Eurovision 2016 - Semifinal 1 (preview, updated with results)

Eurovision Song Contest 2016 Stockholm - Semi-final 1

BBC4, 8pm Tuesday May 10th

The time has come again for my annual round-up of what to expect in tonight's Eurovision Semi-final, the first of two this week before Saturday’s grand final. One song has already fallen (let’s have a Moment Of Silence for Romania’s disqualified Ovidiu Anton) and by Saturday’s final, a further 16 songs will be gone. Musical taste is subjective, of course, but you can pretty much guarantee a song in everyone’s top 10 will not make it to Saturday night, and this year will be no different.

The concept of a “Eurovision song” is broadening all the time, and whilst we do get the expected cheesy electropop entries, big power ballads and ethnic instrumentation, this year there is a lot of disco/funk, country, folk and a wide range of rock, from boyband pop through to 1980s hair metal via Britpop indie and ending up somewhere completely off the wall, courtesy of Montenegro.

It's a consistently high standard this year of both songs and visuals. Things Beyonce is now doing on-stage were done years ago on the Eurovision stage, and the innovations this year keep coming. There are a handful of gems and even fewer stinkers, but mostly fall somewhere in between, and at the higher end of the scale. Some songs have been amplified by their staging, and others hindered. The qualifiers this year are the hardest I’ve ever attempted to predict.

1 - Finland - Sandhja - Sing It Away

The first of many disco-inspired up-tempo numbers, this is a decent start to proceedings, with a positive message and bundles of energy. Sandhja has bags of personality, but unfortunately her live vocals don’t live up to what the song requires. The staging is relatively simple, as Sandhja and her all-female dance troupe simply dance to the song.

Song hook: “Sing it away”

Visuals: The short-haired girl in the blue catsuit.

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? No

Result: Out

2 - Greece - Argo - Utopian Land

A bizarre mix of the traditional and the modern, this mid-tempo track mixes ethnic instrumentation with crashing drums, a repetitive English chorus and Greek rap. It’s a curious mess, but you will definitely be singing along with the chorus by the end. One of their band members has been sacrificed in favour of a male dancer, who rips his shirt off at the end.

Song hook: “We’re the rise in the rising sun”

Visuals: Two girls, four guys, two instruments and golden screen patterns.

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? Yes. It’s Greece.

Result: Out! Shocker! But deserved.

3 - Moldova - Lidia Isac - Falling Stars

The first song many would likely label a “typical Eurovision song”, this up-tempo electropop dance song builds quickly into a high-pitched chorus that improves as it goes along. The blue staging is somewhat appropriate, and then a dancing astronaut appears. Whilst I can see what they’re doing, it makes it difficult to take the song seriously.

Song hook: “The sky is tumbling, it’s coming down, coming down”

Visuals: The girl with the spaceman.

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? No

Result: Out.

4 - Hungary - Freddie - Pioneer

An epic, rousing song with a positive message, driving drum beat and gruff powerhouse vocals from a tall, dark and handsome man. Tonight, Matthew, Colin Farrell is going to be James Arthur. Sadly, the positive message of the song is somewhat lost in Freddie’s incomprehensible English, so keep the subtitles on. It’s one of those ones that’s instantly forgettable, but when it comes on the CD, you think “oh, what’s this one again?” The staging is pretty simple – Freddie, three backing singers and a dancing drummer and one enormous drum.

Song hook: “A million hearts of a million people”

Visuals: Colin Farrell and his big drum

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Through.

5 - Croatia - Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse

One of the fan early favourites has completely shot its chances with its staging. A rather pleasant ballad with uplifting lyrics, the song is completely overshadowed by a ridiculous outfit that Queen Amidala would think is a bit much. This outfit gets ripped off mid-chorus, but only to reveal a second ridiculous outfit that makes her look like a cross between a feather duster and a piano. The song deserves WAY better.

Song hook: “Your lighthouse, your lighthouse”

Visuals: The girl in the stupid outfit

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? No

Result: Through.

6 - The Netherlands - Douwe Bob - Slow Down

A mid-tempo country/folk song, it’s bright and breezy but pretty anonymous. The last time The Netherlands did this, they came second. The staging has the feeling of a small pub, inside a clock. Rather bravely, they’ve inserted a 10-second break after the instrumental break. This could go really well or really badly…

Song hook: “Slow down, brother, slow down if you can’t go on”

Visuals: The man with the guitar and dramatic…. pause

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Through.

7 - Armenia - Iveta Mukuchyan - LoveWave

And now for something completely different… After a spoken intro, the song begins softly before suddenly pausing for a swirling, electronic build that last around 14 seconds, followed by crashing drums and the catchy chorus. It won’t be to everyone’s cup of tea, but it’ll definitely grab your attention.

Song hook: “It’s taking over me… Ooh woo-ooh wooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh”

Visuals: The leggy brunette.

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Through.

8 - San Marino - Serhat - I Didn't Know

After the horrified fan reaction to the creepy ballad version, this song was sharply remixed and the disco version was decided to be “so popular” (translation: “slightly more tolerable”) that this version was declared the official entry instead. Truth be told, the facelift has worked, at least in the sense that if you tune out the terrible-Leonard-Cohen-impersonator vocals, there’s an entertainingly familiar disco instrumental behind it. But it’s still a dirty old man singing around a bunch of young ladies.

Song hook: “I didn’t know that I’ve fallen for you…”

Visuals: The middle-aged man in the trilby.

