The X Factor USA 2011 - The Finals

The plural is theirs, not mine. And Worcester spelled as Wooster? Really?

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Josh Krajick & Alanis Morissette - Uninvited
Josh should have sounded amazing in this song, but somehow didn't. It didn't really work as a duet either, their voices didn't blend very well and there was zero chemistry. Disappointing. It's odd how one of my early favourites has slipped away gradually week after week.

TEAM L.A. REID
2. Chris Rene & Avril Lavigne - Complicated
WTF was L.A. thinking? Completely out of his vocal range, not to mention genre, his rap is what saved him. That alone speaks volumes.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
3. Melanie Amaro & R. Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly
When you have a vocalist like Melanie, why stick her with one of the big audition clichés? Her voice, however, did blend very nicely with R's, so why not take over Celine Dion's role on I'm Your Angel? It's a minor quibble, as she did a decent job. But I was expecting a phenomenal job.

TEAM NICOLE
4. Josh Krajick - At Last (Etta James)
Back to their audition songs, and Josh stripped this down nicely giving it his own acoustic vibe to match his growly vocals.

TEAM LA
5. Chris Rene - Young Homie
Proving himself to be the weakest vocalist left, Chris brings out his own song for the third time. And, I have to say, it's proving itself to be a somewhat tedious song, rather than some modern urban masterpiece.

TEAM SIMON
6. Melanie Amaro - Listen (Beyoncé)
Given that everybody (with the sole exception of her own eventual mentor Simon Cowell) spotted this performance as the one that would win the show, it's the perfect time for her to perform it again, and sealed the deal she did. And no, I don't know why I went all Yoda then.

RESULTS SHOW
"This stage is our gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to us." Nicely said, Paula Abdul.

TEAM SIMON
7. Melanie Amaro - All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)
Yes, Simon went with the obvious. But it was a perfect fit with a perfect vocal. Her stage performance left a lot to be desired, but fear not, she's no Rebecca Ferguson.

TEAM LA
8. Chris Rene - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Judy Garland/Frank Sinatra)
Sticking to a simple piano vocal, his vocals' limits were exposed, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Just.

TEAM NICOLE
9. Josh Krajick - Please Come Home For Christmas (Charles Brown)
Another good fit for Josh's bluesy voice, he played it relatively straight, avoiding both bum notes and wow moments.

RESULTS
In third place is... Chris Rene! I honestly expected it to be Josh, so am happy.

RESULTS
The winner is... Melanie Amaro!

The X Factor USA - Semi Final 2011

TEAM L.A. REID
1. Marcus Canty - I'll Make Love To You (Boyz II Men)
Beginning a little off-key, his voice sounded great for most of it, but then it went all wrong on the higher notes (although, bizarrely, not the falsetto). He's a decent performer with a definite career but his time may well be up.

2. Chris Rene - I Just Wanna Fly (Sugar Ray)
An excellent song choice- he's dropped the usual bassy hip-hop production in favour of a breezy song with a more acoustic feel. His voice was great, an had fewer mis-steps than Marcus Canty, although it did lack a wow moment.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
3. Melanie Amaro - Hero (Mariah Carey)
Apparently voted for by the "Pepsi viewers", whatever they are, it's one of the reality show cliché songs, but it had an odd arrangement that changed the chords. That said, it was a nicely stripped piano vocal and her vocals have never been better.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
4. Josh Krajick - Come Together (The Beatles)
Another obvious choice, but his voice is perfect for this, and he took the opportunities to go for it in what is otherwise a pretty tuneless, uneventful song.

Round one over, it's round two. Cue the cheesy VTs and sob stories.

TEAM L.A.
5. Marcus Canty - Careless Whisper (George Michael)
Marcus does the ballad fake-out before bursting into a thumping HI-NRG version that I actually rather liked. His vocals were better than on his first song, and he threw a few moments in there.

6. Chris Rene - No One (Alicia Keys)
Oh dear. Singing one of the worst songs of all-time, I hated every second of it. Fortunately, his particular sob story was a strong one. And he played piano.

TEAM SIMON
7. Melanie Amaro - Feelin' Good (Nina Simone)
In the VT we're promised a performance that's unexpected, brave, possibly crazy. And what we get is a carbon copy of Michael Bublé's version of this song. Fortunately, her vocals were incredible.

TEAM NICOLE
8. Josh Krajick - Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)
Surprisingly, this was rather dull. It's not often I agree with L.A. Reid. But it was far from bad.

RESULTS
The three finalist are revealed:
Chris Rene
Melanie Amaro
Josh Krajick

Which, obviously, means we say goodbye to Marcus. And yet I can't help but feel he'll have the biggest career.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Wembley Final

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Marcus Collins - Hey Ya (Outkast)
An odd choice for a competition like this, given the lack of, well, singing. The falsetto was competent, but not the most pleasant sound. He did a decent job, but it's not a song that requires great vocal dexterity. Great staging though. A plane! A plane!

TEAM TULISA
2. Little Mix - You've Got The Love (The Source feat Candi Staton)
Adopting Misha B's military beats, the girls deliver a surprisingly good vocal. The arrangement did feel a little stiff, going nowhere fast, but a decent start, the girls certainly put on a show.

TEAM KELLY
3. Amelia Lily - Ain't No Other Man (Christina Aguilera)
She delivered with a real confidence and sounded incredible, especially given it's Xtina's song against which to compare.

TEAM GARY
4. Marcus Collins & Gary Barlow - She's Always A Woman (Billy Joel)
Their voices blended rather nicely, and I quite liked that Marcus was the one doing the vocal upstaging. Aww, wasn't that sweet?

TEAM TULISA
5. Little Mix & Tulisa - If I Ain't Got You/Empire State of Mind (Alicia Keys)
Their harmonies have never been better. Perhaps Tulisa deserves more credit than she gets. If N-Dubz split, she at least has a fall-back.

TEAM KELLY
6. Amelia Lily & Kelly Rowland - River Deep, Mountain High (Tina Turner)
Another great blending of vocals, great song choice too. They truly brought out the best in each other.

Blimey, these mentor duets really are rather good. All three have been flawless. I can't call it.

RESULTS
It's goodbye to Amelia Lily.

7. Marcus Collins - Higher and Higher (Jackie Wilson)
Marcus redoes his favourite previous performance. Personally, I'd have gone for his awesome INXS/Stevie mash-up. Still gagging to get my hands on that single. This was alright. Great tune, great voice, great performance. But the kind of thing that Olly did, and ended up second place.

8. Little Mix - Don't Let Go (Love) (En Vogue)
I'd have opted for E.T., but this was their best vocal previously and they did it well again. I do wish the performers would pick slightly more obscure songs like this, it'd take the karaoke element out of the show a bit more.

9. Marcus Collins - Cannonball (Damien Rice)
So the rumours were true. The exceptionally dull Cannonball has even chosen as the winner's song. And even with the trademark X Factor stop, doosh, key change... it's still dull.

10. Little Mix - Cannonball (Damien Rice)
Yay, we get to hear this snoozefest twice. Actually, Little Mix have changed it up a bit, giving it an acapella intro and tweaking the arrangement slightly. God damnit, they've done a Leon Jackson on me. Just as he unexpectedly out-performed the superior Rhydian, so Little Mix have out-performed the superior Marcus.

(Several guest stars later... Well, Coldplay)

The winner is... Little Mix.
I can't help but feel an entire nation say "whatever" before changing the channel. If they don't, they get to hear Cannonball again. Oddly, the singing continues as normal once the girls are swamped by former contestants. Hmmm...

Well, for literally the first time ever, I have no intention of buying the winner's single. Little Mix would have had a recording contract even had they come second, but Marcus? I'm not so sure. Hopefully Gary Barlow will have some sway and help him out. Let's just hope he doesn't give the same kiss of death he's given to the careers of Matt Cardle, Ronan Parke and Westlife.

See you in 2012, no doubt.

The X Factor USA - Live Show 7 - Dance / own choice

TEAM SIMON COWELL
1. Melanie Amaro - Someone Like You (Adele)
Nothing says "dance anthem" like this. So Simon's basically cheated by putting a beat over a ballad, but hey it's worked for the likes of Cascada and DJ Sammy, so why not? She has one of the strongest voices in the competition, and was more than up to the enormous task. Whilst there was little to fault, I can't help but feel the other judges are quaking a little after Simon's humongous strop last week.

TEAM L.A. REID
2. Marcus Canty - Ain't Nobody (Rufus & Chaka Khan)
Again, Marcus starts off struggling on his lower register, but puts on a bit of a performance with it. It was a little cheesy and wasn't flawless. It's the time of the competition to start jumping on any flaw.

3. Rachel Crow - Nothing On You (B.O.B. feat. Bruno Mars)
There's still something about precocious Rachel that I just can't take to, but her voice is excellent, especially given her age. Bits of it were shaky, though and I still feel she should have waited a few years.

4. Josh Krajick - We Found Love (Calvin Harris & Rihanna)
Josh and dance were never going to be a comfortable fit, and this was a strange choice of song. However, his vocals were more than up to the task, even if the timbre didn't fit the song. He did a phenomenal job with what he was given.

5. Chris Rene - Live Your Life (Jay-Z feat. Rihanna)
It was what it was. He rapped, sang a little, it felt authentic... But, whatever. I've stood up for Chris over the last few weeks, but that felt more a case of going through the motions.

TEAM SIMON
Melanie Amaro - When You Believe (Whitney & Mariah)
A predictable song choice, but again Melanie's voice is up to the task. She had a chance to really go for it in the second half and bottled it, but it's still difficult to find fault. Glad the judges reminded Simon that it was THEY that pointed out his mistake of sending her home before the live shows.

TEAM L.A.
Marcus Canty - A Song For You (Leon Russell)
A superb vocal. Simon has a severe case of sour grapes and completely missed it. Yes it was a version that had been done before, but not as much as Melanie's last performance, and definitely had the emotion every other performance has lacked. Not for the first time Simon might well have missed the winning "moment" that this series has so far lacked. *COUGH Jordin Sparks COUGH Will Young COUGH*

TEAM SIMON
Rachel Crow - Music and Me (Michael Jackson)
I much prefer this side of Rachel, however inappropriately old-fashioned it was. She proved she can deliver emotion and great vocals by just standing and singing, no cutesiness.

TEAM NICOLE
Josh Krajick - Something (The Beatles)
A more obvious choice for Josh, and one of my favourite Beatles songs. He gave it his own twist and certainly proved himself vocally. Karaoke it was not, L.A.

TEAM L.A.
Chris Rene - Where Do We Go From Here?
Singing an original song is always a risk, and this one was a little repetitive and dull, but not terrible- and he sang it well. Unfortunately, once his vocals are stripped down they don't stand up as well as the others'. But it's good to see the more vulnerable side of Chris.

RESULTS SHOW
Bottom two:
TEAM L.A.
Marcus Canty - I'm Going Down (Mary J. Blige)
A very strong vocal, lots of emotion.and yet a bit... meh.

TEAM SIMON
Rachel Crow - I'd Rather Go Blind (Etta James)
A phenomenal performance both vocally and emotionally. Okay, THAT was the "moment".

L.A. saves Marcus (obviously)
Simon saves Rachel (obviously)
Paula saves Marcus
Nicole saves Marcus to take it to deadlock.
The US public save Marcus. Oops. Rachel whines big time, Nicole bursts into tears and Simon, surprisingly, doesn't seem as upset or angry a last week. Nicole can't speak, and the audience boos at the sounding her name. She is soooooo fucking fired.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Semi Final

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
1. Misha B - Dancing In The Street (Martha Reeves & the Vandellas)
Great to see Misha having fun! Perfect vocals, she owned that stage.

2. Amelia Lily - Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Diana Ross & Marvin Gaye)
A very good, confident performance, and a vast improvement on last week's up-tempo vocals.

