Eurovision Song Contest 2016 Stockholm - Grand Final - Preview

Eurovision Song Contest 2016 Stockholm - Grand Final

BBC1, 8pm Saturday May 14th

The time has come again for my annual round-up of what to expect in tonight's Eurovision Grand Final. 17 songs have fallen, and if this one is the first you're watching, you've missed some absolute treats- good (Iceland), bad (San Marino) and both (Belarus).

The staging innovations this year are truly world class; a consistently high standard of both songs and visuals. As always, some songs have been amplified by their staging, and others hindered. The results this year are too hard to even attempt to predict.

1. Belgium - Laura Tesoro - What's the Pressure?

An up-tempo funk/disco number with a bassline straight out of 1970s Chic, and Jacksons sax. An uplifting song with a positive message, this kicks things off with a big smile.

Visuals: The young curly-haired girl in the tightly-choreographed Las Vegas D.I.S.C.O

Song hook: What's pressure? You will grow, you will know in the end...

2. Czech Republic - Gabriela Guncikova - I Stand

One of the better power ballads this year, Gabriela’s powerhouse vocals and simple, classy performance saw the country make it out of the semifinals for the very first time. Unfortunately they've been given "The Death Slot" as no country has ever won from performing second.

Song hook: “’Cause I-I-I-I-I-I stand”

Visuals: The blonde woman with the triangles and flowers

3. The Netherlands - Douwe Bob - Slow Down

A mid-tempo country/folk song, it’s bright and breezy but pretty anonymous. The last time The Netherlands did this, they came second. The staging has the feeling of a small pub, inside a clock. Rather bravely, they’ve inserted a 10-second break after the instrumental break. This could go really well or really badly…

Song hook: “Slow down, brother, slow down if you can’t go on”

Visuals: The man with the guitar and dramatic…. pause

4. Azerbaijan - Samra Rahimli - Miracle

A slick, well-produced modern RnB pop song that clicks itself along at a steady pace before hitting its killer chorus. Sadly, Samra’s live vocals are not the strongest and neither the staging nor the rather bland choreography of her four Roman-esque backing dancers do nothing especially memorable.

Song hook: “Gonna take a miracle, woah-oh”

Visuals: The girl with the Roman dancers

5. Hungary - Freddie - Pioneer

Tonight, Matthew, Colin Farrell is going to be James Arthur. An epic, rousing song with a positive message, driving drum beat and gruff powerhouse vocals from a tall, dark and handsome man. Sadly, the positive message of the song is somewhat lost in Freddie’s incomprehensible English, so keep the subtitles on. It’s one of those ones that’s instantly forgettable, but when it comes on the CD, you think “oh, what’s this one again?” The staging is pretty simple – Freddie, three backing singers, a dancing drummer and one enormous drum perform on a lava-cracked floor.

Song hook: “A million hearts of a million people”

Visuals: Colin Farrell and his big drum

6. Italy - Francesca Michelin - No Degree of Separation
Sung mostly in Italian, this song about how we are all the same could be a dark horse, as it's widely popular despite being one that keeps slipping my mind. The random-object staging is weird, but appealingly colourful, and the floor represents her isolation via an island.
Visuals: The girl with the CGI tree, sparkly dungarees and a load of cheap tat.
Song hook: Lots of words ending in "onay" or "ation" sounds

7. Israel - Hovi Star - Made of Stars

A big, dramatic power ballad, this one comes from a fabulously flamboyant guy with a big voice and even bigger personality. Not that you would know that from this pretty flat ballad, Hovi knows how to SELL this song.

Visuals: The androgynous guy with the sparkles and the dancers in the spinning hoop.

Song hook: We are made of stars, silver fragments falling, we are made of stars...

8. Bulgaria - Poli Genova - If Love Was A Crime

The former rock chick who failed to get through the semis of 2011's competition finally makes it to the final with a far superior, powerful electronic pop song that will grab you by the lapels and have you singing along, even in Bulgarian.

Visuals: The girl with the half-shaved head, virtual dancers and TV static backdrop.

Song hook: Oh, daimi lubvta, they will never bring us down

9. Sweden - Frans - If I Were Sorry

If I were a betting man, this is where my money would be. To be clear, it's not even in my personal top 10, but I just have a feeling about this one. He has a very weak voice, and the song has very little to it, and is not even close to the in-your-face pop perfection you would expect Sweden to enter into Eurovision. And yet its simple staging is very effective, the song is catchy (albeit in an irritating way), and it has a cool, contemporary swag(ger). This song would easily be playlisted on Radio 1 (if they weren't such arseholes about ESC songs) and would not sound out of place on the new Justin Bieber album. Whether that is a good or bad thing is not for me to say, but it's a solid reason to see this as a winner. Keep an eye out for the cheeky little smirk on the 17-year-old's face as the beat kicks in for the chorus - that's a winning moment if ever I saw one. And they are now the only Scandinavians left in the competition.
Visuals: The cute 17-year-old boy with a Mockney accent
Song hook: ...If I were sorry....

10. Germany - Jamie-Lee - Ghost
A pretty bland but quietly catchy ballad sung by a white girl dressed as a Japanese Harijuku girl. It's a distinctive look that will be more memorable than the song. Her bizarre staging is matched by strange ultraviolet trees and green lasers.
Visuals: Harijuku girl in neon forest. With lasers.
Song hook: This is the ghost of you, haunting the ghost of me

11. France - Amir - J'ai Cherche
One of my favourites this year, an infectiously joyous up-tempo number that will have you clapping your hands along. The verses are in French but the insanely catchy chorus is in English. Unfortunately his live vocals have been a bit wobbly in rehearsals so fingers crossed he hits the notes tonight.
Visuals: The Gallic-Israeli man singing in space
Song hook: You-ou-ou-ou-ou, you're the one that's making me strong, I'll be looking, looking for...

12. Poland - Michal Szpak - Color of Your Life

Yes, they've adopted the US spelling but let's not hold it against them. Michal's androgynous goth style and long hair match the song's 1980s stadium-rock power ballad.

Visuals: The guy with the long 80s hair.

Song hook: Oh-oh-oh-oh, tell me black or white, what colour is your life...?

13. Australia - Dami Im - The Sound of Silence

A huge ballad from a girl with a huge voice, this one is about the disconnect between people caused by online social media. But the reference to "face time" doesn't mean Apple's "FaceTime". Honest. Yeah, right... That said, this is easily one of my favourites this year, and Dami's live vocals are outstanding.

Visuals: The Korean-Australian sitting on a box

Song hook: Now my heart awakes to the sound of silence, and it beats to the sound of silence...

14. Cyprus - Minus One - Alter Ego

An excellent stadium rock number, full of energy, swirling guitars and catchy melodies, this is another personal favourite of mine. I’m hoping it’s being underestimated.

Song hook: I’m caught in the middle of the dawn and the sunrise, life is a miracle, I saw it in your eyes.

Visuals: The rock band in the cages.

15. Serbia - Sanja Vucic/Zaa - Goodbye (Shelter)

Yet another dramatic ballad, this one tackles domestic abuse. Given that the other ethnic ballads have failed to qualify, this surely increases Serbia’s chances. Potentially powerful stuff, but I keep forgetting this song exists.

Visuals: The brunette in black leather, fighting off her male dancer.

Song hook: Every time you say goodbye, you try to hold me by your side...

16. Lithuania - Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night

Quite young for a Eurovision veteran, Donny surprised everyone in 2012 by taking the mediocre Love Is Blind though to the finals, thanks to his great voice and funky dance moves, including his memorable one-handed flip. Sadly, they're relying on that a bit too much this year and the far superior song actually makes far less of an impact. They've thrown in a trampet and some air jets for a different kind of flip, but the song deserves better.

Visuals: The curly-haired guy who somersaults

Song hook: I've been waiting for this night, I've been waiting for this night...

17. Croatia - Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse

One of the fan early favourites has completely shot its chances with its staging. A rather pleasant ballad with uplifting lyrics, the song is completely overshadowed by a ridiculous outfit that Queen Amidala would think is a bit much. This outfit gets ripped off mid-chorus, but only to reveal a second ridiculous outfit that makes her look like a cross between a feather duster and a piano. The song deserves WAY better.

