Eurovision Song Contest 2015 Vienna - Grand Final (Preview, updated with results)

Saturday 23rd May, BBC1 8pm

Well, it's been a real Red Wedding of a tournament so far as at least five of my top ten have fallen at the semi final stage. So here are my thoughts on what's left in tonight's Grand Final.

1. Maraaya - Here For You (Slovenia)

Kicking things off in party style is a big fan favourite. Beginning as a ballad, it soon becomes a catchy, up-tempo modern pop song. It's a little let down by its staging, however, as the singer wears what is basically a wedding dress with massive headphones and remains static, next to a distracting air violinist that caught more attention on Twitter during the semis than the song itself.

Which one is this? The girl with the headphones and the air violinist

Memorable bit: "When you're down, down low..."

Result: 14th

2. Lisa Angell - N'oubliez Pas (France)

A moving ballad that pays tribute to the fallen soldiers and buildings, ruined by a century of war. The title, "Don't forget" refers to those who have fought, died or fallen. The dramatic staging would have seen this surge in the odds if it wasn't for the poor placing in the running order. Ironically, it will be forgotten by the end of song 27.

Which one is this? The one with the military drummers.

Memorable bit: "Mais je suis la..."

Result: 25th

3. Nadav Gedj - Golden Boy (Israel)

Performed by the oldest-looking 16-year-old in the world, this begins as an almost chanted ballad, but it soon kicks into an RnB gear before finding its banghra-esque groove with its catchy, Eastern-influenced chorus and ridiculous lyrics. And it has the most adorable ending.

Which one is this? The boy in the golden, winged boots.

Memorable bit: "I'm your golden boy, come here to enjoy"

Result: 9th

4. Elina Born & Stig Rästa - Goodbye to Yesterday (Estonia)

The first of two fan-favourite downbeat duets this year (see also Norway), this one kind of passed me by on first few listens, largely thanks to the gruff, uninterested male vocals and the “oh wait, THAT was the chorus?” moment. But there is some twisted charm in this tale of a man caught sneaking out of his girlfriend’s house in the early hours.

Which one is this? The bickering couple with the dramatic shadows on the floor.
Memorable bit: “I didn't want to wake you up” and the Bond-theme-esque guitar riff.

Result: 7th

5. Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You (United Kingdom)

A dreadful cross between Doop, Scatman John and Cotton Eye Joe (but not as good as any), this accurately represents the UK and BBC's attitude to Eurovision - cheesy, gimmicky crap, and will therefore deserve its inevitable record-breaking 27th place. At 3 minutes, it's way too long. Like a Lord of the Rings movie it carries on way after it should have ended, and if you don't groan when the final verse starts, you may need help.

Which one is this? The crappy Great Gatsby one. 

Memorable bit: This will be better best forgotten.

Result: 24th

6. Geneaology - Face the Shadow (Armenia)

If there is a song left in the competition that is worse that the UK one, it's this. They say a camel is a horse designed by a committee. This feels like a song written by a committee. In a desperate attempt to appeal to the diaspora (which appears to have been successful, since they have qualified), the group is made up of Armenian descendants from the four corners of the Earth. However, this super-group is anything but super, as the voices compete horribly, rather than blend beautifully, and even the political undertones (oblique references to the 100th anniversary of the oft-denied Armenian genocide) can’t make this caterwauling mess any more interesting.
Which one's this: The purple one with the shouty people.
Memorable bit: “Don’t deny…” (the original, more political title of the song)

Result: 16th

7. Monika Linkyte & Vaidas Baumila - This Time (Lithuania)

A bright, breezy, colourful, folksy, upbeat song that kicks off its chorus in fine style then meanders somewhat, but I find its charm irresistible. Make sure you catch the kisses in the second verse!

Which one is this? The lively, colourful one with the kiss.

Memorable bit: "I'm feeling love... love... love"

Result: 18th

8. Bojana Stamenov - Beauty Never Lies (Serbia)

The first of many girl power anthems this year, this one starts off like a ballad, with a thumping beat over the chorus and cheesy yet heart-warming lyrics of a girl’s discovery of confidence. In the final third it turns rather unexpectedly into a disco anthem, and Bojana truly delivers on the required diva vocals. A real crowd-pleaser.
Which one is this? The plus-size girl with masked backing singers-turned dancers.

Memorable bit: “Yes, I’m different, and it’s okay! Here I am!”
Result: 10th

9. Mørland & Debrah Scarlett - A Monster Like Me (Norway)

And now for something completely different. A very sombre, macabre duet ballad about a man's "terrible" confession. Less is more on this one, making it a big fan favourite.

