American Idol 2011 - Top 7 - Songs from 21st Century

Ensemble - So What? (P!nk)
Remember how awesome it was when we FINALLY got rid of Paul last week? Guess who's back, along with the other rejects from this season? Whatever Steve Tyler says, they only proved why they've already gone. No more no less. Now please, no more.

1. Scotty - Swingin' (LeAnn Rimes).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique mic technique (flute comparisons not inaccurate), he then uses said technique strutting around the stage, around the judges, doing his thing the way he does his thing. At least it was up-tempo and quite different from his usual stool performance. So, obviously, the judges pick THIS week to criticise him for being samey. A bit late, but nice of you to join us.

2. James - Uprising (Muse).
After getting an amusing critique over his unique dress sense, he gives a pretty impressive performance of a damn difficult song. Not a fan of the extra falsetto chorus, but apparently it was a dare from Muse themselves. You know, Muse, the arty, credible band who aren't at all sell-outs. Nope. Not at all.

3. Haley - Rolling In The Deep (Adele).
After getting an amusing critique over her growl and attitude, she appears on a stool in a polka dot gingham dress to sing a song about anger and rejection. That aside, she has never sounded better and whilst she clearly didn't get what she was singing, sounded amazing. (Mostly.)

4. Jacob - Dance With My Father (Luther Vandross).
After getting an amusing critique over his diva antics, we see him rehearsing in tears. As for the live performance, something went wrong at the beginning, but he recovered well and made it through by obviously disconnecting a little, which was understandable. Not a fan of his wailing at the end, but this is one of his strongest for weeks.

5. Casey - Harder to Breathe (Maroon 5).
After getting an amusing critique over the fact that he's batshit crazy, he goes on to make a rather good job of a very wordy song without gasping for air. I actually liked the cheesy choreography and thought it was without doubt his best performance. Not sure about him raping J-Lo's cheek though. Cue Ryan entering stage with a fake Amish beard. So THAT's what Ryan Seacrest would look like with testosterone.

6. Stefano - Closer (Ne-Yo).
After getting an amusing critique over his flirty confidence, Jimmy Iovine struggles again - in vain, again - to get the Stefano out of Stefano. Cue him strutting again, grabbing girls' hands, caterwauling and some embarrassing attempts at sexy dancing. Surprise surprise he's more in love with himself than the song - again, but at least he let the song have a shot at the beginning, before putting the Stefano into it. The vocals were alright. Up until then, anyway.

7. Lauren - Born to Fly (Sara Evans). Nope, me neither.
After getting an amusing critique over her accent (RACISTS!) Lauren does a decent job of an up-tempo country song. Can't really say any more or less than that. She gives each song its proper dues, the anti-Stefano if you will, but is in danger of falling behind in the process.

Wow, good week this week. Nobody was terrible, which is a first. Not counting Paul's cameo, of course.

My top 3: Casey, Jacob and James.

My bottom 3: Stefano. That is all. (But I wouldn't miss Scotty or Haley.)

Results Show
Jacob, Haley, Lauren and Stefano embark on a surprisingly decent version of Hey Soul Sister. Not much else to report.
We then get James, Scotty and Casey performing an initially painful rendition of Viva La Vida, but improves as they ease in.
Casey's safe, Jacob's not.

Former winner David Cook sings his new single. Everyone else pretends to care. I'm sure it'll change the world. Fo sho.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) where the contestants watch a game of rounders, go bowling and get pampered. I notice Scotty's wearing a "Trojan Men" t-shirt. Is the good Christian boy being sponsored by a condom company?

Stefano isn't safe, Lauren and James are. Scotty is safe, so Haley isn't. And then is. So the bottom two is now Stefano and Jacob.

Katy Perry appears upside down to perform ET with Kanye West, half of whose performance was videotaped. Disappointed that Taylor Swift didn't invade the stage though. Quite a spectacular performance, to be fair, even if Katy's voice is far from flawless live.

Stefano's out. Jimmy Iovine may not have managed to get the Stefano out of Stefano's performances, but the American public have managed to take the Stefano out of American Idol. So he gives a very Stefano performance of Lately to confirm that, yep, he needs to go home.

American Idol 2011 - Top 8 - Movie Week

Great. Do we get that talentless homophobic twat Will.I.Am every week now?