TEAM TULISA
3. Little Mix - You Keep Me Hanging On (The Supremes)
Oops, Red fluffed the words there. Apart from that, they were rather good. Motown songs are pretty unbreakable, aren't they?

TEAM GARY BARLOW
4. Marcus Collins - My Girl (The Temptations)
Obviously Marcus is in his element this week, so this felt a little bit phoned in, when he should have really gone for it.

TEAM KELLY
5. Misha B - Fuckin' Perfect (P!nk)
Stripping it down to a ballad was a decent idea, but going off-key and off-melody was not. A big shame.

6. Amelia Lily - I'm With You (Avril Lavigne)
Another great vocal, although she does have a tendency to lose key/pitch ever so slightly on her otherwise impressive big notes. But this is being nit-picky in the extreme, she delivered the song with the requisite sincerity.

TEAM GARY
7. Marcus Collins - Can You Feel It? (The Jacksons)
Eek. One of Marcus's weakest vocals to date. Did he learn nothing from Rachel Crow? At least he was better than her.

TEAM TULISA
8. Little Mix - If I Were A Boy (Beyoncé)
After a few slip-ups tonight, they actually delivered one of the better vocals in the second round.

RESULTS
tbc
Who will be the three "finalists" to perform in the final? Before one is eliminated and two are left for the ACTUAL final...
#notafinalthen

The X Factor USA - Live Show 6 - Michael Jackson

It's another double elimination!

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Josh Krajick - Dirty Diana.
A strange choice, as it's quite a talky song, and Josh has a great voice. Far too low for him, he clearly struggled through most of it.

TEAM L.A. REID
2. Astro - Rock With You/Black Or White. I guess.
He rapped over an MJ instrumental. Nothing else to report. And Simon, that wasn't a new hook Astro put on the end. That's how the song ends. Just usually a bit more tunefully.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
3. Drew - Billie Jean.
Simon just doesn't learn, does he? Having lost the awesome Austin Drage to this (Chris Cornell) version of this song, it doesn't make sense for a female to sing about the paternity of a child. Her voice still does nothing for me, but if you like her voice, there was plenty of it to hear, but I got no story or emotion either.

TEAM SIMON
4. Rachel Crow - Can You Feel It?
It's a song with a youthful vibrancy, and Rachel is certainly young and vibrant. However, it is completely the wrong song for her and her voice. Bits of it sounded good, but most of it was breathy.

Michael's son, Blanket looks so unimpressed by the whole thing so far that he looks like he's in a coma.

TEAM L.A.
5. Marcus Canty - P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing).
Not really the way to claw yourself out of the bottom two. He can perform but his voice suffered for it.

TEAM L.A.
6. Chris Rene - I'll Be There.
Holy crap, his grandfather wrote Rockin' Robin! It's quite a big, emotional song to pick, and he didn't quite get there, but was modern and raw in a way Astro isn't.

TEAM SIMON
7. Melanie Amaro - Earth Song.
Love how they're making out that her newly outed accent is like she's actually been outed or something. That aside, she sang the verses phenomenally well, though did leave the chorus to the backup. I liked the beefed-up arrangement though, and she's never looked better. Melanie is BACK.

RESULTS SHOW
The bottom three are revealed:
Astro, Marcus Canty and Drew.
Firstly, we lose the act with the fewest votes... ASTRO!!!!! Get in!!!! Or, rather, out. TEAM L.A. loses its first act.

The remaining bottom two perform:
TEAM SIMON
Drew - Listen To Your Heart (Roxette).
The audience wouldn't shut the fuck up throughout her performance. I'm sure they intended it as respectful. For her, it was actually quite good. For the first half, anyway. She tried to go all Christina Aguilera at the end, but only proved she doesn't have that kind of voice.

TEAM L.A.
Marcus Canty -
He certainly gave his all, his voice breaking with emotion at times, but mostly quite impressive. Absolutely dreadful song though.

L.A. sends home Drew.
Simon sends home Marcus.
Nicole sends home Drew.
Paula sends home Drew.

Simon is fucking LIVID, sending major evils to the judges. Drew falls to pieces. But it's okay, apparently Drew only entered the competition to say "Jesus loves you". Shame she only just remembered when her dreams were shattered.

So the chaff is gone, only the wheat remains, and both L.A. and Simon are an act down. I call that a RESULT.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 8

Two songs each tonight.
The first, Guilty Pleasures.
The second, Musical Heroes.

TEAM TULISA
1. Little Mix - Baby/Where Did Our Love Go? (Justin Bieber/The Supremes)
Vocally, pretty good by their standards. It was all a bit twee though, and the cheesy choreography left a lot to be desired.

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
2. Janet Devlin - MmmBop (Hanson)
Oops a few mistakes there. Has Janet been taking stage presence lessons from Rebeckah Ferguson? Feet can move, you know.

TEAM KELLY
3. Misha B - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)
Misha is back! She updated the song in a way that worked very well, and, more importantly, sang it well.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
4. Marcus Collins - I'm Your Man (Wham!)
Perfect song choice for his retro vibe, and his vocals were great... But it lacked a little something for me.

TEAM KELLY
5. Amelia Lily - China In Your Hand (T'Pau)
I might be biased as I love that song, but that was awesome! The hip-hop beat was subtle enough to update the song without undermining it, and her voice was incredible. Oh, and Gary Barlow can FUCK RIGHT OFF. Carol Decker is a goddess. FACT.

TEAM TULISA
6. Little Mix - Beautiful (Christina Aguilera)
Nice vocals, emotionally delivered.

TEAM KELLY
7. Janet Devlin - Under The Bridge (Red Hot Chilli Peppers)
I would never in a million years have put this singer with this song. And yet... I don't hate it. And it's Janet.

TEAM KELLY
8. Misha B - Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack/The Fugees)
That was phenomenal. And I HATE Lauryn Hill.

TEAM GARY
9. Marcus Collins - Lately (Stevie Wonder)
The cocky smile did not fit this song, and his pitch was off. Sorry, Marcus you've had an off night. Then the second half kicked in, and it all went rather lovely. Phew.

TEAM KELLY
10. Amelia Lily - Since U Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)
Surprisingly bad for Amelia. A great song, ideal for her voice, and the kind of song I could imagine her recording. And yet. Oh, well, China In Your Hand was good.

RESULTS SHOW

I'll ignore the charity thing and guest performers, let's get to the results. The bottom two perform.

TEAM KELLY
Janet Devlin - Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol)
Surprisingly good for Janet. Wise move to keep it understated. But still painful at times.

Misha B - Out Here On My Own (Irene Cara)
Beautifully sung.

Louis sends home Janet. An Irish person. Really!
Tulisa sends home Janet.
Kelly refuses, Janet goes home.
Gary would have sent home Janet.

The X Factor USA - Live Show 4 - Thanksgiving

It's a double elimination! So Paula's fucked... It's thanksgiving week, so lots of sob stories and emotions on stage.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
1. Rachel Crow - I Believe (Yolanda Adams)
Dedicated to her (adoptive) parents.
It started off beautifully, but went a bit wrong once the beat kicked in. I'm warming to her, there's definite talent there. I still wish they'd waited a few years though.

TEAM LA REID
2. Marcus Canty - Mama (Boyz II Men)
Dedicated to his mother. Obv.
Definitely opening in the wrong key, he struggled with the lower notes. It was obviously intended to build toward the better range of his voice, but it also cracked on the high notes. That said, it's a very emotional week this week so vocal cracks can be forgiven. This week ONLY. Terrible song though.

TEAM SIMON
3. Melanie Amarro - The World's Greatest (R. Kelly)
Dedicated to God.
I have no problem with people thanking God, but when it's a case of Him being responsible for all the good and none of the bad, I find it all very ungrateful to all those people who have actually been there. LOVE her Virgin Islands accent though. The performance was good, though not spectacular. But then it's not really a song that lends itself to vocal gymnastics.

TEAM LA
4. Chris Rene - Let It Be (The Beatles)/Young Homie
Dedicated to his rehab councillor.
There's something rough and raw about Chris's voice that I really like. It was interesting to hear him strip back the rapping, but not the hip hop, and mashing it up with an original song worked well.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
5. Lakoda Rayne - You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift)
Dedicated to their dad/ boyfriend/ dad/ grandmother.
Oh dear. Somehow their voices were dreadful, not only in harmony, but also individually. I don't know what the judges are hearing.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
6. Leroy Bell - Angel (Sarah McLachlan)
Dedicated to his (late) mother.
Easily the best performance tonight. Love that he didn't go for the vocal gymnastics, and just sang the song in the way that just made sense to him at the time.

TEAM LA
7. Astro - Show Me What You Got (Jay-Z)
Dedicated to his fans. And hip hop.
Shouty and unmelodic. "Bloggers, they hate me." Yep.

TEAM SIMON
8. Drew - Skyscraper (Demi Lovato)
I'm noticing a theme this week, and it's not making me thankful. Lots of struggling on the lower register, particularly the first half of songs. It sounded like it was a nice song, but not the way she sang it. Using "sang" very loosely. LA Reid really is a fucking retard. Does he not know how old (young) Demi Lovato is?

TEAM NICOLE
9. Josh Krajick - Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones)
Dedicated to his daughter.
The theme continues, but at least Josh hit the bigger notes. One of his strongest performances for a while, if a little bit dull.

RESULTS SHOW
Top 9 - P!nk medley
Little Mix (circa E.T.) appear to have made a guest appearance as backing dancers. The vocals sounded live his week. I certainly hope they were.

First to be eliminated, based entirely on viewer votes, is Lakoda Rayne. TEAM PAULA ABDUL is no more.

Remaining bottom two:
TEAM LA
Marcus Canty - You Lost Me (Christina Aguilera)
A much more decent vocal performance, he certainly fits into the modern musical scene.

TEAM NICOLE
Leroy Bell - Don't Let Me Down (The Beatles)
Possibly outdoing his previous performance, Leroy was confident and pitch-perfect. But, inexplicably, hasn't been connecting with the judges.

LA sends home Leroy.
Nicole sends home Marcus.
Paula sends home Leroy.
Simon sends home Marcus.
Deadlock: The American public sends home Leroy.

Gutted.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 7 - Movies

No more Team Louis Walsh! Boo-yah!

TEAM GARY BARLOW
1. Craig Colton - Licence To Kill (Gladys Knight, Licence To Kill)
I love that song, and he still bored me rigid. I can't put my finger on what he's doing wrong, though.

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
2. Janet Devlin - Kiss Me (Sixpence None The Richer, She's All That)
Probably the most perfect song choice of the season so far. Fitted her voice perfectly, avoiding the usual assault on all things aural.

TEAM KELLY
3. Amelia Lily - Think (Aretha Franklin, The Blues Brothers)
A pretty good performance for week 3. Unfortunately, it's week 7 for everyone else. Her vocals were ok, but the arrangement was a bit weak. Some songs you don't attempt, this is one of them.

TEAM KELLY
4. Misha B - (Whitney Houston, The Bodyguard)
Now that Kitty's not around to bully, it's time to bring out Misha's sob story. This one involves adoption. They clearly want us to talk about that for votes, so let's ignore the singing. Shame it's this week they chose.

TEAM TULISA
5. Little Mix - Don't Let Go (Love) (En Vogue, Set It Off)
After week upon week of Kelly comparing Little Mix to En Vogue, Tulisa finally caves in and gives them one of their songs. It turns out Kelly was right, as this was hands-down Little Mix's best performance so far.

TEAM GARY
6. Marcus Collins - Higher (Jackie Wilson, Ghostbusters II)
An awesome, faithful rendition of a fabulous song. Just please stop him talking. Especially to the finger-wagging air-horn. (See last year).

RESULTS
Bottom two:
TEAM GARY
Craig Colton - Will You Love Me Tomorrow? (The Shirelles)
One of his strongest vocals, but still same old, same old.

