 wardrobe), Johnny goes all Donna Summer on us, doing the ballad-opening fake-out trick, before bursting into a carbon copy of the original version by Cher, but proving his voice is just not up to the task. Gary Barlow is spot-on by noting that Louis has turned a decent singer into a circus act. Experiment failed, Louis.

TEAM TULISA
3. Rhythmix - Super Bass (Nicki Minaj)
A youthful girl band singing a current hit, with a sprinkling of rap thrown in... Welcome to TEAM TULISA, everybody. And that's a good thing. Their voices didn't blend brilliantly for me, but they were each strong vocalists, especially given the energetic dance routine. A word of caution, though- We have one Cher Lloyd. We don't want that one, let alone another four.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
4. Frankie Cocozza - The A Team (Ed Sheeran)
Breathy and whispery, but in a bad, what-the-hell-is-a-melody way. The Russell Brand makeover was not inappropriate, although the "natural performer" comment from Louis was ridiculous given Frankie pretty much just kept one stiff leg, whilst stamping the other (with a variation of legs and foreward/backward rocking). I'm making it sound far more exciting than it was. Don't. Get. Frankie. At. All. No doubt a finalist, then.

TEAM KELLY
5. Sophie Habibis - Teenage Dream (Katy Perry)
This year's Rebecca Ferguson. Apparently she's good, but makes me want to cut my ears off. Actually, that's a little bit harsh, as her voice didn't sound like a foghorn, it was even rather pleasant. It was her dreary middle-aged-to-pensioner version of Teenage Dream that was the very definition of irony, robbing the song of its essential, youthful verve. Most amusingly, she looked like Dragons' Den newbie Hillary Devey from a distance. (That's not a good look).

TEAM LOUIS
6. Jonjo Kerr - You Really Got Me (The Kinks)
You have a clean cut, handsome guy, in a shiny tailored suit, with a decent MOR voice singing a Kinks song. It was like when somebody's three-year-old sings "I Wanna Sex You Up" or something. Song, singer, look... None of them match. His vocals were okay, but lacked the rough edge required for that song, and his stage presence was non-existent. Which is a huge shame, as there's definite talent there, not to mention the sympathy vote (he's a soldier).

TEAM TULISA
7. 2 Shoes - Something Kinda Ooooh (Girls Aloud)
Whilst the whole Essex thing goes completely over my head (to put it politely), these girls each have great voices. Unfortunately, this isn't a singer's song, and their vocals don't harmonise that well. By the time of the final verse/bridge it went all off-key and quite horrid. A missed opportunity, I fear.

TEAM GARY
8. James Michael - Ticket To Ride (The Beatles)
James has one of those voices that's quite in vogue at the moment, not dissimilar to Frankie's, that Ed Sheeran breathy whispery thing. It doesn't work for me, particularly when you take the "if you can't reach the notes, just say it or whisper it. Nobody will notice, honest" approach. On top of that, the slowed-down, acoustic/orchestral arrangement (with seriously inappropriate key change) was dreary and dull.

TEAM KELLY
9. Misha B - Rolling in the Deep (Adele)
Easily the stand-out vocalist so far, although I'm not sure replacing a stomping piano with a bontempi drumbeat is the same as "making it your own", even with Tim Westwood horns and a rap break. Give me the original any day, but it felt like it was true to her. Easily the best of the night so far. Kudos for keeping in the word "shit", too.

TEAM TULISA
10. Nu Vibe - Beautiful People (Chris Brown/Benny Benassi)
Here we have the ever-increasing X Factor trend of forming groups from good vocalists, but based on looks, rather than based on vocalists whose voices blend well. Not exactly a car crash, but it really didn't sound good.

TEAM GARY
11. Marcus Collins - Moves Like Jagger (Maroon 5/Christina Aguilera)
A great voice, decent stage presence, and appropriate song choice- given a modern disco vibe, rather than a retro one, or that of the funkier original. Next time, though, please lose the "come on" and "here we go", it sounds very cabaret. But he'll be here for a while. Or should be.

TEAM LOUIS
12. Sami Brookes - Free (Ultra Nate)
Sami goes all Donna Summer on us, doing the ballad-opening fake-out trick, before bursting into a carbon copy of the original version by... hang on, haven't I said this before? It's becoming increasingly apparent that turning a 15-year-old song into a disco anthem circa 40 years ago is clearly Louis Walsh's idea of making over 30s "current". Gary, again, summed it up perfectly by pointing out she, one of the best vocalists, is only here because laughing stock Goldie dropped out. Despite Louis's best efforts, she could be one to watch.

TEAM TULISA
13. The Risk - She Said (Plan B)
To repeat, yet again we have the X Factor trend of forming groups from good vocalists, but based on looks, rather than based on vocalists whose voices blend well. Great individual vocals do not necessarily make for a great group. Case in point here, their harmonies need some work. That said, many solo bits were definitely sung better than the original, and these guys have a collective cool (a la Plan B) that's been previously absent from The X Factor, even boy bands in general. Perfect song choice.

TEAM GARY
14. Craig Colton - Jar of Hearts (Christina Perri)
Craig has a great voice, and gave the performance his all, even if did feel a bit overacted and insincere. Some ballads work with the big Simon Cowell "stop, doosh, key-change" moment. Some don't, and this is one that doesn't work. Nice try, but his decent vocals will see him through for a while to come.

TEAM LOUIS
15. Kitty Brucknell - Who Wants to Live Forever? (Queen)
Obviously she's this year's Katie Waissel, the Marmite character who's getting more press for being a turd than her talent. However, on this evidence, Kitty is clearly more talented, so I'd rather not go down that route. Managing to be both stripped-down and overly dramatic, her performance was almost-whelming. At times, the vocals were a bit creaky, at other times, phenomenal. Compared to many others tonight, she's definitely proven she's no novelty act, and earned her place in the competition.

TEAM KELLY
16. Janet Devlin - Fix You (Coldplay)
"She's so unique." Like Diana Vickers meets Ellie Goulding meets Nicola Roberts meets Carol Decker... So not unique, then. Can we ban that word now, please? Her voice doesn't do much for me, I'm afraid. It's all a bit twee, breathy (lots of that tonight), and frequently off-key... But I have to give her her dues, she did a good job, pulling off the sincerity that Craig lacked.

RESULTS:
Each team loses an act, chosen by their mentor.

TEAM TULISA
Should have gone: Nu Vibe.
Gone: 2 Shoes

TEAM LOUIS
Should have gone: Johnny
Gone: Jonjo

TEAM KELLY
Should have gone: Sophie
Gone: Amelia

TEAM GARY
Should have gone: Frankie
Gone: James