American Idol 2011 - Final

Okay, so it's the all-country final, and it doesn't get more all-country than Scotty McReary (sic). He's going to win. I'm not saying I want him to win- I don't- or that I know he has- I'm writing this as I watch, and have avoided spoilers. However, they're giving Lauren Alaina a fair shot by bringing out the sob stories that Lauren's hurt her vocal chords but will soldier on. I'm sure it's true, but if she's okay, why are we hearing about it? Anything that gives Lauren an edge over Scrotty (sic) is fine by me.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' favourite past performance.
1. Scotty - Gone (Mongonery Gentry).
Credit where it's due, Scotty has actually come a long way. That was a confident, professional performance with a perfect vocal and a perfectly-pitched song choice. It's a shame he's so odious to watch. The smug smirk, wonky mic thing, winks to camera... He looks in the mirror and sees Justin Timberlake, doesn't he? Unfortunately I see Curious George.

2. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood).
Ah, THAT's why they mentioned the voice thing. Clearly stretched to her absolute limit, Lauren gave it her all, but her actual voice had other ideas. At times, the vocal cracks added a nice texture to her voice, but it's clearly not what she was aiming for. Like Scotty, she performed it well and, whilst the signs of struggle have appeared, she wasn't as out-of-breath as she was the first time she sang this.

Round one: Scotty. Damnit.

ROUND TWO: Idols' choices.
1. Scotty (chosen by George Strait) - Check Yes Or No (George Strait).
Yeah, it was alright. Whatever. I have no criticism, but won't be buying it.

2. Lauren (chosen by Carrie Underwood) - Maybe It Was Memphis (Pam Tillis).
Not the most exciting song in the world, but a great choice as a showcase for Lauren's voice, as it sounded gorgeous.

Round two: Lauren.

Randy & JLo agree with my verdicts, Lauren seems adorably excited. Scotty doesn't appear to be aware of Lauren. Steven gives both rounds to Lauren "because she's prettier". He's the judge added to the panel to give it musical credibility, right?

ROUND THREE: Winners' (potential) singles.
1. Scotty - I Love You This Big.
I only need the title to know this sing choice is perfect for Scotty. Not only does it sound mawkishly sentimental in a way that Scotty could deliver with sincerity, but is also grammatically incorrect.
He put his arms outstretched sideways when he sang "this big"! Who saw THAT coming? Fortunately, the song was dull as hell, even by my bland-loving standards. (And yet, I suspect I might like it with someone else's interpretation.) He went a bit off on the key change, and I cannot see how ANYONE, especially Randy, could have been impressed by that last note. Surprisingly, Scotty wasn't up to his usual blandly competent standard on that song, and I actually got the impression he hated it, à la Taylor Hicks.

2. Lauren - Like My Mother Does.
At least they didn't go for the word "Momma". The intro was spoiled a little by the out-of-tune ukulele player, but compensated by raking up the sentimental factor as Lauren walked off-stage to sing to her mother. Utterly shameless, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Kudos to Lauren for not breaking down and delivering an astonishing vocal throughout. It was genuinely emotional, and someone on American Idol 2011 has finally (FINALLY!) had that "moment". Fantastic.

Round three: As Steven put it, "Lauren gets it, hands-down". Randy agrees, JLo bottles it with a non-committal "tight race".

The performance show ends with Season 7 winner David Cook, about whom we'd all forgotten, giving us his version of "Don't You Forget About Me". He does a decent job, but I'm more amused by the knowledge that David Archuleta (the smug-faced little turd that Cook defeated) is in the audience.

Results Show


That is NOT a flattering look on Lauren.

We kick things off with the top 24 giving a suitably tuneless version of Born This Way. Stefano does his best to hog the camera, reminding us why he was voted out. Ashthon looked unrecognisable thanks to an attack of the hair straighteners, whilst Casey Goon looked so out of place in the background, bless him.

This is followed by James Durbin joining Judas Priest on a medley of their songs (I'm assuming) and, frankly, made their lead singer look (and sound) like the amateur. Still didn't do much for me though. Cue plug for their tour.

Comedy VT time! First up, Randy The Veteran. Basically he asks "what kind of show is this" and says "in it to win it" a lot.