TEAM KELLY
Amelia Lily - You and I (Lady Gaga)
I hate that song, but it was an amazing vocal, in a different league to Craig. It bordered on shouty, but not as much as Gary made out.

Gary sends home Amelia.
Kelly sends home Craig.
Tulisa sends home Amelia.
Louis sends home Craig.

DEADLOCK:
The public sends home Craig.
Phew.

The X Factor USA - Live Show 3 - Rock Week

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Leroy Bell - We've Got Tonight (Bob Seger)
A pretty near-perfect vocal. I still hear Michael Bolton, but at least Leroy has better hair. It is true that he lacks a bit of an oomph when it comes to stage presence (or, if you will, The X Factor), but he hasn't outstayed his welcome yet.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
2. Rachel Crow - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction (The Rolling Stones)
It's rock week, right? So why take a rock song and turn it into a hand-clappy Motown-esque affair? Rachel has the voice to potentially get into the meat of a rock song, so this was disappointing. A huge step down from last week.

TEAM L.A. REID
3. Chris Rene - No Woman, No Cry (Bob Marley & The Wailers)
A fusion of reggae and hip-hop does not a rock song make, but L.A. put up a decent argument. I'll give Chris his dues, though, his singing voice frequently surprises me (in a good way) and it did again tonight.

TEAM NICOLE
4. Stacy Francis - It's All Coming Back To Me Now (Meat Loaf)
Despite being a Jim Steinman song that was eventually recorded by Meat Loaf, this is, let's face it, a Celine Dion song. And the comparisons were not kind to Stacy. But to deny she did a decent job on her own merits would be churlish.

TEAM SIMON
5. Melanie Amaro - Everybody Hurts (R.E.M.)
The ballad queen does it again, putting a soulful gospel twist on a rock ballad. It was surprisingly lifeless for Melanie, but girl got pipes.

TEAM NICOLE
6. Josh Krajick - The Pretender (Foo Fighters)
This should be his week. And, he certainly rocked out. I actually prefer his more soulful side, although I do love this song.

TEAM L.A.
7. Astro - I'll Be Missing You (Puff Daddy)
I'm assuming the interpolation of The Police's "Every Breath You Take" is what makes this rock. He raps better than Puff Daddy, I'll give him that. "I miss you, Hip Hop"??? WTF? That's like saying "I miss you, snow" in Antartica.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
8. Lakoda Rayne - Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac)
The girls have great individual voices, and they've called a fair cop as the backing vocalists have been brought on-stage to help out with the harmonies. It didn't really help, but it was enjoyably competent. They are usually better than this.

TEAM SIMON
9. Drew - With or Without You (U2)
More of the same from Drew, but this suited her voice amazingly well. I'm not a fan, but she was great this week.

TEAM L.A.
10. Marcus Canty - Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin)
Re: his church choir, "I'm kind of like their role model"...? Even if it's true, it's a little arrogant to say, no? This featured some truly bizarre choreography (did someone say check for oil?) His vocals were adequate, but I can't say he rocked it.

RESULTS SHOW
Top 10 - We Will Rock You
I always assumed these bits were lip-synched, but Leroy's "oops I missed my line" fuck-up proved this to be untrue. Interesting...

Bottom two:
TEAM NICOLE
Stacy Francis - Amazing Grace
Whatever. I almost want her out for choosing that song. Fortunately for her, she's up against...

TEAM L.A.
Astro - Never Can Say Goodbye (The Jackson 5)
The arrogant little turd thought he'd done enough to not have to perform, but did anyway. Oh, joy to my eardrums. Mostly "uh uh"s, though he did throw in a nice rap about the judges. Hopefully it's cost him his place.

L.A. almost sends Astro, his own act, home for acting like a quitter, but sends home Stacy.
Nicole sends home Astro. He looks MASSIVELY pissed off.
Paula, shockingly, sends home Stacy.
Simon castigates Astro, then sends home Stacy. Ridiculous.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 6 - Queen/Lady Gaga

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
1. Kitty Brucknell - Don't Stop Me Now (Queen)
Spoiler alert, she was stopped. Don't really know what to say about Kitty. Don't like her, don't dislike her. She was alright I suppose. Next...

TEAM GARY BARLOW
2. Craig Colton - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)
Craig is filling Sophie's void of sucking the life out of songs. Hooray. He's not letting the melody bother him, either. Arse. Absolutely terrible.

TEAM TULISA
3. LittleMix - Radio Gaga/Telephone (Queen/Lady Gaga)
The natural segue from Radio Gaga is surely Bad Romance with the romama-gaga bit? Oh well. They were quite good. For them.

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
4. Janet Devlin - Somebody To Love (Queen)
Apparently, some people out there actually like the sound coming out of this girl's mouth. Honestly. I know!

TEAM GARY
5. Marcus - Another One Bites The Dust (Queen)
I've never liked that song, but Marcus did the anti-Sophie and put life into a lifeless song. Hope the title's not an omen! :-S

TEAM KELLY
6. Misha B - Born This Way (Lady Gaga)
Misha, of course, dispelled those bully rumours by letting Kitty sing "Born This Way", as she'd been dying to do... Oh, wait. No she didn't. Misha goes military again. Awesome tune. Somehow, she didn't sing it very well. Massive disappointment.

TEAM KELLY
7. Amelia Lily - The Show Must Go On (Queen)
Frankie's gone, so Amelia's back! And did rather well. The public had a chance to vote on the four acts ejected week one, as they'd never previously faced the public vote. Amelia won. Already, she sticks out like a sore thumb this year; A great singer who knows how to perform a ballad.

RESULTS SHOW

Kitty & Misha B ended up in the bottom two.

TEAM LOUIS
Kitty Brucknell - Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Judy Garland/pretty much everybody)
She delivered a decent vocal, an obvious plea for sympathy and votes. Can't deny she fought for her place.

TEAM KELLY
Misha B - Who You Are (Jessie J)
Superb. Damnit.

Kitty went home, but not before singing the chorus of "Born This Way". Misha is dead to me. At least Kitty got a teary hug from Gaga.
But Louish Wals (sic) has no acts left! Get in!!!!

The X Factor USA - Live Show 3 - Movie Week

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
1. Stacy Francis - Queen of the Night (Whitney Houston, The Bodyguard)
One of the biggest voices in the competition sounded a bit lost in this. Definitely in too high a key for her, and her movement on-stage lacked the funky diva sassiness it required. Hugely disappointing, but not terrible.

TEAM LA REID
2. Marcus Canty - I'm Going Down (Rose Royce, Car Wash)
An odd song choice that I didn't think suited him at all. It was alright, but the singing-"oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah"-while-backup-actually-sings-the-song thing just leaves me cold.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
3. Drew - Fix You (Coldplay, You, Me & Dupree)
OK. This week I kind of got it. The song suited her awkward voice rather nicely. LA Reid proves once more he's Louis Walsh by bringing out the rule book. It's Gummo-gate all over again.

TEAM NICOLE
4. Leroy Bell - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (U2, Runaway Bride)
Another bad fit of voice and song, but his Michael Bolton-esque soulful vocals still stood out, even if they didn't soar as they should.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
5. Lakoda Rayne - Somebody Like You (Keith Urban, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days)
At times, they sounded great- but some of the harmonies were a bit off. This is totally within their comfort zone, and I have to say I prefer them when they do their country spin on a more mainstream pop song. This was all a bit Dixie Chicks. Nothing wrong with that, but since we already have the Dixie Chicks, why do we need Lakoda Rayne?

TEAM LA
6. Astro - Lose Yourself (Eminem, 8 Mile)
Proving once and for all he's 100% rapper and 0% singer, he's undeniably talented given he rewrites every "song"(?) he performs. America's Got Talent? Certainly. The X Factor? Certainly not.

TEAM SIMON
7. Melanie Amaro - Man in the Mirror (Michael Jackson, This Is It)
Interesting how lyrics are changed if it might sound like you're being romantic towards someone of the same sex, but it's perfectly fine for Melanie to look in the mirror and see a man? Okay. That aside, it wasn't quite the phenomenal performance it should have been. It's movie week, give her "Listen" again. Her vocals were brilliant, but LA was right, there was nothing inventive about it.

TEAM PAULA
8. The Stereo Hoggzz - Ain't No Other Man (Christina Aguilera, Get Smart)
I quite liked the styling, visually it worked very nicely. Audibly, was patchy at best. Not run-behind-the-sofa bad, but nothing that would make me buy an album. Wow, LA Reid really IS Louis Walsh. "I don't know that song"... WTF?

TEAM NICOLE
9. Josh Krajick - With A Little Help From My Friends (The Beatles/Joe Cocker, Across The Universe)
Exactly what I (and everybody) expected it to be. In both good and bad ways.

TEAM LA
Chris Rene - Gangsta's Paradise/Pastime Paradise (Coolio & LV/Stevie Wonder, Dangerous Minds)
Like Astro, he wrote his own rap around Coolio's, and, like Marcus, opted for the ooh yeahs, rather than the melody (though not as often). However, he hit the right notes, rapped with sincerity, and showed Astro up for the little boy he is.

TEAM SIMON
Rachel Crow - I'd Rather Go Blind (Etta James/Beyoncé, Cadillac Records)
I'll be honest, I'd written this performance off before it had even started. What a mistake-a to make-a. That. Was. Phenomenal. Wow.

RESULTS SHOW

Rather shockingly, Paula's acts make up the bottom two once more, namely Lakoda Rayne and The Stereo Hoggzz. It was fascinating how all acts were big smiles for the first few names, and then every expression gradually turned to absolute horror as they remained on stage. Poor Paula. She was a nightmare on American Idol, but has been surprisingly tolerable on here.

TEAM PAULA
Lakoda Rayne - No Air (Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown)
This is Lakoda Rayne at their best- i.e. taking a pop/RnB song and making it country. Unfortunately, the bottom two scenario caused many of them to over-sing and the harmonies turned from bad to hellish.

The Stereo Hoggzz - You Are Not Alone (Michael Jackson)
Possibly their strongest vocal performance so far, their harmonies were tight, the soloists were excellent, and the ad libs were well-judged. Surprisingly good. I was hoping Lakoda Rayne would go through before the sing-off, now I'm not so sure.

LA Reid sends home The Stereo Hoggzz.
Nicole Scherzinger sends home The Stereo Hoggzz.
Paula Abdul refuses to vote, then, as her abstention would have sent The Stereo Hoggzz home, sends home Lakoda Rayne.
Simon Cowell sends home The Stereo Hoggzz.

The Stereo Hoggzz go home. It'll be interesting to see a different judge's act in the bottom two next week, even if it is alongside one of Paula's.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 5 - Dance Anthems

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
1. Johnny Robinson - Hung Up/You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) (Madonna/Dead or Alive)
As big a Madonna fan as I am, this started off bordering on Johnny-back-to-the-novelty. However, once he got into the second song, Johnny's vocals really came out to play, and they genuinely sounded amazing on the big notes. Shame about the little ones that made up the majority.

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
2. Janet Devlin - I Want You Back (The Jackson Five)
There was something about the terrified-but-jolly look on Janet's face that I actually found rather charming. Her voice was weak (shock horror) but overall her performance was a vast improvement on last week's. So just "poor", then.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
3. Craig Colton - Heaven (Bryan Adams/DJ Sammy)
How do you get a yawnsville balladeer to sing a dance anthem? Easy. Choose a ballad that became a dance anthem- and get him to do both versions. Have his cake and eat it too, as it were. And something tells me this isn't Craig's first cake. Naturally, he sounded better during the ballad bits, but that dancing... Wow! Did not see that coming. Dad at a wedding or what? Is it safe to come out from behind the sofa now?