Should qualify? Hell no

Will qualify? Hell no

Result: Out.

9 - Russia - Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One

One of the big bookies’ favourites, the staging on this one makes last year’s winner, "Heroes", look subtle. Impressive visuals accompany an impactful up-tempo cheesy pop song that may be at least a decade out of date, but there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. Sergey is apparently quite well-known in the East, and popular with the gay community, so at the very least the anti-Russia booing should be kept to a minimum.

Song hook: “Thunder and lightning, it’s getting exciting”

Visuals: Sergey and the amazing interactive backdrop

Should qualify? Hell yes

Will qualify? Hell yes

Result: Through.

10 - Czech Republic - Gabriela Guncikova - I Stand

One of the better power ballads this year, Gabriela’s powerhouse vocals and simple, classy performance should see the country make it out of the semifinals for the very first time. I just hope people aren't still talking about Russia when this is on.

Song hook: “’Cause I-I-I-I-I-I stand”

Visuals: The girl with the triangles and flowers

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through! First time in the finals for Czechia! Congratulations!

11 - Cyprus - Minus One - Alter Ego

An excellent stadium rock number, full of energy, swirling guitars and catchy melodies, this is another personal favourite of mine. I’m hoping it’s being underestimated.

Song hook: There are a few memorably repetitive bits, but the chorus begins “I’m caught in the middle of the dawn and the sunrise”

Visuals: The rock band in the cages.

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Through.

12 - Austria - Zoe - Loin D'ici (Far from Here)

Sickly sweet and dripping in cheese, this is twee, cutesy and adorable. The only song that’s entirely in French, it’s old-school Eurovision brought up to date and I love it for it.

Song hook: “Dans un pays, loin d’ici, en chante, en chante”

Visuals: Pink and butterflies and poppies and snow and rainbows and stars and general loveliness.

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? No

Result: Through! A real shock, but delighted!!!

13 - Estonia - Juri Pootsmann - Play

Juri is something of an Estonian George Ezra as his boyish looks do not suit his deep, bassy voice. Sadly he lacks charisma and not even a magic trick can rescue his lack of stage presence. The song itself is fine and certainly a unique sound in this competition, falling somewhere between Nancy Sinatra’s “Bang Bang” and Take That’s “Shine”.

Song hook: “…That we’re falling, we’re falling into”

Visuals: The deep-voiced bloke with the playing cards

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? No

Result: Out.

14 - Azerbaijan - Samra Rahimli - Miracle

A slick, well-produced modern RnB pop song that clicks itself along at a steady pace before hitting its killer chorus. Sadly, Samra’s live vocals are not the strongest and the rather bland choreography of her four Roman-esque backing dancers do nothing especially memorable.

Song hook: “Gonna take a miracle, woah-oh”

Visuals: The girl with magic fingers

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? No

Result: Through.

15 - Montenegro - Highway - The Real Thing

One of a handful of entries this year that can be categorised as “WTF” as it mixes dubstep and synth sounds with heavy guitar riffs and gruff vocals that are screechy and unusually deep. And they've roped in a female dancer that can't actually dance very well.

Song hook: “Feel it, I’m the real thing, yeah.”

Visuals: The screechy rock band with the dancing girl

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? No

Result: Out.

16 - Iceland - Greta Salome - Hear Them Calling

An unusual song about blocking out the negative voices, this one is staged like a giant Warshak test, creating a Scandi-noir atmosphere that fits the song perfectly. It’s a difficult one to label, genre-wise, with its tribal drums and horns. Greta is one of many returning contestants this year, having entered a few years ago with the Game of Thrones-y duet “Never Forget”, so I’m expecting some fan support in the voting.

Song hook: “I hear them calling me, I hear them whispering”

Visuals: The giant Warshak test.

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Out. Biggest shock of the night! So sad for Greta.

17 - Bosnia & Herzegovina - Dalal & Deen ft Anan Rucner & Jala - Ljubav Je (Love Is)

One of surprisingly few Baltic ballads this year, this bears the hallmarks of aching strings, flutes, crashing drums and chanty vocals. The staging reflects the lyrics, a plea for us to show love to one another, with particular reference to the current refugee crisis. The barbed wire and bacofoil survival blankets may be a bit much, but songs like this usually do well, even with an unexpected rap thrown in.

Song hook: Something in foreign, but the title is a clue.

Visuals: The duet with the barbed wire.

Should qualify? No

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Out.

18 - Malta - Ira Losco - Walk on Water

Despite the Maltese public choosing a different, more subtle song, Ira’s second entry in the contest after over a decade away (remember “Seventh Wonder”, anyone?) is a far ballsier, in-your-face pop number with a modern production that falls somewhere between house and Emeli Sande. Despite the evocative song title, they’ve kept the staging relatively simple, but hopefully it’s a strong enough song that even the distracting OTT dancer can’t hurt its chances.

Song hook: “I can’t get enough of your love”

Visuals: The brunette in the gold dress singing while an acrobatic dancer swirls around her

Should qualify? Yes

Will qualify? Yes

Result: Through.

Post-Mortem

A few surprises; Cyprus and Czechia actually disappointed me, whereas Montenegro's staging was pretty amazing. Croatia and Azerbaijan improved vocally, and Austria's staging looked breathtaking. The lack of a Baltic ballad only means good things for Serbia on Thursday.

My top 3: Armenia, Russia and Austria.