The X Factor 2012 - Week 4 - Halloween (allegedly)

Handbags at dawn. We bring you... Breathgate!

Oh, and Lucy Spraggan has been given a week off due to ill health. Get well, Lucy.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Kye Sones - Let Me Entertain You [Robbie Williams]
He hardly has the presence and swagger to pull this song off. Not even close. That said, it was his best vocal so far.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Sweet Dreams [Beyoncé]
Their best vocals to date, and a pretty decent performance to boot, too.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Rylan Clark - Toxic [Britney Spears]/ Horny [Mousse T]/ Poison [Nicole Scherzinger]
Same old, same old. Vote for him, that'll show that mean old bully, Gary. Yawn.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Bring Me To Life [Evanescence]
Top tune, top vocalist. How could it go so horribly wrong? Nicole was spot-on; the song was in the wrong key, it did not suit her voice and just made both her and the song sound all the worse for it.

TEAM GARY
5. Christopher Maloney - (I Just) Died In Your Arms [Cutting Crew]
Chris is a bit infuriating, because he does nothing original, innovative or current- but has a great voice, and performs well.

Ooh Gary just called Tulisa "fagbreath" and Tulisa returned with "red wine breath". Meow!

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Every Breath You Take [Police]/ Beautiful Monster [Ne-Yo]
Their vocals were pretty awful on the chorus. The mash-up had nothing to do with it. The dancing certainly didn't help.

TEAM NICOLE
8. Jahmene Douglas - Killing Me Softly [Roberta Flack]
I've made this complaint before, but this is not a romantic song. It is a song about a singer/songwriter performing a song that you feel could have been written about you. Absolutely NO reason to change "his" to "her" unless you're a homophobe. End of. His vocals were back to tedious anyway.

TEAM FAGBREATH
9. Jade Ellis - Freak Like Me [Edina Howard/Sugababes]
What a catastrophe. Hellish arrangement of a crap song that was only good when mashed up with a Gary Numan song. By the time that kicked in, the damage was done. She deserves so much better.

TEAM NICOLE
10. James Arthur - Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) [Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson]
As usual, he looks a mess but his vocals were pretty fantastic. The arrangement was spot-on for his voice.

RESULTS

Bottom two: Jade and District 3.
Jade goes home.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 3 - Club Classics

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Christopher Maloney - Waiting For A Star To Fall [Boy Meets Girl]
I love this song, but this was cringey cruise ship yellowcoat cabaret karaoke at its finger-clicking, jazz-hands cheesiest. The vocals were far from perfect. It was good fun and I'd have been happy with it, but as a credible performance from a potential music artist it failed miserably.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. MK1 - Gypsy Woman [Crystal Waters]/ Pass Out [Tinie Tempah]
I hated the first song first time round, and whilst they updated its beats, it was just as crap, in exactly the same way. But stopping one song and starting another is not a mash-up, and the second song was completely pointless.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Jahmene Douglas - Say A Little Prayer [Aretha Franklin]
Out come the sob stories, albeit reluctantly (again), but let's face it, Jahmene's voice doesn't usually need it. This week, however, he rivalled Cristopher in the cheese stakes, but the emotional hangover from the sob story have clearly had an impact, so I'll give him a one-week reprieve. Although this song is not what I'd call a club classic, even with a "Mercy" [Duffy] background mash up.

TEAM TULISA
4. Jade Ellis - Free [Ultra Naté]
Given a nice Emeli Sandé drum-n-bass vibe, the song suited her voice better than I would have thought and I quite liked the attitude staging and choreography. Something was lacking, but she was demonstrably ill so she can have a pass too. Not that she needs it.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - Sexy And I Know It [LMFAO]
Erm....... O....kaaaay.... Of all the dance anthems that can be turned into folksy acoustic songs, this is pretty near the bottom. He scowled throughout his "fun" song like he wanted to kill the first three rows, but his vocals were pretty flawless. He's the Anti-Chris, if you will.

TEAM LOUIS
6. Union J - When Love Takes Over [David Guetta & Kelly Rowland]
Not a patch on Matt Cardle's Clocks mash-up version from two years ago, but you can't keep a great song down and they did a decent job. Nicole made good points about their lack of harmonies and energy, but even that was only a partial issue.

TEAM NICOLE
7. Rylan Clark - On The Floor [Jennifer Lopez]/ Don't Stop The Music [Rihanna]/ I See You Baby [Groove Armada]
On mute, he's fantastic. Unfortunately, I'm typing this and therefore mostly listening. He is hands-down the best performer. But this is X Factor, not BGT.