TEAM TULISA
4. The Risk - A Night To Remember (Shalamar)
This is the vocal performance I've been waiting for from The Risk. Their solos were each perfect and the harmonies fell into place nicely. I really don't know what Gary Barlow is hearing, but I don't understand how anybody could hear that without hearing a huge improvement on their past cacophonies.

TEAM GARY
5. Marcus Collins - Reet Petite (Jackie Wilson)
Well, nobody can say they saw that song choice coming. Once again, Marcus delivered superb vocals with a natural stage presence and convincing choreography. Best performance of the series so far. Oh bugger, Gary just stole my line.

TEAM LOUIS
6. Kitty Brucknell - Like A Prayer (Madonna)
Just as I'm feeling defensive about Kitty, she enters hallowed territory. Whilst wearing Krystle Carrington shoulder pads. It didn't quite have the impact it should have- but she did a decent job vocally, I guess, and was respectful to the spirit of the original.

TEAM GARY
7. Frankie Cock - I Gotta Feeling (The Black Eyed Peas)
"I don't know why people are voting for me". Me neither, Frankie. Me, neither. He amazingly took a rather shouty, tuneless song and somehow made it even more tuneless. It may be the ultimate feel-good tune, but it's going to take more than that to get votes. Though I got a feeling Louis's rant might actually work in Frankie's favour. Sorry.

TEAM KELLY
8. Misha B - Proud Mary (Ike & Tina Turner)
Inspired song choice. Looking more like Chaka Khan than Tina, Misha looked like she was having fun for the first time. Glad to see her ditch the urban side for once too, and managed to avoid the potential karaoke/ cabaret/ copycat potential in that song. Ace.

TEAM TULISA
9. Little Mix - Don't Stop The Music (Rihanna)
See the above review of The Risk. Switch that, reverse it. Oh dear. Please stop the music.

RESULTS SHOW
It's a double eviction. The bottom three are revealed to be:

TEAM TULISA - The Risk
TEAM LOUIS - Kitty, Johnny

The Risk have the fewest votes, and are automatically eliminated. Ridiculous.

Johnny Robinson - Unchained Melody (The Righteous Brothers)
Despite an obviously under-rehearsed edit that caused him to go a bit wrong, Johnny's voice sounded incredible. An interesting song choice, given Louis's constant harassing of Simon Cowell for giving his acts this song.

Kitty Brucknell - Beautiful Disaster (Kelly Clarkson)
Opting for Kelly's live acoustic version, rather than the uptempo original, it was a brave choice given that it was never a UK single. Her voice was as good as ever.

Absurdly, they go to Louis first. He eliminates Johnny.
Tulisa eliminates Johnny.
Kelly eliminates Johnny.
Gary would have sent home Johnny.

So we say a fond farewell to Johnny, the "character" of 2011. Nobody could have foreseen he'd make it this far, but at least he eventually got to sing before he left, and left on a high...

...Or is it? The news has broken that Frankie has been kicked out of the show (hurrah!) for "breaking the golden rule" (allegedly it was his alleged boasting about allegedly snorting cocaine. Allegedly.) Anyway, it's unclear what this means for the remaining acts, but Johnny's return is a possibility. Watch this space...

The X Factor USA - Live Show 2

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
1. The Stereo Hogzz - Rhythm Nation (Janet Jackson)
Another strong visual performance that captured the spirit of the original- and good to see this song revived, as relevant as ever. The vocals weren't amazing, but it's not that kind of song.

TEAM L.A. REID
2. Chris Rene - Superstar (The Carpenters)
A bit of an odd choice, likely inspired by American Idol winner Ruben Studdard's RnB version, although an added rap upped the urban ante. Unfortunately, it just did not work at all, and the vocals were far from great. Nope, not for me.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
3. Leroy Bell - I'm Already There (Lonestar)
Leroy is so much better than this song. His amazing voice sounded quite bland in this song, which is ridiculous.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
4. Rachel Crow - Walking on Sunshine/You're My Sunshine (Katrina & The Waves/Gamu)
I cannot believe the bear-faced cheek of Simon Cowell, taking Gamu's audition version from the UK show last year and passing it off as his own invention. That said, it was a cutesy enough song for her cutesy enough personality. But I still can't abide her.

TEAM PAULA
5. Lakoda Rayne - Landslide (Stevie Nicks)
This showed the limitations of their lower registers, and was quite badly off-key at times. It wasn't wholly unpleasant, yet seemed to lack any of the emotion from a very emotional song.

TEAM NICOLE
6. Josh Krajick - Jar of Hearts (Christina Perri)
Another poor song choice tonight, completely out of Josh's range and comfort zone. The lower register was a real struggle. At least they didn't go for Craig Coulton's ridiculous key change.

TEAM SIMON
7. Melanie Amaro - Desperado (The Eagles)
When you're singing a ballad, acapella, what you really want is people in the audience cheering and screaming over you. It's only respectful. The song soon launched into a hideously bland RnB beat that made you wish she'd kept it acapella, but her vocals, as always, were flawless.

TEAM L.A.
8. Astro - Hip Hop Hooray/Get Ur Freak On (Naughty By Nature/Missy Elliot)
Fair play to the kid, he got flow. Writing his own rap, he did it well I guess. But I don't get it, or what he's doing in this competition.

TEAM PAULA
9. Intensity - Kids of America/Party Rock Anthem (Kim Wilde/LMFAO)
Considering they have 10 members, Intensity produce a surprisingly thin vocal sound. The production mash-up worked, partially, but they really need to do something a bit more interesting with the vocal arrangements.

TEAM SIMON
10. Drew - Just A Dream (Nelly)
She looked completely uncomfortable. The song went nowhere but she did a decent job vocally, even though I still don't like the tone of her voice.

TEAM L.A.
11. Marcus Canty - Nothin' On You/Every Little Step (B.O.B./Bobby Brown)
In trying to "make the song his own", Marcus's ad libs were not the most pleasant to listen to, but he has a professionalism that should see him through for a while.

TEAM NICOLE
12. Stacy Francis - Up To The Mountain (Patty Griffin)
A beautiful, soulful rendition with perfect vocals. If a little screechy and dull.

RESULTS SHOW
The Stereo Hogzz and Intensity are announced as the bottom two, both acts from TEAM PAULA.

Stereo Hogzz - Emotions (The Bee Gees/Destiny's Child)
Proof that harmonising doesn't always work, Stereo Hogzz undo all their good work with a dull, tuneless version of the ballad.

Intensity - My Life Would Suck Without You (Kelly Clarkson)
In a clear nod to Simon, they get the girl he singled out for praise last week to sing lead vocals. But only the first verse, as the guy on the second verse wasn't quite as strong, so she was brought back for verse 3. Overall, pretty underwhelming.

The judges decide:
Simon sends home Stereo Hogzz
Paula sends home Intensity
Nicole sends home Intensity
L.A. sends home Intensity

Paula should definitely have been the last to vote. If Intensity had gone through, that'd have been aaaawkwaaaard...

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 4 - Halloween week

Some major shake-ups this week. Ish.

Kelly Rowland is "sick" (as in "ill", as in "poorly", not street for "good"), so has been replaced by 2008 winner Alexandra Burke. Kelly is NOT, I repeat NOT stropping after her run-in with Tulisa last week over Misha B. Honest, guv.

Rhythmix have backed down over the charity name clash debacle and renamed themselves Little Mix. So the "Nirvana For Xmas Number One" Facebook campaign has been somewhat scuppered as their thinly-disguised altruistic excuse has now been reversed. Besides, the winner's single will be released a week early this year, so it's all fair game.

One of The Risk has left. Fortunately, it's the shit one I've complained about before. He's been replaced by the familiar, funny-looking one from that other band that left on week one. Fame, eh?

It's time... to face... the music!

TEAM TULISA
The Risk - Thriller (Michael Jackson)
Firstly, I noticed that the group were audibly harmonising whilst only one of them had a mic to their face. And this happened more than once. If they have backing singers, we should see them. Surely the point of a group such as this IS to harmonise? If it's not just those four guys who we're hearing sing, we need to know about it, otherwise it's all a bit disingenuous. As for the performance itself, it was all nicely staged, but the guys didn't actually put much performing in, and the vocals were their worst so far. They should be WAY better than this by now.

TEAM LOUIS
Johnny - That Ole Devil Called Love (Billie Holliday)
I did not expect that from Johnny- what a voice! You go girl! He just stood there by a piano and sang. Well. VERY well. Pretty flawlessly, in fact. Getting to hear his voice like this not only shows he's a worthy contender (other than "the fun factor"- yawn), but there's a unique, playful tone to his voice.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Sophie - Bang Bang (Cher/Nancy Sinatra)
I constantly accuse Sophie of sucking the life out of songs. This time, I could say she simply chose the more lifeless version to cover, but that is unfair on Nancy Sinatra. Whereas Johnny managed to be completely captivating by just standing there and singing, Sophie failed, her expression somewhere between vacant and stage school. I didn't believe or feel a single word (other than a few hackles). She's clearly this year's Rebekah Ferguson- the one with the horrid voice that everybody else tells me can sing. "That awful sound". Indeed.

TEAM GARY
Marcus - Superstition/Need You Tonight (Stevie Wonder/INXS)
Loving the monster mash-up. Those songs fit together amazingly well. Marcus is giving confident, assured stage performances that feel natural without ever having to compromise his voice. He demonstrates a physical and vocal musicality that you just can't teach, and demonstrating a hugely impressive vocal range without forcing or overdoing it. He's out-peforming most of the professionals they've had on that stage, and yet still has some work to do. He should go a very long way in this competition. As long as he doesn't speak.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Misha B - Tainted Love (Gloria Jones/Soft Cell)
Opting for the more retro original version over the Soft Cell version, she threw in a rap break to modernise it a bit, but there was something missing from her performance tonight, for me. There's no denying she has a fantastic voice, but it was at times I found it a bit sharp in a way I didn't enjoy. Rather than seeing this fierce diva attitude everyone's raving about, she seems to be disappearing into herself, and her performance is starting to suffer for it. But then that's not surprising after the shit she's been given from Tulisa and Louis.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Janet - Every Breath You Take (The Police)
Started excruciatingly badly, and the moments of improvement were few and far between. An interesting take on the more stalkery aspects of the song, and she looked great. But ouch. Not only her worst performance, but easily the worst performance on the show at all by ANYONE so far. Dreadful.

TEAM GARY
Frankie Cocozza - Should I Stay Or Should I Go? (The Clash)
Go.

TEAM LOUIS
Kitty - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson)
I don't know why they felt the need to add the flange effect to Kitty's voice for the intro. Yes, it added a spookier element, but did they learn nothing from the auto-tune debacle last year? Kitty has a decent voice, and used it to full effect here. It did rely a bit too heavily on shouting, but even then you could hear the vibrato, and it was on-key. She didn't deserve to be in the bottom two last week, and doesn't this week.

TEAM TULISA
Little Mix (formerly Rhythmix) - E.T. (Katy Perry)
Great performance to watch, the girls stayed in character very well as demented dolls. Unfortunately, they hadn't tweaked the song in any way, so their performance was almost copycat karaoke vocally- albeit a very good vocal. I'm not quite as blown away as others are, as I think their harmonies still need a LOT of work, but it was far from dreadful and their individual voices are great. They just need to learn to mix them properly.

TEAM GARY
Craig - Set Fire To The Rain (Adele)
I know they've been stretching the Halloween theme this week, but seriously??? WTF does this song have to do with Halloween, especially when sung by a guy dressed in a Paddington Bear coat? As always, his vocals were very good, and, as always, the whole thing was very bland. He's becoming predictable, and increasingly irritating for it. But I couldn't fault it either.

RESULTS SHOW
Bottom two: Sophie & Misha B!

TEAM KELLY
Sophie Habibis - Shelter (The XX)
Sophie squawks her way tunelessly through another lifeless song. Millions are allegedly moved, I'm grimacing in pain and bewilderment.