1. Paul - Old Time Rock N Roll (Risky Business)
W. T. F. No. Just no. Dressed like a matador, strutting like a chicken, screeching like a chicken.

2. Lauren - The Climb (Hannah Montana)
Rather than having a better voice than Miley Cyrus, they actually sound remarkably similar on this song, and, frankly, Joe McElderry had them both beat. I can't say I felt any emotion the way the judges claimed to.

3. Stefano - End of the Road (Boomerang)
Great. The guy who oversings does a song by the group that oversings. It appears either he doesn't know the lyrics, or I never did. He's still dead behind the constipated eyes, he's still loving himself more than the song, he's still not getting it. If J-Lo thinks he's finally answered her criticism from a few weeks ago, then I take it back- she wasn't right. The point I thought she was making still stands.

4. Scotty - I Cross My Heart (Pure Country)
After surprising everybody by opting for Everybody's Talkin', he caves and goes for... shock horror... a country song. Don't know the song, don't know the film, don't care, don't care, don't care. I'm sure he'll go on to outsell Lady Gaga in the US, but nobody outside of their borders will give a shit. And this is from someone who likes Carrie Underwood.

5. Casey - Nature Boy (no fucking clue)
Obviously we'll have the double bass every week after last week's comments. Well, vocally, we're back in Teen Spirit mode, but at least that performance couldn't have been called boring. Actually worse than Paul. For real. Cue standing ovation from the judges. For real. Yeah, okay make out you didn't waste the save on Casey now that Pia's gone. I'm not buying it. "A true artist". Yes, people have said that about elephants too, you know.

6. Haley - Call Me (American Gigolo)
The most karaoke this season has been so far. At times, pretty awful. Someone's confidence is writing cheques their voice can't cash. Finally, Randy's got something right this week. "I love it when you start wailing at the end". Another backhanded compliment courtesy of J-Lo there.

7. Jacob - Bridge Over Troubled Water (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Glad he got a telling-off for his comments last week. But THAT was an emotional performance. Didn't quite give me the chills as it should have, but hands down best of the night so far.

8. James - Heavy Metal (Heavy Metal?!?)
A while ago I suggested James was becoming the rock equivalent of Scotty. This confirms it. I'm sure it was very good, but whatever.

My top 3: Jacob, Lauren (I guess) and... There isn't a third.

My bottom 3: Casey, Paul, Haley.

Results Show

Scotty and Lauren - American Honey (Lady Antebellum)
It only a matter of time before Scotty ends up singing a Taylor Swift song, isn't it? They're also doing their very best to squeeze the personality out of Lauren by sticking her with the blandest songs and the blandest performer left. Fortunately, she managed to outshine him but just being there.

Next up, a VT (that stands for Video Tape) in which the contestants dress up as zombies. Alright. James Durbin looks NO different.

Haley & Casey then perform a hellish jazz duet that I just want to forget ever happened. If this is a sign of things to come, they'd better both be voted out tonight. I can'sk takes no mo'.

Scotty is safe. Pun intended. Lauren too, thankfully. Haley's in the bottom three, Casey is safe. Looks like America bought the judges' efforts then.

Rob Reiner gives the contestants some advice on acting or something. Worth it if only for him rubbing it into Casey that he's a poor man's Seth Roegen, although he apparently sees himself as Jack Black.

Kelly Clarkson duets with some country guy on some country song that's apparently a "hit". Glad to see she's holding her own against Carrie Underwood, then. The switch to country is pure coincidence. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep. LOVE her back-pedalling on last week's Casey comment. Egg on MY face.

Stefano, Paul, James and Jacob perform The Sound of Silence as a group together. Way to showcase those vocals. Then Mrs Robinson gives James and Paul their chance to "shine". Oh how I love hearing Paul's beautiful voice in isolation. Honest. Really. Fo' sho'. Yep...

James is safe, Stefano isn't. Jacob's safe, PAUL ISN'T!!!!! Woo hoo! They act like it's the first time. Where were they two weeks ago?

Rihanna performs California King in a pretty spectacular fashion. Ah, so THAT's how it's done.

Ryan points out that Haley is safe, meaning whoever leaves will be the first guy to leave the competition. I hadn't even noticed. Thankfully it's PAUL!!! A.F.T.

American Idol 2011 - Top 9 - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

Be warned. This one's particularly sweary.

