American Idol 2011 - Top 3 - Choices

So we're down to the top 3. It's between the country girl, the country boy and the shit one. I mean, jazzy, growly whatever girl.

Guest mentor this week is Beyoncé. If my new single was as hideously shite as hers, I'd do what I could to boost my profile too.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' choice.

1. Scotty - Amazed (Lonestar).
This was my little sister's wedding song, you know. No pressure, then. Fortunately, it's right up Scotty's very limited little alley. Unfortunately he's gone from charming, bland, inoffensive country boy to smug fucking twat in an impressively short time.
If you had the TV on mute, you'd swear from the self-satisfied look on his smug little face that he'd just given the vocal equivalent of MJ's first moonwalk. Unfortunately it was remarkably unremarkable, proving he's pretty much got this far by default. I haven't heard the Randy-produced version of this song by Boyz II Men, but I really REALLY don't want to.

2. Lauren - Wild One (Faith Hill).
Speaking of default, Lauren is my favourite left in the competition for simply not being Scotty or Haley. Despite Beyoncé's protestations to the contrary, Lauren's rehearsal of this song clearly had no appeal to Beyoncé whatsoever... she's not that good an actress, whatever Ryan Seacrest says. I did believe that Beyoncé liked Lauren herself though (see the first sentence of this paragraph for details.)
As for the performance, Lauren pretty much slept through it, performing it with such effortlessness that it looked like she couldn't be that bothered. But the vocals were strong and she wasn't a smug fucking twat.

3. Haley - What Is And What Should Never Be (Led Zeppelin).
Hats off to Beyoncé for describing Haley's song choice as one not "everyone knows" (I certainly didn't, and won't be hunting it down, either). But several hats off to Haley. One for attempting to throw some credibility into the mix (not that that's ever meant anything to me, either). Hat number two for undermining said credibility by shamelessly playing the heartstrings card from the bottom of the deck and getting "Daddy" to "rip pretty good" on stage with her. Then two more hats for telling Beyoncé she "grew up listening to" her; Hat number three, because she'd just told Beyoncé thirty seconds earlier that she'd been raised on classic rock, and hat number four for basically saying to Beyoncé what translates as "bitch, you old".
She sang and growled a little, screeched and trilled a lot, and stomped around the stage like she's left the coat hanger in her top, before tripping over and chuckling about it. I'll take a fifth hat off for that.

The judges all agree round one went to Haley. I have to agree, but for completely different reasons.

ROUND TWO: Jimmy Iovine's choices.

1. Scotty - Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not? (Thompson Square).
It's a definite "not", Scotty.
We get to see Scotty's audition again when he sang THAT damn song about locking doors and turning lights down low for the first of many many MANY times. He tells us he's 16, the caption tells us he's 17. Given he's obviously a redneck Republican, I know whose maths I'll be trusting. But Steven Tyler manages to upstage all of it with his "fuck a duck" comment. Scotty clearly isn't impressed, but needs those yeses so grins and bears it.
For the performance, he radically mixes things up (by Scotty standards) by eschewing the wonky mic in favour of a wonky guitar, whilst adopting his now familiar "pinching one out" stance. Iovine picked a nicely uplifting, melodic track- a rarity for Scotty. More familiar, though, is his competently bland performance, and my lack of caring.

2. Lauren - If I Die Young (The Band Perry).
First, we discover Lauren has ripped her tights during the break. Let's be honest, it's things like this that are the real reason she's made it this far over the likes of Pia and James.
Then her memorable, hugely charismatic Amazing Technicolor audition, which ends in her duetting with Steven Tyler on probably the one Aerosmith song he didn't write. Bless.
Jimmy's choice was indeed a perfect match for Lauren's voice, but did lean a little too much on the bland side for a competitive performance. There were a couple of vocal cracks, but nothing Haley doesn't do EVERY time, and it actually added to the emotion of it. Most importantly, she's not Scotty or Haley.

3. Haley - Rhiannon (Fleetwood Mac).
Haley's audition was nicely bitter, given it wasn't her first for the show. Now she has a bona fide rocker on the panel to support her, and gets through giving an oddly familiar shouty, growly, performance. My, how she's grown.
Fleetwood Mac. They're so hot right now. For real- thanks to Glee's Rumours episode, they are. (Check out the iTunes chart right now if you don't believe me.)
Anyone who's ever doubted Stevie Nicks's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Haley's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either.