Misha B - Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)
Breaking down on the final note, Misha gives a heartfelt plea, singing perfectly. What a contrast in performers.

Fortunately, all four judges (including a croaky Kelly Rowland, via telephone) choose to eliminate Sophie.

Just Janet and Frankie to go, and then the competition can truly begin...

The X Factor USA - Live Show 1

17 acts, 5 must go. One from each team, plus a further one from Team Simon.

TEAM LA REID
1. Astro - Jump (Kris Kross)
Obnoxious little teenage rapper kid. He did it competently, but... whatever. The judges chose to find him charming and talented. Me, not so much.

2. Chris Rene - Love Don't Live Here Anymore (Rose Royce)
He's the rehab one. More rapping, but with added vocals that are stretched to breaking point. It was a nicely funked-up arrangement that almost made it sound current, but hasn't set my world alight.

3. Phillip Lomax - I'm A Believer (The Monkees)
He's the Bublé-esque crooner that looks like Noel out of off of Hear'say. Worst. Song. Choice. EVER! Get a crooner to sing a rowdy, shouty, jaunty song? There's out of your comfort zone, and then there's downright sabotage. WTF was LA thinking? Phillip did the best with what he was given but it's becoming increasingly obvious that LA Reid is shaping up to be the Louis Walsh of the US version. And yet, Phillip is easily the best so far.

4. Marcus Canty - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? (Culture Club)
Well, that settles it. LA IS Louis Walsh. Marcus comes across very Jason Derülo, with the musical production to match. Unfortunately, his rather decent stage performance did affect the vocals, but no worse than Derülo himself.

And it's judgement time already... LA saves Astro, Marcus and Chris. Meaning Phillip, the best vocalist in LA's category, is sent home. Also, notably, the only non-urban act. COUGH onetrickpony COUGH.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
5. The Stereo Hogzz - Try A Little Tenderness (Otis Redding)
Well, they tried a little tenderness with the Boyz II Men opening, but clearly decided tenderness wasn't for them as they launched into a shouty, breathy rap break before going all Diversity on us with a dance break and then ending with a Motown beat. I think it's safe to say "they made it their own". I'm still not sure if that's a good thing, but they certainly put on a show and at times, the harmonies sounded great.

6. The Brewer Boys - Rich Girl/Faith (Hall & Oates/George Michael)
An acoustic opener becomes a hand-clappy singalong before going all hoedown with a countryish end. I'm starting to notice a trend in Paula's mentoring. Their vocals were decent but it was a little bit too Good, Clean All-American for my liking.

7. Intensity - The Clapping Song/Footloose (Shirley Ellis/Kenny Loggins)
The 10-strong group is made up from youthful solo rejects, and as mash-ups go it wasn't bad, in a Glee kind of way. However, some of the soloists should stick to harmonies. Footloose. That's so hot right now. At least this one found a style and stuck to it.

8. Lakoda Rayne - Come On Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Runners)
Made up of four female rejects (apparently us boys going to want to date them... erm, no...), this started off with the ballad fake-out before going all bootscootin' country- but it in a way that worked far better for the song. Some of the harmonies in the vocals sounded pre-recorded, which I hope is a compliment.

Judgement time again. Paula has a far stronger category, and a tougher decision. She saves Stereo Hogzz, Lakoda Rayne and Intensity. So The Brewer Boys, the rather bland but sweet duo go home. Fair play.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
9. Dexter Haygood - Womanizer/I Kissed A Girl (Britney Spears/Katy Perry)
He's the mentally ill homeless or something James Brown ish bloke with the moves like Jagger and screams like Steve Tyler, dressed like Adam Ant. About as close to a car crash as this series is likely to get. A shouty, nonsensical mash-up that certainly had impact- but let's face it, anything good about it had nothing to do with Dexter. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the US Wagner. No, I'm giving him. Take him. Away. Please.

10. Leroy Bell - Nobody Knows (P!nk)
It's odd how one of P!nk's least successful (and least known) songs has gone onto have a new life a vocalist showcase on shows such as this. His smoky vocals were very much up to it, and actually suited the song in a Michael Bolton rock ballad kind of way, but there is a reason it wasn't a big hit.

11. Stacey Francis - One More Try (George Michael)
Phenomenal vocals from one of the audition favourites, as she launched into a respectfully gospel-tinged version of a great, but rather dull song. Yes, it did get a little bit screechy but in a forgivable way, injecting a bit of life into the song.

12. Josh Krajick - Forever Young (Bob Dylan)
Nicely stripped down, the big burly guy showcased his bigger burlier voice.

Judgement time #3. Nicole saves Stacey, Josh and Leroy. Wagner- sorry, Dexter- goes home. Phew.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
13. Simone Battle - Just Be Good To Me (The SOS Band)
Girl got confidence fo' sho'. Unfortunately she doesn't have the talent to back it up. I loved the funky production, but her vocals were probably the weakest so far tonight.

14. Rachel Crow - Baby Love/Baby (The Supremes/Justin Bieber)
The adorably precocious little afroed girl. I'm assuming. Irritating little turd, I thought. Horses for courses, I guess. Speaking of which, why Simon decided to dress a 13-year-old in tweed, I cannot imagine. Again, the vocals were just not up to scratch. If she'd waited until she was about 16 she might have had a better shot. But the judges see and hear something I don't, so she needn't worry too much.

15. Drew - Flashdance... What A Feeling (Irene Cara)
In X Factor UK we saw Sophie Habibis reduce a vibrant song about teenage verve into the dreariest of ballads. Here, Drew does the same thing; take a song that celebrates life and dance, then transform it into a dirge. I found her squeaky Janet Devlin voice rather horrid too. Not for me. Wow, and I thought LA's team was bad... And look who's next.

16. Thia Tolliver - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (Eurythmics)
This was the girl who originally only had two yeses before Simon strong-armed her through, despite her being shit (or "pitchy"). The ballad fake-out became a quite interesting goth opera choral arrangement. But she. Can't. Fucking. SING.

17. Melanie Amaro - I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston)
The one Simon turned down, despite clearly winning the whole series in her audition performance of Beyoncé's Listen. So, naturally, she sticks out in Simon's category like a sore thumb as the one with the best voice. He's clearly doing his best to sabotage her voice by giving her a big, dramatic, Bond-esque ballad and giving it a bland RnB karaoke production. Fortunately, her vocals were better than that. I can't believe she's only 19!

Fourth and final judgement time. Simon sends through Drew (apparently SHE's the no-brainer), Rachel (because that's "what America wants") and Melanie (TF for that). Thia is, surprisingly, likeably gracious in defeat. Simone, however, plugs her new single. Sounds like someone hasn't read their X Factor contract.

So there you go. What a massive disappointment. I guarantee next week will be better, though. (Please.)

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 3 - Rock week. Allegedly.

TEAM GARY
1. Marcus Collins - Are You Gonna Go My Way? (Lenny Kravitz)
If you're offering, Marcus. He gave it his all and was clearly out of his comfort zone; more glam rock than rock; more diva sass than rock n roll. But bless him he turned it up to 11 and sang it well.

TEAM KELLY
2. Janet Devlin - Sweet Child O Mine (Guns N Roses/Taken By Trees)
Taking her cues from the latter version, Janet does her "thing", i.e. copycat cutesy covers of cutesy covers. It's not exactly in the spirit of rock week, but was actually the best her voice has sounded. Although bits made me cringe, I didn't hate it. However, her VT made her look far from a sweet child o anybody's, and a bit of a petulant bitch, so I ain't buying. Loving how Louis commented on how she wasn't over-stylised with the hair, when she looked like Rebekah Brooks meets Crystal Tipps.

TEAM LOUIS
3. Sami Brookes - If I Could Turn Back Time (Cher)
Firstly, I love this song, but to deny it's become a cruise ship/karaoke classic is, at the very least, naive. So Louis Walsh continues to torch the career of his acts, and again turns to the charts from three decades ago. Sami's timing was out at the beginning, having missed out the second line, but I seem to be the only one who noticed. Including Sami. She did her best to over-sing it like a true rocker would (?!) and there were glimmers of a rock edge to her voice that could have been better served by a different song. As it was, Sami cruises on for another week. Hopefully.

TEAM TULISA
4. Rhythmix - Tik Tok/Push It (Ke$ha/Salt n Pepa)
Yes, rock week. Tulisa justifies it by adding guitars. For starters, they missed a trick by not doing Eurythmics for the pun alone; which isn't exactly rock, but is thrash metal compared to Ke$ha. Adding guitars to a pop/RnB song does not a rock song make, especially when mashed up with a 2nd RnB song. Their vocals were, at best, ropey anyway, so this is the first true car crash of the night. Prepare for a bit of a pile-up.

TEAM KELLY
5. Sophie Habibis - Livin' on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
Ouch! And I thought Marcus was out of his comfort zone tonight. Sophie does her "thing", i.e. suck the life out of a breezy anthem, and the "woah-OH"s on the chorus were not pretty. Pretty awful, one might say. But I wouldn't stoop so low. Car crash #2.

TEAM GARY
6. Craig Colton - Stop Crying Your Heart Out (Oasis)
Again, I love this song. I was retweeted (and replied to) by the one and only X Factor legend Rowetta for pointing out that she was the only one to successfully pull off a cover of this song. Even the mighty Leona Lewis managed to turn it into a dirge. On that front, this version managed to outdo Leona's. So Craig does HIS "thing", i.e. facial gurning and pointing angrily whilst over-singing in way he clearly thinks makes him sound like the male Whitney. He's not emoting, he's acting. Badly. And not singing much better. Not quite a car crash, but there are definite skid-marks.

TEAM LOUIS
7. Kitty Brucknell - Live & Let Die (Wings)
Kitty seems to be the only one to have understood rock week. But, let's face it, she'd have probably given the same performance if it had been ABBA week; all rawk screeching, pyrotechnics and DRAMA!!! Kitty's a curious one. Obviously bat-shit crazy, and not as talented as she thinks she is- but talented nonetheless, and a confident performer. You just KNOW she'd slit someone's throat if meant winning.

TEAM GARY
8. Frankie Cocozza - Rocks (Primal Scream)
Car crash #3, obviously. We see a charming VT of Frankie being a disobedient, unprofessional prick before walking on stage via b/w rockumentary footage. So THIS is what Gary Barlow sees in Frankie. He's a rock star in the boozy, womanising arsehole kind of way. Instead of, you know, singer. And, to be fair, he has that rock n roll swagger. Unfortunately, there's no vocal talent there to back it up. Gary's wisely chosen a song with little actual singing in it, so Frankie's tuneless skwawking almost fit the song. I'd rather see him fit into a meat grinder, I'm sure it'd be audibly superior for a start.

TEAM TULISA
9. The Risk - Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
With guitars, obviously. So that's why Tulisa's been on the offensive tonight. I she had a third act, they'd probably perform a Timbaland song. With guitars. I actually quite liked the rockier arrangement, and their harmonies are definitely improving.

TEAM LOUIS
10. Johnny Robinson - I Believe In A Thing Called Love (The Darkness)
God help me... Okay, so he got some of the words wrong, bits of the vocals were off, and the stage presence was... well, inappropriate. That was so many kinds of wrong, but just a little bit of right! He really can SING! Predictions of a car crash were premature. And Gary really should know better than to get into a cat fight with a queen. BOOM! Bitch goes down again!

TEAM KAREN
11. Misha B - Purple Rain (Prince)
Misha B-yond Thunderdome! Channelling Tina Turner in attitude and costume, Misha delivers the best vocal of the night. Meanwhile the judges argue about backstage bitching and bullying. Time and a place, people. I'm getting flashes of Sharon Osbourne's finale speech to Steve Brookstein. I miss Sharon.