Just in case the all-country final didn't make it abundantly clear, Americans have a tendency to love Jesus. And I mean like REALLY love Jesus. But in case you missed it, here's Jacob and "gospel star" Kirk Franklin, singing "I Smile". I love how they chose to represent "the church" with the biggest screaming queen ever seen on the Idol stage (yes I do remember Adam Lambert, and he was macho compared to Jacob). Gladys Knight suddenly wanders onto stage unannounced, yet nobody seems surprised. It's like it was planned or something. Cue plug for her Vegas show.

Casey sings/growls his way through Fat Bottom Girls with Jack Black. I'm sure they had fun and it made me smile, but more so as I turned the volume down. I guess Seth Roegen was busy. Cue plug for Kung Fu Panda 2.

The top 6 eliminated girls perform a Beyoncé medley. The stand-out "cover your ears" moments tended to come from Haley's solos. Yep, the one that nearly made the final. The harmonies were horrific. As expected, Pia's vocals stood out, unfortunately during the horrific Deja Vu. Just bring her out already... Ah, here she comes. She opts to demonstrate her dancing skills over her vocal ones, but whatever.

Comedy VT time! Second up, Steven The Loose Cannon. By which they mean he swears a lot and pervs a lot.

Haley joins Tony Bennett for a hideous jazz Stepping Out. Time to make a cuppa. Actually, Haley never sounded better. Cue plug for his new album.

Comedy VT time! Jennifer The Most Beautiful Woman in the World. By which they mean loads of contestants tell her they grew up fancying her. Must be rewarding to know your only contribution to a judging panel Is looking good.

TLC (the L being Lil' John) perform a hit medley. T-Boz sounded like she was lip-synching (which would be a huge compliment if she wasn't), and I'm not sure I've ever heard Chili anyway. Some of the girl rejects pop up to provide more dreadful harmonies.

Scotty joins Tim McGraw for Live Like You're Dying (no, not previous Idol winner Kris Allen's song). It basically sounds like every other song Scotty did, though Tim certainly out-sung Scotty. Unfortunately the voting lines are now closed.

Comedy VT time! It's the shit contestant compilation. It's funny cos they think theyre people. Cue bad singing, injuries, crying, tantrums and the greatest moment of the series- a guy back-flipping onto a cameraman (and his camera).

Marc Anthony (JLo's husband) performs what sounds like a Latin opera over the instrumental of Copacabana. Time for another cuppa. Oh, hang on... JLo's not sitting at the judges' table. How odd, you think she'd be there cheering on her hubby. Oh, silly me- she's just appeared on stage! Did NOT see THAT coming. Fortunately, she goes nowhere near a mic and decided to wiggle her substantial booty instead. I'm sure for many THAT was the series highlight.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss being rejected, particularly Casey and James, before wheeling out Pia wearing a sash identifying her as most shocking elimination. Fair play.

The top 6 rejected boys perform a pretty decent Tom Jones medley (up to "What's New Pussycat?" anyway) and the Welshman joins them for "It's Not Unusual". Wisely, he doesn't do the hip-swivel thing.

Interesting bit here, as I'm watching the US version, and there is now a load of Ford product placement. We usually see the music videos, but they haven't made it into the UK shows this year- which is a shame, as this week's music video features a compilation of past videos, and they look pretty spectacular. So this paragraph will not apply to UK viewers. Cue VT of Ford donating loads of cash to the schools of the finalists, with their favourite teachers getting invites to the show where they're each presented with a "brand New Ford Focus", and the finalists themselves get the Ford vehicle of their choice. We don't know what they'll choose, but my guess is Scotty gets a pick-up truck, and Lauren opts for a Ka.

Lady Gaga brings a cliff on stage for Edge of Glory (see what she did there?) whilst wearing a beaded curtain on her head. She presently whips it off to reveal the obligatory Gaga black-and-sparkles bikini underneath and then writhes with a shirtless hottie before they jump off said cliff. Lady knows how to put on a show, I'll give her that!

Lauren launches into "Before He Cheats", so since we all know where it's going, they cut to the chase and wheel in season four winner Carrie Underwood for the first chorus. Lauren does a decent job of holding her own, but I have a big soft spot for Carrie Underwood, and, despite a very generous "look at Lauren, not me" performance, Carrie still manages to outshine her.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss the humiliation of being beaten by a couple of schoolchildren.