Round two to Lauren because she isn't Haley or Scotty. The judges go for Scotty.

Is nobody really going to acknowledge Neil Sedaka next to Jimmy? Ah, there you go... Random.

Cue Beyoncé's Run The World (Girls) video. Wow, that is one shocking... for want of a better word, song. Thankfully they turn it off a couple of minutes in.

ROUND THREE: Judges' choices.

1. Scotty - She Believes (In Me) (Kenny Rogers, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
Anyone who's ever doubted Ronan Keating's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Scotty's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either. God bless copy & paste.
But seriously, Yawnsville, Tenessee. And that was supposedly Scotty "hitting a big chorus" and "stretching himself".

2. Lauren - I Hope You Dance (LeAnn Womack, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
(What was I just saying about copy & paste?)
Even when you stick Lauren in a dress and give her a worthy song, she still shines in a cutesy Lauren kind of way. I do actually know the LeAnn Womack version, and she did it justice. More so than Ronan did. Fo sho.

3. Haley - You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette). Ronan hasn't covered this one yet, as far as I know.
I'm sure I wasn't the only one hoping she'd do THAT line with THAT word, but I'm typing this in advance with the certainty that she didn't. So much for edge and credibility.
But objectively, that was a complete car crash. She struggled hideously on the lower register, and fumbled the words. Loved how the judges kept mentioning the choruses, in the clear knowledge that the rest was insufferable. Oh, go on then... (paste) Anyone who's ever doubted Alanis Morissette's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over... Oh, you get the point.

Round three to Lauren. Judges agree, mostly.

RESULTS SHOW.

Thanks to lots of twee homecoming VTs, we learned the following:
Haley didn't realise a giant American Idol limo was for her. And I missed Haley Reinhart Day before I even had a chance to buy a card.
Scotty eats donuts with his mouth open, and says "Oh my God" when properly surprised, as opposed to his usual "Oh my gosh".
Lauren might actually be more country than Scotty. Lauren Alaina Day is the same day as Haley Reinhart Day, that must be embarrassing. And Lauren cries at the sight of her hometown's devastation by storm damage. Who'd've thought? Shame the voting lines are closed, this disaster porn is voter gold. Her home crowd was hands-down the biggest of the three.

We were also treated to performances by Il Volo- a Latin operatic version of the Jonas Brothers who clearly won't sell as many posters- and Nicole Scherzinger featuring 50 Cent, performing an oddly rubbish but catchy song.

Results are in, Haley's out. Phew. Fair play, she was gracious in defeat. Sympathy dwindled once she started singing though, especially since chose BENNIE AND THE MOTHERFUCKING JETS. I swear she reads this blog and just wanted to piss me off one last time.

So it's an all-country final. There goes the international career, then.

American Idol 2011 - Top 4 - Inspiration / Lieber & Stoller

1. James - Don't Stop Believing (Journey)
An oddly copycat performance. He had nothing else to add, neither do I.

2. Haley - Earth Song (Michael Jackson)
As usual, she showed both her strengths (nice, soft start) and weaknesses (horrid growly end). I can't say I felt any emotion from her performance.

3. Scotty - Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning? (Alan Jackson)
As I said last week, old Scotty's back and more's the pity. Wow, that song is one mawkish piece of sentimental jingoistic crap that made Earth Song look subtle.

4. Lauren - Anyway (Martina McBride)
Very well sung, though again I didn't really get the emotion.

Round 1 to Lauren.

5. Haley - I (Who Have Nothing) (Shirley Bassey)
After Jordin Sparks won the competition a month before the final with this song, it's a wise choice. But then it's not wise to try to outdo someone else's moment. Gaga's idea to drama it up amused me too, especially as Haley interpreted this as meaning to shout and growl louder whilst waving your arms. No, Randy, she did not have a "moment".

6. Scotty - Youngblood (Coasters)
And now Gaga's trying to take the Scotty out of Scotty. Fair play. Boring song, but a weird stalky psychotic performance. Randy's right that we've seen both sides of Scotty tonight. Both. As in all. Meaning two. Spot on.

7. Lauren - Trouble (Elvis Presley)
"Evil isn't that bad a word, is it?" Lady Gaga wisdom, there. But it worked- Lauren totally got into character, and nailed the swagger. Then it went all up-tempo gospel-style and sounded absolutely horrid. Hmph.

8. James - Love Potion #9 (Coasters)
Just like old Scotty, old James is back. Confident and screechy, competent and... whatever.

Round 2 to... Oh, whoever. I honestly don't care anymore. Anyone but Haley.

Results Show
Scotty & James - Start A Band
Obviously, they must cow-tow to Mr All American so the duet is a country song. No offence, James, I'm sure. The song only came alive when James joined in anyway, so maybe they did him a favour after all.

Haley & Lauren - Gunpowder & Lead
Second duet and oh, it's country again. Maybe they've started to realise who their audience REALLY is. Or maybe I am. The girls' voices blended very nicely, actually, though my toes kept curling when Haley sung her solo spots.

Comedy VT time, and it's Skype calls home. LOVED how Lauren's accent was suddenly turned up to 111. Adorable. Saying that to vote for her will mean she can visit them next week isn't really wise, since they'll see more of her if they don't. Nothing really of note with the others, though I didn't realise James had a kid. And I really hate Scotty now. Like, proper want-to-punch-his-face-in-and-kill-his-first-born hate.

"First through... is the pride of..."
Oh for fuck's sake, it's Scotty isn't it?
"...(insert place name)... Lauren!"
Tidy!

Lady Gaga performs (via VT) a slightly more decent version of the boring song Haley premiered a week or so ago, You And I. Better heard and not seen, for sure. There's showmanship, there's controversy, and there's just out-and-out WTF? Thanks, but not for me.

Speaking of VT, Usher stays home and leaves Enrique Iglesias to do all the work on their duet, Dirty Dancer. By the first chorus he gives up and does I Like It instead. No Pitbull VT though. I swear I heard autotune in there too.

Jordin Sparks returns with a song that falls somewhere between Beyonce and Nelly. Meanwhile, she proves that dancing is not her strong suit. Best stick to the power ballads, then. And if she was singing live, I'm a heterosexual.

Back to the VT performances, this time it's judge Steven Tyler's new single "Feels So Good" (I'm guessing). Disappointed he didn't show his judge credentials by performing live. Even JLo managed that.

Oh, bollocks. Haley is through. So it's Mr Tourette's Vs Jesus Boy. No brainer, bye bye James. At least it got JLo crying. But I am getting very worried about the demographics watching and voting on Idol in the States.

He says goodbye with a rather emotional version of Maybe I'm Amazed. An occasionally pitchy, screechy version, but an emotional one.

American Idol 2011 - Top 5 - Old & New

1. James - Closer to the Edge (30 Seconds to Mars)
The rehearsal duet with Sheryl Crow sounded amazing. The actual performance was far from it. Concentrating more on pleasing the crowd than on his vocals meant it didn't sound great.

2. Jacob - No Air (Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown)
The rehearsal sounded terrible, way too above his key. The actual performance was even worse. Pitchy screaming and "oh yeah"s does not the singing of a chorus make. Granted, most big stars these days do leave the singing of melodies to the backing vocalists, but it makes them look shite too. Truly dreadful.

3. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood)
First up, congrats to Lauren for avoiding being impaled by that over-enthusiastic violinist's bow. The song was a bit big and wordy for this kind of show, in an "Any Man of Mine" kind of way, but she pulled it off.

4. Scotty - Gone (Montgomery Gentry)
How my heart sinks every I have to type that bloody "y" on Scotty's name. But fair dues, he did a great job. He's massively improving his stage presence and the vocals were impressive too.

5. Haley - You and I (Lady Gaga)
Definitely a song suited to Haley's bluesy gravelly voice, and she did a decent job. But... it was incredibly boring.

6. James - Without You (Nilsson)
Aww he cried and couldn't rehearse. Then cried again on stage, where he appeared to be wearing pyjamas. I can't say I felt it, and the vocals were (understandably) a bit messy, but it was nicely controlled.

7. Jacob - Love Hurts (Nazareth)
It started off stunning. Stripped and subtle. Then he got into it, kicking it up a gear, and the results were... mixed. It would have been braver to continue as he began, but I can't say what he did was by any means terrible. But I wasn't hugely excited either.

8. Lauren - Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)
Well, it had to appear at some point. I think it's in the constitution. She did a good job, but clearly got so caught up in her ad libs she missed the opportunity for THAT note. Bits of it were great, most of it was... meh.

9. Scotty - Always on My Mind (Elvis Presley)
Secretly gutted he didn't do the full-on Pet Shop Boys disco version, it was, you know, very nice and all that. Old Scotty's back. (That's not a good thing.)

10. Haley - House of the Rising Sun (The Animals)
SHOUT! Grrrrrowl. SHOUT! Grrrrowl. Trill, screech... Enough already. Go the fuck HOME! A standing O from the judges. Pur-lease.

Best tonight: Scotty & Lauren
Worst tonight: Jacob & Haley

RESULTS SHOW

We kick things off (after some shameless plugging from the judges) with a tuneless rendition of Happy Together from all five remaining contestants that made me question if this is the worst final five ever...? I remember last year's being pretty hideous, but I don't think anyone left is anywhere near as bad as last year's winner, Lee Dewyze.

Idol meets Hell's Kitchen as the contestants cook for Gordon Ramsay. Lauren walked it. Jacob second. Here's hoping...

Lady Antebellum perform Just A Kiss. I couldn't help but think if America had an equivalent of Eurovision, this is what it would be like. Which from me is kind of a compliment.

Next up, another one of their amusing voxpop VT (that stands for Video Tape) thingies where they discuss song choices and clothing. Well, except for the amusing part.

I have to admit that I've quite liked Jimmy Iovine's mentoring this year, and it's interesting to finally hear his feedback of the actual performances before the results. I couldn't disagree with his comments on James and Lauren, though I think Lauren's Unchained Melody big-note cop-out wasn't bad enough to earn a bottom-two place.

Hell's Kitchen part 2 sees Lauren & Jacob head to head in a taste test. Lauren wins because Jacob thinks a hot dog is a sausage. Which it fucking IS.

J-Lo then performs her admittedly massive (though shit) single, On The Floor, and does a disappointingly great job. Hmph. Smashing glass, bare chested men, live vocals, energetic choreography... Damn her, I was really looking forward to slagging it off. Still a shit song though. The new single, I'm Into You, sounds a bit better. And has a bare-chested William Levy in the video whilst she writhes on a beach. Fair play, girl knows her audience.

Jacob gets a well-deserved kicking from Jimmy's critique, whilst Haley gets a disappointing thumbs-up. I can't disagree too much with his critique, though no way did she deserve a "10". Scotty gets another thumbs-up, and a prediction of a big career. In the US, for sure. Outside, no chance.

So the bottom two are revealed to be Lauren & Jacob. Hell's Kitchen proving oddly prophetic, there... Fortunately, Jacob loses again. He then treats us to a rather hideously screechy "A House Is Not A Home Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Oh Yeah". Another early favourite of mine gets another very welcome goodbye.

American Idol 2011 - Top 6 - Carole King

American Idol 2011 - Top 7 - Songs from 21st Century

Ensemble - So What? (P!nk)
Remember how awesome it was when we FINALLY got rid of Paul last week? Guess who's back, along with the other rejects from this season? Whatever Steve Tyler says, they only proved why they've already gone. No more no less. Now please, no more.

1. Scotty - Swingin' (LeAnn Rimes).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique mic technique (flute comparisons not inaccurate), he then uses said technique strutting around the stage, around the judges, doing his thing the way he does his thing. At least it was up-tempo and quite different from his usual stool performance. So, obviously, the judges pick THIS week to criticise him for being samey. A bit late, but nice of you to join us.

2. James - Uprising (Muse).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique dress sense, he gives a pretty impressive performance of a damn difficult song. Not a fan of the extra falsetto chorus, but apparently it was a dare from Muse themselves. You know, Muse, the arty, credible band who aren't at all sell-outs. Nope. Not at all.

3. Haley - Rolling In The Deep (Adele).
After getting an amusing critique over her growl and attitude, she appears on a stool in a polka dot gingham dress to sing a song about anger and rejection. That aside, she has never sounded better and whilst she clearly didn't get what she was singing, sounded amazing. (Mostly.)

4. Jacob - Dance With My Father (Luther Vandross).
After getting an amusing critique over his diva antics, we see him rehearsing in tears. As for the live performance, something went wrong at the beginning, but he recovered well and made it through by obviously disconnecting a little, which was understandable. Not a fan of his wailing at the end, but this is one of his strongest for weeks.

