The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 2 - Love & Heartache

TEAM TULISA
1. Nu Vibe - With Or Without You (U2)
I loved the modern dance floor arrangement, and if this was available as a full-length studio version, I'd buy it right now. However, as I have to settle for this truncated live version, I'll give it a miss. Given the only thing bad about it was their live vocals, I'd have to say its the second week in a row they've screwed it up.

TEAM LOUIS
2. Sami Brookes - I Will Always Love You (Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston)
FFS, Louis Walsh, do you have a big book of clichéd song choices next to your bloody rule book? Yes it's a great song to show what you can do vocally, but this has been done to death. Fortunately for all concerned, Sami pulled it off. Despite Louis's best efforts. Again. And Louis, the Welsh are not going to vote for someone just because they're Welsh. They have to be good, too. Fortunately, Sami is.

TEAM GARY
3. Craig Coulton - The Best Thing I Never Had (Beyoncé)
There's something oddly charming and irritating about seeing a chubby white boy channelling a middle-aged black diva. Unfortunately he's gone from someone I was pleased to see go through to someone that's actually not as good as I thought they were. I'm seeing less of the underdog and more of the smug twat.

TEAM KELLY
4. Janet Devlin - Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley)
I think I'm starting to get the appeal of Janet. There's something quite cosy about her voice, even if it does border on twee. There are times when it feels as though she's backing away from some notes, but I'd much prefer her whispery approach to the yodelling Aguilera approach. She's growing on me.

TEAM GARY
5. Frankie Cocozza - The Scientist (Coldplay)
Or, Cockozza. Putting the "cock" into "that guy's a talentless cock". I think he got the lyrics and the timing right, and I didn't literally die listening to it. That's about as positive as I can get. I don't get why Kitty's getting all the flack when Frankie's in the competition. I am so surprised at Gary Barlow on this one, I see and hear no talent, no charisma, nothing. The childish judge in-fighting has BEGUN!

TEAM LOUIS
6. Johnny Robinson - Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Kylie Minogue)
After being utterly speechless the first time I saw this, I shall try to critique as best I can. Glad to see Louis's first foray into the 21st Century this season (albeit on the song's 10th birthday), but as much as I love it (and Kylie), it's a performer's song, not a singer's song. It did nothing to showcase Johnny's voice, and whilst the Geisha staging was impressive, it only subtracted from a rather stiffly-prancing queen in half-drag. For Louis Walsh, credibility is not an option, and he doesn't understand that the other three judges clearly care about his acts more than he does.

TEAM GARY
7. Marcus Collins - Russian Roulette (Rihanna)
A nicely intense performance (if also insincere) that showed off his great voice, but that last note was a bit wobbly. Don't know what the judges heard, it was easily the best performance tonight so far.

TEAM TULISA
8. Rhythmix - I'm Like A Bird (Nelly Furtado)
Remember that Aguilera approach I mentioned earlier? Well, here it is, in case you didn't get the reference. Individually over-boiled vocals and unharmonious, shouty harmonies. I quite liked the musical arrangement, but the vocals were a bit of a cacophony. I get what they're trying to do, but it sounds bloody awful.

TEAM KELLY
9. Misha B - Would I Lie To You? (Charles & Eddie)
Even though the song was unrecognisable, I loved the arrangement, and it was hands-down the most professional performance of the night so far. True stage presence, musicality and audience-owning confidence. The vocals weren't perfect, but still impressive.

TEAM TULISA
10. The Risk - Just The Way You Are (Bruno Mars)
The harmonies on the verses were dreadful, and even the solos weren't great. But just as I'd written them off, it all came together for a rousing chorus. I think the one with the shortest hair is the one that's dragging them down vocally, but there's definite potential there.

TEAM KELLY
11. Sophie Habibis - Wherever You Will Go (The Calling/Charlene Soraia)
Whiny, screechy, barely melodic, and desperately mediocre. Nope, still don't get her. No wonder nobody's chanting her name, unless it's followed by "OFF!"

TEAM LOUIS
12. Kitty Brucknell - It's Oh So Quiet (Bjork)
Kitty on her fans: "If I don't believe in myself, how can they believe in themselves?" It's comments like that that get you the boos, Kitty. That and Louis Walsh turning his acts into pantomime characters. Literally. We've already had Aladdin, now it's the turn of Alice in Wonderland. I can't decide whether to respect Kitty for being game, or whether to castigate her for not telling Louis Walsh to FUCK RIGHT OFF!!! Her vocals were mostly decent, however, which alone puts her in the better half tonight.

My thoughts;
The stars: Sami, Marcus, Misha B.
The good: Janet, The Risk, Kitty.
The need-to-do-better: Nu Vibe, Craig, Sophie.
The Louis: Frankie, Johnny, Rhythmix.

RESULTS SHOW

ENSEMBLE: Hello (Martin Solveig/Dragonette)
Sophie comes on, singing surprisingly in tune. Then Marcus comes on, obviously lip-synching...Ah, it's a pre-recorded vocal. Frankie, obviously, still sounds shit. Craig, surprisingly, disappears in the vocal mix, whereas Kitty stands out, but in a good way. Interesting...

We see Kylie has tweeted "GO Johnny". He's chosen to take it as encouragement. I'm not so sure.

The bottom two are Nu Vibe (a shame) and... Frankie!!!! I can't believe it! God bless you, British public!!!

TEAM TULISA
Nu Vibe - Promise This (Cheryl Cole)
Redone as a ballad, it worked surprisingly well. Their solo vocals were surprisingly good- it all went wrong with the harmonies again. But it was way better than their other performances and WAY better than anything of which Frankie is capable.

TEAM GARY
Frankie Coccozza - Red (Daniel Merriweather)
Off-key from "note" one, it was an insult to ears everywhere. And this time he didn't even get the timing right.

Out: Nu Vibe. The judges are cunts. Especially Louis fucking Walsh.