TEAM TULISA
8. Lucy Spraggan - Titanium [David Guetta & Sia]
A big song, and credit where it's due, Lucy's voice held up surprisingly well. Granted, we are getting samey performances, but I really liked the arrangement and am nowhere near bored of her yet.

TEAM GARY
9. Kye Sones - Save The World [Swedish House Mafia]
I'm not convinced that this was as big an improvement on last week, vocally, as it needed to be but it was an improvement, and did make a bigger impact. Still some flat notes though.

TEAM LOUIS
10. District 3 - Beggin' [Madcon/Four Seasons]/ Turn Up The Music [Chris Brown]
With a lot to prove, having (ridiculously) survived last week's (alleged) sing-off, they certainly brought lots of energy. The harmonies were definitely improved, although the Chris Brown section was awful, but they ended on a high.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Ella Henderson - You Got The Love [The Source & Candi Staton]
Another big song, and this time the big voice to match. Nice to hear this minus the Florence screech, although her ad libs subtracted, rather than added. Why the judges misinterpreted Gary's positive comments I don't know. Well, actually I do. See last week.

RESULTS
The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM LOUIS
1. MK1 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved [The Script]
Oh dear. Exceptionally bad female vocals with a rap does not a good performance make, no matter how emotional the performance.

TEAM GARY (yet again)
2. Kye Sones - I Can't Make You Love Me [Bonnie Raitt/George Michael]
Sucks to be Gary Barlow right now. Kye gave a far better, stripped-down vocal here than last night's bigger production. No competition. So he's probably going home.

Louis sends home Kye.
Gary sends home MK1.
Nicole sends home MK1.
Tulisa sends home Kye. Wow, she really is out-Louis-ing Louis.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home MK1. Bye. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. Or do.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 2 - Heartbreak

To those offended by bad language, proceed with caution. You have been warned. But this programme features Louis Walsh so I have no choice.

TEAM NICOLE SHERZINGER
1. Jahmene Douglas - Tears Dry On Their Own/ Ain't No Mountain High Enough [Amy Winehouse/ Marvin Gaye & Diana Ross]
A pretty flat, amateurish performance with lots of banal armography. But his vocals were excellent, and surprisingly restrained. More like this and he may become a favourite.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
2. Christopher Maloney - Alone [Heart]
Don't think I've ever heard a man sing this before, but he has the big diva vocals to pull it off. Can't say it's much less cheesy than Hero, but it was a great vocal showcase and he got some emotion in there too.

TEAM CUNT
3. Union J - Bleeding Love/ Broken Strings [Leona Lewis/ James Morrison & Nelly Furtado]
Looking more and more like Wand Erection every week, they've definitely improved their vocals, although did start to go off-key on the second song. I liked the arrangement too. Luckily, it was Kye's input and not Cunt's that was responsible.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Lovin' You [Minnie Ripperton]
When a beehive is an improvement to your hair, you know something's gone wrong somewhere. Famous for its squeal, this is a mighty song to take on and she pulled it off (just), even managing to give it a bit of sass and avoiding its tweeness.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - No More Drama [Mary J. Blige]
It looked as though Keith Lemon was standing behind him using his arms as James's, the way he flailed about uncontrollably. But he certainly put the drama into it, especially in his gruff vocals.

TEAM TULISA
6. Lucy Spraggan - Gold Digger [KanYe West & Jamie Foxx]
The one-trick-pony that everyone seems to like (myself included) brings out the sob story, albeit reluctantly, as her nan passed away this week. Turning this hip-hop track into a sub-comedy folk song worked surprisingly well. And extra kudos for keeping the gender references. #TeamLGBT

TEAM GARY
7. District 3 - I Swear [All-4-One]
Putting a now-familiar sub-techno beat under a big 90s ballad, completely agree with Gary in that their individual vocals are far stronger than their harmonies. The choruses were not good. I wish I could enjoy Cunt's anger at Gary's comments... but I can't, he's too much of a cunt.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Love Is A Losing Game [Amy Winehouse]
Sounding worryingly similar to Amy (although in a good way), this is definitely a better fit for her voice than last week's song, but there is a danger of her becoming a soundalike. But whichever way you look at it, that was breathtaking.

TEAM CUNT
9. MK1 - I Want You Back [Jackson 5]
Her vocals have certainly improved, but He only subtracted every time He opened His mouth. (I can't be arsed to learn their names). So a 50% improvement on last week. "She" is Charlie, apparently.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Love The Way You Lie/ Thank You (Stan) [Eminem & Rihanna/ Dido]
A brave choice, and Kye's voice has a large range, but this was a bit of a struggle, and quite uncomfortable to listen to. He just about pulled it off, but with his falsetto, less is more and this was more, therefore less.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Rylan Clark - Back For Good/ Groove Is In The Heart/ Gangnam Style/ Pump Up The Jam [Take That/ Dee-Lite/ Psy/ Technotronic]
The survivor of Cuntgate, Rylan milks his trademark breakdowns with all his might, and with his voice, who can blame him? Opting for a kitchen sink approach to mash-ups, it was a car crash that only confirmed him as a novelty act. Cunt gives the most desperate positive review to justify his fuck-up last week. Fair play to Gary for continuing to call a spade a spade. Or a talentless Essex twat a talentless Essex twat. Ironically, the Back For Good bit was genuinely good.

TEAM GARY
12. Melanie Masson - Never Tear Us Apart [INXS]
Starting softly, she soon got to the Joplinesque belting and knocked it out of the park. She is possibly in danger of becoming the other one-trick pony, but at least she has the pipes to get away with it. For now.

RESULTS SHOW
Let's just brush over the return of the finger-wagging airhorn and the cringey talky bit in Taylor Swift's performance.

The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM CUNT
1. District 3 - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You [Bryan Adams]
The sub-techno backing track is back, but doesn't disguise the fact that their harmonies are as bad as ever. Crap.

TEAM GARY
2. Melanie Masson - Stay With Me [The Faces]
You can pretty much imagine what this was going to sound like before she started, and you would have been right. By which I mean splendid.

Cunt sends home Melanie. Obv.
Tulisa sends home Melanie. Bitch.
Gary sends home District 3. Obv.
Nicole sends home District 3. Phew.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Melanie. Gary doesn't storm off.

Thanks to Tulisa's actions, I may have to reinstate Louis's name or this will likely get increasingly confusing.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 1 - Heroes/inspiration

It's back! So, so am I.

WILDCARD RESULT (aka Foregone Conclusion)
Times Red (Team Louis Walsh)
Amy Mottram (Team Tulisa)
Adam Burridge (Team Nicole Scherzinger)
and, through to perform... Chris Maloney (Team Gary Barlow).

TEAM LOUIS
1. District 3 - The Best [Tina Turner]
Doing nothing that any boyband hasn't done for the last 20 years, we get over-singing and poor harmonies. Turning this into a lame mid-tempo ballad didn't help. I'm not averse to boybands nor the song, but it didn't work for me.

TEAM NICOLE
2. James Arthur - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) [Kelly Clarkson]
An interesting arrangement that took some of the cheese out. Not sure about the rap, even though he pulled it off, but his vocals were undeniably strong.

TEAM GARY
3. Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends [Joe Cocker/The Beatles]
One of the best performances from the "overs" we've ever had. Amazing. Ruth Lorenzo, eat your heart out.

TEAM TULISA
4. Lucy Spraggan - Mountains
A bit wordy in the verses, then contrastingly sparse in the chorus. Not the greatest vocal in the world, but she sold her song and told its story.

TEAM LOUIS
5. MK1 - Champion [Chipmunk & Chris Brown]
Full of contemporary attitude (swag, if you will), but unfortunately the vocals didn't match.

TEAM GARY
6. Chris Maloney - Hero [Mariah Carey]
"X Factor Clichés", page one. Fortunately, his vocals were up to it. But yawn. "You need a little burger with that cheese"!!! Go Nicole!!!

TEAM LOUIS
7. Union J - Don't Stop Me Now [Queen]
It's become obvious why George was added, as he provided the closest thing to decent vocals in this performance. Yikes, the groups are crap this year.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Hero [Enrique Iglesias]
I love her voice, but this song didn't match it. Nicole was again spot-on, it was in the wrong key.

TEAM NICOLE
9. Ryan Clark - Gold [Spandau Ballet]
The "comedy" act of this year, and nobody's laughing so they're trying to take him seriously. The song was in far too low a key (i.e. any key) but I have to give him his dues for his performance. He worked that stage. Shame about the voice. Again, fair play to Nicole- I agreed with Gary's comments but she freaking OWNED him with her comebacks.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Man in the Mirror [Michael Jackson]
"X Factor Clichés", page five. Gary is letting himself and his acts down already. That said, it's a great song and he did a great job with the second half. Just forget the first half. The clappy arrangement really grew on me.

