American Idol 2011 - Final

Okay, so it's the all-country final, and it doesn't get more all-country than Scotty McReary (sic). He's going to win. I'm not saying I want him to win- I don't- or that I know he has- I'm writing this as I watch, and have avoided spoilers. However, they're giving Lauren Alaina a fair shot by bringing out the sob stories that Lauren's hurt her vocal chords but will soldier on. I'm sure it's true, but if she's okay, why are we hearing about it? Anything that gives Lauren an edge over Scrotty (sic) is fine by me.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' favourite past performance.
1. Scotty - Gone (Mongonery Gentry).
Credit where it's due, Scotty has actually come a long way. That was a confident, professional performance with a perfect vocal and a perfectly-pitched song choice. It's a shame he's so odious to watch. The smug smirk, wonky mic thing, winks to camera... He looks in the mirror and sees Justin Timberlake, doesn't he? Unfortunately I see Curious George.

2. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood).
Ah, THAT's why they mentioned the voice thing. Clearly stretched to her absolute limit, Lauren gave it her all, but her actual voice had other ideas. At times, the vocal cracks added a nice texture to her voice, but it's clearly not what she was aiming for. Like Scotty, she performed it well and, whilst the signs of struggle have appeared, she wasn't as out-of-breath as she was the first time she sang this.

Round one: Scotty. Damnit.

ROUND TWO: Idols' choices.
1. Scotty (chosen by George Strait) - Check Yes Or No (George Strait).
Yeah, it was alright. Whatever. I have no criticism, but won't be buying it.

2. Lauren (chosen by Carrie Underwood) - Maybe It Was Memphis (Pam Tillis).
Not the most exciting song in the world, but a great choice as a showcase for Lauren's voice, as it sounded gorgeous.

Round two: Lauren.

Randy & JLo agree with my verdicts, Lauren seems adorably excited. Scotty doesn't appear to be aware of Lauren. Steven gives both rounds to Lauren "because she's prettier". He's the judge added to the panel to give it musical credibility, right?

ROUND THREE: Winners' (potential) singles.
1. Scotty - I Love You This Big.
I only need the title to know this sing choice is perfect for Scotty. Not only does it sound mawkishly sentimental in a way that Scotty could deliver with sincerity, but is also grammatically incorrect.
He put his arms outstretched sideways when he sang "this big"! Who saw THAT coming? Fortunately, the song was dull as hell, even by my bland-loving standards. (And yet, I suspect I might like it with someone else's interpretation.) He went a bit off on the key change, and I cannot see how ANYONE, especially Randy, could have been impressed by that last note. Surprisingly, Scotty wasn't up to his usual blandly competent standard on that song, and I actually got the impression he hated it, à la Taylor Hicks.

2. Lauren - Like My Mother Does.
At least they didn't go for the word "Momma". The intro was spoiled a little by the out-of-tune ukulele player, but compensated by raking up the sentimental factor as Lauren walked off-stage to sing to her mother. Utterly shameless, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Kudos to Lauren for not breaking down and delivering an astonishing vocal throughout. It was genuinely emotional, and someone on American Idol 2011 has finally (FINALLY!) had that "moment". Fantastic.

Round three: As Steven put it, "Lauren gets it, hands-down". Randy agrees, JLo bottles it with a non-committal "tight race".

The performance show ends with Season 7 winner David Cook, about whom we'd all forgotten, giving us his version of "Don't You Forget About Me". He does a decent job, but I'm more amused by the knowledge that David Archuleta (the smug-faced little turd that Cook defeated) is in the audience.

Results Show


That is NOT a flattering look on Lauren.

We kick things off with the top 24 giving a suitably tuneless version of Born This Way. Stefano does his best to hog the camera, reminding us why he was voted out. Ashthon looked unrecognisable thanks to an attack of the hair straighteners, whilst Casey Goon looked so out of place in the background, bless him.

This is followed by James Durbin joining Judas Priest on a medley of their songs (I'm assuming) and, frankly, made their lead singer look (and sound) like the amateur. Still didn't do much for me though. Cue plug for their tour.

Comedy VT time! First up, Randy The Veteran. Basically he asks "what kind of show is this" and says "in it to win it" a lot.

Just in case the all-country final didn't make it abundantly clear, Americans have a tendency to love Jesus. And I mean like REALLY love Jesus. But in case you missed it, here's Jacob and "gospel star" Kirk Franklin, singing "I Smile". I love how they chose to represent "the church" with the biggest screaming queen ever seen on the Idol stage (yes I do remember Adam Lambert, and he was macho compared to Jacob). Gladys Knight suddenly wanders onto stage unannounced, yet nobody seems surprised. It's like it was planned or something. Cue plug for her Vegas show.

Casey sings/growls his way through Fat Bottom Girls with Jack Black. I'm sure they had fun and it made me smile, but more so as I turned the volume down. I guess Seth Roegen was busy. Cue plug for Kung Fu Panda 2.