So, in summary:
Stars: Johnny, Misha B
Good: Marcus, Kitty, The Risk
Disaster averted: Janet, Sami, Craig
Pile-up: Rhythmix, Sophie, Frankie

RESULTS SHOW

Bottom two:
TEAM LOUIS - Sami and Kitty

Sami Brookes - (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman (Aretha Franklin)
Frankly, she should be eliminated just for choosing this song, given how she's moaned about Louis's choices of cruise ship karaoke covers. The only song I can think of that's a greater example of a cruise ship karaoke song than Natural Woman is I Will Survive. That said, her vocal was absolutely flawless.

Kitty Brucknell - The Edge of Glory (Lady Gaga)
It also irritates me when people drag out their audition piece on their survival song, as Kitty has done here. However, she does give that song her own twist in a way that doesn't date it or her. You know she means business.

Gary sends home Sami.
Kelly sends home Sami.
Tulisa sends home Kitty.
Louis sends home Sami.

Whoever is voting for Frankie out there, STOP IT. It's not big and it's not clever.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 2 - Love & Heartache

TEAM TULISA
1. Nu Vibe - With Or Without You (U2)
I loved the modern dance floor arrangement, and if this was available as a full-length studio version, I'd buy it right now. However, as I have to settle for this truncated live version, I'll give it a miss. Given the only thing bad about it was their live vocals, I'd have to say its the second week in a row they've screwed it up.

TEAM LOUIS
2. Sami Brookes - I Will Always Love You (Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston)
FFS, Louis Walsh, do you have a big book of clichéd song choices next to your bloody rule book? Yes it's a great song to show what you can do vocally, but this has been done to death. Fortunately for all concerned, Sami pulled it off. Despite Louis's best efforts. Again. And Louis, the Welsh are not going to vote for someone just because they're Welsh. They have to be good, too. Fortunately, Sami is.

TEAM GARY
3. Craig Coulton - The Best Thing I Never Had (Beyoncé)
There's something oddly charming and irritating about seeing a chubby white boy channelling a middle-aged black diva. Unfortunately he's gone from someone I was pleased to see go through to someone that's actually not as good as I thought they were. I'm seeing less of the underdog and more of the smug twat.

TEAM KELLY
4. Janet Devlin - Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley)
I think I'm starting to get the appeal of Janet. There's something quite cosy about her voice, even if it does border on twee. There are times when it feels as though she's backing away from some notes, but I'd much prefer her whispery approach to the yodelling Aguilera approach. She's growing on me.

TEAM GARY
5. Frankie Cocozza - The Scientist (Coldplay)
Or, Cockozza. Putting the "cock" into "that guy's a talentless cock". I think he got the lyrics and the timing right, and I didn't literally die listening to it. That's about as positive as I can get. I don't get why Kitty's getting all the flack when Frankie's in the competition. I am so surprised at Gary Barlow on this one, I see and hear no talent, no charisma, nothing. The childish judge in-fighting has BEGUN!

TEAM LOUIS
6. Johnny Robinson - Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Kylie Minogue)
After being utterly speechless the first time I saw this, I shall try to critique as best I can. Glad to see Louis's first foray into the 21st Century this season (albeit on the song's 10th birthday), but as much as I love it (and Kylie), it's a performer's song, not a singer's song. It did nothing to showcase Johnny's voice, and whilst the Geisha staging was impressive, it only subtracted from a rather stiffly-prancing queen in half-drag. For Louis Walsh, credibility is not an option, and he doesn't understand that the other three judges clearly care about his acts more than he does.

TEAM GARY
7. Marcus Collins - Russian Roulette (Rihanna)
A nicely intense performance (if also insincere) that showed off his great voice, but that last note was a bit wobbly. Don't know what the judges heard, it was easily the best performance tonight so far.

TEAM TULISA
8. Rhythmix - I'm Like A Bird (Nelly Furtado)
Remember that Aguilera approach I mentioned earlier? Well, here it is, in case you didn't get the reference. Individually over-boiled vocals and unharmonious, shouty harmonies. I quite liked the musical arrangement, but the vocals were a bit of a cacophony. I get what they're trying to do, but it sounds bloody awful.

TEAM KELLY
9. Misha B - Would I Lie To You? (Charles & Eddie)
Even though the song was unrecognisable, I loved the arrangement, and it was hands-down the most professional performance of the night so far. True stage presence, musicality and audience-owning confidence. The vocals weren't perfect, but still impressive.

TEAM TULISA
10. The Risk - Just The Way You Are (Bruno Mars)
The harmonies on the verses were dreadful, and even the solos weren't great. But just as I'd written them off, it all came together for a rousing chorus. I think the one with the shortest hair is the one that's dragging them down vocally, but there's definite potential there.

TEAM KELLY
11. Sophie Habibis - Wherever You Will Go (The Calling/Charlene Soraia)
Whiny, screechy, barely melodic, and desperately mediocre. Nope, still don't get her. No wonder nobody's chanting her name, unless it's followed by "OFF!"

TEAM LOUIS
12. Kitty Brucknell - It's Oh So Quiet (Bjork)
Kitty on her fans: "If I don't believe in myself, how can they believe in themselves?" It's comments like that that get you the boos, Kitty. That and Louis Walsh turning his acts into pantomime characters. Literally. We've already had Aladdin, now it's the turn of Alice in Wonderland. I can't decide whether to respect Kitty for being game, or whether to castigate her for not telling Louis Walsh to FUCK RIGHT OFF!!! Her vocals were mostly decent, however, which alone puts her in the better half tonight.

My thoughts;
The stars: Sami, Marcus, Misha B.
The good: Janet, The Risk, Kitty.
The need-to-do-better: Nu Vibe, Craig, Sophie.
The Louis: Frankie, Johnny, Rhythmix.

RESULTS SHOW

ENSEMBLE: Hello (Martin Solveig/Dragonette)
Sophie comes on, singing surprisingly in tune. Then Marcus comes on, obviously lip-synching...Ah, it's a pre-recorded vocal. Frankie, obviously, still sounds shit. Craig, surprisingly, disappears in the vocal mix, whereas Kitty stands out, but in a good way. Interesting...

We see Kylie has tweeted "GO Johnny". He's chosen to take it as encouragement. I'm not so sure.

The bottom two are Nu Vibe (a shame) and... Frankie!!!! I can't believe it! God bless you, British public!!!

TEAM TULISA
Nu Vibe - Promise This (Cheryl Cole)
Redone as a ballad, it worked surprisingly well. Their solo vocals were surprisingly good- it all went wrong with the harmonies again. But it was way better than their other performances and WAY better than anything of which Frankie is capable.

TEAM GARY
Frankie Coccozza - Red (Daniel Merriweather)
Off-key from "note" one, it was an insult to ears everywhere. And this time he didn't even get the timing right.

Out: Nu Vibe. The judges are cunts. Especially Louis fucking Walsh.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 1 - International theme

TEAM KELLY ROWLAND
1. Amelia Lily - Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)
Performing an up-tempo combination of the MJ original and Chris Cornell rock version, she gave a confident performance and handled the vocal range pretty well. The pink hair wasn't really an issue, it was more about the horrific eye makeup.

TEAM LOUIS WALSH
2. Johnny Robinson - Believe (Cher)
Emerging from a giant glitter ball wearing a tin foil coat and sparkly tinted sunglasses (possibly borrowed from Elton John's 1976 wardrobe), Johnny goes all Donna Summer on us, doing the ballad-opening fake-out trick, before bursting into a carbon copy of the original version by Cher, but proving his voice is just not up to the task. Gary Barlow is spot-on by noting that Louis has turned a decent singer into a circus act. Experiment failed, Louis.

TEAM TULISA
3. Rhythmix - Super Bass (Nicki Minaj)
A youthful girl band singing a current hit, with a sprinkling of rap thrown in... Welcome to TEAM TULISA, everybody. And that's a good thing. Their voices didn't blend brilliantly for me, but they were each strong vocalists, especially given the energetic dance routine. A word of caution, though- We have one Cher Lloyd. We don't want that one, let alone another four.

TEAM GARY BARLOW
4. Frankie Cocozza - The A Team (Ed Sheeran)
Breathy and whispery, but in a bad, what-the-hell-is-a-melody way. The Russell Brand makeover was not inappropriate, although the "natural performer" comment from Louis was ridiculous given Frankie pretty much just kept one stiff leg, whilst stamping the other (with a variation of legs and foreward/backward rocking). I'm making it sound far more exciting than it was. Don't. Get. Frankie. At. All. No doubt a finalist, then.

TEAM KELLY
5. Sophie Habibis - Teenage Dream (Katy Perry)
This year's Rebecca Ferguson. Apparently she's good, but makes me want to cut my ears off. Actually, that's a little bit harsh, as her voice didn't sound like a foghorn, it was even rather pleasant. It was her dreary middle-aged-to-pensioner version of Teenage Dream that was the very definition of irony, robbing the song of its essential, youthful verve. Most amusingly, she looked like Dragons' Den newbie Hillary Devey from a distance. (That's not a good look).

TEAM LOUIS
6. Jonjo Kerr - You Really Got Me (The Kinks)
You have a clean cut, handsome guy, in a shiny tailored suit, with a decent MOR voice singing a Kinks song. It was like when somebody's three-year-old sings "I Wanna Sex You Up" or something. Song, singer, look... None of them match. His vocals were okay, but lacked the rough edge required for that song, and his stage presence was non-existent. Which is a huge shame, as there's definite talent there, not to mention the sympathy vote (he's a soldier).

TEAM TULISA
7. 2 Shoes - Something Kinda Ooooh (Girls Aloud)
Whilst the whole Essex thing goes completely over my head (to put it politely), these girls each have great voices. Unfortunately, this isn't a singer's song, and their vocals don't harmonise that well. By the time of the final verse/bridge it went all off-key and quite horrid. A missed opportunity, I fear.

TEAM GARY
8. James Michael - Ticket To Ride (The Beatles)
James has one of those voices that's quite in vogue at the moment, not dissimilar to Frankie's, that Ed Sheeran breathy whispery thing. It doesn't work for me, particularly when you take the "if you can't reach the notes, just say it or whisper it. Nobody will notice, honest" approach. On top of that, the slowed-down, acoustic/orchestral arrangement (with seriously inappropriate key change) was dreary and dull.

TEAM KELLY
9. Misha B - Rolling in the Deep (Adele)
Easily the stand-out vocalist so far, although I'm not sure replacing a stomping piano with a bontempi drumbeat is the same as "making it your own", even with Tim Westwood horns and a rap break. Give me the original any day, but it felt like it was true to her. Easily the best of the night so far. Kudos for keeping in the word "shit", too.

TEAM TULISA
10. Nu Vibe - Beautiful People (Chris Brown/Benny Benassi)
Here we have the ever-increasing X Factor trend of forming groups from good vocalists, but based on looks, rather than based on vocalists whose voices blend well. Not exactly a car crash, but it really didn't sound good.

TEAM GARY
11. Marcus Collins - Moves Like Jagger (Maroon 5/Christina Aguilera)
A great voice, decent stage presence, and appropriate song choice- given a modern disco vibe, rather than a retro one, or that of the funkier original. Next time, though, please lose the "come on" and "here we go", it sounds very cabaret. But he'll be here for a while. Or should be.

TEAM LOUIS
12. Sami Brookes - Free (Ultra Nate)
Sami goes all Donna Summer on us, doing the ballad-opening fake-out trick, before bursting into a carbon copy of the original version by... hang on, haven't I said this before? It's becoming increasingly apparent that turning a 15-year-old song into a disco anthem circa 40 years ago is clearly Louis Walsh's idea of making over 30s "current". Gary, again, summed it up perfectly by pointing out she, one of the best vocalists, is only here because laughing stock Goldie dropped out. Despite Louis's best efforts, she could be one to watch.

