American Idol 2011 - Top 3 - Choices

So we're down to the top 3. It's between the country girl, the country boy and the shit one. I mean, jazzy, growly whatever girl.

Guest mentor this week is Beyoncé. If my new single was as hideously shite as hers, I'd do what I could to boost my profile too.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' choice.

1. Scotty - Amazed (Lonestar).
This was my little sister's wedding song, you know. No pressure, then. Fortunately, it's right up Scotty's very limited little alley. Unfortunately he's gone from charming, bland, inoffensive country boy to smug fucking twat in an impressively short time.
If you had the TV on mute, you'd swear from the self-satisfied look on his smug little face that he'd just given the vocal equivalent of MJ's first moonwalk. Unfortunately it was remarkably unremarkable, proving he's pretty much got this far by default. I haven't heard the Randy-produced version of this song by Boyz II Men, but I really REALLY don't want to.

2. Lauren - Wild One (Faith Hill).
Speaking of default, Lauren is my favourite left in the competition for simply not being Scotty or Haley. Despite Beyoncé's protestations to the contrary, Lauren's rehearsal of this song clearly had no appeal to Beyoncé whatsoever... she's not that good an actress, whatever Ryan Seacrest says. I did believe that Beyoncé liked Lauren herself though (see the first sentence of this paragraph for details.)
As for the performance, Lauren pretty much slept through it, performing it with such effortlessness that it looked like she couldn't be that bothered. But the vocals were strong and she wasn't a smug fucking twat.

3. Haley - What Is And What Should Never Be (Led Zeppelin).
Hats off to Beyoncé for describing Haley's song choice as one not "everyone knows" (I certainly didn't, and won't be hunting it down, either). But several hats off to Haley. One for attempting to throw some credibility into the mix (not that that's ever meant anything to me, either). Hat number two for undermining said credibility by shamelessly playing the heartstrings card from the bottom of the deck and getting "Daddy" to "rip pretty good" on stage with her. Then two more hats for telling Beyoncé she "grew up listening to" her; Hat number three, because she'd just told Beyoncé thirty seconds earlier that she'd been raised on classic rock, and hat number four for basically saying to Beyoncé what translates as "bitch, you old".
She sang and growled a little, screeched and trilled a lot, and stomped around the stage like she's left the coat hanger in her top, before tripping over and chuckling about it. I'll take a fifth hat off for that.

The judges all agree round one went to Haley. I have to agree, but for completely different reasons.

ROUND TWO: Jimmy Iovine's choices.

1. Scotty - Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not? (Thompson Square).
It's a definite "not", Scotty.
We get to see Scotty's audition again when he sang THAT damn song about locking doors and turning lights down low for the first of many many MANY times. He tells us he's 16, the caption tells us he's 17. Given he's obviously a redneck Republican, I know whose maths I'll be trusting. But Steven Tyler manages to upstage all of it with his "fuck a duck" comment. Scotty clearly isn't impressed, but needs those yeses so grins and bears it.
For the performance, he radically mixes things up (by Scotty standards) by eschewing the wonky mic in favour of a wonky guitar, whilst adopting his now familiar "pinching one out" stance. Iovine picked a nicely uplifting, melodic track- a rarity for Scotty. More familiar, though, is his competently bland performance, and my lack of caring.

2. Lauren - If I Die Young (The Band Perry).
First, we discover Lauren has ripped her tights during the break. Let's be honest, it's things like this that are the real reason she's made it this far over the likes of Pia and James.
Then her memorable, hugely charismatic Amazing Technicolor audition, which ends in her duetting with Steven Tyler on probably the one Aerosmith song he didn't write. Bless.
Jimmy's choice was indeed a perfect match for Lauren's voice, but did lean a little too much on the bland side for a competitive performance. There were a couple of vocal cracks, but nothing Haley doesn't do EVERY time, and it actually added to the emotion of it. Most importantly, she's not Scotty or Haley.

3. Haley - Rhiannon (Fleetwood Mac).
Haley's audition was nicely bitter, given it wasn't her first for the show. Now she has a bona fide rocker on the panel to support her, and gets through giving an oddly familiar shouty, growly, performance. My, how she's grown.
Fleetwood Mac. They're so hot right now. For real- thanks to Glee's Rumours episode, they are. (Check out the iTunes chart right now if you don't believe me.)
Anyone who's ever doubted Stevie Nicks's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Haley's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either.

Round two to Lauren because she isn't Haley or Scotty. The judges go for Scotty.

Is nobody really going to acknowledge Neil Sedaka next to Jimmy? Ah, there you go... Random.

Cue Beyoncé's Run The World (Girls) video. Wow, that is one shocking... for want of a better word, song. Thankfully they turn it off a couple of minutes in.

ROUND THREE: Judges' choices.

1. Scotty - She Believes (In Me) (Kenny Rogers, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
Anyone who's ever doubted Ronan Keating's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Scotty's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either. God bless copy & paste.
But seriously, Yawnsville, Tenessee. And that was supposedly Scotty "hitting a big chorus" and "stretching himself".

2. Lauren - I Hope You Dance (LeAnn Womack, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
(What was I just saying about copy & paste?)
Even when you stick Lauren in a dress and give her a worthy song, she still shines in a cutesy Lauren kind of way. I do actually know the LeAnn Womack version, and she did it justice. More so than Ronan did. Fo sho.

3. Haley - You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette). Ronan hasn't covered this one yet, as far as I know.
I'm sure I wasn't the only one hoping she'd do THAT line with THAT word, but I'm typing this in advance with the certainty that she didn't. So much for edge and credibility.
But objectively, that was a complete car crash. She struggled hideously on the lower register, and fumbled the words. Loved how the judges kept mentioning the choruses, in the clear knowledge that the rest was insufferable. Oh, go on then... (paste) Anyone who's ever doubted Alanis Morissette's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over... Oh, you get the point.

Round three to Lauren. Judges agree, mostly.

RESULTS SHOW.

Thanks to lots of twee homecoming VTs, we learned the following:
Haley didn't realise a giant American Idol limo was for her. And I missed Haley Reinhart Day before I even had a chance to buy a card.
Scotty eats donuts with his mouth open, and says "Oh my God" when properly surprised, as opposed to his usual "Oh my gosh".
Lauren might actually be more country than Scotty. Lauren Alaina Day is the same day as Haley Reinhart Day, that must be embarrassing. And Lauren cries at the sight of her hometown's devastation by storm damage. Who'd've thought? Shame the voting lines are closed, this disaster porn is voter gold. Her home crowd was hands-down the biggest of the three.

We were also treated to performances by Il Volo- a Latin operatic version of the Jonas Brothers who clearly won't sell as many posters- and Nicole Scherzinger featuring 50 Cent, performing an oddly rubbish but catchy song.

Results are in, Haley's out. Phew. Fair play, she was gracious in defeat. Sympathy dwindled once she started singing though, especially since chose BENNIE AND THE MOTHERFUCKING JETS. I swear she reads this blog and just wanted to piss me off one last time.

So it's an all-country final. There goes the international career, then.