The top 6 eliminated girls perform a Beyoncé medley. The stand-out "cover your ears" moments tended to come from Haley's solos. Yep, the one that nearly made the final. The harmonies were horrific. As expected, Pia's vocals stood out, unfortunately during the horrific Deja Vu. Just bring her out already... Ah, here she comes. She opts to demonstrate her dancing skills over her vocal ones, but whatever.

Comedy VT time! Second up, Steven The Loose Cannon. By which they mean he swears a lot and pervs a lot.

Haley joins Tony Bennett for a hideous jazz Stepping Out. Time to make a cuppa. Actually, Haley never sounded better. Cue plug for his new album.

Comedy VT time! Jennifer The Most Beautiful Woman in the World. By which they mean loads of contestants tell her they grew up fancying her. Must be rewarding to know your only contribution to a judging panel Is looking good.

TLC (the L being Lil' John) perform a hit medley. T-Boz sounded like she was lip-synching (which would be a huge compliment if she wasn't), and I'm not sure I've ever heard Chili anyway. Some of the girl rejects pop up to provide more dreadful harmonies.

Scotty joins Tim McGraw for Live Like You're Dying (no, not previous Idol winner Kris Allen's song). It basically sounds like every other song Scotty did, though Tim certainly out-sung Scotty. Unfortunately the voting lines are now closed.

Comedy VT time! It's the shit contestant compilation. It's funny cos they think theyre people. Cue bad singing, injuries, crying, tantrums and the greatest moment of the series- a guy back-flipping onto a cameraman (and his camera).

Marc Anthony (JLo's husband) performs what sounds like a Latin opera over the instrumental of Copacabana. Time for another cuppa. Oh, hang on... JLo's not sitting at the judges' table. How odd, you think she'd be there cheering on her hubby. Oh, silly me- she's just appeared on stage! Did NOT see THAT coming. Fortunately, she goes nowhere near a mic and decided to wiggle her substantial booty instead. I'm sure for many THAT was the series highlight.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss being rejected, particularly Casey and James, before wheeling out Pia wearing a sash identifying her as most shocking elimination. Fair play.

The top 6 rejected boys perform a pretty decent Tom Jones medley (up to "What's New Pussycat?" anyway) and the Welshman joins them for "It's Not Unusual". Wisely, he doesn't do the hip-swivel thing.

Interesting bit here, as I'm watching the US version, and there is now a load of Ford product placement. We usually see the music videos, but they haven't made it into the UK shows this year- which is a shame, as this week's music video features a compilation of past videos, and they look pretty spectacular. So this paragraph will not apply to UK viewers. Cue VT of Ford donating loads of cash to the schools of the finalists, with their favourite teachers getting invites to the show where they're each presented with a "brand New Ford Focus", and the finalists themselves get the Ford vehicle of their choice. We don't know what they'll choose, but my guess is Scotty gets a pick-up truck, and Lauren opts for a Ka.

Lady Gaga brings a cliff on stage for Edge of Glory (see what she did there?) whilst wearing a beaded curtain on her head. She presently whips it off to reveal the obligatory Gaga black-and-sparkles bikini underneath and then writhes with a shirtless hottie before they jump off said cliff. Lady knows how to put on a show, I'll give her that!

Lauren launches into "Before He Cheats", so since we all know where it's going, they cut to the chase and wheel in season four winner Carrie Underwood for the first chorus. Lauren does a decent job of holding her own, but I have a big soft spot for Carrie Underwood, and, despite a very generous "look at Lauren, not me" performance, Carrie still manages to outshine her.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss the humiliation of being beaten by a couple of schoolchildren.

Beyoncé returns to perform "her new single", "1+1". Yes, the sooner we forget the travesty to music that was her new single, "Run The World (Girls)", the better. The song may repeat the line "make love to me", but surely I misheard her when it sounded like she sang "I don't know much about cunt"? Oh, "guns". Quite a boring song, and an indulgent vocal performance almost worthy of Stefano- except that you could at least tell she was listening to what she was singing.

We then get a mahoosive plug for the massively-derided Spider-Man musical as Reeve Carney (me neither) is joined by composers Bono & The Edge to perform "Rise Above". Some great Spidey acrobatics, but the song's pretty useless. And was it just me or did the riff on the intro sound like Adam Buxton's "Quantum
Of Solace" spoof?

And now the big surprise... Steven Tyler performs "Dream On". Er... the only surprise is that it's taken all season to get him on stage, and that's even with a new single to plug. Unless Eminem's going to join him for "Sing For The Moment"? Nope, that's it.

"Dim the lights, here we go!"

And the winner is...

Scotty. Told ya. Goddamnit.

Needless to say, he thanked "The Lord first", launched into his horrid single, then proceeded to hug the entire front row, one by one, before treating the other contestants to the same, whilst trying- and failing- to sing.

One final thing... I really don't recommend trying to eat falling confetti. Have these people never seen Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice?