Eurovision 2013 - Grand Final - Preview

Saturday, May 16, 2013 BBC1HD 8pm

It's the grand final! Here's my guide to this year's songs and performances.

1. France - Amandine Bourgeois - L'Enfer Et Moi

The first of the six direct qualifiers, France love to enter something a bit different, and have done so again this year. The French answer to Courtney Love struts around the stage with hot mess fierceness, beginning sultry and sexy before bellowing her way through the climatic finale. Listen out for the bits in the final minute where it sounds like she's singing "wanker".

Memorable bit- The Courtney Love lookalike.

2. Lithuania - Andrius Pojavis - Something 

A surprise qualifier from the first semifinal, this mid-tempo pop/rock track doesn't do anything wrong, nor anything right. The lyrics have clearly been lost in translation, what with his referencing the names of his shoes.

Memorable bit- erm...

3. Moldova - Aliona Moon - O Mie

A sweet ballad that is more memorable for the staging than the song itself, though they both build and build dramatically. Aliona's dress is illuminated, then lifts her up. A visual treat.

Memorable bit- The tall dress.

4. Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Typical Eurovision. A fun, trashy, singalong song sung by a girl in a wedding dress. Nice twist at the end too. If they allow it, that is. I could swear she sings "I'd do it for, I'd f*** you, I'd f*** you..."

Memorable bit- Ding dong!

5. Spain - ESDM - Contigo Hasta El Final

The next song to qualify without the semi-final is from Spain. And there's no other way it would have made it here. Insipid to the extreme, it can't decide whether it wants to be a ballad, or something up-tempo and ends up falling somewhere in between. That said, it's far from terrible, and not without a certain charm. But for a song CONTEST? Really?

Memorable bit- The girl looks like Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles.

6. Belgium - Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills

One of my favourite songs this year, it's a nicely-produced pop track that gradually builds in energy. Unfortunately, it's always lacking something in the live performance. Roberto is still a teenager, and he can come across a bit deer-in-headlights, but hopefully the backing singers can carry him through.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Love kills, over and over".

7. Estonia - Birgit Oigemeel - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Now that a lot of the female ballads have fallen at the semis, this one has a far better chance of standing out. Sung by a pretty brunette in a white maternity dress, it has a strong melody, but is lacking a memorable hook for the uninitiated.

Memorable bit- The pregnant girl.

8. Belarus - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

Another strong contender from the CD, this one was a bit of a disappointment in the semis. Exiting from a glitter ball, Alyona struggled for breath during this catchy, ethnic pop number. It may have an eye-catching dance routine, but the live vocals left a lot to be desired. Hopefully, she ups her game for the final.

Memorable bit- Cha cha!

9. Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow

Gianluca's cute song about Jeremy in I.T. is proving to be infectious, winning over new fans all of the time, and could be a dark horse to keep an eye on. The equally fun lyric video appears on the screen behind him, as he grins his way through his performance. You can't help but enjoy it every bit as much as he clearly does.

Memorable bit- The smiley ukulele one.

10. Russia - Dina Garipova - What If

Coming across as quite cloying in the run-up to this contest, Dina's semi-final performance raised her (already strong) chances. Dressed like Dana circa 1970, she certainly puts as much sincerity into this pro-peace ballad as she can muster.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "What if we all open our arms".

11. Germany - Cascada - Glorious

The third automatic qualifier is from worldwide chart toppers Cascada, who gave us "Everytime We Touch" and "Evacuate The Dancefloor". This song is very much in their usual vein of dance-pop, and deserves to be a huge chart smash afterwards. I'm looking forward to seeing if singer Natalie can pull off the big vocals live, not to mention dancing in her tight-fitting ballgown.

Memorable bit- It's Cascada, FFS.

12. Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet

The rockiest song left in the competition, this is the one that's become known as "the Tommy Iommi one", having been written by the Black Sabbath founder. Unfortunately, the songs is a bit insipid, and the lyrics are clichéd, though singer Gor tends to perform it better live than he did in the studio.

Memorable bit- It's the Tommy Iommi one.

13. Netherlands - Anouk - Birds

An utterly depressing dirge that other Eurovision fans are inexplicably falling over themselves to laud. One to watch, certainly. Preferably on mute. Apparently, birds don't fly, they fall down rooftops. News to me.

Memorable bit- The dirgey one with the stupid lyrics.

14. Romania - Cezar - It's My Life

The water-cooler "laugh AT" moment has arrived. Mezzo soprano Cezar begins the song uncomfortably low, before suddenly changing octaves- twice- in one note. And then stays up there. To a dance beat. In a dress. And no, he's not joking.

Memorable bit- The male soprano.

15. United Kingdom - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me

Automatic qualifier #4 is Wales's very own Bonnie. I always find it difficult to be objective about UK entries, but this is hands-down our best entry for over a decade. The simple country ballad from our internationally-beloved superstar isn't getting as much support as I'd like to see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even if we do come just before the host country. I'm just hoping that people aren't too busy recovering from Romania to not pay attention to this one.

Memorable bit- It's Bonnie Tyler!!!!

16. Sweden - Robin Stjernberg - You

Automatic qualifier #5. Starting off as a semi-acoustic ballad, it soon builds and explodes into an up-tempo wail-fest. It is, however, about as catchy as you can get, and it'll live or die by how well Robin handles those (very) big notes.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "It's all because of you-ou-ou-ou-ou..."

17. Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem

A rather charming, semi-acoustic ditty, featuring some of the most bizarre lyrics this (or any) year. Alex has a habit of looking a bit uninterested, so hopefully he can raise his game for the grand finale. But the song is a real grower, and quite strong for one that never changes gear.

Memorable bit- The guy with the beanie, glasses and beard.

18. Denmark - Emmelie De Forest - Only Teardrops

The favourite to win, it's a Celtic-inspired up-tempo peace anthem featuring lots of drums and tin-whistles. It has a bad habit of stopping just as it gets going, but once it does get going, it's pretty irresistible. Emmelie works the camera well, and goes all Sandie Shaw on us with bare feet.

Memorable bit- The favourite.

19. Iceland - Eythor Ingi Gunnlaugsson - Ég Á Líf

A Celtic-inspired ballad that sounds like a winning Irish entry from the 1990s, it's performed well by the former Jesus Christ Superstar.

Memorable moment- Egg or leaf?

20. Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Farid begins his big, belting ballad atop a glass box that contains a male dancer who mimics his actions in silhouette. It's quite an effective trick that'll keep the performance in your head, even if the song doesn't.

Memorable bit- The glass box.

21. Greece - Koza Mostra & Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

I'm expecting big points from the UK for this one, as the singalong chorus (the only bit in English) is destined to become a British anthem. Kicking things off in an unmistakably Greek fashion, it soon changes gear into a ska vibe. The song, to me, is a piece of crap, but credit where it's due, the performance is fantastically energetic.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free".

22. Ukraine - Zlata Ognevitch - Gravity

Carried on-stage by a real-life giant, Zlata is placed upon a podium in a figure-hugging dress that makes her look a bit like Nigella Lawson dressed as a mermaid. The song is an epic, over-produced power ballad, featuring the most phenomenal vocals of the evening.

Memorable bit- Nigella Lawson, the mermaid.

23. Italy - Marco Mengoni - L'Essenziale

The final automatic qualifier is going to be something of an interesting one to watch. In rehearsals, he's been merely going through the motions, but I'm reliably informed that on the night he is going to own that camera, with his doey-eyed smoulder. The song itself, a relatively simple piano-led ballad, struggles to stay in your mind, but certainly cries of credibility.

Memorable bit- That smoulder.

24. Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

With its in-your-face electronic production, this is a song that can grab your attention on its own. Which is just as well, as Margaret does very little to sell it to you with the simple staging and almost non-existent choreography.

Memorable bit- Blonde, white dress, ponytail.

25. Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

Your textbook Eurovision ballad duet. Cue flawless melodies, vocals, pyrotechnics and dreamy lyrics. It's completely cheesy, and for many, it'll be eye-rollingly mechanical, but it definitely ticks all of my boxes. Just hope they don't go slightly off-key at the end like they did in the semis.

Memorable bit- The ballad with the pyro waterfall at the key change.

26. Ireland - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

A massive poppy dance anthem with some easy-to-singalong moments, and if Ryan performs half as well as he did in his semi, this could be huge.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "be love" over and over. With shirtless, drumming, tattooed male dancers.