5. Casey - Harder to Breathe (Maroon 5).
After getting an amusing critique over the fact that he's batshit crazy, he goes on to make a rather good job of a very wordy song without gasping for air. I actually liked the cheesy choreography and thought it was without doubt his best performance. Not sure about him raping J-Lo's cheek though. Cue Ryan entering stage with a fake Amish beard. So THAT's what Ryan Seacrest would look like with testosterone.

6. Stefano - Closer (Ne-Yo).
After getting an amusing critique over his flirty confidence, Jimmy Iovine struggles again - in vain, again - to get the Stefano out of Stefano. Cue him strutting again, grabbing girls' hands, caterwauling and some embarrassing attempts at sexy dancing. Surprise surprise he's more in love with himself than the song - again, but at least he let the song have a shot at the beginning, before putting the Stefano into it. The vocals were alright. Up until then, anyway.

7. Lauren - Born to Fly (Sara Evans). Nope, me neither.
After getting an amusing critique over her accent (RACISTS!) Lauren does a decent job of an up-tempo country song. Can't really say any more or less than that. She gives each song its proper dues, the anti-Stefano if you will, but is in danger of falling behind in the process.

Wow, good week this week. Nobody was terrible, which is a first. Not counting Paul's cameo, of course.

My top 3: Casey, Jacob and James.

My bottom 3: Stefano. That is all. (But I wouldn't miss Scotty or Haley.)

Results Show
Jacob, Haley, Lauren and Stefano embark on a surprisingly decent version of Hey Soul Sister. Not much else to report.
We then get James, Scotty and Casey performing an initially painful rendition of Viva La Vida, but improves as they ease in.
Casey's safe, Jacob's not.

Former winner David Cook sings his new single. Everyone else pretends to care. I'm sure it'll change the world. Fo sho.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) where the contestants watch a game of rounders, go bowling and get pampered. I notice Scotty's wearing a "Trojan Men" t-shirt. Is the good Christian boy being sponsored by a condom company?

Stefano isn't safe, Lauren and James are. Scotty is safe, so Haley isn't. And then is. So the bottom two is now Stefano and Jacob.

Katy Perry appears upside down to perform ET with Kanye West, half of whose performance was videotaped. Disappointed that Taylor Swift didn't invade the stage though. Quite a spectacular performance, to be fair, even if Katy's voice is far from flawless live.

Stefano's out. Jimmy Iovine may not have managed to get the Stefano out of Stefano's performances, but the American public have managed to take the Stefano out of American Idol. So he gives a very Stefano performance of Lately to confirm that, yep, he needs to go home.

American Idol 2011 - Top 8 - Movie Week

Great. Do we get that talentless homophobic twat Will.I.Am every week now?

1. Paul - Old Time Rock N Roll (Risky Business)
W. T. F. No. Just no. Dressed like a matador, strutting like a chicken, screeching like a chicken.

2. Lauren - The Climb (Hannah Montana)
Rather than having a better voice than Miley Cyrus, they actually sound remarkably similar on this song, and, frankly, Joe McElderry had them both beat. I can't say I felt any emotion the way the judges claimed to.

3. Stefano - End of the Road (Boomerang)
Great. The guy who oversings does a song by the group that oversings. It appears either he doesn't know the lyrics, or I never did. He's still dead behind the constipated eyes, he's still loving himself more than the song, he's still not getting it. If J-Lo thinks he's finally answered her criticism from a few weeks ago, then I take it back- she wasn't right. The point I thought she was making still stands.

4. Scotty - I Cross My Heart (Pure Country)
After surprising everybody by opting for Everybody's Talkin', he caves and goes for... shock horror... a country song. Don't know the song, don't know the film, don't care, don't care, don't care. I'm sure he'll go on to outsell Lady Gaga in the US, but nobody outside of their borders will give a shit. And this is from someone who likes Carrie Underwood.

5. Casey - Nature Boy (no fucking clue)
Obviously we'll have the double bass every week after last week's comments. Well, vocally, we're back in Teen Spirit mode, but at least that performance couldn't have been called boring. Actually worse than Paul. For real. Cue standing ovation from the judges. For real. Yeah, okay make out you didn't waste the save on Casey now that Pia's gone. I'm not buying it. "A true artist". Yes, people have said that about elephants too, you know.