TEAM TULISA
11. Ella Henderson - Rule The World [Take That]
As long as I don't watch her, I can enjoy her. (That hair! Those lips! That eye-makeup!) Her vocals are amazing, if a bit on the shouty side, especially against the stripped-down arrangement. Definitely one to watch. Although I have to say the clip used in the recaps sounded bloody awful.

TEAM GARY
12. Carolynne Poole - Starships [Nicki Minaj]
People seem to have forgotten that she came third in Fame Academy (behind Alex Parks and Alastair Griffin, and no, I didn't need to Google that). Frankly, this countrified arrangement wiped the floor with Nicki Minaj's original, and her vocals were flawless. She might even be able to pull off "Any Man of Mine" without getting voted off.

TEAM NICOLE
13. Jahmene Douglas - Imagine [John Lennon]
See my American Idol comments about Joshua Ledet. Except Jahmene avoided hairballs as well as the melody. Great voice, shame what he chooses to do with it.

RESULTS
Bottom two:
TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark: One Night Only [Dreamgirls]
Lets hope the title is prophetic. He didn't exactly give the kind of vocals that could win anybody over, and his nerves obviously impinged on his performance.

TEAM GARY
Carolynne Poole: There You'll Be [Faith Hill]
I had a horrible feeling Carolynne would be in danger. Damn it. Needless to say, she sang Rylan off the stage. Unfortunately, Louis Walsh gets a vote.

Nicole sends home Carolynne
Gary sends home Rylan
Tulisa sends home Rylan
Louis saves Carolynne then takes it to deadlock. Twat.
Deadlock: The public sends home Carolynne. Gary storms off. Thanks to Louis's dithering, Carolynne gets no "best bits" montage.

American Idol - Week 13 - Final.

It's Phillip Phillips Vs Jessica Sanchez.

Even though I'm watching this almost a week late, I've managed to avoid spoilers and yet am expecting this to be a foregone conclusion. Phillip is the only artist to never have been in the bottom two, plus I'm not that keen on him, and am totally Team Jessica all the way. So Phillip's going to walk it.

Round 1 - Simon Fuller's choice.
1. Jessica Sanchez - I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston).
Jessica has a big voice, and this song requires one. Unfortunately, it's not a good fit. Jessica was never off-key nor off-pitch, but there was a lack of meat in her vocals that made her amazing voice somehow sound somewhat thin and weedy.

2. Phillip Phillips - Stand By Me (Ben E. King).
Giving the song a folksy, acoustic twist, his growly vocals sounded out of place, and he somehow made this amazing song incredibly boring. Which is something of a trademark of Phillip's. At least he's consistent.

The judges (well, Randy) declare round 1 to Jessica. I'm inclined to agree, but both were disappointing so it's more by default than performing an impressive finale performance.

Jason Derülo performs his new single, "Undefeated", which sounds like a cross between Taio Cruz's "Higher" and a Coca Cola jingle.

Round 2 - Contestants' choice.
3. Jessica Sanchez - The Prayer (Céline Dion).
Now that's a bit more like it. Starting off softly, controlled, and incredibly beautiful, she built nicely to belting it out without overdoing it or shouting, and then pulled it back respectfully.

4. Phillip Phillips - Moving' Out (Anthony's Song) (Billy Joel).
Of all of his performances, why he chose this one in particular is a complete mystery to me. Boring, tedious, and of no impact whatsoever.

Round 2 unquestionably goes to Jessica. Stephen agrees, adding an "again", Randy calls it a draw (wuss) and JLo give it to Phillip because his performance was "Phillip". No argument there. Except for that being a good thing.

Round 3 - Winner's single.
5. Jessica Sanchez - Change Nothing.
A disappointingly middle-of-the-road ballad. It was sweet and all, and she sang it well, but there wasn't much to it. I'm curious to know who picked it and/or wrote it.

6. Phillip Phillips - Home.
What do you know? It's a song performed in a folksy acoustic way. It has a bit more of a tempo to it than we're usually used to hearing from Phillip, and it definitely has more of a melody than Jessica's song. But also a bit zzzzzzzzzz.

Round 3 goes to Phillip. Comparisons to Mumford & Sons and Paul Simon were quite accurate. "Brilliant" and "genius", not so much.

And to top it all off they drag back on the mighty season 10 winner (again) Scotty McCreery to sprinkle some stardust on proceedings. Well, sing his tedious exit song, "Better Love" anyway.