TEAM TULISA
13. The Risk - She Said (Plan B)
To repeat, yet again we have the X Factor trend of forming groups from good vocalists, but based on looks, rather than based on vocalists whose voices blend well. Great individual vocals do not necessarily make for a great group. Case in point here, their harmonies need some work. That said, many solo bits were definitely sung better than the original, and these guys have a collective cool (a la Plan B) that's been previously absent from The X Factor, even boy bands in general. Perfect song choice.

TEAM GARY
14. Craig Colton - Jar of Hearts (Christina Perri)
Craig has a great voice, and gave the performance his all, even if did feel a bit overacted and insincere. Some ballads work with the big Simon Cowell "stop, doosh, key-change" moment. Some don't, and this is one that doesn't work. Nice try, but his decent vocals will see him through for a while to come.

TEAM LOUIS
15. Kitty Brucknell - Who Wants to Live Forever? (Queen)
Obviously she's this year's Katie Waissel, the Marmite character who's getting more press for being a turd than her talent. However, on this evidence, Kitty is clearly more talented, so I'd rather not go down that route. Managing to be both stripped-down and overly dramatic, her performance was almost-whelming. At times, the vocals were a bit creaky, at other times, phenomenal. Compared to many others tonight, she's definitely proven she's no novelty act, and earned her place in the competition.

TEAM KELLY
16. Janet Devlin - Fix You (Coldplay)
"She's so unique." Like Diana Vickers meets Ellie Goulding meets Nicola Roberts meets Carol Decker... So not unique, then. Can we ban that word now, please? Her voice doesn't do much for me, I'm afraid. It's all a bit twee, breathy (lots of that tonight), and frequently off-key... But I have to give her her dues, she did a good job, pulling off the sincerity that Craig lacked.

RESULTS:
Each team loses an act, chosen by their mentor.

TEAM TULISA
Should have gone: Nu Vibe.
Gone: 2 Shoes

TEAM LOUIS
Should have gone: Johnny
Gone: Jonjo

TEAM KELLY
Should have gone: Sophie
Gone: Amelia

TEAM GARY
Should have gone: Frankie
Gone: James

The X Factor 2011 (update/preview)

Yep, it's back, so so am I! Well, nearly.

I've been waiting for the live shows with properly full performances to review, and they've finally started. Not only that, but we'll have the US X Factor starting their live shows in less than two weeks' time, and I'm hoping to review them too. And once that's all over we'll see the return of American Idol and (hopefully) the launch of The Voice UK, so hopefully there'll be plenty for me to write about.

As for now, I've just watched the rather underwhelming first round of the UK live shows. There's no public vote, as the judges each vote one of their own acts out of the competition tomorrow night. This will all have been and gone by the time I post my reviews, but my thoughts are already on Twitter (@shriggles) if you can't wait that long...!

Watch this space, hopefully I'll have posted something before the second round, next Saturday.

(c) SRW 2011. All opinions are mine. If you like what you read, all the better; if not, other opinions are available.

The Voice (US) - The Final

Each act sings twice- one cover duet with their coach, and one original solo song.

TEAM ADAM
1. Javier Colon - Stitch By Stitch.
Rodney Jerkins is a pop/RnB legend, and a wise choice as Javier's songwriter. Adam's vocal direction during the recording session was excellent, as Javier lacks vocal discipline (à la Xtina). The song itself is very good, if a little bland, and Javier did a decent job with what he had to work with, keeping it nicely restrained- but it wasn't the OMFG performance I was expecting from him. Even the judges seemed disappointed. I'd buy the single though.

TEAM BLAKE
2. Dia Frampton (with Blake Shelton) - I Won't Back Down (Tom Petty).
Their voices blended nicely, but when Dia went solo, her voice sounded very feeble. Whilst I acknowledge that her voice is something different, it still isn't working for me.

TEAM CEE-LO
3. Vicci Martinez - Afraid To Sleep.
The song was okay, it suited her well, but did little to showcase her vocals. You could feel a bit of the P!nk vibe, as the song was written by one of her collaborators. Vicci's stage presence was phenomenal, however.

TEAM CHRISTINA
4. Beverly McClellan (with Christina Aguilera) - Beautiful (Christina Aguilera).
Hmm. I love this song and I love Beverly. But this is exactly the kind of thing I feared from getting Xtina to coach a vocalist's performance. The melody was all over the place, and it just felt self-indulgent to me, rather than the emotional ride it should have been. I cannot stand singers who put their own vocal gymnastics above the song they're singing. It's like someone belching the alphabet. "Look what I can do!" "Yeah but it sounds shite." Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. No, Xtina. No, no, NO.

TEAM BLAKE
5. Dia Frampton - Inventing Shadows.
Her songwriter has worked with Adele, and the song's melody was strong- but Dia's vocals dragged the song down, particularly on the chorus, when it should have soared. I really hope someone covers this soon.

TEAM ADAM
6. Javier Colon (with Adam Levine) - Man in the Mirror (Michael Jackson).
Nicely done. Javier came close to overdoing his vocals at times, but credit to him for paying both Adam and the song their due respect.

TEAM CHRISTINA
7. Beverly McClellan - Lovesick.
Gutted that Beverly didn't sing a new Linda Perry song (especially as she was RIGHT FUCKING THERE) but it was a style that certainly suited her, even if there wasn't much of a song there. Beverly is a consummate performer, and owned that stage. A big improvement on the duet.

TEAM CEE-LO
8. Vicci Martinez (with Cee-Lo Green) - Love is a Battlefield.
Wow! They both turned it up to 11 for this one. Reminding me more of Ruslana's Ukrainian Eurovision winner "Wild Dances" than anything see on this show before, it was the perfect song and delivered perfectly.

Final thoughts (before results).
It's a tough one to call. It sounds like Dia has gone down very well in the US, apparently achieving an iTunes #1, and she has one of the better original songs (though all were surprisingly strong). But she is hands-down my least favourite. Javier probably has the best song and (potentially) the best voice. But you can't rule out Vicci and Beverly, despite them having the two weakest songs. Whilst I hated Beverly's duet, she smashed it on her original song, whereas Vicci's vocals sounded out of her depth on her original song, and amazing on her duet.

RESULTS SHOW

TEAM CEE-LO
1. Vicci Martinez (with Pat Monahan from Train) - Drops of Jupiter.
Another perfect match, Vicci did a great job again. She really thrives in a duet situation.

TEAM ADAM
2. Javier Colon (with Stevie Nicks) - Landslide.
Beautiful. Simple, with gorgeous harmonies, their voices melded beautifully. Surprisingly emotional.

TEAM CHRISTINA
3. Beverly McClellan (with Ryan Tedder from OneRepublic) - Good Life.
A strange choice- not only to put these two together, but this of all OneRepublic songs. The vocals- and song- were terrible. Thankfully the voting lines are closed. Xtina is really pissing over Beverly's career.

TEAM BLAKE
4. Dia Frampton (with Miranda Lambert) - The House That Built Me.
Nope. Still don't get her. It's a lovely song, and the performance was quite similar to Landslide... and yet SO different.

So the results are in, here we go... I'm curious to see the manner of the reveal as much as the result. These performances have certainly closed the gap.

The top two are Dia and Javier. They were #1 and #2 respectively on iTunes last night. And yet the winner is... Javier. Fair play. And congratulations to the best coach, Maroon 5's Adam Levine.

Can't wait for the UK version... Watch this space!

The Voice (US) - Semi finals

Okay, so it's the next round of live solo performances...

TEAM CHRISTINA
1. Frenchie - Like A Prayer (Madonna)
Inspired choice, crossing the pop lead with the gospel backing in one person. Unfortunately, it didn't entirely work, and at times she sounded like she was struggling vocally. Bits of it were great, though.

5. Beverly - Thrill Has Gone (B.B. King)
Not my kind of music, but that was fantastic.

TEAM CEE-LO
2. Nakia - Whataya Want From Me? (Adam Lambert)
A great stage performance, and the vocals were great- but no, Adam (Levine), the original is sung better.

8. Vicci - The Dog Days Are Over (Florence & The Machine)
Top job. Nice to hear the song sung in a very different voice to Florence's screech.

TEAM BLAKE
3. Dia - Losing My Religion (R.E.M.)
In terms of unique vocal identity, it's Team Blake all the way, Dia and Xenia each having very distinctive and recognisable voices. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of either, but Dia was definitely better this week than last week's snoozefest. She is a talented musician, but her voice just doesn't do it for me.

7. Xenia - The Man Who Can't Be Moved (The Script)
Blake knows he has a unique voice here, but is really missing the mark with his song choices. This is not a pop voice. Give her some Norah Jones or something. Xenia's voice does even less for me than Dia's, but even I can tell she isn't being served well by coach Blake.

TEAM ADAM
4. Casey - I Will Always Love You (Dolly Parton)
Wise words from Adam, in terms of AVOID WHITNEY AT ALL COSTS! She may have overcompensated by leaning too Dolly instead, but it was a sweet and vulnerable performance of what can be a real dirge.

6. Javier - Fix You (Coldplay)
More props to Adam for insisting Javier sticks to the melody. It was an oddly rocky arrangement that drowned out Javier's vocals slightly, but definitely his best so far for me.

RESULTS

Each coach has 100 points to split between their acts, and the American public get 100 points per team, giving each team 200 points in total.

TEAM CEE-LO
Cee-Lo gives Nakia 51, Vicci 49, but after watching it back, regrets not giving 50/50.
America gives Nakia 25, Vicci 75.
Vicci is through with 124 to Nakia's 76.

TEAM ADAM
Adam gives Casey 35, Javier 65. He says Casey is 18, so will have plenty of chances in the future; Javier's already had a few, and this might be his last.
America gives Casey 27, Javier 73.
Javier is through with 138 to Casey's 62.

TEAM BLAKE
Blake gives Dia 50, Xenia 50.
America gives Dia 56, Xenia 44.
Dia is through with 106 to Xenia's 94.

TEAM CHRISTINA
Christina gives Frenchie 50, Beverly 50.
America gives Frenchie 43, Beverly 57.
Beverly is through with 107 to Frenchie's 93.

I can't say a single result was a surprise, and it looks like it could be a decent final!

The Voice (US) - Quarter finals

Thought I'd chuck in a few thoughts about the new US talent series, The Voice.

Firstly, I love the format. The blind auditions, the duet battles, the judges' brutal decisions of which of "their" contestants go through. X Factor this is not.

However, the biggest problem and success of the X Factor is the judges' rivalries. On The Voice, the critiques of each others' acts are far too nice for my liking. So here are my honest thoughts on the first round of live songs.

TEAM CHRISTINA

1) Raquel Castro
Song: Ke$ha, "Blow"
Frankly, terrible. I don't know what the judges heard.

2) Beverly McClellan
Song: Melissa Etheridge, "I'm the Only One"
Excellent, but very copycat. She needs to find her own identity.

3) Lily Elise
Song: Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry"
Very good, mostly. Nicely restrained, but it all went a bit wrong at the end when she attempted the runs, and failed spectacularly.

4) Frenchie Davis
Song: David Guetta feat. Kelly Rowland, "When Love Takes Over"
A brave choice, and she pulled it off.

TEAM BLAKE

1) Jared Blake
Song: Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody"
Very good, but very copycat. Great stage presence, he performed like a pro.

2) Dia Frampton
Song: Kanye West, "Heartless"
Stood out in that it was nicely stripped down. She sang it well, but my god it was BORING!

3) Xenia
Song: Jessie J, "Price Tag"
Ouch. Xenia has a very infectious voice, with something oddly unique and familiar about its cosy tone. But this was the completely wrong song choice for her voice. Terrible.

4) Patrick Thomas
Song: Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance"
Scotty McCreery 2. 'Nuff said.