1. Jacob - Man In The Mirror.
First up we get a hideously arrogant VT (that stands for Video Tape), in which he decides upon Let's Get It On before switching to this, saying if someone doesn't like his performance it's not his fault, it's because they don't like what's in the mirror. Way to get the crowd on side. As it happens, it was a very powerful, well-controlled vocal; it might even have been his best if the VT (that stands for Video Tape) hadn't put me off.

2. Haley - Piece of My Heart.
After some genuinely useful instruction from Will.I.Am (that name is such a pain in the arse to type) in which Haley is persuaded to emote, she then does exactly the same performance again; not in the slightest bit convincing. That said, it was easily her best vocal, although she overdid the gravelly thing in a way that sounded forced to me.

3. Casey - Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
Another switcheroo as Casey changes his mind from Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, to a rather bland, if competent performance. I'd hardly call his consistent use of the double bass "revolutionary", as my enjoyment switched rather rapidly to boredom. I think it's fair to say that that judges' save was wasted after all.

4. Lauren - Natural Woman.
Once again, what starts as a decent vocal turns into something rather bland and boring. A shame, since Lauren isn't. This song is usually a showstopper for good reasons, whereas this just ground everything to a halt.

And those people in the audience who keep interrupting to shout "I love you!" and other such banalities should be FUCKING SHOT. If you love them so much, listen to what they have to say, and give them their moment, don't make it about you.

5. James - While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
Whilst Pia keeps doing ballads and Scotty keeps doing (what sounds like) the same country song, James keeps doing the same rock performance. So I respect his decision to change it up with a ballad, at the risk of alienating the audience's level of excitement, as Will.I.Am feared. Frankly, the last two performers managed that already, so that so this can only shake them up. This should have been outstanding and beautiful, but only highlighted what a great voice James doesn't have, despite the histrionics at the end. However, he did achieve the sincere, emotional performance they wanted out of Haley, even if it did make for a shaky vocal.

6. Scotty - That's Alright Mama.
In Randy's critique, he suggests that this performance proved Scotty wasn't a one-trick pony, as he moved around the stage and had fun. Erm... How can I put this politely? That's fucking bollocks. Despite the up-tempo song, Scotty sat on the stairs with his trademark smug face/wonky mouth/raised mic hand combo before simply walking around the judges' table and then standing in front of them, moving as though he's having trouble pinching one out. This is a very easy song to move to, and lends itself to a great on-stage performance. This was not that performance. Turns out his previous performances must have been rather good after all.
And as for the "spontaneous" stage invasion from the teens, pur-lease. Whatevs. Ryan Seacrest's "acting" put paid to that.

7. Pia - River Deep, Mountain High.
Firstly, FUCK YOU Will.I.Am for dissing Madonna's performing abilities. Yeah, it's difficult for Madonna to scale the legendary heights reached by Fergie and Cheryl Cole. The point he was trying to make stands, however- Tina Turner is a different beast from Pia as a performer, but Pia is clearly more inspired by the Celine Dion version of the song. Sadly, she didn't manage to live up to either on the vocals (though obviously still the best heard tonight), and the stage performance part amounted to little more than Scotty's. Minus the constipation. That was no Tina, Celine, Madonna, Fergie or Cheryl on the performance level. I'm missing Naima this week.

8. Stefano - When A Man Loves A Woman.
He can sing with an impressive range, but there is nothing behind those cold, dead, pretty eyes. J-Lo's talking bollocks again, Randy's getting it; Stefano's good, but missing it. We have one David Archuleta, we don't need another one.

9. Paul - Folsom Prison Blues.
Every week, I can't help but shout "is he still here???" when his overly-smiley Bradley Cooper face pops up on-screen. Singing "I shot a man just to watch him die" with a jolly, jaunty smile on your face just doesn't work for me, even if Will.I.Am persuaded you that it would be a good idea. But, surprisingly, the vocals weren't as painful as usual. Note the "as".

Top 3: Jacob, James, Pia.

Bottom 3: Paul, Scotty, Stefano.

RESULTS SHOW

First up, a rock medley. The three girls kick things off in various keys with disastrous results. When the boys kick in it doesn't get much better. By which I mean none. By the time we get to the third track of this seamless "medley", you're just wishing it to be over.

Cue special guest Russell Brand. Many of them clearly have no idea who he is- either that, or they hate him with a vengeance. The more I see of his acting, the less I like him, so I'm glad here he's in his comfort zone, playing to his strengths, doing his schtick. This basically consists of riffing off the top of his head, talking bollocks and hoping at least some of what comes out is funny.