Beyoncé returns to perform "her new single", "1+1". Yes, the sooner we forget the travesty to music that was her new single, "Run The World (Girls)", the better. The song may repeat the line "make love to me", but surely I misheard her when it sounded like she sang "I don't know much about cunt"? Oh, "guns". Quite a boring song, and an indulgent vocal performance almost worthy of Stefano- except that you could at least tell she was listening to what she was singing.

We then get a mahoosive plug for the massively-derided Spider-Man musical as Reeve Carney (me neither) is joined by composers Bono & The Edge to perform "Rise Above". Some great Spidey acrobatics, but the song's pretty useless. And was it just me or did the riff on the intro sound like Adam Buxton's "Quantum
Of Solace" spoof?

And now the big surprise... Steven Tyler performs "Dream On". Er... the only surprise is that it's taken all season to get him on stage, and that's even with a new single to plug. Unless Eminem's going to join him for "Sing For The Moment"? Nope, that's it.

"Dim the lights, here we go!"

And the winner is...

Scotty. Told ya. Goddamnit.

Needless to say, he thanked "The Lord first", launched into his horrid single, then proceeded to hug the entire front row, one by one, before treating the other contestants to the same, whilst trying- and failing- to sing.

One final thing... I really don't recommend trying to eat falling confetti. Have these people never seen Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice?

American Idol 2011 - Top 3 - Choices

So we're down to the top 3. It's between the country girl, the country boy and the shit one. I mean, jazzy, growly whatever girl.

Guest mentor this week is Beyoncé. If my new single was as hideously shite as hers, I'd do what I could to boost my profile too.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' choice.

1. Scotty - Amazed (Lonestar).
This was my little sister's wedding song, you know. No pressure, then. Fortunately, it's right up Scotty's very limited little alley. Unfortunately he's gone from charming, bland, inoffensive country boy to smug fucking twat in an impressively short time.
If you had the TV on mute, you'd swear from the self-satisfied look on his smug little face that he'd just given the vocal equivalent of MJ's first moonwalk. Unfortunately it was remarkably unremarkable, proving he's pretty much got this far by default. I haven't heard the Randy-produced version of this song by Boyz II Men, but I really REALLY don't want to.

2. Lauren - Wild One (Faith Hill).
Speaking of default, Lauren is my favourite left in the competition for simply not being Scotty or Haley. Despite Beyoncé's protestations to the contrary, Lauren's rehearsal of this song clearly had no appeal to Beyoncé whatsoever... she's not that good an actress, whatever Ryan Seacrest says. I did believe that Beyoncé liked Lauren herself though (see the first sentence of this paragraph for details.)
As for the performance, Lauren pretty much slept through it, performing it with such effortlessness that it looked like she couldn't be that bothered. But the vocals were strong and she wasn't a smug fucking twat.

3. Haley - What Is And What Should Never Be (Led Zeppelin).
Hats off to Beyoncé for describing Haley's song choice as one not "everyone knows" (I certainly didn't, and won't be hunting it down, either). But several hats off to Haley. One for attempting to throw some credibility into the mix (not that that's ever meant anything to me, either). Hat number two for undermining said credibility by shamelessly playing the heartstrings card from the bottom of the deck and getting "Daddy" to "rip pretty good" on stage with her. Then two more hats for telling Beyoncé she "grew up listening to" her; Hat number three, because she'd just told Beyoncé thirty seconds earlier that she'd been raised on classic rock, and hat number four for basically saying to Beyoncé what translates as "bitch, you old".
She sang and growled a little, screeched and trilled a lot, and stomped around the stage like she's left the coat hanger in her top, before tripping over and chuckling about it. I'll take a fifth hat off for that.

The judges all agree round one went to Haley. I have to agree, but for completely different reasons.

ROUND TWO: Jimmy Iovine's choices.

1. Scotty - Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not? (Thompson Square).
It's a definite "not", Scotty.
We get to see Scotty's audition again when he sang THAT damn song about locking doors and turning lights down low for the first of many many MANY times. He tells us he's 16, the caption tells us he's 17. Given he's obviously a redneck Republican, I know whose maths I'll be trusting. But Steven Tyler manages to upstage all of it with his "fuck a duck" comment. Scotty clearly isn't impressed, but needs those yeses so grins and bears it.
For the performance, he radically mixes things up (by Scotty standards) by eschewing the wonky mic in favour of a wonky guitar, whilst adopting his now familiar "pinching one out" stance. Iovine picked a nicely uplifting, melodic track- a rarity for Scotty. More familiar, though, is his competently bland performance, and my lack of caring.