TEAM CEE-LO

1) Tori & Taylor Thompson
Song: Beverly Sisters, "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy"
Given these girls have limited talent, they actually did a decent job. Doing Bananarama vocals, rather than their previously poor attempts at harmonies, worked in their favour. No way they're going through though.

2) Vicci Martinez
Song: Dolly Parton, "Jolene"
An unusual choice, but her voice and the arrangement melded beautifully, bringing out the melancholy of the song effectively.

3) Nakia
Song: Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"
He gave it his all, and his voice was more than up to the job. Personally, I think he deserved better.

4) Curtis Grimes
Song: Robert Palmer, "Addicted To Love"
A great idea- a country version of Addicted to Love. Unfortunately he didn't have Patrick Thomas, he had Curtis Grimes, and his vocals were not up to the task. Dreadful.

TEAM ADAM

1) Casey Weston
Song: KT Tunstall, "Black Horse & Cherry Tree"
Very good. Glad she listened to Adam and went up-tempo.

2) Devon Barley
Song: One Republic, "Stop and Stare"
Much like Xenia, I think it was not a good song choice for Devon's voice, which has a smoky tone, rather than a belter, which this song requires. I still hope he gets through though.

3) Jeff Jenkins
Song: Carrie Underwood, "Jesus, Take The Wheel"
Yet another poor song choice. Either that, or Jeff isn't as good as we thought he was. The low range was too low, the high notes were not what they should have been. Oh dear.

4) Javier Colon
Song: Sarah McLachlan, "Angel"
He has a fantastic voice, and is surely the favourite to win. But only bits of this were recognisable as "Angel" as he warbled his way around the melody, rather than sang any of it. We have one David Archuleta, we don't need another one. Or the one we have, for that matter.

RESULTS

TEAM CHRISTINA
America saved Beverly.
Xtina saved Frenchie.
Good result!

TEAM BLAKE
America saved Dia.
Blake saved Xenia.
Not so good a result.

TEAM CEE-LO
America saved Vicci.
Cee-Lo saved Nakia.
Awesome result!

TEAM ADAM
America saved Javier.
Adam saved Casey.
The two best performances went through, but poor Devon.

American Idol 2011 - Final

Okay, so it's the all-country final, and it doesn't get more all-country than Scotty McReary (sic). He's going to win. I'm not saying I want him to win- I don't- or that I know he has- I'm writing this as I watch, and have avoided spoilers. However, they're giving Lauren Alaina a fair shot by bringing out the sob stories that Lauren's hurt her vocal chords but will soldier on. I'm sure it's true, but if she's okay, why are we hearing about it? Anything that gives Lauren an edge over Scrotty (sic) is fine by me.

ROUND ONE: Contestants' favourite past performance.
1. Scotty - Gone (Mongonery Gentry).
Credit where it's due, Scotty has actually come a long way. That was a confident, professional performance with a perfect vocal and a perfectly-pitched song choice. It's a shame he's so odious to watch. The smug smirk, wonky mic thing, winks to camera... He looks in the mirror and sees Justin Timberlake, doesn't he? Unfortunately I see Curious George.

2. Lauren - Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood).
Ah, THAT's why they mentioned the voice thing. Clearly stretched to her absolute limit, Lauren gave it her all, but her actual voice had other ideas. At times, the vocal cracks added a nice texture to her voice, but it's clearly not what she was aiming for. Like Scotty, she performed it well and, whilst the signs of struggle have appeared, she wasn't as out-of-breath as she was the first time she sang this.

Round one: Scotty. Damnit.

ROUND TWO: Idols' choices.
1. Scotty (chosen by George Strait) - Check Yes Or No (George Strait).
Yeah, it was alright. Whatever. I have no criticism, but won't be buying it.

2. Lauren (chosen by Carrie Underwood) - Maybe It Was Memphis (Pam Tillis).
Not the most exciting song in the world, but a great choice as a showcase for Lauren's voice, as it sounded gorgeous.

Round two: Lauren.

Randy & JLo agree with my verdicts, Lauren seems adorably excited. Scotty doesn't appear to be aware of Lauren. Steven gives both rounds to Lauren "because she's prettier". He's the judge added to the panel to give it musical credibility, right?

ROUND THREE: Winners' (potential) singles.
1. Scotty - I Love You This Big.
I only need the title to know this sing choice is perfect for Scotty. Not only does it sound mawkishly sentimental in a way that Scotty could deliver with sincerity, but is also grammatically incorrect.
He put his arms outstretched sideways when he sang "this big"! Who saw THAT coming? Fortunately, the song was dull as hell, even by my bland-loving standards. (And yet, I suspect I might like it with someone else's interpretation.) He went a bit off on the key change, and I cannot see how ANYONE, especially Randy, could have been impressed by that last note. Surprisingly, Scotty wasn't up to his usual blandly competent standard on that song, and I actually got the impression he hated it, à la Taylor Hicks.

2. Lauren - Like My Mother Does.
At least they didn't go for the word "Momma". The intro was spoiled a little by the out-of-tune ukulele player, but compensated by raking up the sentimental factor as Lauren walked off-stage to sing to her mother. Utterly shameless, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Kudos to Lauren for not breaking down and delivering an astonishing vocal throughout. It was genuinely emotional, and someone on American Idol 2011 has finally (FINALLY!) had that "moment". Fantastic.

Round three: As Steven put it, "Lauren gets it, hands-down". Randy agrees, JLo bottles it with a non-committal "tight race".

The performance show ends with Season 7 winner David Cook, about whom we'd all forgotten, giving us his version of "Don't You Forget About Me". He does a decent job, but I'm more amused by the knowledge that David Archuleta (the smug-faced little turd that Cook defeated) is in the audience.

Results Show


That is NOT a flattering look on Lauren.

We kick things off with the top 24 giving a suitably tuneless version of Born This Way. Stefano does his best to hog the camera, reminding us why he was voted out. Ashthon looked unrecognisable thanks to an attack of the hair straighteners, whilst Casey Goon looked so out of place in the background, bless him.

This is followed by James Durbin joining Judas Priest on a medley of their songs (I'm assuming) and, frankly, made their lead singer look (and sound) like the amateur. Still didn't do much for me though. Cue plug for their tour.

Comedy VT time! First up, Randy The Veteran. Basically he asks "what kind of show is this" and says "in it to win it" a lot.

Just in case the all-country final didn't make it abundantly clear, Americans have a tendency to love Jesus. And I mean like REALLY love Jesus. But in case you missed it, here's Jacob and "gospel star" Kirk Franklin, singing "I Smile". I love how they chose to represent "the church" with the biggest screaming queen ever seen on the Idol stage (yes I do remember Adam Lambert, and he was macho compared to Jacob). Gladys Knight suddenly wanders onto stage unannounced, yet nobody seems surprised. It's like it was planned or something. Cue plug for her Vegas show.

Casey sings/growls his way through Fat Bottom Girls with Jack Black. I'm sure they had fun and it made me smile, but more so as I turned the volume down. I guess Seth Roegen was busy. Cue plug for Kung Fu Panda 2.

The top 6 eliminated girls perform a Beyoncé medley. The stand-out "cover your ears" moments tended to come from Haley's solos. Yep, the one that nearly made the final. The harmonies were horrific. As expected, Pia's vocals stood out, unfortunately during the horrific Deja Vu. Just bring her out already... Ah, here she comes. She opts to demonstrate her dancing skills over her vocal ones, but whatever.

Comedy VT time! Second up, Steven The Loose Cannon. By which they mean he swears a lot and pervs a lot.

Haley joins Tony Bennett for a hideous jazz Stepping Out. Time to make a cuppa. Actually, Haley never sounded better. Cue plug for his new album.

Comedy VT time! Jennifer The Most Beautiful Woman in the World. By which they mean loads of contestants tell her they grew up fancying her. Must be rewarding to know your only contribution to a judging panel Is looking good.

TLC (the L being Lil' John) perform a hit medley. T-Boz sounded like she was lip-synching (which would be a huge compliment if she wasn't), and I'm not sure I've ever heard Chili anyway. Some of the girl rejects pop up to provide more dreadful harmonies.

Scotty joins Tim McGraw for Live Like You're Dying (no, not previous Idol winner Kris Allen's song). It basically sounds like every other song Scotty did, though Tim certainly out-sung Scotty. Unfortunately the voting lines are now closed.

Comedy VT time! It's the shit contestant compilation. It's funny cos they think theyre people. Cue bad singing, injuries, crying, tantrums and the greatest moment of the series- a guy back-flipping onto a cameraman (and his camera).

Marc Anthony (JLo's husband) performs what sounds like a Latin opera over the instrumental of Copacabana. Time for another cuppa. Oh, hang on... JLo's not sitting at the judges' table. How odd, you think she'd be there cheering on her hubby. Oh, silly me- she's just appeared on stage! Did NOT see THAT coming. Fortunately, she goes nowhere near a mic and decided to wiggle her substantial booty instead. I'm sure for many THAT was the series highlight.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss being rejected, particularly Casey and James, before wheeling out Pia wearing a sash identifying her as most shocking elimination. Fair play.

The top 6 rejected boys perform a pretty decent Tom Jones medley (up to "What's New Pussycat?" anyway) and the Welshman joins them for "It's Not Unusual". Wisely, he doesn't do the hip-swivel thing.

Interesting bit here, as I'm watching the US version, and there is now a load of Ford product placement. We usually see the music videos, but they haven't made it into the UK shows this year- which is a shame, as this week's music video features a compilation of past videos, and they look pretty spectacular. So this paragraph will not apply to UK viewers. Cue VT of Ford donating loads of cash to the schools of the finalists, with their favourite teachers getting invites to the show where they're each presented with a "brand New Ford Focus", and the finalists themselves get the Ford vehicle of their choice. We don't know what they'll choose, but my guess is Scotty gets a pick-up truck, and Lauren opts for a Ka.

Lady Gaga brings a cliff on stage for Edge of Glory (see what she did there?) whilst wearing a beaded curtain on her head. She presently whips it off to reveal the obligatory Gaga black-and-sparkles bikini underneath and then writhes with a shirtless hottie before they jump off said cliff. Lady knows how to put on a show, I'll give her that!

Lauren launches into "Before He Cheats", so since we all know where it's going, they cut to the chase and wheel in season four winner Carrie Underwood for the first chorus. Lauren does a decent job of holding her own, but I have a big soft spot for Carrie Underwood, and, despite a very generous "look at Lauren, not me" performance, Carrie still manages to outshine her.

Comedy VT time! The rejects discuss the humiliation of being beaten by a couple of schoolchildren.

Beyoncé returns to perform "her new single", "1+1". Yes, the sooner we forget the travesty to music that was her new single, "Run The World (Girls)", the better. The song may repeat the line "make love to me", but surely I misheard her when it sounded like she sang "I don't know much about cunt"? Oh, "guns". Quite a boring song, and an indulgent vocal performance almost worthy of Stefano- except that you could at least tell she was listening to what she was singing.

We then get a mahoosive plug for the massively-derided Spider-Man musical as Reeve Carney (me neither) is joined by composers Bono & The Edge to perform "Rise Above". Some great Spidey acrobatics, but the song's pretty useless. And was it just me or did the riff on the intro sound like Adam Buxton's "Quantum
Of Solace" spoof?

And now the big surprise... Steven Tyler performs "Dream On". Er... the only surprise is that it's taken all season to get him on stage, and that's even with a new single to plug. Unless Eminem's going to join him for "Sing For The Moment"? Nope, that's it.

"Dim the lights, here we go!"

And the winner is...

Scotty. Told ya. Goddamnit.

Needless to say, he thanked "The Lord first", launched into his horrid single, then proceeded to hug the entire front row, one by one, before treating the other contestants to the same, whilst trying- and failing- to sing.

One final thing... I really don't recommend trying to eat falling confetti. Have these people never seen Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice?