American Idol 2013

Jennifer Lopez and Steve Tyler have left the competition as judges, and they've been replaced by two of my least favourite artists- Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. As a result, I probably won't be watching the next season(s). Not that I was a particular fan of anybody who's gone, but I have less than zero interest in what the two newbies have to say about anything. So apologies in advance.

The X Factor 2012 - Week 5 - Number Ones (allegedly)

So Lucy Spraggan is out. I expect her album to reappear on iTunes in 3.. 2.. 1... Well, she'd better act fast, whilst we still remember who she is.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Rylan Clark - Hung Up [Madonna - UK #1]/Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) [ABBA - UK #3]
LOVE that Nicole had no idea who Amy Childs is. I would say I'm well jel, but I have an IQ above single figures.
As for Rylan, the opening ballad bit was alright but then "Rylan style" kicked in, and the vocals were kicked out. Like, totes obv.
And, bringing out the Louis Walsh Rule Book, Hung Up may have been a #1 but Gimme Gimme Gimme wasn't.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Union J - Love Story [Taylor Swift - UK #2]
This wasn't a number one, either. A good song choice, though and the boys performed it well. I still would have preferred Jade stayed, however.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
3. Kye Sones - You Get What You Give [New Radicals - UK #5]
I love this song, and it should have been a number one, but it FUCKING WASN'T. Anyway, perfect match of singer and song, though do wish he'd left out the quick-talking bit at the end.

TEAM NICOLE
4. James Arthur - Don't Speak [No Doubt - UK #1]
"I'm so happy that this is my life now". Yes, James. "Now". Not to be mistaken with "from now on."
Given the direction from Gwen Stafani herself that she liked that he stuck to the melody- he then went all trilly and irritating and even threw in a bit of a rant, which I think was intended to be a rap. You may look like him, but Plan B you are not, James. Oh, dear. His first car crash. Hated it.

TEAM TULISA
5. Ella Henderson - Firework [Katy Perry - UK #3]
A big ask, as this always sounds awful live. Her choice to perform it as a torch ballad was a bizarre choice, as if any lyrics don't fit a ballad it's "oh, oh, oh" and "boom, boom, boom". She has a great voice, but that just didn't work for me.
And guess which chart position this DIDN'T reach?

TEAM LOUIS
6. District 3 - Dynamite [Taio Cruz - UK #1]
Given some bizarre retro makeover that did not even come close to fitting, the vocals were worse than Rylan's. It was nice to see them giving it some performance, though. Embarrassing.
We lost Melanie Masson for these guys. #justsaying

TEAM NICOLE
7. Jahmene Douglas - Listen [Beyoncé - UK #8]
This wasn't even a US top 60 hit, let alone a #1, and peaking at #8 here. The judges loved it, as did my Dad. I beg to differ. He certainly "killed it", but not in a way I consider even close to positive.

TEAM GARY
8. Christopher Maloney - All By Myself [Celine Dion - #6, Eric Carmen - #12]
Exactly the same performance as every week. Great vocals, cruise ship, karaoke, blah blah blah.

Lucy Spraggan was due to sing "Umbrella", which WAS a #1 for Rihanna & Jay-Z. Missing you already, Lucy.

RESULTS

The bottom two perform:

TEAM NICOLE
Rylan Clark - Kissing You [Desree]
I've never been a fan of that song (or of course Rylan for that matter), but fair's fair, he delivered that vocal very well.

TEAM GARY
Kye Sones - I Won't Give Up [Jason Mraz]
Equally stripped-down, he gave it that extra oomph, taking much bigger vocal risks. I was expecting it to be close, but it was no competition.

Gary sends home Rylan.
Nicole sends home Kye.
Louis sends home Rylan.
Tulisa sends home Kye. FFS.

DEADLOCK
The Great British public send home Kye.

Given that that was the last act whose album I'd consider buying, don't be surprised if I'm not here next week. The show has been deleted from my already-bursting DVR, so it may depend on if I see something that catches my interest.