2. Lauren - If I Die Young (The Band Perry).
First, we discover Lauren has ripped her tights during the break. Let's be honest, it's things like this that are the real reason she's made it this far over the likes of Pia and James.
Then her memorable, hugely charismatic Amazing Technicolor audition, which ends in her duetting with Steven Tyler on probably the one Aerosmith song he didn't write. Bless.
Jimmy's choice was indeed a perfect match for Lauren's voice, but did lean a little too much on the bland side for a competitive performance. There were a couple of vocal cracks, but nothing Haley doesn't do EVERY time, and it actually added to the emotion of it. Most importantly, she's not Scotty or Haley.

3. Haley - Rhiannon (Fleetwood Mac).
Haley's audition was nicely bitter, given it wasn't her first for the show. Now she has a bona fide rocker on the panel to support her, and gets through giving an oddly familiar shouty, growly, performance. My, how she's grown.
Fleetwood Mac. They're so hot right now. For real- thanks to Glee's Rumours episode, they are. (Check out the iTunes chart right now if you don't believe me.)
Anyone who's ever doubted Stevie Nicks's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Haley's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either.

Round two to Lauren because she isn't Haley or Scotty. The judges go for Scotty.

Is nobody really going to acknowledge Neil Sedaka next to Jimmy? Ah, there you go... Random.

Cue Beyoncé's Run The World (Girls) video. Wow, that is one shocking... for want of a better word, song. Thankfully they turn it off a couple of minutes in.

ROUND THREE: Judges' choices.

1. Scotty - She Believes (In Me) (Kenny Rogers, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
Anyone who's ever doubted Ronan Keating's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over. Nothing wrong with Scotty's vocals per se, but nothing worth mentioning either. God bless copy & paste.
But seriously, Yawnsville, Tenessee. And that was supposedly Scotty "hitting a big chorus" and "stretching himself".

2. Lauren - I Hope You Dance (LeAnn Womack, or, if you're British, Ronan Keating).
(What was I just saying about copy & paste?)
Even when you stick Lauren in a dress and give her a worthy song, she still shines in a cutesy Lauren kind of way. I do actually know the LeAnn Womack version, and she did it justice. More so than Ronan did. Fo sho.

3. Haley - You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette). Ronan hasn't covered this one yet, as far as I know.
I'm sure I wasn't the only one hoping she'd do THAT line with THAT word, but I'm typing this in advance with the certainty that she didn't. So much for edge and credibility.
But objectively, that was a complete car crash. She struggled hideously on the lower register, and fumbled the words. Loved how the judges kept mentioning the choruses, in the clear knowledge that the rest was insufferable. Oh, go on then... (paste) Anyone who's ever doubted Alanis Morissette's vocal abilities, play these side-by-side. Game over... Oh, you get the point.

Round three to Lauren. Judges agree, mostly.

RESULTS SHOW.

Thanks to lots of twee homecoming VTs, we learned the following:
Haley didn't realise a giant American Idol limo was for her. And I missed Haley Reinhart Day before I even had a chance to buy a card.
Scotty eats donuts with his mouth open, and says "Oh my God" when properly surprised, as opposed to his usual "Oh my gosh".
Lauren might actually be more country than Scotty. Lauren Alaina Day is the same day as Haley Reinhart Day, that must be embarrassing. And Lauren cries at the sight of her hometown's devastation by storm damage. Who'd've thought? Shame the voting lines are closed, this disaster porn is voter gold. Her home crowd was hands-down the biggest of the three.

We were also treated to performances by Il Volo- a Latin operatic version of the Jonas Brothers who clearly won't sell as many posters- and Nicole Scherzinger featuring 50 Cent, performing an oddly rubbish but catchy song.

Results are in, Haley's out. Phew. Fair play, she was gracious in defeat. Sympathy dwindled once she started singing though, especially since chose BENNIE AND THE MOTHERFUCKING JETS. I swear she reads this blog and just wanted to piss me off one last time.

So it's an all-country final. There goes the international career, then.

American Idol 2011 - Top 4 - Inspiration / Lieber & Stoller

1. James - Don't Stop Believing (Journey)
An oddly copycat performance. He had nothing else to add, neither do I.

2. Haley - Earth Song (Michael Jackson)
As usual, she showed both her strengths (nice, soft start) and weaknesses (horrid growly end). I can't say I felt any emotion from her performance.

3. Scotty - Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning? (Alan Jackson)
As I said last week, old Scotty's back and more's the pity. Wow, that song is one mawkish piece of sentimental jingoistic crap that made Earth Song look subtle.

4. Lauren - Anyway (Martina McBride)
Very well sung, though again I didn't really get the emotion.

Round 1 to Lauren.

5. Haley - I (Who Have Nothing) (Shirley Bassey)
After Jordin Sparks won the competition a month before the final with this song, it's a wise choice. But then it's not wise to try to outdo someone else's moment. Gaga's idea to drama it up amused me too, especially as Haley interpreted this as meaning to shout and growl louder whilst waving your arms. No, Randy, she did not have a "moment".

6. Scotty - Youngblood (Coasters)
And now Gaga's trying to take the Scotty out of Scotty. Fair play. Boring song, but a weird stalky psychotic performance. Randy's right that we've seen both sides of Scotty tonight. Both. As in all. Meaning two. Spot on.

7. Lauren - Trouble (Elvis Presley)
"Evil isn't that bad a word, is it?" Lady Gaga wisdom, there. But it worked- Lauren totally got into character, and nailed the swagger. Then it went all up-tempo gospel-style and sounded absolutely horrid. Hmph.

8. James - Love Potion #9 (Coasters)
Just like old Scotty, old James is back. Confident and screechy, competent and... whatever.

Round 2 to... Oh, whoever. I honestly don't care anymore. Anyone but Haley.

Results Show
Scotty & James - Start A Band
Obviously, they must cow-tow to Mr All American so the duet is a country song. No offence, James, I'm sure. The song only came alive when James joined in anyway, so maybe they did him a favour after all.

Haley & Lauren - Gunpowder & Lead
Second duet and oh, it's country again. Maybe they've started to realise who their audience REALLY is. Or maybe I am. The girls' voices blended very nicely, actually, though my toes kept curling when Haley sung her solo spots.

Comedy VT time, and it's Skype calls home. LOVED how Lauren's accent was suddenly turned up to 111. Adorable. Saying that to vote for her will mean she can visit them next week isn't really wise, since they'll see more of her if they don't. Nothing really of note with the others, though I didn't realise James had a kid. And I really hate Scotty now. Like, proper want-to-punch-his-face-in-and-kill-his-first-born hate.

"First through... is the pride of..."
Oh for fuck's sake, it's Scotty isn't it?
"...(insert place name)... Lauren!"
Tidy!

Lady Gaga performs (via VT) a slightly more decent version of the boring song Haley premiered a week or so ago, You And I. Better heard and not seen, for sure. There's showmanship, there's controversy, and there's just out-and-out WTF? Thanks, but not for me.

Speaking of VT, Usher stays home and leaves Enrique Iglesias to do all the work on their duet, Dirty Dancer. By the first chorus he gives up and does I Like It instead. No Pitbull VT though. I swear I heard autotune in there too.

Jordin Sparks returns with a song that falls somewhere between Beyonce and Nelly. Meanwhile, she proves that dancing is not her strong suit. Best stick to the power ballads, then. And if she was singing live, I'm a heterosexual.

Back to the VT performances, this time it's judge Steven Tyler's new single "Feels So Good" (I'm guessing). Disappointed he didn't show his judge credentials by performing live. Even JLo managed that.

Oh, bollocks. Haley is through. So it's Mr Tourette's Vs Jesus Boy. No brainer, bye bye James. At least it got JLo crying. But I am getting very worried about the demographics watching and voting on Idol in the States.

He says goodbye with a rather emotional version of Maybe I'm Amazed. An occasionally pitchy, screechy version, but an emotional one.

American Idol 2011 - Top 5 - Old & New

1. James - Closer to the Edge (30 Seconds to Mars)
The rehearsal duet with Sheryl Crow sounded amazing. The actual performance was far from it. Concentrating more on pleasing the crowd than on his vocals meant it didn't sound great.