Which one is this? The downbeat duet with the female readhead.

Memorable bit: "I'd better let you go, to find the prince you thought you found in me"

Result: 8th

10. Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes (Sweden)

Do not miss this one! This year's bookie's favourite is an up-tempo pop/dance song with a bit of a country vibe. Even though the song is insanely catchy, it will be most memorable for its interactive staging, involving a cartoon stick man and a hunky singer in an incredibly flattering top.

Which one is this? The one with the interactive cartoon man

Memorable bit: "We are the heroes of our time, heroes, woah-woah"

Result: WINNER!!!

11. Giannis Karagiannis - One Thing I Should Have Done (Cyprus)

An acoustic ballad sung by a man who looks like he's wearing those comedy glasses with a fake nose. It's actually quite touching, if unremarkable, but the requisite subtle staging is very effectively done. 12 points from Greece.

Which one is this? The bloke with the glasses.

Memorable bit: "I should have done everything for you".

Result: 22nd

12. Guy Sebastian - Tonight Again (Australia)

Despite some controversy ("it's not in Europe" shocker - yawn, and it's not even alone in this) Australia are making a one-off (COUGH COUGH) entry for the 60th edition, and they've come up trumps with this high-energy, soulful, credible and modern pop song that would not sound out of place on a Bruno Mars album (along with Denmark's entry from last year). Very curious to see how well this does in the voting...

Which one is this? The Australian Bruno Mars-y one.

Memorable bit: "Do what you what, you what, you want"

Result: 5th

13. Loïc Nottet - Rhythm Inside (Belgium)

A very interesting one this. Teenager Loïc is an amazing dancer with a massive voice (YouTube his version of Sia’s “Chandelier” for proof of both) but his song is a moody Lourde-esque mid-tempo song whose sparse musical composition comprises of little more than clicks, bass bursts and drums beats, and yet makes a big impact, especially with its rousing chorus and unique choreography.
Which one is this? The weird, artsy, modern black & white-themed one.

Memorable bit: “And if we die tomorrow…”

Result: 4th

14. The Makemakes - I Am Yours (Austria)

Smack-bang in the middle, this year's hosts Austria give us a mid-tempo piano ballad with a slight old-school retro vibe. Not a million miles away from Coldplay's "The Scientist", this one kicks off a run of eight ballads.

Which one is this? The one with the burning piano.

Memorable bit: "You're what I belong to..."

Result: Joint last, 0 points

15. Maria Helena Kyriakou - One Last Breath (Greece)

This year, Greece have opted for the big female power ballad, and it’s for the most part a big success, building gradually in somewhat comforting if predictable style. It ends at around 2:15 but goes on for another desperate 30 seconds. 12 points from Cyprus.
Which one is this? The blonde woman in the blue circle.
Memorable bit: “I’m begging you, take me”

Result: 19th

16. Knez - Adio (Montenegro)

One of those Balkan ballads that we in the West only hear at Eurovision, it has a strange rhythm and Eastern instrumentation that builds and builds to an effective climax with crashing drums. I'm buggered if I can find a memorable chorus or melody, but it's pleasant enough. Knez is evidently a seasoned pro and gives a polished performance with his much younger female backing dancers, in front of a dramatic mountain backdrop.

Which one is this? The one with the weird helicopter/Zorba the Greek dance.

Memorable bit: Erm... None of it. And it's all in foreign.

Result: 13th

17. Ann Sophie - Black Smoke (Germany)

A funky, retro mid-tempo song with lots of attitude, sees an Amy Winehouse lookalike sing like Paloma Faith. The simple staging lets the song do the talking.

Which one is this? Amy Winehouse sings Paloma Faith

Memorable bit: "'Cause you said you'd never let me go..."

Result: Joint last, 0 points

18. Monika Kuszyńska - In The Name Of Love (Poland)

Consider your heartstrings pulled as we see real-life footage of a younger Monika strutting her stuff as the Carol Vorderman lookalike (thank you Mel Giedroyc) sings live from her wheelchair. It's a bit of a nothing song, and her voice isn't the strongest, but the (very) pink staging and lyrical sentiment are beautiful.

Which one is this? Carol Vorderman in a wheelchair.

Memorable bit: "Beyond the fear, let's build a bridge"

Result: 23rd

19. Aminata - Love Injected (Latvia)

A very strange one, this. Very sparse electronic beats and high, thin vocals soon transform into a belting chorus and back again, climaxing in a memorable chant of "oh-oh"s. The simple staging works superbly. A potential dark horse, this.