Kelly Clarkson has a crush on Casey, apparently. Really. I'm sure if he was shoved enthusiastically in front of her she'd totally make out with him. Totally. They'll have little goon kids and everything. Totes. Anyway, Stefano's in the bottom three.

Constantine returns to perform a very bizarre version of Unchained Melody and plug a show he's in. It's part successful re-imagining, part hideous car crash. I can't quite decide which part wins out.

Gwen Stefani (of all people) give the three rather bland girls style tips. Or not. One of the most pointless pieces of TV I've ever seen, to be frank. Gok Wan, she is not, girlfriend. It's all about the confidence. Pia is also in the bottom.

Run VT (that stands for Video Tape). A bizarre press conference rehearsal-type thingy with "news" (gossip) website TMZ. It appears some of the contestants have personalities, some don't. Go figure.

Jacob makes up the rest of the bottom three. Apparently, America dislikes its own reflection. Stefano is visibly shitting himself.

Next up, a very enthusiastically rock n roll performance from human Pepperami Iggy Pop. SOMEONE had to bring the rock n roll on rock n roll week, right? That reminds me, I need car insurance...

The results are in, Pia's going home. THIS is what the judge's save was intended to prevent. Not to save Alice the Fucking bearded Goon. On the other hand, she does make Catherine McPhee appear to have personality, so she wouldn't have been a worthy winner. But she definitely earned her place in the final against this sorry crop.

American Idol 2011 - Top 11 (redux) - Elton John

Here's hoping its use in the Elton VT (that stands for Video Tape) means nobody sings the Godawful "Bennie & the Jets"...

1. Scotty - Country Comfort.
One Trick Pony does his one trick again. I don't care. Oh, wait... He loves his grandma! That's a truly rare individual up there. Apparently the judges seem to actually think that. "When I saw Country I said ooh let's go!" Yes, Scotty, that's how we all feel.

2. Naima - I'm Still Standing.
No shit, Naima. Does simply being black actually make singing in a fake Jamaican accent acceptable? Apparently so. Ironically, it worked for her- obviously, the vocals were frequently off, but she gave the song her own vibe without simply singing the wrong notes, as other contestants do. For once, I'm being more positive than the judges. She hasn't just earned another reprieve from me, she's earned her place in the competition. Finally.

3. Paul - Rocket Man.
Nice acoustic arrangement. Unfortunately it was ruined about three seconds in, once the vocals started. I'm starting to think the real Bradley Cooper must have a better voice. Enough now. PLEASE go home. Stephen Tyler said that he actually loves the fact he can't sing in tune. Bit of a back-handed compliment, that one. But not inaccurate. (Except for the "love" bit, obviously.)

4. Pia - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me.
What a load of ballads. But if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? Right? RIGHT? WAKE UP, SHE'S FINISHED!
(But best vocal so far tonight.)

5. Stefano - Tiny Dancer.
Bless Jimmy Iovine. Ten attempts to get the Stefano out of Stefano's performance, but it seemed to pay off. I much prefer Stefano restrained like this- I just wish he'd work on his stage presence. He complained that his trousers were too tight for him to move his legs. It seemed to show on his face. But you can't help but feel he's thinking "damn I'm good", rather than telling the song's story, or selling its melody. He's gone from an early favourite to a frustrating watch. But he's heading in the right direction.

A brief- no, make that overly-long- interlude whilst Howie Mandell (the American Noel Edmonds) plugs his new flash mob show utterly shamelessly. I'd demand a boycott of the show after that if it wasn't for the fact that I LOVE flash mobs. I hate myself so much right now.

6. Lauren - Candle In The Wind.
A very nice performance, when she stuck to the melody as she promised to. Sadly, when she deviated- as she did a lot- it was always for the worse. But when it was good, it was very very good.

7. James - Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting).
Okay, so he went for the predictable option, but he was never going to do "Sacrifice", was he? He's starting to become the rock equivalent of Scotty, and I'm rapidly losing interest.

8. Thia - Daniel.
Thia had a fantastic opportunity with this song to blow us away. She didn't take it. But it's a step up from the last few weeks. It's a shame that she's easily the most robotic, bland performer left in the competition, given the potential in her voice.