2. Jacob - No Air (Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown)
The rehearsal sounded terrible, way too above his key. The actual performance was even worse. Pitchy screaming and "oh yeah"s does not the singing of a chorus make. Granted, most big stars these days do leave the singing of melodies to the backing vocalists, but it makes them look shite too. Truly dreadful.

3. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood)
First up, congrats to Lauren for avoiding being impaled by that over-enthusiastic violinist's bow. The song was a bit big and wordy for this kind of show, in an "Any Man of Mine" kind of way, but she pulled it off.

4. Scotty - Gone (Montgomery Gentry)
How my heart sinks every I have to type that bloody "y" on Scotty's name. But fair dues, he did a great job. He's massively improving his stage presence and the vocals were impressive too.

5. Haley - You and I (Lady Gaga)
Definitely a song suited to Haley's bluesy gravelly voice, and she did a decent job. But... it was incredibly boring.

6. James - Without You (Nilsson)
Aww he cried and couldn't rehearse. Then cried again on stage, where he appeared to be wearing pyjamas. I can't say I felt it, and the vocals were (understandably) a bit messy, but it was nicely controlled.

7. Jacob - Love Hurts (Nazareth)
It started off stunning. Stripped and subtle. Then he got into it, kicking it up a gear, and the results were... mixed. It would have been braver to continue as he began, but I can't say what he did was by any means terrible. But I wasn't hugely excited either.

8. Lauren - Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)
Well, it had to appear at some point. I think it's in the constitution. She did a good job, but clearly got so caught up in her ad libs she missed the opportunity for THAT note. Bits of it were great, most of it was... meh.

9. Scotty - Always on My Mind (Elvis Presley)
Secretly gutted he didn't do the full-on Pet Shop Boys disco version, it was, you know, very nice and all that. Old Scotty's back. (That's not a good thing.)

10. Haley - House of the Rising Sun (The Animals)
SHOUT! Grrrrrowl. SHOUT! Grrrrowl. Trill, screech... Enough already. Go the fuck HOME! A standing O from the judges. Pur-lease.

Best tonight: Scotty & Lauren
Worst tonight: Jacob & Haley

RESULTS SHOW

We kick things off (after some shameless plugging from the judges) with a tuneless rendition of Happy Together from all five remaining contestants that made me question if this is the worst final five ever...? I remember last year's being pretty hideous, but I don't think anyone left is anywhere near as bad as last year's winner, Lee Dewyze.

Idol meets Hell's Kitchen as the contestants cook for Gordon Ramsay. Lauren walked it. Jacob second. Here's hoping...

Lady Antebellum perform Just A Kiss. I couldn't help but think if America had an equivalent of Eurovision, this is what it would be like. Which from me is kind of a compliment.

Next up, another one of their amusing voxpop VT (that stands for Video Tape) thingies where they discuss song choices and clothing. Well, except for the amusing part.

I have to admit that I've quite liked Jimmy Iovine's mentoring this year, and it's interesting to finally hear his feedback of the actual performances before the results. I couldn't disagree with his comments on James and Lauren, though I think Lauren's Unchained Melody big-note cop-out wasn't bad enough to earn a bottom-two place.

Hell's Kitchen part 2 sees Lauren & Jacob head to head in a taste test. Lauren wins because Jacob thinks a hot dog is a sausage. Which it fucking IS.

J-Lo then performs her admittedly massive (though shit) single, On The Floor, and does a disappointingly great job. Hmph. Smashing glass, bare chested men, live vocals, energetic choreography... Damn her, I was really looking forward to slagging it off. Still a shit song though. The new single, I'm Into You, sounds a bit better. And has a bare-chested William Levy in the video whilst she writhes on a beach. Fair play, girl knows her audience.

Jacob gets a well-deserved kicking from Jimmy's critique, whilst Haley gets a disappointing thumbs-up. I can't disagree too much with his critique, though no way did she deserve a "10". Scotty gets another thumbs-up, and a prediction of a big career. In the US, for sure. Outside, no chance.

So the bottom two are revealed to be Lauren & Jacob. Hell's Kitchen proving oddly prophetic, there... Fortunately, Jacob loses again. He then treats us to a rather hideously screechy "A House Is Not A Home Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Oh Yeah". Another early favourite of mine gets another very welcome goodbye.