Song hook: “Your lighthouse, your lighthouse”

Visuals: The girl in the stupid outfit

18. Russia - Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One

One of the big bookies’ favourites, the staging on this one makes last year’s winner, "Heroes", look subtle. Impressive visuals accompany an impactful up-tempo cheesy pop song that may be at least a decade out of date, but there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. Sergey is apparently quite well-known in the East, and popular with the gay community, so at the very least the anti-Russia booing should be kept to a minimum. But frankly you won't notice the song, you'll be watching the staging.

Song hook: “Thunder and lightning, it’s getting exciting”

Visuals: Sergey and the amazing interactive backdrop

19. Spain - Barei - Say Yay!
Get the dancing shoes on, Barei has some nifty footwork to teach you in this positive, up-tempo disco number. The song itself builds nicely, but then drops as it throws in an extra bridge before the anthemic chorus. But if they play the right 30-second clip in the recap you may remember this as being better than it was. Not convinced the faux-injury moment is a good idea, however.
Visuals: That foot dance
Song hook: "Say yay-yay-yay"

20. Latvia - Justs - Heartbeat

Last year's Latvian entry, Aminata, came top 5 so she returns this year as a songwriter and gives us another electronic-infused song, but this one is an up-tempo stomper and a real fan favourite. I'm not quite as excited about it, but its uniquely bassy production certainly makes it stand out.

Visuals: The guy in the leather jacket.

Song hook: "Feeling your heartbeat, that's what I want, that's what I need..."

21. Ukraine - Jamala - 1944

A mostly-English song about the invasion of Crimea in 1944. Not, I repeat NOT 2014. This is definitely something unique this year. Lots of ethnic wailing that will certainly alienate a huge section of the audience, but the lyrics and story behind the song warrant Jamala's emotional performance. It's one of the hot favourites for the win, but even if it does, I can't imagine it charting anywhere.

Visuals: Wailing Melanie C

Song hook: Yasligima toyalmadim

22. Malta - Ira Losco - Walk on Water

Despite the Maltese public choosing a different, more subtle song, Ira’s second entry in the contest after over a decade away (remember “Seventh Wonder”, anyone?) is a far ballsier, in-your-face pop number with a modern production that falls somewhere between house music and Emeli Sandé. Despite the evocative song title, they’ve kept the staging relatively simple, but hopefully it’s a strong enough song that even the distracting OTT dancer can’t hurt its chances.

Song hook: “I can’t get enough of your love”

Visuals: A pregnant Kate Beckinsale singing while an acrobatic dancer swirls around her

23. Georgia - Young Georgian Lolitas - Midnight Gold

A clearly Britpop-inspired indie band gives us one of the least “Eurovision” songs ever, with an alternative rock track that swells into EDM in the final third. It’s not especially catchy but should stand out as something very different, especially with the psychedelic visuals.

Visuals: The psychedelic Britpop-inspired band

Song hook: The guitar riffs are actually more memorable than any of the vocal lines, but "I grabbed a cigarette out of your bag".

24. Austria - Zoe - Loin D'ici (Far from Here)

Sickly sweet and dripping in cheese, this is twee, cutesy and adorable. The only song that’s entirely in French, it’s old-school Eurovision brought up to date and I love it for it. The staging is amazing.

Song hook: “Dans un pays, loin d’ici, en chante, en chante”

Visuals: Pink and butterflies and poppies and snow and rainbows and stars and general loveliness.

25. United Kingdom - Joe & Jake - You're Not Alone
A rousing pop-rock anthem with several catchy hooks throughout the song. The bromance between the guys is infectious and I really hope that the under-rated song does well.
Visuals: The boyband duo with audience selfies.
Song hook: And they don't need to know-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh...

26. Armenia - Iveta Mukuchyan - LoveWave

And now for something completely different, closing the show with a literal bang. After a spoken intro, the song begins softly before suddenly pausing for a swirling, electronic build that last around 14 seconds, followed by crashing drums and the catchy chorus. It won’t be to everyone’s cup of tea, but it’ll definitely grab your attention. Amazing.

Song hook: “It’s taking over me… Ooh woo-ooh wooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh”

Visuals: The leggy brunette.

If you're hungry for more, I've created a playlist of the semifinalists you didn't see here...

Eurovision 2016 semifinalists