9. Casey - Your Song.
Any other week, that performance would be dismissed as safe. As it happens, safe is exactly what Casey needs, and the admittedly faltering vocal was slavishly respectful in a way that worked. Not amazing, but I'm liking the new attitude.

10. Jacob - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
The VT alone made me suspect I'd hate this performance. I was half right. The first half was spectacular- then we had the oddest off-key change in history and it was all drama, no melody. Great last note, though. J-Lo earns a slap for the first "you made it your own" of the season. And he didn't, even. So there.

11. Haley - Bennie & the Jets.
Oh no she di'n't. Oh yes she fucking did. OUT! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!!! She hit a few nice notes but GET THE FUCK OUT!!!
(I honestly didn't know this song was coming up when I wrote my opening paragraph. What a pleasant surprise!)

My top three: Naima, Lauren & Casey. I suppose. Why not, eh? Pia, Thia and Stefano all have better voices, but are performing like robots. Some much-needed pulling-up of socks is required.

My bottom three: Haley, out of principle, Jacob, for overdoing the drama, and Paul, for being Paul.

Results Show

For some reason, we're getting duets. Okay.

Lauren & Scotty: I Told You So (Carrie Underwood & Randy Travis)
Actually pretty good- Lauren in particular has never sounded better. Scotty's style works very well in a duet.
They're both safe.

Naima & Jacob - Solid (Ashford & Simpson)
Not quite as impressive. Jacob clearly has the better voice, but Naima suited the song better as Jacon overdid it a bit. Again. But there was something very... uncomfortable. Horrid dancing, the kind you'd expect at an '80s wedding, and a lack of chemistry.
Jacob's safe, Naima's not.

Season Three winner Fantasia then sings her new single, Collard Greens & Cornbread (nope, me neither), an oddly retro doo-wop diva ballad. At least it's better than J-Lo's effort. As for the performance, she was a worthy winner, and showed off her still-impressive pipes. But I was far too distracted by the ridiculously unflattering over-glam outfit, and the pastie on her head.
(I saw her on Broadway, you know! She was awesome.)

Thia, Pia and Haley - Teenage Dream (Katy Perry)
Haley was immediately off-key, Pia's voice was oddly too big for the song, and Thia stood there awkwardly, looking like she's just making up the numbers. Which, let's face it, is becoming increasingly obvious.
Pia & Haley are safe, Thia's not.

Cut to Season Eight winner Kris. Not liking the new 'do, Kris.

And then an utterly random VT (that stands for Video Tape) where they meet former idols, Muhammad Ali and learn their super mansion isn't rainproof as Lauren slips down the stairs.

Paul, Casey, James, Stefano - Band on the Run (Wings)
Paul kicks things off in his trademark tunelessness, then the others join in in harmony and, remarkably, it gets all kinds of worse. By the time they get to the chorus, it's all evened out a bit but only James comes out smelling of anything other than shite.
Casey is safe; the judges must be more relieved than he is. James and Stefano are also safe, Paul is not. Thank fuck.

Bottom three: Paul, Naima and Thia. Apparently it's another unbelievable result. Frankly, only if Paul stays.

In a move that is DEFINITELY artistic, and not at all commercial, we get a Jamie Foxx/Will.I.Am duet. If you can call it that. (Basically they want to party and samba. They must really mean it, the number of times they repeat it.) It's from the soundtrack to the forthcoming film Rio. There's literally no way you could have know if they hadn't said. Honest. I'm sure the film isn't even a 20th Century Fox film.

Paul's safe. Thia and Naima are out.
W.
T.
F???
The girls' days were numbered, no question, but NOBODY deserves to go ahead of Paul.
NOBODY!

American Idol 2011 - Top 11 - Motown

1. Casey - Heard It Through The Grapevine.
It's hard to go wrong with this song, but Seth Goon tried his best. Wasn't that keen on the pub-band bassy arrangement, but his vocals were okay. Cringing was at a minimum, compared to his previous performances. Though not entirely absent, obviously.

2. Thia - Heatwave.
Such a big song with such a big arrangement made her voice sound very small and trebly. However, what was audible was in tune and on pitch. Plus, she stuck to the melody which earns extra points from me. She's no superstar, but deserves to be here for a while yet.

3. Jacob - You're All I Need To Get By.
Finally, the performance Season 10 has been waiting for. Superb. Restrained, controlled and, most importantly, sounded fantastic.

4. Lauren - You Keep Me Hangin' On.
Easily her best performance to date. Supremely confident. Pun intended. There's something of the Kellie Pickler about her- she's not going to win, but will be fun to watch while she's here.

5. Stefano - Hello.
I can't believe ANYONE has never heard this song before! Wow. Again with the painful facial expressions and overdone melisma, but it was relatively pleasant, if a bit indulgent. J-Lo was spot on with her critique, basically saying he needs to sell the song rather than his voice. Been wishing a judge would point that out for YEARS. On ANY show.

6. Haley - You Really Got A Hold On Me.
Of all the Motown songs to choose from, why opt for the blandest, dullest, most forgettable? Growling and stomping doesn't really make up for what the song lacks, but does give some much-needed oomph, raising her overall performance up to the dizzying heights of... meh. Her best for weeks, but the weakest so far tonight.

7. Scotty - For Once In My Life.
PANIC! NO COUNTRY MOTOWN SONGS! How can a one-trick pony pull this one off? By turning a Stevie Wonder song into Lily Allen's Not Fair, that's how. Turns out the country songs Scotty sings obviously have just the one key, as here he reaches for notes he'd clearly never even heard of before. And yet he still managed to give his usual, dully competent performance. And, as always, I struggle to criticise. Or care.

8. Pia - All In Love Is Fair.
Pia wisely decides to ditch the silly disco remix this week, opting for the bland standing ballad again instead. It truly showed off her impressive pipes, but I can't say I wasn't a little bored. Vocally one of the best tonight, but again J-Lo's right. This time, about losing the finger-wagging airhorn comparisons. But fear not, she has a long way to go to be anywhere near as stiff as Rebecca Ferguson, and has a voice 1000 times better.

9. Paul - The Tracks of My Tears.
Is he still here? How? Squawking his way tunelessly through a mid-tempo semi-acoustic version, I was starting to wish for Lee Dewyze. Even the judges couldn't clap. Vocal identity is one thing, but it really needs to be for good reasons.

10. Naima - Dancing in the Streets.
Speaking of "are they still here...?" She says she wanted to honour those who have trodden the path before her. Sorry, love, but you need to take a huge diversion to go anywhere near their path. That said, it's definitely her strongest vocals so far (though I have no doubt that the lengthy drum solo helped) and I was loving the Tina Turner shoulder action. She might- MIGHT- have earned a reprieve tonight.

11. James - Living for the City.
Adam Lambert II definitely has the pipes and performance skills. It didn't exactly get me out of my seat... however, I can't fault it either.

My top 3: Jacob, Pia, Thia. James came very close, but something about it just didn't grab me this week.

My bottom 3: Haley, Scotty, Paul. Naima's earned a reprieve from me. Will America agree?

The Results Show

We kick off with clips of Marc Anthony mentoring the contestants' live performances. As Ryan explained, he's qualified because "as you know" he's married to J-Lo. Erm... okay. Nothing to do with the day job, then. But before I defend him too much, he then went on to disagree with the Mrs. over the very points for which I was praising her. Moving on, then...

Next up, the group medley. Ain't No Mountain High Enough proved ironic as the weaker contestants struggled. I could tell Paul and Naima were on-screen without looking, as they simply sounded awful. Maybe someone's lost that reprieve after all, then.

Cue Stevie Wonder with Signed, Sealed, Delivered, reminding us he hasn't sung a song worth repeating in the last 25 years, concluding with Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler. That's a 7-minute song, but fortunately they go to an ad break.

We return with some country-band fronted by a chicken-legged woman dressed like a 1980s Eurovision entry. After the very very repetitive song finishes, we learn it's Sugarland! Oh, them! Should've known. Obviously you all out there did.

Then we see the Idols discussing, obviously, wrestling. Fuck knows what it has to do with Motown, Idol or anything relevant. I'd like to think it's cashing in on the body-slammed bully on YouTube. But no. It's because Hulk Hogan is a surprise guest. I literally couldn't be less excited. Oh, he fake-punched Seacrest! Interested again. Oh. It turns out Ryan's acting is as good as his TV hosting.

We finally get to the bottom three: Thia, Stefano and Casey. We're told it's a shock result. Granted, none were in my bottom and Thia even made my top 3. Stefano has a good voice, but is too much in love with it to use it properly. Seth Goon is just the show oddity, but doesn't deserve to go yet, either.

Interestingly, the next guest is famous Idol loser-turned Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson. Appropriate, given the controversial bottom three that saw her evicted included eventual winner Fantasia. Although, according to Ryan Seacrest, she's the only Idol WINNER with an Oscar. Way to rewrite history. Twat.

Jebus, she has lost a LOT of weight. Nice performance, shame about the song. Yawn.

The results are in... and Casey's out. This could be the first potential use of the once-in-a-season judges' save. Previously, it's been wasted on contestants that left too swiftly, but this year it's been clearer who wouldn't get it.

Sure enough, barely a minute into I Don't Need No Doctor, the judges interrupt to save him. Casey virtually cardiac arrests live on TV.

Casey's breakdown was surprisingly moving and amusing. Highlights included his blow-job attempt on Seacrest and the cut to Pia whose face clearly read "that save was MINE!!!!"

Two will go next week. It'll be a bloodbath! Can't wait. See you then! ;-)

American Idol 2011 - Top 12 - Birth Year

1. Naima - What's Love Got To Do With It (1984)
Easily one of the weakest vocalists, I liked the new arrangement and her performance was certainly confident and professional. It just wasn't very pleasant to listen to. Glad the judges are finally hearing what I hear.

2. Paul - I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (1984)
The Bradley Cooper/Joe Cocker love child also has one of the weaker voices, albeit with a certain amount of "vocal identity". The song, his voice, and the arrangement did not fit each other. At all. And it felt like he knew it. The illness excuses are coming out early this year.

3. Thia - Colours of the Wind (1995)
The more VT I see of Thia, the less I like her. There's a fine line between adorably ditzy and thick as shit, and she's crossing that line in strides. However, top tune, but bad choice. It sadly buried her voice, which was more Judy Kuhn than Vanessa Williams, but the performance was almost Rebecca, the finger-wagging air-horn soundalike from X Factor 2010, i.e. rooted to the spot.

4. James - I'll Be There For You (1989)
Obviously it'll never outdo the definitive version by Ashton Kutcher in A Lot Like Love, and it certainly hit a rough note from the offset. Another thumbs-up for the subtle update on the arrangement, although it highlighted the weediness of his voice, at least compared to that of the Jovi. But he'll be here for a while.

5. Haley - I'm Your Baby Tonight (1990)
Glad she chose the superior US Remix version to the horrid LP version we were stuck with. Sadly, she forgot reality TV Rule Number One. Do. NOT. Do. WHITNEY. Whitney herself proved that on X Factor. This song never showcased Whitney's vocals anyway. Until you hear someone else perform it like this, anyway. Not dreadful, but way way out of her depth. And that look is SOOO Elizabeth Berkeley in Saved By The Bell.

6. Stefano - If You Don't Know Me By Now (1989)
Obviously it'll never outdo the definitive version by David Brent, and I was dreading this after last week's OTT nonsense... but it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. He managed to reign it in (mostly) in a way that worked for me (extra props to mentor Jimmy Iovine for that), even if the arrangement also drowned him out a little.

7. Pia - Where Do Broken Hearts Go (1988)
Do. NOT. Do. WHITNEY. Horrible dancey arrangement that only subtracted and aged the song, rather than updated it. Vocally very strong, however. Oh, she's a boy apparently. Cheers, JLo.

8. Scotty - Can I Trust You With My Heart (1993)
Obviously a brave move to tackle such a global monster hit from 1993 (nope, me neither), Scotty drags out the same cheesily competent performance and for all I know same song as last week. And week before. And before that. I'd call him a one-trick pony if he had a trick. Or a... no, let's not go there. (Shiver.)

9. Karen - Love Will Lead You Back (1989)
Not a UK hit, but this is a song I know. Again, the arrangement drowned her out and seemed to demonstrate that she's basically a bilingual karaoke singer (cough Ruth Lorenzo cough cough). A nice voice, but she's filler.

10. Casey - Smells Like Teen Spirit (1991)
The lovechild of Seth Roegen & Alice The Goon proves he is dorky as he looks by attempting one of the coolest songs ever and failing spectacularly. Now we know why nobody's done Nirvana on Idol before. I saw The Word, even Kurt Cobain couldn't sing this live. Oh dear.

11. Lauren - I'm The Only One (1994)
Another worldwide monster smash hit (but hey, it's Melissa Etheridge, lesbians reprazent). She struggled on the lower notes, but easily her best performance so far and at times sounded great.

12. Jacob - Alone (1987)
CHOOOOON!!!! I remember Carrie Underwood nailing this. No pressure, then. Dramatic, camp and totally off-melody. Vocally, this is what I expected from Stefano. Wish Jimmy Iovine stepped in here. But then, I guess this is what makes Jacob Jacob. He'd better start to reign it in a bit, though, or he is going to piss me right off every week.

My top 3: James, Stefano, Pia.

My bottom 3: Naima, Paul, Casey

Results show;
Did they really just bleep the word "shitzu"?!?! FFS!

Musical guests (stretching the term slightly): The Black Eyed Peas and Lee Dewyze, one of the worst contestants to ever qualify, let alone win. Did his performance prove me wrong? Erm... no. And I'm sure I heard some auto-tune in there, that's quite a talent. That's what these people are competing for; to be the next... him. To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I'd expected; it was only boring and tuneless. For him, that's a very good night.

And the caption shouldn't read "James' family and friends". His name is James, not a plural of Jame.

Stefano, the vest under a see-through top is not a good look, even on you.

Bottom 3: Haley, Naima and Karen.

OUT: Karen.
One final bland performance of Hero Quando Quando Quando before it's time to say good hasta la vista.

American Idol 2011 - Live shows, week 2 - Idols

1. Lauren - Any Man Of Mine (Shania Twain)
Uh oh. Every time this has been been done in the past, it's been the kiss of death, and usually for very strong acts too. I suspect the trend may continue based on tonight's performance.

2. Casey - With A Little Help From My Friends (Joe Cocker)
More than a little bit shouty and growly. Well, it worked for Lee Dewyze. It wasn't as bad as that, but still did nothing for me.

3. Ashthon - When You Tell Me That You Love Me (Diana Ross)
Strong on the big notes, but very bad on the low notes. Overall, very disappointing, especially given that the judges saved her.

4. Paul - Come Pick Me Up (Ryan Adams)
Don't know the song, and this version was pretty dull. Another one that suffered on the low notes, but this was even worse.

5. Pia - All By Myself (Celine Dion)
Definitely the best so far, but that's no feat. Fortunately, it was a fantastic vocal by any means.

6. James - Maybe I'm Amazed (Paul McCartney)
A surprisingly MOR choice for the screecher, but he managed to squeeze a few of them in. A little shaky on some notes, but a minor quibble on another fantastic vocal.

7. Haley - Blue (LeAnn Rimes)
A tough song to sing well, but she pulled it off. Randy's comment that it was "a bit boring" is not inappropriate, however.

8. Jacob - I Believe I Can Fly (R Kelly)
The talent show staple is done yet again. Yawn. Fortunately, Jacob is usually far less boring than the song itself. But he made it interesting in a very bad way. Very shouty and off-melody. He took some risks, but yikes they didn't pay off. I don't know what the judges heard.

9. Thia - Smile (Michael Jackson)
Hilariously, has never heard of Charlie "Chapman", but she gave a captivating performance with a beautiful vocal... Then ruined it with a horrid jazzy bassline. For the record, MJ did not.

10. Stefano - Lately (Stevie Wonder)
One of my favourites has blown it. Overdoing the runs on virtually every single syllable, then made the second half even worse with a ridiculous club beat. Some ballads can survive this, but Lately isn't one of them. Possibly the worst of a very bad night.

11. Karen - No Me Queda Mas (I Could Fall In Love With You) (Selena)
Needless to say, don't know this song. It was okay, but had some rough bits. A bit too big for her.

12. Scotty - Until The River Runs Dry (Garth Brooks)
Whatever. Don't get Garth, don't get Scotty. America will no doubt love him.

13. Naima - Umbrella (Rihanna)
Another unexpected choice, I was expecting something more old school. This one only proved what a great vocalist Rihanna is and why America voted Naima out. A brief ragga and dance interlude can't disguise that. Certainly one of the more lively performances of the night though.

My top 3: Pia, Haley, James (or the first half of Thia)

My bottom 3: Naima, Jacob, Stefano.

Actual bottom 3:
Karen, Ashthon, Haley. What do I know?

Out: Ashthon.

The encore performance was a lot better, but still flawed in the lower register. This performance would have got her far more votes. The judges decided, no save. Best to save it for Pia, no doubt.