Which one is this? The electronic ballad with the big red dress.

Memorable bit: "Your love... revives my soul"

Result: 6th

20. Voltaj - Del La Capat/All Over Again (Romania)

A party political broadcast on behalf of UKIP, this concentrates on the plight of the children left behind when parents leave Romania to go abroad to earn money for their families. This one's sung mostly in Romanian, but has the final chorus in English. It has a strong melody, but the vocalist isn't the strongest in the world. He's promised to sing it all in English if they get to the final, but that hasn't gone down well with their Romanian fans, so we'll see. The original Romanian version has already been a massive hit back home, at the end of last year.
Which one's this? The bald man singing around the suitcases.
Memorable bit: "You will be the reason, you will be the reason"

Result: 15th

21. Edurne - Amanacer (Spain)
After relative success with Ruth Lorenzo last year, Spain have returned with another female power-ballad, complete with dramatic staging and (I'm reliably informed) international superstar Edurne. She's duetted with Olly Murs, you know.
Which one's this? The blonde girl with (and without) the cape.
Memorable bit: "Ee-yeah-ee-yeah-eah, ee-yeah-ee-yeah-eah"

Result: 21st

22. Boggie - Wars For Nothing (Hungary)

The ballad run concludes with the slowest so far, a repetitive, acoustic anti-war ballad. Very cheesy, but quite effective if you choose to go with it. The singer looks like a cross between the Duchess of Cambridge and Luisa Zissman, but you may have seen her YouTube video, "Parfum", which has achieved 8 million views so far.
Which one is this? The one with gun tree.
Memorable bit: "Do you know our Earth is a mess?"

Result: 20th

23. Nina Sublatti - Warrior (Georgia)
The ballads come to a thumping end courtesy of this, the most powerful of the girl power tracks. Nina goes full-on Goth rock chick, full of attitude, and the most effective staging since Sweden, with its dry ice and thunder clouds. The song isn't great, but this will definitely make a massive impact after the long string of ballads.
Which one is this? The goth rock chick.
Memorable bit: "Ooh-ooh I'm a warrior"

Result: 11th

24. Elnur Huseynov - Hour of the Wolf (Azerbaijan)

A gorgeous ballad sung by a man with a phenomenal voice - Elnur, who performaed Azerbaijan's debut entry in 2008 as a falsetto albino angel. Unfortunately his English pronunciation is pretty poor, but he is flanked by two contemporary dancers to help tell the tale. You may recognise the male dancer as Canadian Lukas McFarlane, winner of the third series of Sky's "Got to Dance".

Which one is this? The wolf one with the contemporary dancers throwing each other around.

Memorable bit: "No, I won't sleep tonight"

Result: 12th

25. Polina Gagarina - A Million Voices (Russia)
Another year, another peace ballad from Russia. You have to admire their cheek, especially as silencing a million voices is their particular speciality. As it is, it's a great power ballad, and, far from the recent tradition of boos, the combination of Polina's phenomenal voice, pretty face, and pitch-perfect staging might even see it snatch victory from Sweden, which has been favourite for so long it is facing a big fan backlash. It all really depends upon whether the more progressive, Ukraine-loving Western countries can bring themselves to vote for homophobic warmongers Russia. We'll find out shortly.
Which one is this? The pretty blonde Russian with the peace ballad.
Memorable bit: "We believe, we believe in a dream"

Result: 2nd

26. Elhaida Dani - I'm Alive (Albania)

One final, stirring, girl power ballad, this builds and builds with crashing drums, but ultimately doesn't go anywhere special. Elhaida's vocals struggle in the song's climax, but she gives it her all and has a lot of online support. At one point, it sounds like she sings "you shat on my dreams", but I'm assured it's "you shut down my dreams". Shame.
Which one is this? The shouty mousy one with the sparkly backdrop.
Memorable bit: "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay"

Result: 17th

27. Il Volo - Grande Amore (Italy)
And we finish with the other other favourite, a big Italian ballad sang in an operatic style by a trio of young men with big voices. Again, I'm reliably informed that they are well-known across Europe (and indeed the world) so expectations are big for this one. Opera never does well at Eurovision, but this year could be the exception. Anyone who uses George & Lorraine McFly as an example of "Grande Amore" in their music video gets a big thumbs-up from me.
Which one is this? The operatic one.
Memorable bit: "Grande amore"
Result: 3rd