Eurovision 2013 - Grand Final - Preview

Saturday, May 16, 2013 BBC1HD 8pm

It's the grand final! Here's my guide to this year's songs and performances.

1. France - Amandine Bourgeois - L'Enfer Et Moi

The first of the six direct qualifiers, France love to enter something a bit different, and have done so again this year. The French answer to Courtney Love struts around the stage with hot mess fierceness, beginning sultry and sexy before bellowing her way through the climatic finale. Listen out for the bits in the final minute where it sounds like she's singing "wanker".

Memorable bit- The Courtney Love lookalike.

2. Lithuania - Andrius Pojavis - Something 

A surprise qualifier from the first semifinal, this mid-tempo pop/rock track doesn't do anything wrong, nor anything right. The lyrics have clearly been lost in translation, what with his referencing the names of his shoes.

Memorable bit- erm...

3. Moldova - Aliona Moon - O Mie

A sweet ballad that is more memorable for the staging than the song itself, though they both build and build dramatically. Aliona's dress is illuminated, then lifts her up. A visual treat.

Memorable bit- The tall dress.

4. Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Typical Eurovision. A fun, trashy, singalong song sung by a girl in a wedding dress. Nice twist at the end too. If they allow it, that is. I could swear she sings "I'd do it for, I'd f*** you, I'd f*** you..."

Memorable bit- Ding dong!

5. Spain - ESDM - Contigo Hasta El Final

The next song to qualify without the semi-final is from Spain. And there's no other way it would have made it here. Insipid to the extreme, it can't decide whether it wants to be a ballad, or something up-tempo and ends up falling somewhere in between. That said, it's far from terrible, and not without a certain charm. But for a song CONTEST? Really?

Memorable bit- The girl looks like Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles.

6. Belgium - Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills

One of my favourite songs this year, it's a nicely-produced pop track that gradually builds in energy. Unfortunately, it's always lacking something in the live performance. Roberto is still a teenager, and he can come across a bit deer-in-headlights, but hopefully the backing singers can carry him through.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Love kills, over and over".

7. Estonia - Birgit Oigemeel - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Now that a lot of the female ballads have fallen at the semis, this one has a far better chance of standing out. Sung by a pretty brunette in a white maternity dress, it has a strong melody, but is lacking a memorable hook for the uninitiated.

Memorable bit- The pregnant girl.

8. Belarus - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

Another strong contender from the CD, this one was a bit of a disappointment in the semis. Exiting from a glitter ball, Alyona struggled for breath during this catchy, ethnic pop number. It may have an eye-catching dance routine, but the live vocals left a lot to be desired. Hopefully, she ups her game for the final.

Memorable bit- Cha cha!

9. Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow

Gianluca's cute song about Jeremy in I.T. is proving to be infectious, winning over new fans all of the time, and could be a dark horse to keep an eye on. The equally fun lyric video appears on the screen behind him, as he grins his way through his performance. You can't help but enjoy it every bit as much as he clearly does.

Memorable bit- The smiley ukulele one.

10. Russia - Dina Garipova - What If

Coming across as quite cloying in the run-up to this contest, Dina's semi-final performance raised her (already strong) chances. Dressed like Dana circa 1970, she certainly puts as much sincerity into this pro-peace ballad as she can muster.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "What if we all open our arms".

11. Germany - Cascada - Glorious

The third automatic qualifier is from worldwide chart toppers Cascada, who gave us "Everytime We Touch" and "Evacuate The Dancefloor". This song is very much in their usual vein of dance-pop, and deserves to be a huge chart smash afterwards. I'm looking forward to seeing if singer Natalie can pull off the big vocals live, not to mention dancing in her tight-fitting ballgown.

Memorable bit- It's Cascada, FFS.

12. Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet

The rockiest song left in the competition, this is the one that's become known as "the Tommy Iommi one", having been written by the Black Sabbath founder. Unfortunately, the songs is a bit insipid, and the lyrics are clichéd, though singer Gor tends to perform it better live than he did in the studio.

Memorable bit- It's the Tommy Iommi one.

13. Netherlands - Anouk - Birds

An utterly depressing dirge that other Eurovision fans are inexplicably falling over themselves to laud. One to watch, certainly. Preferably on mute. Apparently, birds don't fly, they fall down rooftops. News to me.

Memorable bit- The dirgey one with the stupid lyrics.

14. Romania - Cezar - It's My Life

The water-cooler "laugh AT" moment has arrived. Mezzo soprano Cezar begins the song uncomfortably low, before suddenly changing octaves- twice- in one note. And then stays up there. To a dance beat. In a dress. And no, he's not joking.

Memorable bit- The male soprano.

15. United Kingdom - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me

Automatic qualifier #4 is Wales's very own Bonnie. I always find it difficult to be objective about UK entries, but this is hands-down our best entry for over a decade. The simple country ballad from our internationally-beloved superstar isn't getting as much support as I'd like to see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even if we do come just before the host country. I'm just hoping that people aren't too busy recovering from Romania to not pay attention to this one.

Memorable bit- It's Bonnie Tyler!!!!

16. Sweden - Robin Stjernberg - You

Automatic qualifier #5. Starting off as a semi-acoustic ballad, it soon builds and explodes into an up-tempo wail-fest. It is, however, about as catchy as you can get, and it'll live or die by how well Robin handles those (very) big notes.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "It's all because of you-ou-ou-ou-ou..."

17. Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem

A rather charming, semi-acoustic ditty, featuring some of the most bizarre lyrics this (or any) year. Alex has a habit of looking a bit uninterested, so hopefully he can raise his game for the grand finale. But the song is a real grower, and quite strong for one that never changes gear.

Memorable bit- The guy with the beanie, glasses and beard.

18. Denmark - Emmelie De Forest - Only Teardrops

The favourite to win, it's a Celtic-inspired up-tempo peace anthem featuring lots of drums and tin-whistles. It has a bad habit of stopping just as it gets going, but once it does get going, it's pretty irresistible. Emmelie works the camera well, and goes all Sandie Shaw on us with bare feet.

Memorable bit- The favourite.

19. Iceland - Eythor Ingi Gunnlaugsson - Ég Á Líf

A Celtic-inspired ballad that sounds like a winning Irish entry from the 1990s, it's performed well by the former Jesus Christ Superstar.

Memorable moment- Egg or leaf?

20. Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Farid begins his big, belting ballad atop a glass box that contains a male dancer who mimics his actions in silhouette. It's quite an effective trick that'll keep the performance in your head, even if the song doesn't.

Memorable bit- The glass box.

21. Greece - Koza Mostra & Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

I'm expecting big points from the UK for this one, as the singalong chorus (the only bit in English) is destined to become a British anthem. Kicking things off in an unmistakably Greek fashion, it soon changes gear into a ska vibe. The song, to me, is a piece of crap, but credit where it's due, the performance is fantastically energetic.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free".

22. Ukraine - Zlata Ognevitch - Gravity

Carried on-stage by a real-life giant, Zlata is placed upon a podium in a figure-hugging dress that makes her look a bit like Nigella Lawson dressed as a mermaid. The song is an epic, over-produced power ballad, featuring the most phenomenal vocals of the evening.

Memorable bit- Nigella Lawson, the mermaid.

23. Italy - Marco Mengoni - L'Essenziale

The final automatic qualifier is going to be something of an interesting one to watch. In rehearsals, he's been merely going through the motions, but I'm reliably informed that on the night he is going to own that camera, with his doey-eyed smoulder. The song itself, a relatively simple piano-led ballad, struggles to stay in your mind, but certainly cries of credibility.

Memorable bit- That smoulder.

24. Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

With its in-your-face electronic production, this is a song that can grab your attention on its own. Which is just as well, as Margaret does very little to sell it to you with the simple staging and almost non-existent choreography.

Memorable bit- Blonde, white dress, ponytail.

25. Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

Your textbook Eurovision ballad duet. Cue flawless melodies, vocals, pyrotechnics and dreamy lyrics. It's completely cheesy, and for many, it'll be eye-rollingly mechanical, but it definitely ticks all of my boxes. Just hope they don't go slightly off-key at the end like they did in the semis.

Memorable bit- The ballad with the pyro waterfall at the key change.

26. Ireland - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

A massive poppy dance anthem with some easy-to-singalong moments, and if Ryan performs half as well as he did in his semi, this could be huge.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "be love" over and over. With shirtless, drumming, tattooed male dancers.

Eurovision 2013 - Semi-Final 2 - Preview (Updated with Post-show reaction)

Thursday May 16th, 2013 BBC3

1. Latvia - PeR - Here We Go

A good choice of show opener, this is a lively, singalong pop/rap number with a bit of stage-diving thrown in for good measure. It'll certainly stand out, but rap will inherently alienate a large section of the audience, although nowhere near as much as Montenegro's entry did.

Memorable bit- The rap one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out.

2. San Marino - Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (Vola)

Another big fan favourite. Whilst this one isn't as lost on me as The Netherlands's dirge, I'm still at a bit of a loss at what makes this quite so wonderful. It's certainly better than her entry last year, The Social Network Song. Beginning as a nice, orchestral ballad, she and the song both transform in the final third (like a chrysalis, see what they did there?) as the energy kicks in for a rousing climax.

Memorable bit- The girl with the glowing ball.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out. A shock!

3. (FYR) Macedonia - Esma & Lozano - Pred Da Se Razdeni

It's time for the UK to laugh at the foreigners. Another song that begins as a ballad, then transforms into something more up-tempo, this one begins with more promise, but then throws it all away. It's basically two incongruous songs joined together, until they uncomfortably overlap at the end. Lozano's ballad bit is rather lovely, and his vocals are great. Then we get belly-dancing legend Esma who doesn't so much sprinkle her Eastern promise on the track, as gush it out like an incontinent granny. A train wreck.

Memorable bit- The schizophrenic one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Of course.

4. Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Azerbaijan have found a formula and are sticking to it. We have another catchy ballad, this time a solo male vocal, and some impressive staging. Farid stands atop a glass box which contains a male dancer that mimics his moves in silhouette.

Memorable bit- The man in the box.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

5. Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Eurovision at its cheesiest, a girl in a wedding dress sings a bouncy, catchy, singalong, up-tempo pop song that is going to irritate the hell out of a lot of people, but I'm more than happy to join in the fun. Plus she manages to get away with something that definitely wouldn't have been allowed a few years ago. Gotta love the Scandinavians. ;-)

Memorable bit- Ding Dong!

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through! Yay!

6. Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow

Falling somewhere between Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz, this fun, ukulele-based track is sweetness personified. Love the playful lyric video in the background too.

Memorable bit- The ukulele one.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Very happy about that!

7. Bulgaria - Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - Samo Shampioni

Irritating as hell, but you'll be singing along very quickly.

Memorable bit- Drumming. Lots of drumming.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Phew.

8. Iceland - Eythor Ingi Gunnlaugsson - Ég Á Líf

A surprisingly formulaic, drippy ballad for Iceland that sounds like you've definitely heard it before. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it makes for a very very anonymous song.

Memorable bit- Jesus Christ Superstar.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

9. Greece - Koza Mostra & Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

Deep sigh. One of those songs you only really hear at Eurovision, but to my ears that's a bad thing. I kind of get the appeal, but it's not my bag, baby. Opening with an unmistakably Greek sound, it soon veers into a vibe remisinscent of early '80s two-tone/ska. The chorus, sung in English, will surely become an anthem to UK viewers, whom I guarantee will score it well. Though not this UK viewer.

Memorable bit- The unmistakably Greek one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Hmph.

10. Israel - Moran Mazor - Rak Bashvilo

Another of the more anonymous ballads, the only distinctive thing about it is that the woman wears glasses. But it's far from a bad song, quite the contrary.

Memorable bit- The woman with the glasses.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out.

11. Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet

The song written by Black Sabbath's Tommy Iommi, is surprisingly insipid, given its rock heritage. Lead singer Gor's vocals are an odd mixture of weak and powerful, in that he has quite a range, and yet his voice is a bit feeble.

Memorable bit- The Tommy Iommi song.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. Wow.

12. Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem

Another sweet, semi-acoustic song that's a real grower. Unfortunately, this is Eurovision, so you have three minutes and that's it. Even more unfortunately, the singer has a horribly gruff voice. And as if that's not enough, he has zero stage presence too. I'm hoping that the song itself manages to shine through.

Memorable bit- The one with the cartoon background.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

13. Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

Musically, this is not a million miles away from Slovenia's entry (which failed to qualify on Tuesday), with its in-your-face buzzy, bassy electronic production. However, as a song it's far more successful, as the chorus is far more melodic and memorable. Let's just assume the weird lyrics got lost in translation.

Memorable bit- The buzzy, bassy pop number.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

14. Albania - Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko

Europe, are you ready to rock? This well-produced rock number is sung in language, and the sometimes gruff, sometimes strained vocals take some getting used to. But it has a killer chorus and catchy, jangly musical refrain. And a big guitar solo. With fireworks.

Memorable bit- The big rock number.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out.

15. Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

When it comes to typical Eurovision songs that I love, this is my bag, baby. A male/female ballad duet sang in perfect harmony with almost mechanical perfection. Includes the obligatory key change at just the right time, cue "waterfall" of fireworks- see what they did there? Gorgeous.

Memorable bit- The firework waterfall.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Hurrah!

16. Switzerland - Takasa - You And Me

Performed by The Salvation Army, or Heilsarmee as they're known in Switzerland, they were deemed to political, and forced to change their name and uniforms. Which is kind of appropriate, given that the song is a "they're all against us but we have each other and they won't get us down" theme. Given that one band member is 95 years old, it's a surprisingly rocky affair (though in a poppy way) and ridiculously catchy. On record, it's irresistible, and one of my favourites. Live... not so much.

Memorable bit- The Salvation Army.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Oh well.

17. Romania - Cezar - It's My Life

Talk about ending with a bang. Oh dear. This is a thumping dance-pop track with a very electronic production. So, naturally, they've chosen an operatic male soprano to sing it. Apparently, he's very good and is known as "The Voice". However, on this evidence, he is no Russell Watson. This song seems only to prove that he can't sing. Across three octaves. Even the sincerity of its delivery and OTT staging cannot disguise that this is a complete car crash.

Memorable bit- The male soprano.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. FFS.

Post Mortem.

So it's goodbye to Latvia, San Marino, Macedonia, Bulgaria, Israel, Albania and Switzerland.

My Most Improved Song goes to Malta. Well done, Gianluca!

I'm surprisingly disappointed for San Marino, even though I'm not a fan. She certainly sold the song way better than I expected.

Farid Mammadov's vocals for Azerbaijan were better live than on the CD! Ditto Gor for Armenia. And, to a certain extent, Cezar for Romania.

Massive props to Finland for Eurovision's first ever gay kiss! #TeamDingDong

Eythor commanded the stage well for Iceland, earning their qualification. Ditto ByeAlex for Hungary.

Even the horrid Greece song was performed fantastically well.

Armenia did well, I'm quite disappointed they missed out. Latvia, Israel and half of Macedonia can hold their heads high too.

There were a few bum notes towards the end for Georgia, bit otherwise a splendid performance. Ditto Margaret for Norway.

Bulgaria were even worse than I was expecting. Nil points. Ditto the other half of Macedonia.

Roll on Saturday! Go Bonnie!

Eurovision 2013 - Semi-Final 1 - Preview (Updated with Post-show reaction)

Tuesday, May 14. BBC3, 8pm

*updated with results*

It's Eurovision week. Semifinals on Tuesday & Thursday, then the grand final on Saturday May 18. Given that the UK automatically qualify, few UK viewers will be tuning in to BBC3 during the week, which is a shame. Many decent songs, including some of my own favourites, will inevitably fall by the wayside and not be heard on Saturday night.

This year's crop of songs is a decent bunch. Whilst it may be lacking in many truly great songs (there's no Euphoria-esque clear winner this year), it's also lacking in abominable songs too (though not completely, of course).

According to the bookies and fan sites, the songs to look out for are Denmark, Norway, San Marino, Netherlands, Ukraine and Greece. I can't say I'm hoping they're right. Three are in my top 10, three are in my bottom 10. Three of them compete tonight.

Long after the pyros, sequins and dance routines are over, every contest's legacy is its songs. I don't really care which song has originality, or is true to its representative country. I judge each and every song the way I'd judge any song- does it do anything for me? Do I press repeat, or do I press skip? Do I sing or dance along, or hit the mute button?

Of course, it's more than a song contest, it's also a TV show, and most people tune in for the spectacle. Whilst I prefer to appreciate the effort each country makes, many will sneer and poke fun. Either way, with so many songs to get through, here's my annual cut-out-and-keep guide to indicate what's in store, and/or a reminder of which country was which.

N.B. These comments are different to those in my album review, which was a comment on the songs only.

16 songs will perform, 10 will go through. I added whether I wanted or thought they would, then updated afterwards whether or not they did.

01 Austria - Natália Kelly - Shine

A stompy, mid-tempo track sang by a young girl with long, curly dark hair. There's a slight early-Christina Aguilera vibe going on. She has a great voice, and performs confidently. Nothing wrong with the song- it's a fine way to open the competition, but there's not much happening on-stage and there is much better to come.

Memorable bit- It's the one that goes "You will shine, shine and fight the shadows in the sky".

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out. Oops.

02 Estonia - Birgit - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

The first of many female-led ballads, and this is one of my personal favourites. To many, it'll be your typical bland Eurovision ballad, and it is lacking in a memorable hook. She'll be dressed in a long white (maternity) dress, which goes well with her long, straight hair. She doesn't do much, bar a bit of a walk in the second half. Well, she is pregnant, and singing a ballad, so cartwheels would be a bit of an ask.

Memorable bit- The acapella breakdown where she holds out a note before the obligatory key change.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. Hurrah!

03 Slovenia - Hannah - Straight Into Love

Time to put those dancing shoes on. Wearing a tight, dark catsuit and featuring some male backing dancers throwing Diversity-style shapes, Hannah pushes her vocals to their limits in a catchy, if repetitive and screechy up-tempo number. Lots of electronic bass, and a sadly disappointing chorus.

Memorable bit- I love the backing dancers' choreography. The song's title should stick the melody in your head.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out. My father was very disappointed.

04 Croatia - Klapa s Mora - Mižerja

Eurovision goes opera! Basically Il Divo, but less pretty and with more of them. It's actually a very nice song, very well sung and should stand out. Whether or not the public vote for it however is another matter. Standing there looking bored during the instrumental break doesn't help matters.

Memorable bit- The opera guys.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? What the hell. Yes.

Result: Out. Having seen the performance properly, I can only agree.

05 Denmark - Emmelie de Forest - Only Teardrops

The hot favourite. It's Eurovision by the numbers- Celtic drums, tin whistles, pleas for world peace- but done very well. Catchy, rousing and sung by a pretty, barefoot girl.

Memorable bit- It's the one that goes "How many times can we win and lose? How many times can we break the rules? Between us, only teardrops."

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

06 Russia - Dina Garipova - What If

The other plea for world peace, but this one's a ballad, and far more insincere. Dina has a great voice, but has chosen to dress as an entry from 1973. For all the audacity of Russia begging us for world peace, it's still a decent song.

Memorable bit- It's the one that goes "What if we all open our arms?"

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

07 Ukraine - Zlata Ognevich - Gravity

Disney meets the West End as Nigella Lawson blasts her way effortlessly through a stunning mid-tempo ballad. Being carried onstage by a giant may raise titters more than create a sense of wonder, but the song is fabulous, and her voice is amazing.

Memorable bit- It's the fairytale one.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

08 The Netherlands - Anouk - Birds

A big fan favourite. Not this fan. Nails on a blackboard as a hideously jazzy, depressing ballad is warbled over by a woman who looks far too pleased with herself. No thanks.

Memorable bit- It's the stupid one that sings about why birds don't fly, and them falling down rooftops.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Ugh.

09 Montenegro - Who See - Igranka

Eurovision does dubstep! Fo' reals. Think DJ Fresh's "Louder" and you'll be in the ballpark. Part of me wants this to qualify, as it's without doubt the most contemporary, relevant song in this year's competition. Unfortunately, that does mean it's basically hideous noise. And they've chosen to dress as spacemen, so there goes the credibility.

Memorable bit- It's the noisy rap one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out

10 Lithuania - Andrius Pojavis - Something

Ironically, this is missing... something. The guy's good-looking, but has no charisma, stage presence or performance. The song's fine while it's on, but instantly forgettable.

Memorable bit- There isn't one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. Wow.

11 Belarus - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

The only ethnic-pop song in this semi, it should stand out with its poppy, Eastern vibe. A lot of fans are writing this off, but I'm not so sure. It certainly stands out in this selection of songs. And she steps out of a glitter ball. What more could you ask?

Memorable bit- It's the one that goes "to the rhythm of a... Cha cha!"

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

12 Moldova - Aliona Moon - O Mie

Another female-led ballad, sung in language by a pretty brunette. Inoffensively sweet, but likely to be forgotten- except for her cinema-screen costume.

Memorable bit- The amazing technicolor dress.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

13 Ireland - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

Back to good old-fashioned techno-Europop, complete of two shirtless, tattooed male drummers/dancers. The song is almost irrelevant, but it's perfectly fine, although the chorus does tend to go a bit too long.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "so be love..." over and over.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through

14 Cyprus - Despina Olympiou - An Me Thimasai

A simple, subtle performance, for a simple, subtle song. Another ballad sang in language by a brunette female, but this one is more mature, and eschews any gimmicks. And is all the duller for it.

Memorable bit- The "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah" bit after she sings the title.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out

15 Belgium - Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills

Pure Europop, and one of my favourites. Introduced to the fans via a live performance that was hideously off-key, this one was written off early. But the song is very catchy, and well-produced. Its success may depend on how well it's performed on the night. Hopefully he can eke out some charisma. Thankfully the ill-advised key change has gone, so fingers crossed.

Memorable bit- It's the one that goes "love kills, over and over."

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. Yay!

16 Serbia - Moje 3 - Ljubav Je Svuda

Three girls dressed as cupcakes act the song out, as if they're singing "Chiquitita" from "Mamma Mia". Unfortunately, the song is not even close to fABBAlous, and just gets screechier and screechier.

Memorable bit- Those hideous cupcake-like costumes.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out

In summary, it's goodbye to Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Montenegro (Scott Mills read out my tweet!), Cyprus and Serbia.

Post Script:

Well, as always, hearing the songs over and over, as well as watching rehearsal videos is no match for the real thing. As soon as I thought my list of favourites was set in stone, the live performances change everything. Well, almost.

Austria, Croatia, Belarus, Cyprus and even Montenegro all performed much worse than I was expecting. Of those, the biggest disappointments were Croatia and Belarus- and only Belarus made it through.

The remaining female ballads all performed as expected, including Anouk and her dirge. Serbia were surprisingly tolerable- let down by their hideous costumes, and Lithuania shocked everybody by qualifying- for the second year in a row. And an honourable mention to Slovenia for some fantastic choreography and impressive vocals.

Only one act truly exceeded my expectations, and that was Ireland's Ryan Dolan. His vocals were incredible, the performance had palpable energy, and his song has definitely climbed a few places in my list.

A quick scan through Thursday's songs is already getting me excited all over again.

See you in two days' time...

American Idol 2013

Jennifer Lopez and Steve Tyler have left the competition as judges, and they've been replaced by two of my least favourite artists- Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. As a result, I probably won't be watching the next season(s). Not that I was a particular fan of anybody who's gone, but I have less than zero interest in what the two newbies have to say about anything. So apologies in advance.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 5 - Number Ones (allegedly)

So Lucy Spraggan is out. I expect her album to reappear on iTunes in 3.. 2.. 1... Well, she'd better act fast, whilst we still remember who she is.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Rylan Clark - Hung Up [Madonna - UK #1]/Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) [ABBA - UK #3]
LOVE that Nicole had no idea who Amy Childs is. I would say I'm well jel, but I have an IQ above single figures.
As for Rylan, the opening ballad bit was alright but then "Rylan style" kicked in, and the vocals were kicked out. Like, totes obv.
And, bringing out the Louis Walsh Rule Book, Hung Up may have been a #1 but Gimme Gimme Gimme wasn't.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Love Story [Taylor Swift - UK #2]
This wasn't a number one, either. A good song choice, though and the boys performed it well. I still would have preferred Jade stayed, however.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
3. Kye Sones - You Get What You Give [New Radicals - UK #5]
I love this song, and it should have been a number one, but it FUCKING WASN'T. Anyway, perfect match of singer and song, though do wish he'd left out the quick-talking bit at the end.

TEAM NICOLE
4. James Arthur - Don't Speak [No Doubt - UK #1]
"I'm so happy that this is my life now". Yes, James. "Now". Not to be mistaken with "from now on."
Given the direction from Gwen Stafani herself that she liked that he stuck to the melody- he then went all trilly and irritating and even threw in a bit of a rant, which I think was intended to be a rap. You may look like him, but Plan B you are not, James. Oh, dear. His first car crash. Hated it.

TEAM TULISA
5. Ella Henderson - Firework [Katy Perry - UK #3]
A big ask, as this always sounds awful live. Her choice to perform it as a torch ballad was a bizarre choice, as if any lyrics don't fit a ballad it's "oh, oh, oh" and "boom, boom, boom". She has a great voice, but that just didn't work for me.
And guess which chart position this DIDN'T reach?

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Dynamite [Taio Cruz - UK #1]
Given some bizarre retro makeover that did not even come close to fitting, the vocals were worse than Rylan's. It was nice to see them giving it some performance, though. Embarrassing.
We lost Melanie Masson for these guys. #justsaying

TEAM NICOLE
7. Jahmene Douglas - Listen [Beyoncé - UK #8]
This wasn't even a US top 60 hit, let alone a #1, and peaking at #8 here. The judges loved it, as did my Dad. I beg to differ. He certainly "killed it", but not in a way I consider even close to positive.

TEAM GARY
8. Christopher Maloney - All By Myself [Celine Dion - #6, Eric Carmen - #12]
Exactly the same performance as every week. Great vocals, cruise ship, karaoke, blah blah blah.

Lucy Spraggan was due to sing "Umbrella", which WAS a #1 for Rihanna & Jay-Z. Missing you already, Lucy.

RESULTS

The bottom two perform:

TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark - Kissing You [Desree]
I've never been a fan of that song (or of course Rylan for that matter), but fair's fair, he delivered that vocal very well.

TEAM GARY
Kye Sones - I Won't Give Up [Jason Mraz]
Equally stripped-down, he gave it that extra oomph, taking much bigger vocal risks. I was expecting it to be close, but it was no competition.

Gary sends home Rylan.
Nicole sends home Kye.
Louis sends home Rylan.
Tulisa sends home Kye. FFS.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Kye.

Given that that was the last act whose album I'd consider buying, don't be surprised if I'm not here next week. The show has been deleted from my already-bursting DVR, so it may depend on if I see something that catches my interest.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 4 - Halloween (allegedly)

Handbags at dawn. We bring you... Breathgate!

Oh, and Lucy Spraggan has been given a week off due to ill health. Get well, Lucy.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Kye Sones - Let Me Entertain You [Robbie Williams]
He hardly has the presence and swagger to pull this song off. Not even close. That said, it was his best vocal so far.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Sweet Dreams [Beyoncé]
Their best vocals to date, and a pretty decent performance to boot, too.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Rylan Clark - Toxic [Britney Spears]/ Horny [Mousse T]/ Poison [Nicole Scherzinger]
Same old, same old. Vote for him, that'll show that mean old bully, Gary. Yawn.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Bring Me To Life [Evanescence]
Top tune, top vocalist. How could it go so horribly wrong? Nicole was spot-on; the song was in the wrong key, it did not suit her voice and just made both her and the song sound all the worse for it.

TEAM GARY
5. Christopher Maloney - (I Just) Died In Your Arms [Cutting Crew]
Chris is a bit infuriating, because he does nothing original, innovative or current- but has a great voice, and performs well.

Ooh Gary just called Tulisa "fagbreath" and Tulisa returned with "red wine breath". Meow!

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Every Breath You Take [Police]/ Beautiful Monster [Ne-Yo]
Their vocals were pretty awful on the chorus. The mash-up had nothing to do with it. The dancing certainly didn't help.

TEAM NICOLE
8. Jahmene Douglas - Killing Me Softly [Roberta Flack]
I've made this complaint before, but this is not a romantic song. It is a song about a singer/songwriter performing a song that you feel could have been written about you. Absolutely NO reason to change "his" to "her" unless you're a homophobe. End of. His vocals were back to tedious anyway.

TEAM FAGBREATH
9. Jade Ellis - Freak Like Me [Edina Howard/Sugababes]
What a catastrophe. Hellish arrangement of a crap song that was only good when mashed up with a Gary Numan song. By the time that kicked in, the damage was done. She deserves so much better.