So, overall, possibly the most limp Idol finale I can ever remember.

RESULTS SHOW

The final howevermany (minus the two finalists) pop up to give us a rendition of Bruno Mars's "Runaway Baby". It's amazing how many names and faces I'd already forgotten.

1. Phillip Phillips & John Fogerty - Have You Ever Seen The Rain/ Bad Moon Rising (Credence Clearwater Revival).
It's always a strange thing to watch, Phillip duetting. Having become so used to his 33rpm twists on songs, he seems oddly uncomfortable singing a song as is, even if it's with one of his own idols. For my money, he sounded all the better for it, and he definitely came more to life on the second song.

Joshua Ledet returns to the stage for a scream-off with former winner Fantasia. Even the editor is clearly bored as we go to commercial before they've even finished. Phew.

The finalist girls return for a Chaka Khan medley of Ain't Nobody/ Through the Fire/ I'm Every Woman. And, to be fair, they all do a pretty decent job. Then Chaka herself joins them, looking and sounding a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw her pop up on a show like this. Which is not to be mistaken for flawless.

Rihanna performs a laser-heavy "Where Have You Been", a song that sounds a lot worse than similar songs at this year's Eurovision, yet will no doubt fare better in the charts purely on the basis of her name. Yawn.

Skylar Laine returns for a duet with Reba McIntyre on "Turn On Your Radio". Needless to say, she was in her element. She definitely has a bright future ahead in American country music.

Jennifer Holliday joins Jessica Sanchez in a freakishly bizarre scream-off on "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going", although it definitely brought the best out of Jessica's voice in a way that would make her losing to Phillip look frankly embarrassing. Jennifer, however, managed to embarrass herself with facial contortions I never thought would be possible without prosthetics.

Steven Tyler has reconciled with his band, so we get two Aerosmith performances, one is a new song, "Legendary Child", which fits seamlessly into their back catalogue, the other being the Girls Aloud Vs Sugababes classic "Walk This Way". It was what it was, which was what I expected it to be.

And so it's the final performance, a rather lovely duet of Phillip and Jessica performing "Up Where We Belong". With Phillip sounding scarily similar to Joe Cocker, it's fair to say Jessica more than matched Jennifer Warnes.

And so to the result, or foregone conclusion, as Ryan barely takes a breath before announcing the winner of American Idol season 11 is...

Phillip Phillips.

Phillip seems surprisingly calm, and Heejun runs on the stage to take the piss out of him. Then after the first chorus of "Home", it all hits Phillip and his voice cracks. He eventually gives up, hands his guitar to his fellow contestants and buries himself in his family's arms. By which I mean bodies, not guns. As we've discovered, it's a necessary distinction to make when it comes to the Phillips family. It's all rather sweet and emotional, and a nice way to end an underwhelming finale.

See you for season 12. Shortly before Phillip is dropped by BMG.

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Final (Preview)

Saturday, May 26th, BBC1/BBC1HD, 8pm

1. United Kingdom
Engelbert Humperdinck
"Love Will Set You Free".
The controversial British entry is actually a decent acoustic ballad with a playful melody and strong vocals from "The Hump". Whilst I can't say it makes a huge impact, I can't deny that I enjoy it when it's on.
Hook: "Love comes once, if you're lucky enough."

2. Hungary
Compact Disco
"Sound Of Our Hearts".
My personal favourite of this year's ballads, the production reminds me a lot of Madonna's "The Power of Good-bye". Some might consider it bland, generic and over-familiar, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Hook: "This is the sound of our hearts, if you listen".

3. Albania
Rona Nishliu
"Suus".
One of the slowest, but most powerful female-led ballads this year, this is very simple and basic but features breathtaking vocals from Rona. Namely, lots of Björk-esque wailing, but the song couldn't be more different from her music.
Hook: The massive, held-out notes.

4. Lithuania
Donny Montell
"Love Is Blind".
A bit of a mess, to put it mildly. Jumping around in style, from ballad to poor '90s disco production and back again, you can't help but feel there's a song in there somewhere trying to get out, but failing. By no means terrible, but I don't know what Lithuania were thinking entering this. The blindfold is in particularly bad taste.
Hook: "Love is blind, it's true".

5. Bosnia & Herzegovina
Maya Sar
"Korake Ti Znam".
One of the more forgettable female ballads. I'd elaborate, but there is little distinctive about it. It has some Celtic pan pipes towards the end, if that helps.
Hook: It doesn't have one.