6. Haley - Call Me (American Gigolo)
The most karaoke this season has been so far. At times, pretty awful. Someone's confidence is writing cheques their voice can't cash. Finally, Randy's got something right this week. "I love it when you start wailing at the end". Another backhanded compliment courtesy of J-Lo there.

7. Jacob - Bridge Over Troubled Water (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Glad he got a telling-off for his comments last week. But THAT was an emotional performance. Didn't quite give me the chills as it should have, but hands down best of the night so far.

8. James - Heavy Metal (Heavy Metal?!?)
A while ago I suggested James was becoming the rock equivalent of Scotty. This confirms it. I'm sure it was very good, but whatever.

My top 3: Jacob, Lauren (I guess) and... There isn't a third.

My bottom 3: Casey, Paul, Haley.

Results Show

Scotty and Lauren - American Honey (Lady Antebellum)
It only a matter of time before Scotty ends up singing a Taylor Swift song, isn't it? They're also doing their very best to squeeze the personality out of Lauren by sticking her with the blandest songs and the blandest performer left. Fortunately, she managed to outshine him but just being there.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) in which the contestants dress up as zombies. Alright. James Durbin looks NO different.

Haley & Casey then perform a hellish jazz duet that I just want to forget ever happened. If this is a sign of things to come, they'd better both be voted out tonight. I can'sk takes no mo'.

Scotty is safe. Pun intended. Lauren too, thankfully. Haley's in the bottom three, Casey is safe. Looks like America bought the judges' efforts then.

Rob Reiner gives the contestants some advice on acting or something. Worth it if only for him rubbing it into Casey that he's a poor man's Seth Roegen, although he apparently sees himself as Jack Black.

Kelly Clarkson duets with some country guy on some country song that's apparently a "hit". Glad to see she's holding her own against Carrie Underwood, then. The switch to country is pure coincidence. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep. LOVE her back-pedalling on last week's Casey comment. Egg on MY face.

Stefano, Paul, James and Jacob perform The Sound of Silence as a group together. Way to showcase those vocals. Then Mrs Robinson gives James and Paul their chance to "shine". Oh how I love hearing Paul's beautiful voice in isolation. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep...

James is safe, Stefano isn't. Jacob's safe, PAUL ISN'T!!!!! Woo hoo! They act like it's the first time. Where were they two weeks ago?

Rihanna performs California King in a pretty spectacular fashion. Ah, so THAT's how it's done.

Ryan points out that Haley is safe, meaning whoever leaves will be the first guy to leave the competition. I hadn't even noticed. Thankfully it's PAUL!!! A.F.T.

American Idol 2011 - Top 9 - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

Be warned. This one's particularly sweary.

1. Jacob - Man In The Mirror.
First up we get a hideously arrogant VT (that stands for Video Tape), in which he decides upon Let's Get It On before switching to this, saying if someone doesn't like his performance it's not his fault, it's because they don't like what's in the mirror. Way to get the crowd on side. As it happens, it was a very powerful, well-controlled vocal; it might even have been his best if the VT (that stands for Video Tape) hadn't put me off.

2. Haley - Piece of My Heart.
After some genuinely useful instruction from Will.I.Am (that name is such a pain in the arse to type) in which Haley is persuaded to emote, she then does exactly the same performance again; not in the slightest bit convincing. That said, it was easily her best vocal, although she overdid the gravelly thing in a way that sounded forced to me.

3. Casey - Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
Another switcheroo as Casey changes his mind from Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, to a rather bland, if competent performance. I'd hardly call his consistent use of the double bass "revolutionary", as my enjoyment switched rather rapidly to boredom. I think it's fair to say that that judges' save was wasted after all.

4. Lauren - Natural Woman.
Once again, what starts as a decent vocal turns into something rather bland and boring. A shame, since Lauren isn't. This song is usually a showstopper for good reasons, whereas this just ground everything to a halt.

And those people in the audience who keep interrupting to shout "I love you!" and other such banalities should be FUCKING SHOT. If you love them so much, listen to what they have to say, and give them their moment, don't make it about you.

