American Idol 2013

Jennifer Lopez and Steve Tyler have left the competition as judges, and they've been replaced by two of my least favourite artists- Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. As a result, I probably won't be watching the next season(s). Not that I was a particular fan of anybody who's gone, but I have less than zero interest in what the two newbies have to say about anything. So apologies in advance.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 5 - Number Ones (allegedly)

So Lucy Spraggan is out. I expect her album to reappear on iTunes in 3.. 2.. 1... Well, she'd better act fast, whilst we still remember who she is.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Rylan Clark - Hung Up [Madonna - UK #1]/Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) [ABBA - UK #3]
LOVE that Nicole had no idea who Amy Childs is. I would say I'm well jel, but I have an IQ above single figures.
As for Rylan, the opening ballad bit was alright but then "Rylan style" kicked in, and the vocals were kicked out. Like, totes obv.
And, bringing out the Louis Walsh Rule Book, Hung Up may have been a #1 but Gimme Gimme Gimme wasn't.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Love Story [Taylor Swift - UK #2]
This wasn't a number one, either. A good song choice, though and the boys performed it well. I still would have preferred Jade stayed, however.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
3. Kye Sones - You Get What You Give [New Radicals - UK #5]
I love this song, and it should have been a number one, but it FUCKING WASN'T. Anyway, perfect match of singer and song, though do wish he'd left out the quick-talking bit at the end.

TEAM NICOLE
4. James Arthur - Don't Speak [No Doubt - UK #1]
"I'm so happy that this is my life now". Yes, James. "Now". Not to be mistaken with "from now on."
Given the direction from Gwen Stafani herself that she liked that he stuck to the melody- he then went all trilly and irritating and even threw in a bit of a rant, which I think was intended to be a rap. You may look like him, but Plan B you are not, James. Oh, dear. His first car crash. Hated it.

TEAM TULISA
5. Ella Henderson - Firework [Katy Perry - UK #3]
A big ask, as this always sounds awful live. Her choice to perform it as a torch ballad was a bizarre choice, as if any lyrics don't fit a ballad it's "oh, oh, oh" and "boom, boom, boom". She has a great voice, but that just didn't work for me.
And guess which chart position this DIDN'T reach?

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Dynamite [Taio Cruz - UK #1]
Given some bizarre retro makeover that did not even come close to fitting, the vocals were worse than Rylan's. It was nice to see them giving it some performance, though. Embarrassing.
We lost Melanie Masson for these guys. #justsaying

TEAM NICOLE
7. Jahmene Douglas - Listen [Beyoncé - UK #8]
This wasn't even a US top 60 hit, let alone a #1, and peaking at #8 here. The judges loved it, as did my Dad. I beg to differ. He certainly "killed it", but not in a way I consider even close to positive.

TEAM GARY
8. Christopher Maloney - All By Myself [Celine Dion - #6, Eric Carmen - #12]
Exactly the same performance as every week. Great vocals, cruise ship, karaoke, blah blah blah.

Lucy Spraggan was due to sing "Umbrella", which WAS a #1 for Rihanna & Jay-Z. Missing you already, Lucy.

RESULTS

The bottom two perform:

TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark - Kissing You [Desree]
I've never been a fan of that song (or of course Rylan for that matter), but fair's fair, he delivered that vocal very well.

TEAM GARY
Kye Sones - I Won't Give Up [Jason Mraz]
Equally stripped-down, he gave it that extra oomph, taking much bigger vocal risks. I was expecting it to be close, but it was no competition.

Gary sends home Rylan.
Nicole sends home Kye.
Louis sends home Rylan.
Tulisa sends home Kye. FFS.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Kye.

Given that that was the last act whose album I'd consider buying, don't be surprised if I'm not here next week. The show has been deleted from my already-bursting DVR, so it may depend on if I see something that catches my interest.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 4 - Halloween (allegedly)

Handbags at dawn. We bring you... Breathgate!

Oh, and Lucy Spraggan has been given a week off due to ill health. Get well, Lucy.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Kye Sones - Let Me Entertain You [Robbie Williams]
He hardly has the presence and swagger to pull this song off. Not even close. That said, it was his best vocal so far.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Sweet Dreams [Beyoncé]
Their best vocals to date, and a pretty decent performance to boot, too.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Rylan Clark - Toxic [Britney Spears]/ Horny [Mousse T]/ Poison [Nicole Scherzinger]
Same old, same old. Vote for him, that'll show that mean old bully, Gary. Yawn.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Bring Me To Life [Evanescence]
Top tune, top vocalist. How could it go so horribly wrong? Nicole was spot-on; the song was in the wrong key, it did not suit her voice and just made both her and the song sound all the worse for it.

TEAM GARY
5. Christopher Maloney - (I Just) Died In Your Arms [Cutting Crew]
Chris is a bit infuriating, because he does nothing original, innovative or current- but has a great voice, and performs well.

Ooh Gary just called Tulisa "fagbreath" and Tulisa returned with "red wine breath". Meow!

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Every Breath You Take [Police]/ Beautiful Monster [Ne-Yo]
Their vocals were pretty awful on the chorus. The mash-up had nothing to do with it. The dancing certainly didn't help.

TEAM NICOLE
8. Jahmene Douglas - Killing Me Softly [Roberta Flack]
I've made this complaint before, but this is not a romantic song. It is a song about a singer/songwriter performing a song that you feel could have been written about you. Absolutely NO reason to change "his" to "her" unless you're a homophobe. End of. His vocals were back to tedious anyway.

TEAM FAGBREATH
9. Jade Ellis - Freak Like Me [Edina Howard/Sugababes]
What a catastrophe. Hellish arrangement of a crap song that was only good when mashed up with a Gary Numan song. By the time that kicked in, the damage was done. She deserves so much better.

TEAM NICOLE
10. James Arthur - Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) [Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson]
As usual, he looks a mess but his vocals were pretty fantastic. The arrangement was spot-on for his voice.

RESULTS

Bottom two: Jade and District 3.
Jade goes home.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 3 - Club Classics

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Christopher Maloney - Waiting For A Star To Fall [Boy Meets Girl]
I love this song, but this was cringey cruise ship yellowcoat cabaret karaoke at its finger-clicking, jazz-hands cheesiest. The vocals were far from perfect. It was good fun and I'd have been happy with it, but as a credible performance from a potential music artist it failed miserably.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. MK1 - Gypsy Woman [Crystal Waters]/ Pass Out [Tinie Tempah]
I hated the first song first time round, and whilst they updated its beats, it was just as crap, in exactly the same way. But stopping one song and starting another is not a mash-up, and the second song was completely pointless.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Jahmene Douglas - Say A Little Prayer [Aretha Franklin]
Out come the sob stories, albeit reluctantly (again), but let's face it, Jahmene's voice doesn't usually need it. This week, however, he rivalled Cristopher in the cheese stakes, but the emotional hangover from the sob story have clearly had an impact, so I'll give him a one-week reprieve. Although this song is not what I'd call a club classic, even with a "Mercy" [Duffy] background mash up.

TEAM TULISA
4. Jade Ellis - Free [Ultra Naté]
Given a nice Emeli Sandé drum-n-bass vibe, the song suited her voice better than I would have thought and I quite liked the attitude staging and choreography. Something was lacking, but she was demonstrably ill so she can have a pass too. Not that she needs it.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - Sexy And I Know It [LMFAO]
Erm....... O....kaaaay.... Of all the dance anthems that can be turned into folksy acoustic songs, this is pretty near the bottom. He scowled throughout his "fun" song like he wanted to kill the first three rows, but his vocals were pretty flawless. He's the Anti-Chris, if you will.

TEAM LOUIS
6. Union J - When Love Takes Over [David Guetta & Kelly Rowland]
Not a patch on Matt Cardle's Clocks mash-up version from two years ago, but you can't keep a great song down and they did a decent job. Nicole made good points about their lack of harmonies and energy, but even that was only a partial issue.

TEAM NICOLE
7. Rylan Clark - On The Floor [Jennifer Lopez]/ Don't Stop The Music [Rihanna]/ I See You Baby [Groove Armada]
On mute, he's fantastic. Unfortunately, I'm typing this and therefore mostly listening. He is hands-down the best performer. But this is X Factor, not BGT.

TEAM TULISA
8. Lucy Spraggan - Titanium [David Guetta & Sia]
A big song, and credit where it's due, Lucy's voice held up surprisingly well. Granted, we are getting samey performances, but I really liked the arrangement and am nowhere near bored of her yet.

TEAM GARY
9. Kye Sones - Save The World [Swedish House Mafia]
I'm not convinced that this was as big an improvement on last week, vocally, as it needed to be but it was an improvement, and did make a bigger impact. Still some flat notes though.

TEAM LOUIS
10. District 3 - Beggin' [Madcon/Four Seasons]/ Turn Up The Music [Chris Brown]
With a lot to prove, having (ridiculously) survived last week's (alleged) sing-off, they certainly brought lots of energy. The harmonies were definitely improved, although the Chris Brown section was awful, but they ended on a high.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Ella Henderson - You Got The Love [The Source & Candi Staton]
Another big song, and this time the big voice to match. Nice to hear this minus the Florence screech, although her ad libs subtracted, rather than added. Why the judges misinterpreted Gary's positive comments I don't know. Well, actually I do. See last week.

RESULTS
The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM LOUIS
1. MK1 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved [The Script]
Oh dear. Exceptionally bad female vocals with a rap does not a good performance make, no matter how emotional the performance.

TEAM GARY (yet again)
2. Kye Sones - I Can't Make You Love Me [Bonnie Raitt/George Michael]
Sucks to be Gary Barlow right now. Kye gave a far better, stripped-down vocal here than last night's bigger production. No competition. So he's probably going home.

Louis sends home Kye.
Gary sends home MK1.
Nicole sends home MK1.
Tulisa sends home Kye. Wow, she really is out-Louis-ing Louis.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home MK1. Bye. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. Or do.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 2 - Heartbreak

To those offended by bad language, proceed with caution. You have been warned. But this programme features Louis Walsh so I have no choice.

TEAM NICOLE SHERZINGER
1. Jahmene Douglas - Tears Dry On Their Own/ Ain't No Mountain High Enough [Amy Winehouse/ Marvin Gaye & Diana Ross]
A pretty flat, amateurish performance with lots of banal armography. But his vocals were excellent, and surprisingly restrained. More like this and he may become a favourite.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
2. Christopher Maloney - Alone [Heart]
Don't think I've ever heard a man sing this before, but he has the big diva vocals to pull it off. Can't say it's much less cheesy than Hero, but it was a great vocal showcase and he got some emotion in there too.

TEAM CUNT
3. Union J - Bleeding Love/ Broken Strings [Leona Lewis/ James Morrison & Nelly Furtado]
Looking more and more like Wand Erection every week, they've definitely improved their vocals, although did start to go off-key on the second song. I liked the arrangement too. Luckily, it was Kye's input and not Cunt's that was responsible.

TEAM TULISA
4. Ella Henderson - Lovin' You [Minnie Ripperton]
When a beehive is an improvement to your hair, you know something's gone wrong somewhere. Famous for its squeal, this is a mighty song to take on and she pulled it off (just), even managing to give it a bit of sass and avoiding its tweeness.

TEAM NICOLE
5. James Arthur - No More Drama [Mary J. Blige]
It looked as though Keith Lemon was standing behind him using his arms as James's, the way he flailed about uncontrollably. But he certainly put the drama into it, especially in his gruff vocals.

TEAM TULISA
6. Lucy Spraggan - Gold Digger [KanYe West & Jamie Foxx]
The one-trick-pony that everyone seems to like (myself included) brings out the sob story, albeit reluctantly, as her nan passed away this week. Turning this hip-hop track into a sub-comedy folk song worked surprisingly well. And extra kudos for keeping the gender references. #TeamLGBT

TEAM GARY
7. District 3 - I Swear [All-4-One]
Putting a now-familiar sub-techno beat under a big 90s ballad, completely agree with Gary in that their individual vocals are far stronger than their harmonies. The choruses were not good. I wish I could enjoy Cunt's anger at Gary's comments... but I can't, he's too much of a cunt.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Love Is A Losing Game [Amy Winehouse]
Sounding worryingly similar to Amy (although in a good way), this is definitely a better fit for her voice than last week's song, but there is a danger of her becoming a soundalike. But whichever way you look at it, that was breathtaking.

TEAM CUNT
9. MK1 - I Want You Back [Jackson 5]
Her vocals have certainly improved, but He only subtracted every time He opened His mouth. (I can't be arsed to learn their names). So a 50% improvement on last week. "She" is Charlie, apparently.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Love The Way You Lie/ Thank You (Stan) [Eminem & Rihanna/ Dido]
A brave choice, and Kye's voice has a large range, but this was a bit of a struggle, and quite uncomfortable to listen to. He just about pulled it off, but with his falsetto, less is more and this was more, therefore less.

TEAM NICOLE
11. Rylan Clark - Back For Good/ Groove Is In The Heart/ Gangnam Style/ Pump Up The Jam [Take That/ Dee-Lite/ Psy/ Technotronic]
The survivor of Cuntgate, Rylan milks his trademark breakdowns with all his might, and with his voice, who can blame him? Opting for a kitchen sink approach to mash-ups, it was a car crash that only confirmed him as a novelty act. Cunt gives the most desperate positive review to justify his fuck-up last week. Fair play to Gary for continuing to call a spade a spade. Or a talentless Essex twat a talentless Essex twat. Ironically, the Back For Good bit was genuinely good.

TEAM GARY
12. Melanie Masson - Never Tear Us Apart [INXS]
Starting softly, she soon got to the Joplinesque belting and knocked it out of the park. She is possibly in danger of becoming the other one-trick pony, but at least she has the pipes to get away with it. For now.

RESULTS SHOW
Let's just brush over the return of the finger-wagging airhorn and the cringey talky bit in Taylor Swift's performance.

The bottom two are revealed and perform;

TEAM CUNT
1. District 3 - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You [Bryan Adams]
The sub-techno backing track is back, but doesn't disguise the fact that their harmonies are as bad as ever. Crap.

TEAM GARY
2. Melanie Masson - Stay With Me [The Faces]
You can pretty much imagine what this was going to sound like before she started, and you would have been right. By which I mean splendid.

Cunt sends home Melanie. Obv.
Tulisa sends home Melanie. Bitch.
Gary sends home District 3. Obv.
Nicole sends home District 3. Phew.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Melanie. Gary doesn't storm off.

Thanks to Tulisa's actions, I may have to reinstate Louis's name or this will likely get increasingly confusing.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 1 - Heroes/inspiration

It's back! So, so am I.

WILDCARD RESULT (aka Foregone Conclusion)
Times Red (Team Louis Walsh)
Amy Mottram (Team Tulisa)
Adam Burridge (Team Nicole Scherzinger)
and, through to perform... Chris Maloney (Team Gary Barlow).

TEAM LOUIS
1. District 3 - The Best [Tina Turner]
Doing nothing that any boyband hasn't done for the last 20 years, we get over-singing and poor harmonies. Turning this into a lame mid-tempo ballad didn't help. I'm not averse to boybands nor the song, but it didn't work for me.

TEAM NICOLE
2. James Arthur - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) [Kelly Clarkson]
An interesting arrangement that took some of the cheese out. Not sure about the rap, even though he pulled it off, but his vocals were undeniably strong.

TEAM GARY
3. Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends [Joe Cocker/The Beatles]
One of the best performances from the "overs" we've ever had. Amazing. Ruth Lorenzo, eat your heart out.

TEAM TULISA
4. Lucy Spraggan - Mountains
A bit wordy in the verses, then contrastingly sparse in the chorus. Not the greatest vocal in the world, but she sold her song and told its story.

TEAM LOUIS
5. MK1 - Champion [Chipmunk & Chris Brown]
Full of contemporary attitude (swag, if you will), but unfortunately the vocals didn't match.

TEAM GARY
6. Chris Maloney - Hero [Mariah Carey]
"X Factor Clichés", page one. Fortunately, his vocals were up to it. But yawn. "You need a little burger with that cheese"!!! Go Nicole!!!

TEAM LOUIS
7. Union J - Don't Stop Me Now [Queen]
It's become obvious why George was added, as he provided the closest thing to decent vocals in this performance. Yikes, the groups are crap this year.

TEAM TULISA
8. Jade Ellis - Hero [Enrique Iglesias]
I love her voice, but this song didn't match it. Nicole was again spot-on, it was in the wrong key.

TEAM NICOLE
9. Ryan Clark - Gold [Spandau Ballet]
The "comedy" act of this year, and nobody's laughing so they're trying to take him seriously. The song was in far too low a key (i.e. any key) but I have to give him his dues for his performance. He worked that stage. Shame about the voice. Again, fair play to Nicole- I agreed with Gary's comments but she freaking OWNED him with her comebacks.

TEAM GARY
10. Kye Sones - Man in the Mirror [Michael Jackson]
"X Factor Clichés", page five. Gary is letting himself and his acts down already. That said, it's a great song and he did a great job with the second half. Just forget the first half. The clappy arrangement really grew on me.

TEAM TULISA
11. Ella Henderson - Rule The World [Take That]
As long as I don't watch her, I can enjoy her. (That hair! Those lips! That eye-makeup!) Her vocals are amazing, if a bit on the shouty side, especially against the stripped-down arrangement. Definitely one to watch. Although I have to say the clip used in the recaps sounded bloody awful.

TEAM GARY
12. Carolynne Poole - Starships [Nicki Minaj]
People seem to have forgotten that she came third in Fame Academy (behind Alex Parks and Alastair Griffin, and no, I didn't need to Google that). Frankly, this countrified arrangement wiped the floor with Nicki Minaj's original, and her vocals were flawless. She might even be able to pull off "Any Man of Mine" without getting voted off.

TEAM NICOLE
13. Jahmene Douglas - Imagine [John Lennon]
See my American Idol comments about Joshua Ledet. Except Jahmene avoided hairballs as well as the melody. Great voice, shame what he chooses to do with it.

RESULTS
Bottom two:
TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark: One Night Only [Dreamgirls]
Lets hope the title is prophetic. He didn't exactly give the kind of vocals that could win anybody over, and his nerves obviously impinged on his performance.

TEAM GARY
Carolynne Poole: There You'll Be [Faith Hill]
I had a horrible feeling Carolynne would be in danger. Damn it. Needless to say, she sang Rylan off the stage. Unfortunately, Louis Walsh gets a vote.

Nicole sends home Carolynne
Gary sends home Rylan
Tulisa sends home Rylan
Louis saves Carolynne then takes it to deadlock. Twat.
Deadlock: The public sends home Carolynne. Gary storms off. Thanks to Louis's dithering, Carolynne gets no "best bits" montage.

American Idol - Week 13 - Final.

It's Phillip Phillips Vs Jessica Sanchez.

Even though I'm watching this almost a week late, I've managed to avoid spoilers and yet am expecting this to be a foregone conclusion. Phillip is the only artist to never have been in the bottom two, plus I'm not that keen on him, and am totally Team Jessica all the way. So Phillip's going to walk it.

Round 1 - Simon Fuller's choice.
1. Jessica Sanchez - I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston).
Jessica has a big voice, and this song requires one. Unfortunately, it's not a good fit. Jessica was never off-key nor off-pitch, but there was a lack of meat in her vocals that made her amazing voice somehow sound somewhat thin and weedy.

2. Phillip Phillips - Stand By Me (Ben E. King).
Giving the song a folksy, acoustic twist, his growly vocals sounded out of place, and he somehow made this amazing song incredibly boring. Which is something of a trademark of Phillip's. At least he's consistent.

The judges (well, Randy) declare round 1 to Jessica. I'm inclined to agree, but both were disappointing so it's more by default than performing an impressive finale performance.

Jason Derülo performs his new single, "Undefeated", which sounds like a cross between Taio Cruz's "Higher" and a Coca Cola jingle.

Round 2 - Contestants' choice.
3. Jessica Sanchez - The Prayer (Céline Dion).
Now that's a bit more like it. Starting off softly, controlled, and incredibly beautiful, she built nicely to belting it out without overdoing it or shouting, and then pulled it back respectfully.

4. Phillip Phillips - Moving' Out (Anthony's Song) (Billy Joel).
Of all of his performances, why he chose this one in particular is a complete mystery to me. Boring, tedious, and of no impact whatsoever.

Round 2 unquestionably goes to Jessica. Stephen agrees, adding an "again", Randy calls it a draw (wuss) and JLo give it to Phillip because his performance was "Phillip". No argument there. Except for that being a good thing.

Round 3 - Winner's single.
5. Jessica Sanchez - Change Nothing.
A disappointingly middle-of-the-road ballad. It was sweet and all, and she sang it well, but there wasn't much to it. I'm curious to know who picked it and/or wrote it.

6. Phillip Phillips - Home.
What do you know? It's a song performed in a folksy acoustic way. It has a bit more of a tempo to it than we're usually used to hearing from Phillip, and it definitely has more of a melody than Jessica's song. But also a bit zzzzzzzzzz.

Round 3 goes to Phillip. Comparisons to Mumford & Sons and Paul Simon were quite accurate. "Brilliant" and "genius", not so much.

And to top it all off they drag back on the mighty season 10 winner (again) Scotty McCreery to sprinkle some stardust on proceedings. Well, sing his tedious exit song, "Better Love" anyway.

So, overall, possibly the most limp Idol finale I can ever remember.

RESULTS SHOW

The final howevermany (minus the two finalists) pop up to give us a rendition of Bruno Mars's "Runaway Baby". It's amazing how many names and faces I'd already forgotten.

1. Phillip Phillips & John Fogerty - Have You Ever Seen The Rain/ Bad Moon Rising (Credence Clearwater Revival).
It's always a strange thing to watch, Phillip duetting. Having become so used to his 33rpm twists on songs, he seems oddly uncomfortable singing a song as is, even if it's with one of his own idols. For my money, he sounded all the better for it, and he definitely came more to life on the second song.

Joshua Ledet returns to the stage for a scream-off with former winner Fantasia. Even the editor is clearly bored as we go to commercial before they've even finished. Phew.

The finalist girls return for a Chaka Khan medley of Ain't Nobody/ Through the Fire/ I'm Every Woman. And, to be fair, they all do a pretty decent job. Then Chaka herself joins them, looking and sounding a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw her pop up on a show like this. Which is not to be mistaken for flawless.

Rihanna performs a laser-heavy "Where Have You Been", a song that sounds a lot worse than similar songs at this year's Eurovision, yet will no doubt fare better in the charts purely on the basis of her name. Yawn.

Skylar Laine returns for a duet with Reba McIntyre on "Turn On Your Radio". Needless to say, she was in her element. She definitely has a bright future ahead in American country music.

Jennifer Holliday joins Jessica Sanchez in a freakishly bizarre scream-off on "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going", although it definitely brought the best out of Jessica's voice in a way that would make her losing to Phillip look frankly embarrassing. Jennifer, however, managed to embarrass herself with facial contortions I never thought would be possible without prosthetics.

Steven Tyler has reconciled with his band, so we get two Aerosmith performances, one is a new song, "Legendary Child", which fits seamlessly into their back catalogue, the other being the Girls Aloud Vs Sugababes classic "Walk This Way". It was what it was, which was what I expected it to be.

And so it's the final performance, a rather lovely duet of Phillip and Jessica performing "Up Where We Belong". With Phillip sounding scarily similar to Joe Cocker, it's fair to say Jessica more than matched Jennifer Warnes.

And so to the result, or foregone conclusion, as Ryan barely takes a breath before announcing the winner of American Idol season 11 is...

Phillip Phillips.

Phillip seems surprisingly calm, and Heejun runs on the stage to take the piss out of him. Then after the first chorus of "Home", it all hits Phillip and his voice cracks. He eventually gives up, hands his guitar to his fellow contestants and buries himself in his family's arms. By which I mean bodies, not guns. As we've discovered, it's a necessary distinction to make when it comes to the Phillips family. It's all rather sweet and emotional, and a nice way to end an underwhelming finale.

See you for season 12. Shortly before Phillip is dropped by BMG.

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Final (Preview)

Saturday, May 26th, BBC1/BBC1HD, 8pm

1. United Kingdom
Engelbert Humperdinck
"Love Will Set You Free".
The controversial British entry is actually a decent acoustic ballad with a playful melody and strong vocals from "The Hump". Whilst I can't say it makes a huge impact, I can't deny that I enjoy it when it's on.
Hook: "Love comes once, if you're lucky enough."

2. Hungary
Compact Disco
"Sound Of Our Hearts".
My personal favourite of this year's ballads, the production reminds me a lot of Madonna's "The Power of Good-bye". Some might consider it bland, generic and over-familiar, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Hook: "This is the sound of our hearts, if you listen".

3. Albania
Rona Nishliu
"Suus".
One of the slowest, but most powerful female-led ballads this year, this is very simple and basic but features breathtaking vocals from Rona. Namely, lots of Björk-esque wailing, but the song couldn't be more different from her music.
Hook: The massive, held-out notes.

4. Lithuania
Donny Montell
"Love Is Blind".
A bit of a mess, to put it mildly. Jumping around in style, from ballad to poor '90s disco production and back again, you can't help but feel there's a song in there somewhere trying to get out, but failing. By no means terrible, but I don't know what Lithuania were thinking entering this. The blindfold is in particularly bad taste.
Hook: "Love is blind, it's true".

5. Bosnia & Herzegovina
Maya Sar
"Korake Ti Znam".
One of the more forgettable female ballads. I'd elaborate, but there is little distinctive about it. It has some Celtic pan pipes towards the end, if that helps.
Hook: It doesn't have one.

6. Russia
Buranovskiye Babushki
"Party For Everybody".
Ask most people in the UK what they expect from Eurovision, and this will likely be what springs to mind. Several Russian grannies in traditional costume, it begins promisingly with a Lion King-like chant, but it soon deteriorates out of nowhere into an excruciating pop-Cossack crossover that you will NOT get out of your head. But in a very bad way. UK voters will love it, in a rubbernecking-a-car-crash kind of way.
Hook: "Dance, come on and dance, come on and party for everybody, dance."

7. Iceland
Greta Salóme & Jónsi
"Never Forget".
An epic Celtic duet whose production instantly conjures mental images of forests, swords, fur coats and leather trousers. The specific melody may not stick in your head, but it will surely be remembered as "that Game of Thrones-y one I quite liked".
Hook: "Forever we'll be free".

8. Cyprus
Ivi Adamou
"La, La, Love".
One of the strongest tracks this year, it's a real club-thumping stomper of a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a Rihanna album. Deserves to be a huge chart hit.
Hook: "Oh I'll be waiting for this la la la-la-la-la-la la la la-la-la-la-la la love".

9. France
Anggun
"Echo (You and I)".
A rather catchy if unremarkable up-tempo pop song with a memorable whistled hook. The song is a little schizophrenic in its production and tempo, but has a familiar feel. Despite its title, it's sung mostly in French.
Hook: Whistling, or "In my dreams, in my dreams, in my heart, in my mind, I see you and I".

10. Italy
Nina Zilli
"L'Amore E' Femmina (Out Of Love)".
Instantly infectious, it mixes a ballsy attitude with a retro vibe to great effect. Think the perfect blend of Dusty Springfield and Amy Winehouse.
Hook: "Boom! Boom! Boom!"

11. Estonia
Ott Lepland
"Kuula"
A full-on piano ballad, but with a male vocal. It's on the stronger end of the scale than most of its ballad competitors.
Hook: The title, really.

12. Norway
Tooji
"Stay".
Bits of this song are ace, in particular the bridge and the first half of the chorus, but the very irritating production throws in these horrid buzzes and alarm-like synth noises that stop me from loving this as much as I otherwise might. But Tooji owns that stage much like Sweden's Eric Saade did last year.
Hook: "I don't know what I'm doing tonight, but this rush is making me stronger".

13. Azerbaijan
Sabina Babayeva
"When The Music Dies".
Reigning champions Azerbaijan opt for yet another ballad, but this one is not quite up to their recent standard. It starts off in a lower register that doesn't sound altogether pleasant, but does build to a rousing chorus.
Hook: "Cold, cold, cold".

14. Romania
Mandinga
"Zaleilah".
Daft, gimmicky, playful and insanely catchy. Horns and accordions over a dance beat, it's a fine slice of Eurovision cheese.
Hook: "Zalilalilaleh, every day, everybody."

15. Denmark
Soluna Samay
"Should've Known Better".
This mid-tempo acoustic ballad is instantly catchy. Think Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", and you'll be in the ball park. It's only let down a little by the mid-section when the rather lovely chorus wanders away, and a very silly costume that makes the female singer look like a toy soldier.
Hook: "Now I miss you, like Sahara misses rain".

16. Greece
Eleftheria Eleftheriou
"Aphrodisiac".
A memorable and credible club anthem, with a sprinkling of Eastern vibes, like the best song Shakira never recorded, but with less irritating vocals. Its singalong "oh-oh-oh-oh-oh" chorus would also sound great on a dancefloor.
Hook: "You make me dance, dance like a maniac."

17. Sweden
Loreen
"Euphoria".
Now we're talking. With David Guetta consistently riding high in the UK singles chart, why this hasn't been picked up by radio and become a monster hit in the UK already mystifies me. Easily the best entry this year, this could potentially give Eurovision music some much-needed credibility with British music buyers. The best example this year of a stomping club anthem, I'd love to see this fly u-u-u-u-u-u-up the UK charts. I'm loving the simplicity of the staging, too.
Hook: "We're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up".

18. Turkey
Can Bonomo
"Love Me Back".
A sea shanty stretched out far beyond its welcome, this is simply awful. But still not as bad as Montenegro's Euro Neuro. "Like me like I like you and say na na na na ne na ne na." Poetry.
Hook: "Come up to my ship, baby, I'll make you fly."

19. Spain
Pastora Soler
"Quédate Conmigo (Stay With Me)".
Arguably the biggest of this year's big ballads, Soler sings her heart out with a song that's full of drama and big notes and a chorus even an Anglophone can sing along to.
Hook: "Quédate conmigo, quédate conmigo".

20. Germany
Roman Lob
"Standing Still".
One of the stronger slow tracks, it begins as a mid-tempo piano ballad that builds nicely with a slight rock edge. Definitely one of this year's more credible tracks, and was co-written by the UK's own Jamie Cullum.
Hook: "I'm standing still, I'm standing still as you leave me now".

21. Malta
Kurt Calleja
"This Is The Night".
Starting off promising, this has some nice chords, a decent pop production, and then builds effectively to a hugely disappointing chorus.
Hook: "Hey-ey-ey-ey-e-yay".

22. FYR Macedonia
Kaliopi
"Crno I Belo".
Starting as a female-led piano ballads, it takes a sudden diversion and rocks out in the second half. It comes out of nowhere and disappears just as suddenly, but gives the song a distinctive sound.
Hook: "Crno i belo e se".

23. Ireland
Jedward
"Waterline"
They're back. Let's face it, last year's Irish entry, "Lipstick" was pure genius. 5 seconds in, it was stuck in your head. This is a far more generic pop-rock song and its lack of gimmicks make it much less memorable. But it's Jedward, so they will find some way to stick in people's minds, as the song surely won't.
Hook: "I am close to the waterline".

24. Serbia
Zeljko Joksimovic
"Nije Ljubav Stvar".
With a melody that reminds me of Coldplay's "Paradise" at times, this male-fronted piano ballad is full of Eastern promise, featuring a string-laden, thumping production that builds effectively.
Hook: It doesn't really have one, but very few of the ballads are led by a male vocal.

25. Ukraine
Gaitana
"Be My Guest".
Gaitana's vocals are very reminiscent of Anastacia's, and the song is all fun, positivity and P.A.R.T.Y. It's a cheesy singalong Anthem with a capital A.
Hook: "You can be my guest".

26. Moldova
Pasha Parfeny
"Lăutar".
An odd title for a song in English (it's a type of musician) this is one of those Eurovision songs that would never ever chart in the UK, yet would get votes from UK audience for its novelty factor. Whilst it doesn't even make my top 30 it does have a certain inexplicable appeal.
Hook: "This trumpet makes you mine, girl".

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Semifinal 2

Thursday, May 24, BBC3, 8pm

Tonight sees the second of two Eurovision semifinals. 10 songs will go through to Saturday's final, 8 end here.
The UK get to vote in this one, so here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to which song is which.

[10pm: Updated with results]

1. Serbia
Zeljko Joksimovic
"Nije Ljubav Stvar".
With a melody that reminds me of Coldplay's "Paradise" at times, this male-fronted piano ballad is full of Eastern promise, featuring a string-laden, thumping production that builds effectively.
Hook: It doesn't really have one, but very few of the ballads are led by a male vocal.
RESULT: Through. Expected.

2. FYR Macedonia
Kaliopi
"Crno I Belo".
Starting as a female-led piano ballads, it takes a sudden diversion and rocks out in the second half. It comes out of nowhere and disappears just as suddenly, but gives the song a distinctive sound.
Hook: "Crno i belo e se".
RESULT: Through. Not what I was expecting.

3. Netherlands
Joan Franka
"You And Me".
A folksy, acoustic song with a light country vibe, it has oodles of charm and I defy you to listen without swaying or rocking your shoulders. However, it also comes with a female singer ill-advisedly wearing a Native American headdress. Think Cher singing "Half Breed".
Hook: "It's you... and me... and everybody out there".
RESULT: Out. A pity.

4. Malta
Kurt Calleja
"This Is The Night".
Starting off promising, this has some nice chords, a decent pop production, and then builds effectively to a hugely disappointing chorus.
Hook: "Hey-ey-ey-ey-e-yay".
RESULT: Through. I'm happy.

5. Belarus
Litesound
"We Are The Heroes".
Beginning with a ballad fake-out, this soon turns into a pop-dance floor filler with a rousing, singalong chorus. I recommend hunting down the original, rockier mix that was far superior, but it's a pretty decent song.
Hook: "We are the wieners, we are the heroes". I assume they mean "winners".
RESULT: Out. Should have stuck with the rock mix.

6. Portugal
Filipa Sousa
"Vida Minha".
A rather anonymous ballad with an Eastern vibe, it is not especially memorable nor unpleasant.
Hook: It doesn't really have one. It has mandolins, if that helps.
RESULT: Out.

7. Ukraine
Gaitana
"Be My Guest".
Gaitana's vocals are very reminiscent of Anastacia's, and the song is all fun, positivity and P.A.R.T.Y. It's a cheesy singalong Anthem with a capital A.
Hook: "You can be my guest".
RESULT: Through. Hooray!

8. Bulgaria
Sofi Marinova
"Love Unlimited"
Featuring the kind of production that was in vogue at the turn of the millennium, this dance track might sound great in a club, and is certainly one of the more contemporary-sounding songs that wouldn't sound out of place in the charts. Think Inna's "Hot". Unfortunately, Sofi performs it like it's a ballad, so I'm hoping they drag out some dancers.
Hook: "Dor-em-dem-dem-day".
RESULT: Out.

9. Slovenia
Eva Boto
"Verjamem".
A female-vocal ballad, and this one builds and builds. Throwing in harps, flutes, a military beat, and some VERY big notes, it ends just as you feel it's starting to go somewhere. But despite being the youngest competitor, Eva has a very strong voice and great stage presence.
Hook: "Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah..."
RESULT: Out. Quite gutted, actually.

10. Croatia
Nina Badric
"Nebo"
In a year of many ballads, good and bad, this falls somewhere in the middle. Beginning with a weak, sparse intro, it soon builds and builds to hugely rousing, choral climax.
Hook: Its bell chimes in the chorus.
RESULT: Out.

11. Sweden
Loreen
"Euphoria".
Now we're talking. With David Guetta consistently riding high in the UK singles chart, why this hasn't been picked up by radio and become a monster hit in the UK already mystifies me. Easily the best entry this year, this could potentially give Eurovision music some much-needed credibility with British music buyers. The best example this year of a stomping club anthem, I'd love to see this fly u-u-u-u-u-u-up the UK charts. I'm loving the simplicity of the staging, too.
Hook: "We're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up".
RESULT: Through. A no-brainer.

12. Georgia
Anri Jokhadze
"I'm A Joker"
Deep sigh. Here we go. It's one of THOSE Eurovision songs that drags the contest into disrepute and deserves disappear into the anus of forgotten entries. Little more than a list of dreadfully tenuous rhymes with "joker", he's clearly having a ball at a party I can't wait to leave.
Hook: The title says it all.
RESULT: Out. Good.

13. Turkey
Can Bonomo
"Love Me Back".
A sea shanty stretched out far beyond its welcome, this is simply awful. But still not as bad as Montenegro's Euro Neuro. "Like me like I like you and say na na na na ne na ne na." Poetry.
Hook: "Come up to my ship, baby, I'll make you fly."
RESULT: Through. Expected, unfortunately.

14. Estonia
Ott Lepland
"Kuula"
A full-on piano ballad, but with a male vocal. It's on the stronger end of the scale than most of its ballad competitors.
Hook: The title, really.
RESULT: Through. Very good news.

15. Slovakia
Max Jason Mai
"Don't Close Your Eyes".
Eurovision goes Emo! Sounding like across between 30 Seconds to Mars and Panic at the Disco, the song has a rather melodic chorus, wrapped up in heavy guitars and wailing vocals. I have mixed feelings about it.
Hook: "Don't close your eyes and pray all the night". And lots of screaming.
RESULT: Out.

16. Norway
Tooji
"Stay".
Bits of this song are ace, in particular the bridge and the first half of the chorus, but the very irritating production throws in these horrid buzzes and alarm-like synth noises that stop me from loving this as much as I otherwise might. But Tooji owns that stage much like Sweden's Eric Saade did last year.
Hook: "I don't know what I'm doing tonight, but this rush is making me stronger".
RESULT: Through. Yay!

17. Bosnia & Herzegovina
Maya Sar
"Korake Ti Znam".
One of the more forgettable female ballads. I'd elaborate, but there is little distinctive about it. It has some Celtic pan pipes towards the end, if that helps.
Hook: It doesn't have one.
RESULT: Through. No mean feat in amongst all the other ballads tonight.

18. Lithuania
Donny Montell
"Love Is Blind".
A bit of a mess, to put it mildly. Jumping around in style, from ballad to poor '90s disco production and back again, you can't help but feel there's a song in there somewhere trying to get out, but failing. By no means terrible, but I don't know what Lithuania were thinking entering this. The blindfold is in particularly bad taste.
Hook: "Love is blind, it's true".
RESULT: Through. A big surprise.

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 - Semifinal 1

Tuesday, May 22, BBC3, 8pm

Tonight sees the first of two Eurovision semifinals. 10 songs will go through to Saturday's final, 8 end here.
The UK don't get to vote in this one, but here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to which song is which, anyway.

[10:30pm: UPDATED WITH RESULTS.]

1. Montenegro
Rambo Amadeus
"Euro Neuro".
This sounds like an old man grumbling over the bassline from Chemical Brothers' "Block Rocking Beats", but that makes it sound far more interesting than it is. There is very little singing involved, if any. Hands-down the worst song this year, so don't let it put you off, it's all uphill from here.
Hook: None I can think of. Dire.
RESULT: Out. Good.

2. Iceland
Greta Salóme & Jónsi
"Never Forget".
An epic Celtic duet whose production instantly conjures mental images of forests, swords, fur coats and leather trousers. The specific melody may not stick in your head, but it will surely be remembered as "that Game of Thrones-y one I quite liked".
Hook: "Forever we'll be free".
RESULT: Through. Great news.

3. Greece
Eleftheria Eleftheriou
"Aphrodisiac".
A memorable and credible club anthem, with a sprinkling of Eastern vibes, like the best song Shakira never recorded, but with less irritating vocals. Its singalong "oh-oh-oh-oh-oh" chorus would also sound great on a dancefloor.
Hook: "You make me dance, dance like a maniac."
RESULT: Through. A no-brainer.

4. Latvia
Anmary
"Beautiful Song".
There's something oddly sweet about the sentiment of this song, hoping that if she wins she (and the song) will become hugely successful. Neither is going to happen, but there is a rather lovely melody in there. Unfortunately something has become lost in the execution, and the weak vocals aren't helping. What could be catchy quickly becomes irritating.
Hook: "Beautiful song is on the radio".
RESULT: Out. As happens to most self-referential Eurovision songs.

5. Albania
Rona Nishliu
"Suus".
One of the slowest, but most powerful female-led ballads this year, this is very simple and basic but features breathtaking vocals from Rona. Namely, lots of Björk-esque wailing, but the song couldn't be more different from her music.
Hook: The massive, held-out notes.
RESULT: Through. It was a classy performance, but clearly not to everybody's taste, so a surprise result.

6. Romania
Mandinga
"Zaleilah".
Daft, gimmicky, playful and insanely catchy. Horns and accordions over a dance beat, it's a fine slice of Eurovision cheese.
Hook: "Zalilalilaleh, every day, everybody."
RESULT: Through. Good for them.

7. Switzerland
Sinplus
"Unbreakable".
The closest thing to a pop-rock anthem this year, it's pretty catchy in a blandly enjoyable kind of way.
Hook: "Swim against the stream, following your wildest dream, your wildest dream".
RESULT: Out. A shame.

8. Belgium
Iris
"Would You?"
Iris, bless her, doesn't have the greatest voice in the world, and this ballad might be amazing in the hands of a true powerhouse vocalist. Whilst it's definitely one of the more melodic ballads, it doesn't make enough of an impact on first listen, but it is a grower.
Hook: "Any other guy would do".
RESULT: Out. Pity.

9. Finland
Pernilla
"När Jag Blundar".
A rather lovely little waltzy ballad, there's little memorable about this one, but it's definitely at worst a pleasant distraction.
Hook: Erm... The cello? She's singing in Swedish, but it sounds like she says "fucked up" in the chorus.
RESULT: Out. Too forgettable.

10. Israel
Izabo
"Time".
Much like last year's Serbian entry, this captures that '60s Carnaby Street vibe, but with a sprinkling of '90s Britpop. In other words, it's as irritating as it is catchy. Which is very.
Hook: "Zman-man, ten li rak siman-man". Which is ironic for a song mostly in English.
RESULT: Out.

11. San Marino
Valentina Monetta
"The Social Network Song".
Originally titled "Facebook", this had to be re-recorded for breaching rules about advertising trademarked names. So "Facebook" was replaced with "Woah-oh"s and "hello"s, but I can't say the song has suffered any, as it was pretty dreadful to begin with. Valentina's inept vocals are smothered in auto tune and she's clearly at least double the age of the character she appears to be playing in a song full of cheap innuendo. Inappropriate, creepy, cheesy and just plain wrong.
Hook: "Woo-hoo, woah-oh-oh. Everybody loves you so."
RESULT: Out. A no-brainer.

12. Cyprus
Ivi Adamou
"La, La, Love".
One of the strongest tracks this year, it's a real club-thumping stomper of a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a Rihanna album. Deserves to be a huge chart hit.
Hook: "Oh I'll be waiting for this la la la-la-la-la-la la la la-la-la-la-la la love".
RESULT: Through. Fantastic news!

13. Denmark
Soluna Samay
"Should've Known Better".
This mid-tempo acoustic ballad is instantly catchy. Think Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", and you'll be in the ball park. It's only let down a little by the mid-section when the rather lovely chorus wanders away, and a very silly costume that makes the female singer look like a toy soldier.
Hook: "Now I miss you, like Sahara misses rain".
RESULT: Through. Hooray!

14. Russia
Buranovskiye Babushki
"Party For Everybody".
Ask most people in the UK what they expect from Eurovision, and this will likely be what springs to mind. Several Russian grannies in traditional costume, it begins promisingly with a Lion King-like chant, but it soon deteriorates out of nowhere into an excruciating pop-Cossack crossover that you will NOT get out of your head. But in a very bad way. UK voters will love it, in a rubbernecking-a-car-crash kind of way.
Hook: "Dance, come on and dance, come on and party for everybody, dance."
RESULT: Through. Unfortunately predictable.

15. Hungary
Compact Disco
"Sound Of Our Hearts".
My personal favourite of this year's ballads, the production reminds me a lot of Madonna's "The Power of Good-bye". Some might consider it bland, generic and over-familiar, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Hook: "This is the sound of our hearts, if you listen".
RESULT: Through. Probably the biggest surprise, but richly deserved.

16. Austria
Trackshittaz
"Woki Mit Deim Popo".
With the "w" pronounced as a "v" this sounds like an inappropriate usage of faeces, but I'm reliably informed it translates as "shake your backside". As rap entries go, this one is infuriatingly catchy. The chorus is hugely memorable and the insistent beat is somewhat infectious. It's absolutely terrible, of course, and yet I can't help but smile and chant along every time.
Hook: "Woki mit dem popo, woki mit dem OOH! OOH!"
RESULT: Out. Quite a surprise, actually.

17. Moldova
Pasha Parfeny
"Lăutar".
An odd title for a song in English (it's a type of musician) this is one of those Eurovision songs that would never ever chart in the UK, yet would get votes from UK audience for its novelty factor. Whilst it doesn't even make my top 30 it does have a certain inexplicable appeal.
Hook: "This trumpet makes you mine, girl".
RESULT: Through. Probably the biggest surprise of the results.

18. Ireland
Jedward
"Waterline"
They're back. Let's face it, last year's Irish entry, "Lipstick" was pure genius. 5 seconds in, it was stuck in your head. This is a far more generic pop-rock song and its lack of gimmicks make it much less memorable. But it's Jedward, so they will find some way to stick in people's minds, as the song surely won't.
Hook: "I am close to the waterline".
RESULT: Through. The last to be revealed, too. Congrats to the brothers Grimes.

The Voice UK - Live Show 4 - Jessie Vs Danny, round two

Team Jessie with Jessie J- We Are Young (Fun feat Janelle Monae).
Having to replay because Jessie's mic wasn't on, we eventually got to hear her struggling to reach the low notes we couldn't hear. None of her team did any better, and it was overall a tuneless car crash, rather than the rousing harmonious song it should be.

TEAM DANNY O'DONOGHUE
1. Max Milner - The Black Horse & The Cherry Tree (KT Tunstall).
Things started off nicely, with his acoustic playing and the loop machine that I remember Daithi using to such great effect in Must Be The Music. But that went out the window and he went a bit rappy and growly and less singy and rather unpleasant. Oh dear.

TEAM JESSIE J
2. Cassius Henry - Turning Tables (Adele).
He was standing on a turning table. See what Jessie did there? And she has the nerve to criticise others' visual choices. Anyway, Cassius's vocals were very strong, and far more suited to this song than last week's. He overdid the runs a bit, but I have no doubt Jessie would have pushed him in that direction.

TEAM DANNY
3. Bo Bruce - Love The Way You Lie (Rihanna).
Bo doesn't have the belter of a voice that I would expect on this song, and it definitely showed her limits. But she does have an Alex Parks vibe that I like, rather than a Diana Vickers one, so I kind of liked it. Kind of.

TEAM JESSIE
4. Vince Kidd - Your Love Is My Love (Whitney Houston).
Dressed like Brian Harvey on an 18-30, Vince gave it a more of a reggae vibe that worked fine, and for once he didn't oversing too much. He tried, but pulled back when the song didn't lend itself to it. Not quite the car crash I was expecting.

TEAM DANNY
5. Aleks Josh - Better Together (Jack Johnson).
There's sedate, easy performances, and then there's keeping your hands in your pockets. There's laidback, and then there's a bit dull. I couldn't fault his vocals, but it hardly kept me awake.

TEAM JESSIE
6. Becky Hill - Seven Nation Army (The White Stripes).
We get a marvellous moment when Becky forgets her lyrics and mouths "FUCK" at the camera. At 7.26pm on Saturday prime time BBC TV. Last week, she walked as she sang. This week, she walked as she sang. It was just as dull as Aleks, but in a very different way. Her vocals were okay, but unsuited to this terrible choice of song.

TEAM DANNY
7. David Julien - She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5).
I thought this would be a great song choice, but it ended up sounding like a bad Matt Cardle impression. Very disappointing.

TEAM JESSIE
8. Toni Warne - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (Elton John).
Toni has an amazing voice, and had the potential to nail that song. Instead, she started well before opting for the eye-rolling screeching approach.

Team Danny with Danny O'Donoghue - Somebody That I Used To Know (Gotye).
Now THAT is how you do a group number. Loved the staging, loved the vocals. Some of the harmonies were a bit off, and Danny was the weak link, but overall rather excellent.

RESULTS

TEAM JESSIE
The viewers save Vince.
Jessie saves Becky.
So it's goodbye to Toni (thankfully, though gracious in defeat) and Cassius (who completely threw his toys out of the pram).

TEAM DANNY
The viewers save Bo.
Danny saves Max. I'd have said he was the weakest of the four.
So it's goodbye to David (a shame) and Aleks (more toys out of pram).

American Idol - Week 12 - Semi Final.

ROUND ONE: Judges' picks.

1. Joshua Ledet - I'd Rather Go Blind (Etta James).
Keeping things amazingly restrained for as long as he could, he more than made up for it in the second half. Hellish.

2. Jessica Sanchez - My All (Mariah Carey).
Demonstrating a very impressive lower register (not to mention the high too), she easily sang this better than Mariah, who opts to part-whisper, part-bellow instead. She kept the showboating down to an absolute zero, especially compared to Joshua's turning it up to 11, and sounded so much better for it.

3. Phillip Phillips - Beggin' (Madcon).
Hearing an acoustic/bongos version of this song was certainly a novelty, and he traversed the song's melody nicely, giving it his own twist rather than indulging himself. A bizarre choice for his gravelly voice though.

ROUND TWO: Contestants' own picks.

1. Joshua - Imagine (John Lennon).
How. Fucking. DARE. He.

2. Jessica - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing (Aerosmith).
After singing it pretty much note-perfect (with a slight tweak of the melody), she suddenly hit a big, massive note at the end that went a bit all over the place. Uh-oh. The judges didn't seem to notice though.

3. Phillip - Disease (Matchbox 20).
Acoustic, with bongos. Sigh. Whatever it did in the first 5 seconds is pretty much all it did. Yawn.

ROUND THREE: Jimmy Iovine's picks.

1. Joshua - No More Drama (Mary J. Blige).
I have run out of things to say, in the same way Joshua has run out of ways to interpret songs. I'm hoping the title proves prophetic.

2. Jessica - I'll Be There (Jackson 5).
I've also run out of things to say about Jessica, as "vocally perfect" gets repetitive. Unlike Randy, I'm loving the absence of runs.

3. Phillip - We've Got Tonight (Bob Seger).
Something about this song brought a gorgeous, soulful tone I've never heard before. Behind that growl is a beautiful singer. Wow, consider me impressed. Performance of the night by a mile.

RESULTS
Through to the final are...

Jessica Sanchez
and...
Phillip Phillips

It's a genuinely pleasant surprise, as I expected a Joshua/Phillip showdown. Oh, how happy I am to be wrong. Which means we FINALLY say goodbye to the screeching of Joshua Ledet!!!! My heart is actually racing in excitement! He "treats" us to another dry-eyed "emotional" rendition of "It's A Man's Man's Man's World". Whatever. Ding! Dong! The witch is dead!

The Voice UK - Live Show 3 - Will Vs Tom, round two

TEAM TOM JONES
1. Leanne Mitchell - I Put A Spell On You (Nina Simone).
Dressing and styling her like Adele was probably not an unwise move, and this was a great song choice because it lent itself far more easily to her runs and trills, and she got to show off her voice's tremendous range and power without being anywhere near excruciating. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't buy that version but as a performance on a vocal talent show, it was superb.

TEAM WILL.I.AM
2. Frances Wood - Show Me Love (Robyn S).
Opening with a long note that didn't sound as great as she seemed to think, her vocals were very affected and she's overdoing the "yeah"s to the point of major irritation. At least she mostly stuck to the melody. Mostly.

Holly asks the band how they feel. They play the opening chords of Under Pressure. The subtitles read "ICE ICE BABY". How very dare they.

TEAM TOM
3. Matt and Sueleen - Missing (Everything But The Girl).
Giving the song a Gipsy Kings arrangement was an interesting idea, but they did affect the melody almost beyond recognition, and not for the better. The vocals were pretty much on-pitch though, and I liked the back-to-back park bench staging, but I don't think they have a future in this competition.

TEAM WILL
4. Joelle Moses - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) (Kelly Clarkson).
I preferred her original choice of Celine Dion's I Surrender, and felt this was more of a cheap cop-out. Not that she sang it badly, although the bridge was a little sharp/pitchy. She didn't deserve her bottom two placing last week, but this week has taken a step backwards. Very disappointing.

TEAM TOM
5. Ruth Brown - Next To Me (Emeli Sandé).
Yikes. I hated the way she chewed indecipherably over the lyrics in the opening bars, but then it got worse as she mistook bellowing for singing. Indulgent and painful. The Voice UK has its very own Joshua Ledet.

TEAM WILL
6. Tyler James - Sign Your Name (Terence Trent D'Arby).
Considering how much I hated Tyler in the earlier stages, he's now made it two for two performances that I've loved. I could have done without the trills, and maybe a little less of the falsetto, but the good more than compensated for the bad.

TEAM TOM
7. Adam Isaac - High and Dry (Radiohead).
Thom Yorke's vocals are a mighty task to take on, and he looked visibly terrified. Although he far from put his own stamp on the song, he pulled it off brilliantly.

TEAM WILL
8. Jaz Ellington - Just The Way You Are/Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel/Bruno Mars).
It started off nicely, then he lost some timing when the second song kicked in. Unfortunately, it was downhill from there. His lower register showed its limits and his improvised runs were terrible. Not for me.

Team Tom (with Tom Jones) - Hit The Road Jack (Ray Charles).
Their harmonies were very good. Suspiciously so. And in fact, nobody stood out in a bad way. If only Idol group songs were this good.

Team Will (with Will.I.Am) - I Got A Woman (Ray Charles)/Gold Digger (KanYe West/Jamie Foxx)/Just Can't Get Enough (The Black Eyed Peas).
A less successful group performance. Leaving Tyler to do most of the work, they didn't bother trying to harmonise, and the mash-up was oddly tedious.

RESULTS
TEAM TOM
The viewers save Ruth. Ugh.
Tom saves Leanne.
So it's goodbye to Matt & Sueleen (whatever) and Adam (awwww.)

TEAM WILL
The viewers save Jaz. Ugh.
Will saves Tyler. A no-brainer.
So it's goodbye to Frances (hooray!) and Joelle (a shame, but she's no star, despite the big voice.)

RESULTS
TEAM TOM
The viewers save Ruth. Ugh.
Tom saves Leanne.
So it's goodbye to Matt & Sueleen (whatever) and Adam (awwww.)

TEAM WILL
The viewers save Jaz. Ugh.
Will saves Tyler. A no-brainer.
So it's goodbye to Frances (hooray!) and Joelle (a shame, but she's no star, despite the big voice.)

American Idol 2012 - Week 11 - California Dreaming/Songs they wish they'd written.

Sorry, couldn't think how to abbreviate that second one.

1. Phillip Phillips - Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (Creedence Clearwater Revival).
Surprisingly poppy and mainstream (by Phillip's standards, anyway) and I actually quite enjoyed it. Maybe he's playing it safe now that the final is in sight, and if it's making the likes of me stop complaining about him, then I don't blame him.

2. Hollie Cavanagh - Faithfully (Journey).
Blimey this song sounds like The Winner Takes It All at times, though this lacks a decent chorus. Hollie didn't start great but owned the song by the end, and her last 30 seconds or so were amazing.

3. Joshua Ledet - You Raise Me Up (Secret Garden/Josh Groban).
"I'm in the top 40, it's ridiculous!", says Joshua. Quite. He avoided the hairballs this week, but he came closer to his trademark hacking than he did to the song's melody. Sigh.

4. Jessica Sanchez - Steal Away (Etta James).
Looks like Jessica has fallen into the Joshua trap, hacking up a few hairballs herself. However, hers sounded in tune as the jazzy song lends itself to that form of singing a way that You Raise Me Up most certainly does not. Plus it demonstrated another side to her voice that we haven't heard before, proving she's no one trick pony.

Phillip & Joshua - This Love (Maroon 5).
You can't keep a good song down, even with Joshua and Phillip attacking it. As is becoming increasingly evident, the performers aren't given as much free reign to put their stamp on the duets, and they and the song sound better as a result- particularly where this two are concerned. More so with Phillip, of course.

Hollie & Jessica - Eternal Flame (Bangles).
Hollie definitely came off second best here, but their voices blended nicely, even if they didn't connect as well onstage.

Adam Shankman drops by to show clips from forthcoming movie Rock of Ages. If it's anything like the stage show, it's going to be excruciatingly bad. But he directed Hairspray, so fingers crossed he spotted something I didn't.
There's apparently some sort of history between Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough. I have no idea to what they were alluding, but literally couldn't care less.

Top 4 - Waiting For A Girl Like You (Foreigner).
Surprisingly, it was the girls whose harmonies sounded off this time, but it was quite poor overall.

5. Phillip Phillips - Volcano (Damien Rice).
Not much to the song, not much to the performance, but it felt authentic and true.

6. Hollie Cavangh - I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt).
Hollie, by contrast, takes a simple song and makes it BIG. She sang it very well, but I'd have preferred an acoustic version, as Phillip did, as the emotion was lost, yet again.

7. Joshua Ledet - It's A Man's Man's Man's World (James Brown).
Hearing that Joshua was about to tackle a James Brown song terrified me to my very core, before I even knew what the song was. It lived up to expectations. And then some. Horrible. What about that performance that surprised the judges bemuses me. "If you want to know what singing is really about, and emotion ... watch Joshua". You mean that tear-free blank expression on Joshua's face? No, Randy, I think YOU need to start watching some Adele. Or wait another ten minutes.

8. Jessica Sanchez - And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going (Jennifer Holliday).
I've never really been a fan of this song, and even Jennifer Hudson's Oscar-winning performance of this in Dreamgirls was for me one of the most embarrassing moments in cinema history. But as a vocal showcase, it's a tough one to beat, if you get it right. Jessica hasn't changed my mind on that song, but she unquestionably got it very very right. It's basically somebody shouting it you, but it's supposed to be, and her teary eyes told you all you needed to know.

RESULTS SHOW

Top 4 - California Dreaming (Mamas and the Papas)
More of a California Nightmare. I don't know why these group performances rarely work, but they rarely do.

David Cook gives a decent live performance that demonstrated borh why he won, and why he isn't a megastar.
J-Lo, on the other hand, lip-synced her way through a performance that demonstrated her opinion as a judge as valuable as mine.

Hollie goes home, but not before an adequate encore of The Climb.
Considering Hollie made it to the Green Mile stages last year, advised to give it a year or two to come back, it's a shame she didn't do an Alexandra Burke and wait two, as she'd have probably done even better next year.

The Voice UK - Live Show 2 - Jessie Vs Danny, round one.

TEAM JESSIE J
1. Toni Warne - Proud Mary (Ike & Tina Turner).
Delivering some very affected vocals that weren't to my taste, Toni certainly hit every note she aimed for, but I found it all a bit shrill.

TEAM DANNY O'DONOGHUE
2. Max Milner - Free Fallin' (Tom Petty).
Whilst his vocals had a nice vulnerability, his melodic decisions took some of the impact out of the song. It was competent, but a bit dull.

TEAM JESSIE
3. Ruth-Ann St. Luce - Promise This (Cheryl Cole).
Jessie has a lot to prove here, as Ruth-Ann was dreadful in both her audition and her battle. Choosing a Cheryl Cole song was wise, as nobody will come off second best by comparison. Well, in reality it was a mixed bag. There were a few notes that sounded amazing, but quite a few more that had me reaching for earplugs. Out come the "considering you're only 18" excuses from the coaches. It's a resounding "no" from me.

TEAM DANNY
4. Hannah Berney - Cry Me A River/Cry Me A River (Ella Fitzgerald/Justin Timberlake).
A cheap decision from Danny. Hannah's voice deserves a lot better and ended up drowned out in production. Ironically, they were probably the strongest vocals so far but this may have cost her votes. Out comes the word "brave". Uh-oh. Jessie criticises Danny's choice of dancers, something she did last week. Great, she's going to be one of THOSE judges. *COUGH* Louis Walsh *COUGH*

TEAM JESSIE
5. Vince Kidd - Always On My Mind (Elvis Presley).
I didn't have a problem with his hip-hop-lite arrangement, it was his horrific trills, runs and yodels that made this so excruciating. There's "making it your own" and then there's pissing all over it. Hated, hated, HATED it.

TEAM DANNY
6. Aleks Josh - Dream A Little Dream Of Me (Mama Cass).
It was a bit of a Bublé impression, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not a fan of the double bass, but his vocals were nicely smooth and he certainly did the song justice.

TEAM JESSIE
7. Cassius Henry - Paradise (Coldplay).
This song is a real anthem; one that gets the crowd going, an opportunity for a singalong. Cassius basically took all of that out of the song and as a result proved he is completely out if his depth. It was great in theory, but disappointing in practice, as he clearly doesn't understand what makes that song special. The guy is talented, but it was a dreadful misfit of a song choice.

TEAM DANNY
8. David Julien - Sweet Disposition (Temper Trap).
The very tough vocals weren't flawless, but still excellent. The staging worked nicely, and he worked it and the crowd in exactly the way Cassius didn't. My favourite performance so far.

TEAM JESSIE
9. Becky Hill - Good Luck (Basement Jaxx).
Sounding far more impressive in the rehearsals than it did onstage, she put a lot into her performance, but seemed to be feeding off the audience reaction, rather than the song itself, resulting in her grinning inanely whilst singing angry rants. Bizarre. There's a smoky tone to her voice that I do like, though, and will hopefully be used to better effect in a future, better, song choice.

TEAM DANNY
10. Bo Bruce - Running Up That Hill (Kate Bush).
Placing her rendition somewhere between the Kate Bush and Placebo versions, Bo has one of those character voices, as opposed to a belter. It didn't set my world alight, but given the emotion she'd attached to the song, she did remarkably well not to break down.

RESULTS

TEAM JESSIE
Bottom two: Toni and Ruth-Ann.
I'd rather have seen Vince in the bottom over Toni, but Ruth-Ann definitely deserved to go.
Jessie saves Toni. At last, Jessie's taken the hint (or seen the blatantly obvious) about Ruth-Ann.

TEAM DANNY
Bottom two: Max and Hannah.
Danny has a far stronger team than Jessie, so it's more a case of the other three being stronger than these two under-performing.
Danny saves Max.

American Idol 2012 - Week 10 - 1960s/Britpop

1. Hollie Cavanagh - River Deep, Mountain High (Tina Turner)
Hollie is definitely choosing the right time to blossom. Her vocals were pretty flawless and she's starting to own the stage. She's by no means an electrifying performer, but is improving.

2. Phillip Phillips - The Letter (The Box Tops)
It's becoming increasingly irrelevant which song Phillip chooses each week as he pretty much turns them all into the same song. This one becomes unrecognisable as The Letter at 33rpm, but certainly recognisable as Phillip.

3. Skylar Laine - Fortunate Son (Creedence Clearwater Revival)
Very much in her natural comfort zone, especially given it wasn't her first choice, Skylar performed her way through that like a complete pro. Definitely the best so far.

Phillip & Joshua - You've Lost That Feelin' (Righteous Brothers)
Not a natural pairing, but it worked surprisingly well. Phillip clearly had no say in the arrangement, so it sounded mostly like it should have. Obviously, Joshua took the breakdown as his opportunity to screech. An odd moment at the end when Phillip tried to put a celebratory arm around Joshua and he flinched away. I can't say it disproved the argument that the biggest homophobes are closet cases. What a fucking arsehole.

4. Jessica Sanchez - Proud Mary (Ike and Tina Turner)
Glad to see Jessica throwing in some of the rocker hairography she omitted last week, even if it lacked a little commitment. The vocals were great, and she achieved that rough edge the song requires. Randy's right that she didn't quite channel Tina enough, in which case it's best to just avoid this song, rather than pale by comparison.

5. Joshua Ledet - Ain't Too Proud to Beg (The Temptations)
Whereas Jessica added just an edge of rough to her vocals, Joshua went all out and give me a sore throat just listening to the growly screeching on just about every high note. Ugh. Again.

Hang on, did Randy Jackson just say that RnB is what's missing from the US charts? Seriously? As opposed to what, exactly?

1. Hollie Cavanagh - Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis)
Ok, so Britpop clearly means something different to Americans from what it means to us Brits. Ironic, given Hollie's British heritage but hey, she took a big ballad and delivered it in spades, without sounding like a Leona Lewis copycat in the process. Some impressive notes were hit there.

2. Phillip Phillips - Time of the Season (The Zombies)
It turns out when he keeps a song at its original melody and tempo, he's just as tedious.

Hollie, Jessica & Skylar performed together on Higher and Higher, showcasing all three girls as great vocalists. Not much else to report there.

3. Skylar Laine - You Don't Have to Say You Love Me (Dusty Springfield)
Pushing her vocals to their very limits, she just about made it through this one. Some of her melody changes sounded great without being indulgent. Overall, a good job.

4. Jessica Sanchez - So Beautiful (Joe Cocker)
It's amazing how someone can do so much whilst doing so little. She kept it simple, hit every note and didn't feel the need to go for big runs, opting to hold her notes which always sounds better and far more impressive.

5. Joshua Ledet - To Love Somebody (Bee Gees)
The first half was surprisingly good. Nicely controlled, an appealing vocal tone, on the melody. Then the second half kicked in and it was pure Joshua and all that implies. The judges are out of their fucking minds if they think this guy will be a star.

RESULTS
The bottom two are revealed to be Hollie and Skylar.
Skylar Laine goes home, but not before one last reprise of Gunpowder and Lead to demonstrate that the show has lost its last remaining performer.
Oh well, onward to the inevitable, wrist-slashing prospect of a Phillip/Joshua final.

The Voice UK - Live Show 1 - Tom Vs Will, round one.

TEAM WILL.I.AM
1. Joelle Moses - I'm Goin' Down (Mary J Blige).
What a way to start the show! Joelle handled the song brilliantly, in a way that was almost indistinguishable from what Mary herself would have done. Not something I always mean as a compliment, but here I do.

TEAM TOM JONES
2. Sam Buttery - A Little Respect (Erasure).
It's the male Amy Lamé! Taking on one my all-time favourite songs is going to make me picky. He clearly has the voice to do this song justice, but his choice to show case his "personality" over his voice cost him dearly in my eyes (or, rather, ears). Not terrible, but a wasted opportunity.

TEAM WILL
3. Frances Wood - Ain't Nobody (Rufus & Chaka Khan).
A dodgy first line made me fear the worst, but she actually did a decent job. Her voice had a tone that wasn't to my taste, and as ad libs go, oh "yeah oh yeah"s rarely get me excited. But she's definitely improved since her audition.

TEAM TOM
4. Adam Isaac - All My Life (Foo Fighters).
As the song began, he looked absolutely terrified but eased into it a little as the band kicked in. I'm not convinced he has the right, meaty voice for this song, even though he could reach the notes. But there's something about him I like, and let's face it you'd never hear THAT on X Factor or Idol. Blimey, he can talk though.

TEAM WILL
5. Jaz Ellington - At Last (Ella Fitzgerald).
This song is a reality show favourite, but I'm not sure I've ever heard a man sing it like that. He did overdo the runs a little for my tastes, but at least they sounded good, unlike American Idol's Joshua.

TEAM TOM
6. Leanne Mitchell - Who Knew (P!nk).
Uh oh, dissent in the ranks. She didn't want to do this song, so who was right? Well, she performed it like it was a Eurovision ballad, missing both the anger and the vulnerability. Anyone compared to P!nk's vocals is automatically going to come out second best in my books, but she has my favourite voice so far. She needs to hone her performance skills though.

TEAM WILL
7. Sophie Griffin - Titanium (David Guetta feat. Sia).
Pitchy, off-key, call it what you will, a lot of that was out of tune. Whilst it did occasionally sound great, she's clearly not quite ready, although that was quite a mighty task to take on. When judges keep repeating your age, that you're live, that your family are proud, rather than "you sounded great", you know something's gone wrong.

TEAM TOM
8. Matt & Sueleen - Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac).
Matt sounded great. Sueleen not so much. She was harmonising when singing solo, so it sounded odd. Together, it worked a lot better and ended up rather good.

TEAM WILL
9. Tyler James - Higher Love (Stevie Winwood).
I don't really get Tyler, and I wasn't a huge fan of Amy Winehouse either. In the auditions, his falsetto sounded off-key and desperate. But I thought that performance sounded fantastic, and it was mostly in falsetto. His vocal control was very impressive. Consider me won over.

TEAM TOM
10. Ruth Brown - Get Here (Oleta Adams).
I found Ruth's voice very affected and her timing and singing style was a strange, almost spoken delivery with final held-out notes. It actually reminded me of the way Whitney Houston would sing live. Which is both a good and bad thing, but I'm inferring the latter.

RESULTS
TEAM TOM
Bottom two: Sam and Matt & Sueleen
Tom saves Matt & Sueleen, so it's goodbye to Mr Personality. Much as I'd love to root for the fat gay man, it was the right result.

TEAM WILL
Bottom two: Joelle and Sophie
Will saves Joelle. A no-brainer if ever there was one. So it's goodbye to Sophie.

American Idol 2012 - Week 9 - Queen / own choice

Things kicked off with the final six performing a Queen medley, joined by Brian May and Roger Taylor. You can clearly feel the reverence in the room as they all set the standard pretty high, and nobody opted to showboat, they just performed the songs respectfully- and sounded all the better for it. Fortunately, it set the tone of the show, and it was right up my street.

1. Jessica Sanchez - Bohemian Rhapsody.
Opting for another untouchable song, her vocals were perfect, as usual, with only seems to highlight further her lack of stage presence. Agree with J-Lo (maybe Hell has frozen over) that Jessica could have rocked out a bit more, but it would be nit-picking to criticise that performance.

2. Skylar Laine - The Show Must Go On.
Skylar, on the other hand, does have the stage presence. She sold that song with the requisite sincerity and has the vocals to match. It wasn't perfect, and some of her "runs" sounded uncharacteristically unplanned and clunky, but it came very close to giving her a "moment".

3. Joshua Ledet - Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
I just plain don't like Joshua's voice. The ending was excruciating. There was no musicality on display, the performance being all diva sass, rather than that hip jive vibe. Ugh.

4. Elise Testone - I Want It All.
It began off-key, but improved a little. This should have seen Elise in her element, but I was left a bit wanting. I must admit she has crept up and up in my esteem, and I feel my expectations of her are possibly too high. But she is a natural musician, no doubt.

5. Phillip Phillips - Fat Bottomed Girls.
The biggest shock came when he performed this at (almost) the correct tempo. Clearly pushing his vocals to their limit, I was waiting for the vein on his forehead to pop. As PP performances go, it was definitely one of his best. Whatever Randy says.

6. Hollie Cavanagh - Save Me.
A strange choice, as it's not one of their most familiar songs, but it's lyrically appropriate. Overall it was a bit meh, when she could have blown our socks off with something like Who Wants To Live Forever. Oh well.

Which brings us to the return of the comedy VT. Moving on...

7. Jessica Sanchez - Dance With My Father (Luther Vandross).
One of those emotionally devastating songs (if you're in the right mood), and definitely a great choice for Jessica's voice. I can't say she connected enough emotionally for me to feel it as much as I usually do, but still pretty flawless.

8. Skylar Laine - Tattoos On This Town (Jason Aldean).
Back in her country vein, she was competently comfortable, but the song redefined bland. It may not have gotten me too excited, but she is a natural when in her comfort zone.

9. Joshua Ledet - Ready For Love (India Arie).
The first half was rather nice, avoiding the excruciating sounds of his first song and then... Oh, there they are. Just as I was on the verge of liking it.

10. Elise Testone - Bold As Love (Jimi Hendrix).
Quite a talky song, so it's a strange choice for a singing competition. Did nothing for me, but she clearly enjoyed herself.

11. Phillip Phillips - The Stone (Dave Matthews Band).
I don't know what the Hell that was, but never want to hear it again. By him or by anybody.

12. Hollie Cavanagh - The Climb (Miley Cyrus).
Perfectly suited to her, and she hit every note perfectly. Still lacked emotion, though she's definitely improving on that front.

RESULTS SHOW
Katy Perry pays a (no doubt unintentional) tribute to Madonna, donning her American Life fatigues for a rather out-of-breath rendition of Part of Me. We also see last year's Stefano return to prove he has clearly learned nothing in the last 12 months.

The bottom three are Elise, Hollie and Skylar. Inevitably, Elise goes home, but not before a reprise of her crowning glory, Whole Lotta Love.

American Idol 2012 - Week 8 - Post-Millennium & Soul Train

1. Hollie Cavanagh - Rolling in the Deep (Adele)
One of her strongest performances yet, she was pretty close to perfect on a very tough song.

2. Colton Dixon - Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
It was an interesting idea to rock this up, and I can imagine a full-length version of this kicking some serious arse. Unfortunately, the edit used here was a little bit all over the place. Still very, very good, however.

3. Elise Testone - No One (Alicia Keys)
I don't like this song (by which I mean I fucking HATE this song) and can't say Elise did anything to change that. Bits of it were excruciating, but then so is the original.

4. Phillip Phillips - U Got It Bad (Usher)
Taking an urban song and making sound like a folksy Eurovision song is no bad thing. It didn't set my world on fire, but the guy clearly is a talented musician, and have to agree with Randy's point that he's a "true artist". It's certainly one of his better reinterpretations.

5. Jessica Sanchez - Fallin' (Alicia Keys)
Having to prove the judges were right to have saved her, she pulls out one of the big guns. By her standards, it was safe. By which I mean perfect, but dull.

6. Skylar Laine - Born This Way (Lady Gaga)
Needless to say she opted for the country version, and, surprisingly, it wasn't great. The lower register sounded out of her range and the upper bits were shouty. Hmmmm.

7. Joshua Ledet - I Believe (Fantasia)
I was so ready to hate this and so didn't. (Mostly.) Again, agree with Randy for commending him on holding back. THAT is the performance I've been waiting to see and hear from Joshua. A giant leap in the right direction, as long as I overlook that he still hacked up a few hairballs.

8. Hollie Cavanagh - Son of a Preacher Man (Dusty Springfield)
Blimey, Liverpool FC! Even I'm impressed. More near-flawless vocals, more inexperienced performance. She's improving, but not fast enough.

9. Colton Dixon - September (Earth, Wind & Fire)
Turning a disco classic into a OneRepublic-esque ballad worked surprisingly well. He even managed to make "ba-de-yah" sound sincere. But why? Why? WHY? A wasted opportunity, I fear.

10. Elise Tesone - Let's Get It On (Marvin Gaye)
This is the side of Elise that I like. Clearly in her element once more, she was effortless in this song and the musicality dripped from her fingertips. Definitely the best performance tonight. JLo picked a very odd time to attack Elise's stage presence.

11. Phillip Phillips - In The Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett)
Probably on a par with Elise's last performance when it comes to sincerity and (a more awkward form of) musicality, and yet his growly vocals still did very little for me. He really is this year's Scotty.

As pleased as I am to see the under-rated former Idol Kris Allen, I was far more excited to see the awesome John "Walter 'Fringe' Bishop" Noble sat behind him. #geekout

12. Jessica Sanchez - Try A Little Tenderness (Otis Redding)
This is one of those showboating songs that requires great vocals, but rarely impresses due to its overfamiliarity. Case in point.

13. Skylar Laine - Heard It Through The Grapevine (Marvin Gaye)
It's not me, it's you. Skylar's just not doing it for me tonight. I actively hated this. Not only the worst tonight, but her worst to date.

14. Joshua Ledet - A Change Is Gonna Come (Sam Cooke)
Ah. There's the Joshua I know and hate. Bored bored bored. I KNOW this guy can sing but these aren't "goosies", they're hackles.

RESULTS SHOW
The dodgy group number is back, this week it's Dancing in the Street. For some reason Jessica's mic is turned down to almost off and Skylar still sounds terrible, whilst Colton and Joshua's voices actually blend rather well and Elsie sounds great.

2009 Idol champion Kris Allen did a decent job with what he made sound like an impossible song to sing (The Vision of Love), whilst LMFAO did everything they could to distract you from their abysmal vocals on an even worse song (Sorry For Party Rocking).

The bottom three are revealed to be Hollie (again), Elise (again) and, for the first time, Colton. To be fair, he's getting a bit big for his boots so kind of glad he's had a dragging down to earth. But not enough for him to actually leave, which is the unfortunate scenario we now face. I almost wish they'd let Jessica go home last week instead, but he's clearly going to have a huge career outside of Idol. To prove it, he reprises Everything, the only Idol performance of his I didn't like, and does it brilliantly. Gutted.

American Idol 2012 - Week 7 - 2010s

1. Skylar Laine - Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You (Kellie Pickler)
Skylar performed that like it was the winner's single, throwing all of her emotion into it and stretching her voice to its limits, but in a very, very good way.

2. Colton Dixon - Love The Way You Lie (Skylar Grey/Eminem & Rihanna)
For a man to pull off a song with such a large range that was written for a female vocal is impressive indeed. No bells and whistles, no showboating, no screeching. Just respect for the song, and a great delivery.

Again with the duets.
First up, Phillip and Elise do "a Gotye track" and surprise everybody by choosing "Somebody That I Used To Know". It was evidently Elise's choice, if Phillip's stropping is anything to go by. As it turns out, it wasn't a great choice as the song suited neither of them, let alone both of them.

3. Jessica Sanchez - Stuttering (Jazmine Sullivan)
Back in her comfort zone of ballads, I don't know the song, but it sounded absolutely perfect to me.

4. Joshua Ledet - Runaway Baby (Bruno Mars)
I felt his moves were a bit cringe-inducing, but at least he's trying something new. He managed to get a few of his trademark screeches in, but it wasn't his usual car crash. I heard the first duff notes of the night though.

Duet #2 sees Colton and Skylar reunite for Kelly Clarkson & Jason Aldean's Don't You Wanna Stay. Apparently people think they're dating, although it appeared to me more like that's what they're hoping people will think. Colton had the vocal edge as Skylar's harmonies sounded a little off, but they do make a good team.

5. Hollie Cavanagh - (F***in') Perfect (P!nk)
I flat-out adore this song, and quite liked (though certainly didn't prefer) Hollie's slowed-down interpretation. Surprised by the judges' muted reaction as the vocals were phenomenal. No it wasn't [hesitates] "perfect", but yes it was a huge improvement on last week.

6. Phillip Phillips - Give A Little More (Maroon 5)
What is it with Phillip and slowing songs down to a near dirge? The original has a similar vibrancy to Moves Like Jagger, and this was more of a mellow jam. Ironically, the more the band kicked in, the closer to 33rph it felt. Phillip actually managed to fall below Joshua for me this week. Yawn.

Joshua and Hollie are joined by Jessica for Kelly Clarkson's What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger) for the final triet. Jessica sounded inexplicably awful, Joshua was mostly tolerable (until the end) and Hollie looked a bit lost. Oh dear.

7. Elise Testone - You and I (Lady Gaga)
It's a pretty dreadful song, but a good one for a show like this, as it's an excellent vocal showcase. And it showed Elise to be an excellent, if not perfect vocalist. Had this been last week I'd have said she's on a roll, but I'm not sure if it was strong enough to save her after last week.

RESULTS SHOW

We're treated to a familiarly shambolic performance from the remaining contestants. P!nk's awesome Raise Your Glass got the "honour" of being massacred this week. Elise, WTF was that?

Last year's rocker James Durbin performed a song- possibly the heaviest track from an Idol contestant yet. But just poppy enough for me to find rather catchy, so no doubt will alienate his target audience.

Another Idol alum, Jennifer Hudson, performed a rather disposable duet with Ne-Yo. But it's worth her visit if only to remind us why the judges' save was created.

Back to agreeing with Jimmy Iovine again this week. Mostly.

The bottom three are a total shock.
Elise (okay, not that much of a shock), Joshua (I literally punched the air in delight), and Jessica (W.T.F????????)

And we say goodbye to... Jessica!?!?!?! Well, no we don't, as she's barely two lines into her "Save Me" song and the judges storm the stage in outrage to announce they're using their save. For quite possibly the first time EVER, it was used correctly. Phew. Next week promises to be exciting stuff!!!