6. Russia
Buranovskiye Babushki
"Party For Everybody".
Ask most people in the UK what they expect from Eurovision, and this will likely be what springs to mind. Several Russian grannies in traditional costume, it begins promisingly with a Lion King-like chant, but it soon deteriorates out of nowhere into an excruciating pop-Cossack crossover that you will NOT get out of your head. But in a very bad way. UK voters will love it, in a rubbernecking-a-car-crash kind of way.
Hook: "Dance, come on and dance, come on and party for everybody, dance."

7. Iceland
Greta Salóme & Jónsi
"Never Forget".
An epic Celtic duet whose production instantly conjures mental images of forests, swords, fur coats and leather trousers. The specific melody may not stick in your head, but it will surely be remembered as "that Game of Thrones-y one I quite liked".
Hook: "Forever we'll be free".

8. Cyprus
Ivi Adamou
"La, La, Love".
One of the strongest tracks this year, it's a real club-thumping stomper of a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a Rihanna album. Deserves to be a huge chart hit.
Hook: "Oh I'll be waiting for this la la la-la-la-la-la la la la-la-la-la-la la love".

9. France
Anggun
"Echo (You and I)".
A rather catchy if unremarkable up-tempo pop song with a memorable whistled hook. The song is a little schizophrenic in its production and tempo, but has a familiar feel. Despite its title, it's sung mostly in French.
Hook: Whistling, or "In my dreams, in my dreams, in my heart, in my mind, I see you and I".

10. Italy
Nina Zilli
"L'Amore E' Femmina (Out Of Love)".
Instantly infectious, it mixes a ballsy attitude with a retro vibe to great effect. Think the perfect blend of Dusty Springfield and Amy Winehouse.
Hook: "Boom! Boom! Boom!"

11. Estonia
Ott Lepland
"Kuula"
A full-on piano ballad, but with a male vocal. It's on the stronger end of the scale than most of its ballad competitors.
Hook: The title, really.

12. Norway
Tooji
"Stay".
Bits of this song are ace, in particular the bridge and the first half of the chorus, but the very irritating production throws in these horrid buzzes and alarm-like synth noises that stop me from loving this as much as I otherwise might. But Tooji owns that stage much like Sweden's Eric Saade did last year.
Hook: "I don't know what I'm doing tonight, but this rush is making me stronger".

13. Azerbaijan
Sabina Babayeva
"When The Music Dies".
Reigning champions Azerbaijan opt for yet another ballad, but this one is not quite up to their recent standard. It starts off in a lower register that doesn't sound altogether pleasant, but does build to a rousing chorus.
Hook: "Cold, cold, cold".

14. Romania
Mandinga
"Zaleilah".
Daft, gimmicky, playful and insanely catchy. Horns and accordions over a dance beat, it's a fine slice of Eurovision cheese.
Hook: "Zalilalilaleh, every day, everybody."

15. Denmark
Soluna Samay
"Should've Known Better".
This mid-tempo acoustic ballad is instantly catchy. Think Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", and you'll be in the ball park. It's only let down a little by the mid-section when the rather lovely chorus wanders away, and a very silly costume that makes the female singer look like a toy soldier.
Hook: "Now I miss you, like Sahara misses rain".

16. Greece
Eleftheria Eleftheriou
"Aphrodisiac".
A memorable and credible club anthem, with a sprinkling of Eastern vibes, like the best song Shakira never recorded, but with less irritating vocals. Its singalong "oh-oh-oh-oh-oh" chorus would also sound great on a dancefloor.
Hook: "You make me dance, dance like a maniac."

17. Sweden
Loreen
"Euphoria".
Now we're talking. With David Guetta consistently riding high in the UK singles chart, why this hasn't been picked up by radio and become a monster hit in the UK already mystifies me. Easily the best entry this year, this could potentially give Eurovision music some much-needed credibility with British music buyers. The best example this year of a stomping club anthem, I'd love to see this fly u-u-u-u-u-u-up the UK charts. I'm loving the simplicity of the staging, too.
Hook: "We're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up".

18. Turkey
Can Bonomo
"Love Me Back".
A sea shanty stretched out far beyond its welcome, this is simply awful. But still not as bad as Montenegro's Euro Neuro. "Like me like I like you and say na na na na ne na ne na." Poetry.
Hook: "Come up to my ship, baby, I'll make you fly."