5. James - While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
Whilst Pia keeps doing ballads and Scotty keeps doing (what sounds like) the same country song, James keeps doing the same rock performance. So I respect his decision to change it up with a ballad, at the risk of alienating the audience's level of excitement, as Will.I.Am feared. Frankly, the last two performers managed that already, so that so this can only shake them up. This should have been outstanding and beautiful, but only highlighted what a great voice James doesn't have, despite the histrionics at the end. However, he did achieve the sincere, emotional performance they wanted out of Haley, even if it did make for a shaky vocal.

6. Scotty - That's Alright Mama.
In Randy's critique, he suggests that this performance proved Scotty wasn't a one-trick pony, as he moved around the stage and had fun. Erm... How can I put this politely? That's fucking bollocks. Despite the up-tempo song, Scotty sat on the stairs with his trademark smug face/wonky mouth/raised mic hand combo before simply walking around the judges' table and then standing in front of them, moving as though he's having trouble pinching one out. This is a very easy song to move to, and lends itself to a great on-stage performance. This was not that performance. Turns out his previous performances must have been rather good after all.
And as for the "spontaneous" stage invasion from the teens, pur-lease. Whatevs. Ryan Seacrest's "acting" put paid to that.

7. Pia - River Deep, Mountain High.
Firstly, FUCK YOU Will.I.Am for dissing Madonna's performing abilities. Yeah, it's difficult for Madonna to scale the legendary heights reached by Fergie and Cheryl Cole. The point he was trying to make stands, however- Tina Turner is a different beast from Pia as a performer, but Pia is clearly more inspired by the Celine Dion version of the song. Sadly, she didn't manage to live up to either on the vocals (though obviously still the best heard tonight), and the stage performance part amounted to little more than Scotty's. Minus the constipation. That was no Tina, Celine, Madonna, Fergie or Cheryl on the performance level. I'm missing Naima this week.

8. Stefano - When A Man Loves A Woman.
He can sing with an impressive range, but there is nothing behind those cold, dead, pretty eyes. J-Lo's talking bollocks again, Randy's getting it; Stefano's good, but missing it. We have one David Archuleta, we don't need another one.

9. Paul - Folsom Prison Blues.
Every week, I can't help but shout "is he still here???" when his overly-smiley Bradley Cooper face pops up on-screen. Singing "I shot a man just to watch him die" with a jolly, jaunty smile on your face just doesn't work for me, even if Will.I.Am persuaded you that it would be a good idea. But, surprisingly, the vocals weren't as painful as usual. Note the "as".

Top 3: Jacob, James, Pia.

Bottom 3: Paul, Scotty, Stefano.

RESULTS SHOW

First up, a rock medley. The three girls kick things off in various keys with disastrous results. When the boys kick in it doesn't get much better. By which I mean none. By the time we get to the third track of this seamless "medley", you're just wishing it to be over.

Cue special guest Russell Brand. Many of them clearly have no idea who he is- either that, or they hate him with a vengeance. The more I see of his acting, the less I like him, so I'm glad here he's in his comfort zone, playing to his strengths, doing his schtick. This basically consists of riffing off the top of his head, talking bollocks and hoping at least some of what comes out is funny.

Kelly Clarkson has a crush on Casey, apparently. Really. I'm sure if he was shoved enthusiastically in front of her she'd totally make out with him. Totally. They'll have little goon kids and everything. Totes. Anyway, Stefano's in the bottom three.

Constantine returns to perform a very bizarre version of Unchained Melody and plug a show he's in. It's part successful re-imagining, part hideous car crash. I can't quite decide which part wins out.

Gwen Stefani (of all people) give the three rather bland girls style tips. Or not. One of the most pointless pieces of TV I've ever seen, to be frank. Gok Wan, she is not, girlfriend. It's all about the confidence. Pia is also in the bottom.

Run VT (that stands for Video Tape). A bizarre press conference rehearsal-type thingy with "news" (gossip) website TMZ. It appears some of the contestants have personalities, some don't. Go figure.

Jacob makes up the rest of the bottom three. Apparently, America dislikes its own reflection. Stefano is visibly shitting himself.

Next up, a very enthusiastically rock n roll performance from human Pepperami Iggy Pop. SOMEONE had to bring the rock n roll on rock n roll week, right? That reminds me, I need car insurance...

The results are in, Pia's going home. THIS is what the judge's save was intended to prevent. Not to save Alice the Fucking bearded Goon. On the other hand, she does make Catherine McPhee appear to have personality, so she wouldn't have been a worthy winner. But she definitely earned her place in the final against this sorry crop.