The X Factor USA - Live Show 1

17 acts, 5 must go. One from each team, plus a further one from Team Simon.

TEAM LA REID
1. Astro - Jump (Kris Kross)
Obnoxious little teenage rapper kid. He did it competently, but... whatever. The judges chose to find him charming and talented. Me, not so much.

2. Chris Rene - Love Don't Live Here Anymore (Rose Royce)
He's the rehab one. More rapping, but with added vocals that are stretched to breaking point. It was a nicely funked-up arrangement that almost made it sound current, but hasn't set my world alight.

3. Phillip Lomax - I'm A Believer (The Monkees)
He's the Bublé-esque crooner that looks like Noel out of off of Hear'say. Worst. Song. Choice. EVER! Get a crooner to sing a rowdy, shouty, jaunty song? There's out of your comfort zone, and then there's downright sabotage. WTF was LA thinking? Phillip did the best with what he was given but it's becoming increasingly obvious that LA Reid is shaping up to be the Louis Walsh of the US version. And yet, Phillip is easily the best so far.

4. Marcus Canty - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? (Culture Club)
Well, that settles it. LA IS Louis Walsh. Marcus comes across very Jason Derülo, with the musical production to match. Unfortunately, his rather decent stage performance did affect the vocals, but no worse than Derülo himself.

And it's judgement time already... LA saves Astro, Marcus and Chris. Meaning Phillip, the best vocalist in LA's category, is sent home. Also, notably, the only non-urban act. COUGH onetrickpony COUGH.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
5. The Stereo Hogzz - Try A Little Tenderness (Otis Redding)
Well, they tried a little tenderness with the Boyz II Men opening, but clearly decided tenderness wasn't for them as they launched into a shouty, breathy rap break before going all Diversity on us with a dance break and then ending with a Motown beat. I think it's safe to say "they made it their own". I'm still not sure if that's a good thing, but they certainly put on a show and at times, the harmonies sounded great.

6. The Brewer Boys - Rich Girl/Faith (Hall & Oates/George Michael)
An acoustic opener becomes a hand-clappy singalong before going all hoedown with a countryish end. I'm starting to notice a trend in Paula's mentoring. Their vocals were decent but it was a little bit too Good, Clean All-American for my liking.

7. Intensity - The Clapping Song/Footloose (Shirley Ellis/Kenny Loggins)
The 10-strong group is made up from youthful solo rejects, and as mash-ups go it wasn't bad, in a Glee kind of way. However, some of the soloists should stick to harmonies. Footloose. That's so hot right now. At least this one found a style and stuck to it.

8. Lakoda Rayne - Come On Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Runners)
Made up of four female rejects (apparently us boys going to want to date them... erm, no...), this started off with the ballad fake-out before going all bootscootin' country- but it in a way that worked far better for the song. Some of the harmonies in the vocals sounded pre-recorded, which I hope is a compliment.

Judgement time again. Paula has a far stronger category, and a tougher decision. She saves Stereo Hogzz, Lakoda Rayne and Intensity. So The Brewer Boys, the rather bland but sweet duo go home. Fair play.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
9. Dexter Haygood - Womanizer/I Kissed A Girl (Britney Spears/Katy Perry)
He's the mentally ill homeless or something James Brown ish bloke with the moves like Jagger and screams like Steve Tyler, dressed like Adam Ant. About as close to a car crash as this series is likely to get. A shouty, nonsensical mash-up that certainly had impact- but let's face it, anything good about it had nothing to do with Dexter. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the US Wagner. No, I'm giving him. Take him. Away. Please.

10. Leroy Bell - Nobody Knows (P!nk)
It's odd how one of P!nk's least successful (and least known) songs has gone onto have a new life a vocalist showcase on shows such as this. His smoky vocals were very much up to it, and actually suited the song in a Michael Bolton rock ballad kind of way, but there is a reason it wasn't a big hit.

11. Stacey Francis - One More Try (George Michael)
Phenomenal vocals from one of the audition favourites, as she launched into a respectfully gospel-tinged version of a great, but rather dull song. Yes, it did get a little bit screechy but in a forgivable way, injecting a bit of life into the song.

12. Josh Krajick - Forever Young (Bob Dylan)
Nicely stripped down, the big burly guy showcased his bigger burlier voice.

Judgement time #3. Nicole saves Stacey, Josh and Leroy. Wagner- sorry, Dexter- goes home. Phew.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
13. Simone Battle - Just Be Good To Me (The SOS Band)
Girl got confidence fo' sho'. Unfortunately she doesn't have the talent to back it up. I loved the funky production, but her vocals were probably the weakest so far tonight.

14. Rachel Crow - Baby Love/Baby (The Supremes/Justin Bieber)
The adorably precocious little afroed girl. I'm assuming. Irritating little turd, I thought. Horses for courses, I guess. Speaking of which, why Simon decided to dress a 13-year-old in tweed, I cannot imagine. Again, the vocals were just not up to scratch. If she'd waited until she was about 16 she might have had a better shot. But the judges see and hear something I don't, so she needn't worry too much.

15. Drew - Flashdance... What A Feeling (Irene Cara)
In X Factor UK we saw Sophie Habibis reduce a vibrant song about teenage verve into the dreariest of ballads. Here, Drew does the same thing; take a song that celebrates life and dance, then transform it into a dirge. I found her squeaky Janet Devlin voice rather horrid too. Not for me. Wow, and I thought LA's team was bad... And look who's next.

16. Thia Tolliver - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (Eurythmics)
This was the girl who originally only had two yeses before Simon strong-armed her through, despite her being shit (or "pitchy"). The ballad fake-out became a quite interesting goth opera choral arrangement. But she. Can't. Fucking. SING.

17. Melanie Amaro - I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston)
The one Simon turned down, despite clearly winning the whole series in her audition performance of Beyoncé's Listen. So, naturally, she sticks out in Simon's category like a sore thumb as the one with the best voice. He's clearly doing his best to sabotage her voice by giving her a big, dramatic, Bond-esque ballad and giving it a bland RnB karaoke production. Fortunately, her vocals were better than that. I can't believe she's only 19!

Fourth and final judgement time. Simon sends through Drew (apparently SHE's the no-brainer), Rachel (because that's "what America wants") and Melanie (TF for that). Thia is, surprisingly, likeably gracious in defeat. Simone, however, plugs her new single. Sounds like someone hasn't read their X Factor contract.

So there you go. What a massive disappointment. I guarantee next week will be better, though. (Please.)