19. Spain
Pastora Soler
"Quédate Conmigo (Stay With Me)".
Arguably the biggest of this year's big ballads, Soler sings her heart out with a song that's full of drama and big notes and a chorus even an Anglophone can sing along to.
Hook: "Quédate conmigo, quédate conmigo".

20. Germany
Roman Lob
"Standing Still".
One of the stronger slow tracks, it begins as a mid-tempo piano ballad that builds nicely with a slight rock edge. Definitely one of this year's more credible tracks, and was co-written by the UK's own Jamie Cullum.
Hook: "I'm standing still, I'm standing still as you leave me now".

21. Malta
Kurt Calleja
"This Is The Night".
Starting off promising, this has some nice chords, a decent pop production, and then builds effectively to a hugely disappointing chorus.
Hook: "Hey-ey-ey-ey-e-yay".

22. FYR Macedonia
Kaliopi
"Crno I Belo".
Starting as a female-led piano ballads, it takes a sudden diversion and rocks out in the second half. It comes out of nowhere and disappears just as suddenly, but gives the song a distinctive sound.
Hook: "Crno i belo e se".

23. Ireland
Jedward
"Waterline"
They're back. Let's face it, last year's Irish entry, "Lipstick" was pure genius. 5 seconds in, it was stuck in your head. This is a far more generic pop-rock song and its lack of gimmicks make it much less memorable. But it's Jedward, so they will find some way to stick in people's minds, as the song surely won't.
Hook: "I am close to the waterline".

24. Serbia
Zeljko Joksimovic
"Nije Ljubav Stvar".
With a melody that reminds me of Coldplay's "Paradise" at times, this male-fronted piano ballad is full of Eastern promise, featuring a string-laden, thumping production that builds effectively.
Hook: It doesn't really have one, but very few of the ballads are led by a male vocal.

25. Ukraine
Gaitana
"Be My Guest".
Gaitana's vocals are very reminiscent of Anastacia's, and the song is all fun, positivity and P.A.R.T.Y. It's a cheesy singalong Anthem with a capital A.
Hook: "You can be my guest".

26. Moldova
Pasha Parfeny
"Lăutar".
An odd title for a song in English (it's a type of musician) this is one of those Eurovision songs that would never ever chart in the UK, yet would get votes from UK audience for its novelty factor. Whilst it doesn't even make my top 30 it does have a certain inexplicable appeal.
Hook: "This trumpet makes you mine, girl".

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Semifinal 2

Thursday, May 24, BBC3, 8pm

Tonight sees the second of two Eurovision semifinals. 10 songs will go through to Saturday's final, 8 end here.
The UK get to vote in this one, so here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to which song is which.

[10pm: Updated with results]

1. Serbia
Zeljko Joksimovic
"Nije Ljubav Stvar".
With a melody that reminds me of Coldplay's "Paradise" at times, this male-fronted piano ballad is full of Eastern promise, featuring a string-laden, thumping production that builds effectively.
Hook: It doesn't really have one, but very few of the ballads are led by a male vocal.
RESULT: Through. Expected.

2. FYR Macedonia
Kaliopi
"Crno I Belo".
Starting as a female-led piano ballads, it takes a sudden diversion and rocks out in the second half. It comes out of nowhere and disappears just as suddenly, but gives the song a distinctive sound.
Hook: "Crno i belo e se".
RESULT: Through. Not what I was expecting.

3. Netherlands
Joan Franka
"You And Me".
A folksy, acoustic song with a light country vibe, it has oodles of charm and I defy you to listen without swaying or rocking your shoulders. However, it also comes with a female singer ill-advisedly wearing a Native American headdress. Think Cher singing "Half Breed".
Hook: "It's you... and me... and everybody out there".
RESULT: Out. A pity.

4. Malta
Kurt Calleja
"This Is The Night".
Starting off promising, this has some nice chords, a decent pop production, and then builds effectively to a hugely disappointing chorus.
Hook: "Hey-ey-ey-ey-e-yay".
RESULT: Through. I'm happy.

5. Belarus
Litesound
"We Are The Heroes".
Beginning with a ballad fake-out, this soon turns into a pop-dance floor filler with a rousing, singalong chorus. I recommend hunting down the original, rockier mix that was far superior, but it's a pretty decent song.
Hook: "We are the wieners, we are the heroes". I assume they mean "winners".
RESULT: Out. Should have stuck with the rock mix.

6. Portugal
Filipa Sousa
"Vida Minha".
A rather anonymous ballad with an Eastern vibe, it is not especially memorable nor unpleasant.
Hook: It doesn't really have one. It has mandolins, if that helps.
RESULT: Out.

