American Idol 2011 - Top 5 - Old & New

1. James - Closer to the Edge (30 Seconds to Mars)
The rehearsal duet with Sheryl Crow sounded amazing. The actual performance was far from it. Concentrating more on pleasing the crowd than on his vocals meant it didn't sound great.

2. Jacob - No Air (Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown)
The rehearsal sounded terrible, way too above his key. The actual performance was even worse. Pitchy screaming and "oh yeah"s does not the singing of a chorus make. Granted, most big stars these days do leave the singing of melodies to the backing vocalists, but it makes them look shite too. Truly dreadful.

3. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood)
First up, congrats to Lauren for avoiding being impaled by that over-enthusiastic violinist's bow. The song was a bit big and wordy for this kind of show, in an "Any Man of Mine" kind of way, but she pulled it off.

4. Scotty - Gone (Montgomery Gentry)
How my heart sinks every I have to type that bloody "y" on Scotty's name. But fair dues, he did a great job. He's massively improving his stage presence and the vocals were impressive too.

5. Haley - You and I (Lady Gaga)
Definitely a song suited to Haley's bluesy gravelly voice, and she did a decent job. But... it was incredibly boring.

6. James - Without You (Nilsson)
Aww he cried and couldn't rehearse. Then cried again on stage, where he appeared to be wearing pyjamas. I can't say I felt it, and the vocals were (understandably) a bit messy, but it was nicely controlled.

7. Jacob - Love Hurts (Nazareth)
It started off stunning. Stripped and subtle. Then he got into it, kicking it up a gear, and the results were... mixed. It would have been braver to continue as he began, but I can't say what he did was by any means terrible. But I wasn't hugely excited either.

8. Lauren - Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)
Well, it had to appear at some point. I think it's in the constitution. She did a good job, but clearly got so caught up in her ad libs she missed the opportunity for THAT note. Bits of it were great, most of it was... meh.

9. Scotty - Always on My Mind (Elvis Presley)
Secretly gutted he didn't do the full-on Pet Shop Boys disco version, it was, you know, very nice and all that. Old Scotty's back. (That's not a good thing.)

10. Haley - House of the Rising Sun (The Animals)
SHOUT! Grrrrrowl. SHOUT! Grrrrowl. Trill, screech... Enough already. Go the fuck HOME! A standing O from the judges. Pur-lease.

Best tonight: Scotty & Lauren
Worst tonight: Jacob & Haley

RESULTS SHOW

We kick things off (after some shameless plugging from the judges) with a tuneless rendition of Happy Together from all five remaining contestants that made me question if this is the worst final five ever...? I remember last year's being pretty hideous, but I don't think anyone left is anywhere near as bad as last year's winner, Lee Dewyze.

Idol meets Hell's Kitchen as the contestants cook for Gordon Ramsay. Lauren walked it. Jacob second. Here's hoping...

Lady Antebellum perform Just A Kiss. I couldn't help but think if America had an equivalent of Eurovision, this is what it would be like. Which from me is kind of a compliment.

Next up, another one of their amusing voxpop VT (that stands for Video Tape) thingies where they discuss song choices and clothing. Well, except for the amusing part.

I have to admit that I've quite liked Jimmy Iovine's mentoring this year, and it's interesting to finally hear his feedback of the actual performances before the results. I couldn't disagree with his comments on James and Lauren, though I think Lauren's Unchained Melody big-note cop-out wasn't bad enough to earn a bottom-two place.

Hell's Kitchen part 2 sees Lauren & Jacob head to head in a taste test. Lauren wins because Jacob thinks a hot dog is a sausage. Which it fucking IS.

J-Lo then performs her admittedly massive (though shit) single, On The Floor, and does a disappointingly great job. Hmph. Smashing glass, bare chested men, live vocals, energetic choreography... Damn her, I was really looking forward to slagging it off. Still a shit song though. The new single, I'm Into You, sounds a bit better. And has a bare-chested William Levy in the video whilst she writhes on a beach. Fair play, girl knows her audience.

Jacob gets a well-deserved kicking from Jimmy's critique, whilst Haley gets a disappointing thumbs-up. I can't disagree too much with his critique, though no way did she deserve a "10". Scotty gets another thumbs-up, and a prediction of a big career. In the US, for sure. Outside, no chance.

So the bottom two are revealed to be Lauren & Jacob. Hell's Kitchen proving oddly prophetic, there... Fortunately, Jacob loses again. He then treats us to a rather hideously screechy "A House Is Not A Home Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Oh Yeah". Another early favourite of mine gets another very welcome goodbye.