TEAM NICOLE
10. James Arthur - Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) [Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson]
As usual, he looks a mess but his vocals were pretty fantastic. The arrangement was spot-on for his voice.

RESULTS

Bottom two: Jade and District 3.
Jade goes home.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 3 - Club Classics

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Christopher Maloney - Waiting For A Star To Fall [Boy Meets Girl]
I love this song, but this was cringey cruise ship yellowcoat cabaret karaoke at its finger-clicking, jazz-hands cheesiest. The vocals were far from perfect. It was good fun and I'd have been happy with it, but as a credible performance from a potential music artist it failed miserably.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. MK1 - Gypsy Woman [Crystal Waters]/ Pass Out [Tinie Tempah]
I hated the first song first time round, and whilst they updated its beats, it was just as crap, in exactly the same way. But stopping one song and starting another is not a mash-up, and the second song was completely pointless.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Jahmene Douglas - Say A Little Prayer [Aretha Franklin]
Out come the sob stories, albeit reluctantly (again), but let's face it, Jahmene's voice doesn't usually need it. This week, however, he rivalled Cristopher in the cheese stakes, but the emotional hangover from the sob story have clearly had an impact, so I'll give him a one-week reprieve. Although this song is not what I'd call a club classic, even with a "Mercy" [Duffy] background mash up.

TEAM TULISA
4. Jade Ellis - Free [Ultra Naté]
Given a nice Emeli Sandé drum-n-bass vibe, the song suited her voice better than I would have thought and I quite liked the attitude staging and choreography. Something was lacking, but she was demonstrably ill so she can have a pass too. Not that she needs it.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - Sexy And I Know It [LMFAO]
Erm....... O....kaaaay.... Of all the dance anthems that can be turned into folksy acoustic songs, this is pretty near the bottom. He scowled throughout his "fun" song like he wanted to kill the first three rows, but his vocals were pretty flawless. He's the Anti-Chris, if you will.

TEAM LOUIS
6. Union J - When Love Takes Over [David Guetta & Kelly Rowland]
Not a patch on Matt Cardle's Clocks mash-up version from two years ago, but you can't keep a great song down and they did a decent job. Nicole made good points about their lack of harmonies and energy, but even that was only a partial issue.

TEAM NICOLE
7. Rylan Clark - On The Floor [Jennifer Lopez]/ Don't Stop The Music [Rihanna]/ I See You Baby [Groove Armada]
On mute, he's fantastic. Unfortunately, I'm typing this and therefore mostly listening. He is hands-down the best performer. But this is X Factor, not BGT.

TEAM TULISA
8. Lucy Spraggan - Titanium [David Guetta & Sia]
A big song, and credit where it's due, Lucy's voice held up surprisingly well. Granted, we are getting samey performances, but I really liked the arrangement and am nowhere near bored of her yet.

TEAM GARY
9. Kye Sones - Save The World [Swedish House Mafia]
I'm not convinced that this was as big an improvement on last week, vocally, as it needed to be but it was an improvement, and did make a bigger impact. Still some flat notes though.

TEAM LOUIS
10. District 3 - Beggin' [Madcon/Four Seasons]/ Turn Up The Music [Chris Brown]
With a lot to prove, having (ridiculously) survived last week's (alleged) sing-off, they certainly brought lots of energy. The harmonies were definitely improved, although the Chris Brown section was awful, but they ended on a high.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Ella Henderson - You Got The Love [The Source & Candi Staton]
Another big song, and this time the big voice to match. Nice to hear this minus the Florence screech, although her ad libs subtracted, rather than added. Why the judges misinterpreted Gary's positive comments I don't know. Well, actually I do. See last week.

RESULTS
The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM LOUIS
1. MK1 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved [The Script]
Oh dear. Exceptionally bad female vocals with a rap does not a good performance make, no matter how emotional the performance.

TEAM GARY (yet again)
2. Kye Sones - I Can't Make You Love Me [Bonnie Raitt/George Michael]
Sucks to be Gary Barlow right now. Kye gave a far better, stripped-down vocal here than last night's bigger production. No competition. So he's probably going home.

Louis sends home Kye.
Gary sends home MK1.
Nicole sends home MK1.
Tulisa sends home Kye. Wow, she really is out-Louis-ing Louis.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home MK1. Bye. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. Or do.