7. Ukraine
Gaitana
"Be My Guest".
Gaitana's vocals are very reminiscent of Anastacia's, and the song is all fun, positivity and P.A.R.T.Y. It's a cheesy singalong Anthem with a capital A.
Hook: "You can be my guest".
RESULT: Through. Hooray!

8. Bulgaria
Sofi Marinova
"Love Unlimited"
Featuring the kind of production that was in vogue at the turn of the millennium, this dance track might sound great in a club, and is certainly one of the more contemporary-sounding songs that wouldn't sound out of place in the charts. Think Inna's "Hot". Unfortunately, Sofi performs it like it's a ballad, so I'm hoping they drag out some dancers.
Hook: "Dor-em-dem-dem-day".
RESULT: Out.

9. Slovenia
Eva Boto
"Verjamem".
A female-vocal ballad, and this one builds and builds. Throwing in harps, flutes, a military beat, and some VERY big notes, it ends just as you feel it's starting to go somewhere. But despite being the youngest competitor, Eva has a very strong voice and great stage presence.
Hook: "Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah..."
RESULT: Out. Quite gutted, actually.

10. Croatia
Nina Badric
"Nebo"
In a year of many ballads, good and bad, this falls somewhere in the middle. Beginning with a weak, sparse intro, it soon builds and builds to hugely rousing, choral climax.
Hook: Its bell chimes in the chorus.
RESULT: Out.

11. Sweden
Loreen
"Euphoria".
Now we're talking. With David Guetta consistently riding high in the UK singles chart, why this hasn't been picked up by radio and become a monster hit in the UK already mystifies me. Easily the best entry this year, this could potentially give Eurovision music some much-needed credibility with British music buyers. The best example this year of a stomping club anthem, I'd love to see this fly u-u-u-u-u-u-up the UK charts. I'm loving the simplicity of the staging, too.
Hook: "We're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up".
RESULT: Through. A no-brainer.

12. Georgia
Anri Jokhadze
"I'm A Joker"
Deep sigh. Here we go. It's one of THOSE Eurovision songs that drags the contest into disrepute and deserves disappear into the anus of forgotten entries. Little more than a list of dreadfully tenuous rhymes with "joker", he's clearly having a ball at a party I can't wait to leave.
Hook: The title says it all.
RESULT: Out. Good.

13. Turkey
Can Bonomo
"Love Me Back".
A sea shanty stretched out far beyond its welcome, this is simply awful. But still not as bad as Montenegro's Euro Neuro. "Like me like I like you and say na na na na ne na ne na." Poetry.
Hook: "Come up to my ship, baby, I'll make you fly."
RESULT: Through. Expected, unfortunately.

14. Estonia
Ott Lepland
"Kuula"
A full-on piano ballad, but with a male vocal. It's on the stronger end of the scale than most of its ballad competitors.
Hook: The title, really.
RESULT: Through. Very good news.

15. Slovakia
Max Jason Mai
"Don't Close Your Eyes".
Eurovision goes Emo! Sounding like across between 30 Seconds to Mars and Panic at the Disco, the song has a rather melodic chorus, wrapped up in heavy guitars and wailing vocals. I have mixed feelings about it.
Hook: "Don't close your eyes and pray all the night". And lots of screaming.
RESULT: Out.

16. Norway
Tooji
"Stay".
Bits of this song are ace, in particular the bridge and the first half of the chorus, but the very irritating production throws in these horrid buzzes and alarm-like synth noises that stop me from loving this as much as I otherwise might. But Tooji owns that stage much like Sweden's Eric Saade did last year.
Hook: "I don't know what I'm doing tonight, but this rush is making me stronger".
RESULT: Through. Yay!

17. Bosnia & Herzegovina
Maya Sar
"Korake Ti Znam".
One of the more forgettable female ballads. I'd elaborate, but there is little distinctive about it. It has some Celtic pan pipes towards the end, if that helps.
Hook: It doesn't have one.
RESULT: Through. No mean feat in amongst all the other ballads tonight.

18. Lithuania
Donny Montell
"Love Is Blind".
A bit of a mess, to put it mildly. Jumping around in style, from ballad to poor '90s disco production and back again, you can't help but feel there's a song in there somewhere trying to get out, but failing. By no means terrible, but I don't know what Lithuania were thinking entering this. The blindfold is in particularly bad taste.
Hook: "Love is blind, it's true".
RESULT: Through. A big surprise.