Eurovision Song Contest Copenhagen 2014 - Grand Final (Preview)

BBC1HD, Saturday 10th May 8pm

01 Ukraine

Mariya Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

Kicking things off in True Eurovision style is this fun, up-tempo track. Whilst the song may be a surprisingly weak effort from the usually reliable Ukraine, it is still strong enough to be in the better half, and the inventive hamster wheel staging certainly helps sell the song.

Memorable bit: "Tick tock, can you hear me go tick tock?"

02 Belarus

Teo - Cheesecake

Robin Thicke, eat your heart out. One of the most distinctive and contemporary songs this year, this stands out with its smooth, catchy RnB vibe. The silly lyrics may do more harm than good, but may also help the song be more memorable. By bringing the backing singers/dancers into the fray, they've turned it into more of a boyband performance, which has helped remove some of the sleaziness, but also made it a lot more generic.

Memorable bit: "I don't wanna..."

03 Azerbaijan

Dilara Kazimova - Start A Fire

Adding some class to proceedings is this sultry ballad sung alongside a trapeze artist by a Davina McCall lookalike with an equally beautiful voice. In a very short time, Azerbaijan have established themselves as a true force in the Eurovision Song Contest, having won just a few years ago, and never placed lower than eighth. I have a feeling this year may change matters with this surprisingly forgettable entry that's lacking a memorable hook, so even if you enjoy the performance, you won't be humming it afterwards.

Memorable bit: The distracting woman on the trapeze.

04 Iceland

Pollapönk - No Prejudice

Eurovision goes punk! Well, sort of. At times, it has that early-80s/Arctic Monkeys feel of a song that was recorded in someone's garage. However, the colourful outfits ensure that these guys clearly don't take themselves too seriously as this fun, up-tempo rocker puts its unfortunately necessary serious message about tolerance forward in a humorous way. Take THAT, Russia! Even though it is sung in English, make sure you have the subtitles on, the lyrics are an absolute gem.

Memorable bit: The colourful guys going "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...".

05 Norway

Carl Espen - Silent Storm

Less is more in this simple but stunning male-vocal ballad. A stand-out, for the right reasons; simple, yet moving and very powerful. Not everybody seems to be getting it, but the lyrics and Carl's sincerely emotional delivery get me every time.

Memorable bit: "Someday I'll be calm".

06 Romania

Paula Seling & Ovi - Miracle

The 2010 bronze medallists return for a second attempt that's nowhere near as strong as their first. Having scored Romania's best ever result, the duo that played a blinder on their conjoined piano are back with a circular piano, but this time the staging is a bit of a mess, although the up-tempo dance/pop song is still strong enough to win over fans.

Memorable bit: The circular piano

07 Armenia

Aram MP3 - Not Alone

The former bookies' favourite is a rather inconspicuous ballad that builds to a somewhat impressive dubstep crescendo. For me, there are far stronger ballads this year, but it's pretty good and Aram sings very well. The staging is relatively simple, with Aram (ironically) very much alone, and the backdrop comes to life as the song builds.

Memorable bit: "You're not alone, you're not alone, etc."

08 Montenegro

Sergej Cetkovic - Moj Svijet

A gorgeous mid-tempo Celtic ballad, full of lush strings, pan pipes, crashing drums and beautiful vocals. If THIS was the favourite, I'd understand better, although it does end rather unexpectedly. They've thrown a lot at the staging, but the song is strong enough to not require it.

Memorable bit: The Pandora-from-Avatar backdrop and the ice-skater.

09 Poland

Donatan & Cleo - My Slowianie/We Are Slavic

An intriguing mix of modern RnB Beyonce beats and traditional instruments, Poland return after a brief hiatus with a song about women's curves, and have the staging to match. As for the song, it's screechy, irritating, shouty and painful to listen to, but is one to watch as it has been a massive hit in several competing countries already. It does, however, improve when it shifts to English. As for staging, it's Carry On Baltics as even the most traditional garb cannot compensate for the close-ups of pendulous breasts and suggestive milking. One for the dads, then.

Memorable bit: "Shake what your Mama gave you".

10 Greece

Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd - Rise Up

Don't be fooled by the old-fashioned traditional-sounding funeral march of an intro. This quickly transforms in to a modern, dancey up-tempo mix of rap, synth sounds and trumpets (think Sam and the Womp). It's repetitive enough to be memorable, and would not sound out of place on a Radio One playlist. That's not necessarily a compliment, but this will either irritate the hell out of you or win you over with its youthful enthusiasm.

Memorable bit: Trampolines & trumpets.

11 Austria

Conchita Wurst - Rise Like a Phoenix

And here we have the most talked-about entry this year. The Bond theme that never was, think Diamonds Are Forever reinvented for the 21st century by a bearded drag queen. It's high camp, and certainly provocative, but there no giggles to be had here as she takes the performance very seriously, and it is absolutely phenomenal. Expect Twitter to crash. Fabulous.

Memorable bit: The bearded lady

12 Germany

Elaiza - Is it Right?

The first of tonight's automatic qualifiers is a stompy, old-fashioned, folk number. Whilst there are a few folsky entries this year, this one isn't country-folk, but more traditional with its accordions and rhythms creating a unique sound in this year's selection. Elaiza has a terrific voice, very reminiscent of P!nk.

Memorable bit: "I can't go on, I can't go on"

13 Sweden

Sanna Nielsen - Undo

Eurovision powerhouse Sweden are always one to watch, and this year is no exception. Sanna is a seasoned veteran, and very well-known amongst Eurovision fans, as this is her SEVENTH attempt to represent her country. She's not only achieved her goal at last, but is also a strong contender for the win. Undo is a big, produced ballad, complete with the obligatory "doosh... key change" moment. Still pretty good though, despite the poor grammar. "Undo my sad", indeed.

Memorable bit: "u-u-u-undo my sad".

14 France

TWIN TWIN - Moustache

The second of tonight's automatic qualifiers, this is a fun, up-tempo rap track with silly lyrics and silly hairstyles to match. If it was given to radio stations and credited to Pitbull, it would be played constantly and almost a dead-cert Number 1. That's not necessarily intended as a compliment, but it's catchy as hell, even though it's sung in French.

Memorable bit: The pronunciation of "Mooostache"

15 Russia

Tolmachevy Sisters - Shine

Booooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eurovision, it's all political!! Well, let's see. After their attacks on homosexuals and Ukraine, Russia aren't exactly being overwhelmed by international support right now, and deservedly so. So whom have they entered this year (other than Crimea, that is)? A pair of identical-twin teenage girls, and veterans of the Junior Eurovision Song Contest to boot. So to boo them would be unfair, right?  However, the song's ironic lines about "telling all the world to show some love..." won't sit very well with anybody. Politics aside, the song epitomises bland (not necessarily a bad thing) and the bizarre staging is distinctive and effective.

Memorable bit: Children of the Corn on a see-saw.

16 Italy

Emma - La Mia Città

The third of tonight's automatic qualifiers is a ballsy, up-tempo rock-chick number sung in Italian with lots of attitude. Think heyday Courtney Love, minus the guitar.

Memorable bit: The Italian rock chick.

17 Slovenia

Tinkara Kovac - Round and Round/Spet

A bilingual, Celtic-inspired song with flutes and seductive rhythms, this is a real grower. It's songs like this that make me love Eurovison, as it's not the kind of thing I'm likely to hear anywhere else. The melody is very strong, and whilst it might not make a big impact, it is an effective palette-cleanser; nicely subtle, traditional and distinctive.

Memorable bit: "Round and round again we, round and round again we, go-oh-oh-oh"

18 Finland

Softengine - Something Better

The increasingly-rare sight of a rock act at Eurovision comes this year courtesy of these teenagers. Of course, by "rock" we're talking more Busted-wearing-shiny-suits than Iron Maiden. But it was the first of this year's songs to get stuck in my head, with a great anthemic feel and Coldplay-esque singalong "woah-oh-oh-oh"s. The staging is kept very simple- no movement, just a static band and lights. Lots of lights.

Memorable bit: "We found something better"

19 Spain

Ruth Lorenzo - Dancing in the Rain

The fourth of tonight's automatic qualifiers sees former X Factor UK's very own [X Factor voice] RUTH LORENZO!!! Yes, her what did Purple Rain is belting out a rather magnificent mid-tempo Ryan Tedder-esque ballad (think Beyonce's Halo in Spanglish). The vocals are phenomenal, and she is a seasoned professional. Can't wait for this one.

Memorable bit: "We're dancing in the rain, dancing in the rain"

20 Switzerland

Sebalter - Hunter of Stars

An insanely catchy, up-tempo folk number with twanging banjos, hand claps and a very memorable whistled section. It may not make a strong first impact, but is a definite grower, and the band give it plenty of infectious energy. I love it when the staging and choreography matches the musical construction of the song, and this one certainly delivers.

Memorable bit: "Want me to go, want me to go" and lots of whistling.

21 Hungary

András Kállay-Saunders - Running

Something of a downer, this ballad about domestic abuse has a thumping drum & bass chorus that's catchy in a good way, but still manages to maintain the ominous tone. The dramatic staging makes a great impact, too, particularly the final shot.

Memorable bit: "She keeps on running, running, running..."

22 Malta

Firelight - Coming Home

A refreshing, bright, breezy, uplifting, foot-stomping, semi-acoustic folk song that's the perfect antidote to what came before, whilst also being somewhat moving in its own right. Evoking Mumford & Sons and Gary Barlow's Let Me Go, my biggest criticism is that it could use its very simple-but-strong chorus more often for a greater impact, as the excellent vocals truly soar. The poppy-field staging reflects a more subtle version of the WWI setting of the song's music video.

Memorable bit: "Oh I-I-I-I'm coming home"

23 Denmark

Basim - Cliché Love Song

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Bruno Mars. The fifth of tonight's automatic qualifiers is pure joy. Yes, the lyrics are intentionally daft, a song that definitely lives up to its title, we kick things off with a "scooby-dooby-dap-dap-diddy-die" in a seriously divisive, cheesy retro song that I simply adore. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that his performance sells the song as well as it deserves to.

Memorable bit: "Scooby-dooby-dap-dap-diddy-die"

24 The Netherlands

The Common Linnets - Calm After the Storm

The true dark horse of the competition came out of nowhere after playing a blinder in the first semi-final. What began as a rank-outsider, not even expected to qualify, has now become one of the favourites to win. As nondescript as a song can get, it's a full-on Nashville-inspired country ballad that doesn't really go anywhere. Even the black-and-white staging is pretty basic, too. And yet this deceptively simple song with similarly simple staging makes an impact greater than the sum of its parts. One to watch.

Memorable bit: "Oooooh skies are black and blue, thinking about you"

25 San Marino

Valentina Monetta - Maybe (Forse)

Eurovision loves a trier, and Valentina's third successive attempt has finally taken San Marino into the Grand Final for the first time ever. It's a mid-tempo ballad that's remarkably unremarkable and almost a carbon-copy of her entry from last year. It's not offensive, and the build as it shifts from ballad to something more orchestral and up-tempo feels fluid.

Memorable bit: Venus in her oyster shell.

26 United Kingdom

Molly - Children of the Universe

The sixth and final of tonight's automatic qualifiers is also the final of the night, and it's Royaume Uni's attempt to redeem themselves after not-giving-a-shit for most of the last decade or so. It's a mid-tempo, thumping anthem with a catchy "power to the people" hook and haunting harmonies. A lot of people are declaring this the UK's second coming to Eurovision, and it does indeed have a unique, stand-out sound, with echoes of Lonely Symphony, Frances Ruffelle's UK entry from 20 years ago. Credit where it's due, the staging is very powerful and reflects the song's musicality superbly.

Memorable bit: "Power to the people"

NB There are far stronger songs this year, but cue the usual Nigel Farrage-type comments of "it's all political" if it doesn't win. It is not really a song you'd expect to hear on the BBC's own Radio 1, so when they begin to playlist Eurovision songs, especially ones they've picked to represent us with no public consultation, only then will I believe they're taking it seriously.

Eurovision 2014 Semifinal 2 (Preview - updated with results)

BBC3HD, Thursday May 8th 8pm

1. Coming Home - Firelight  (Malta)

A refreshing, breezy, rather moving folksy semi-acoustic number that evokes Mumford and Sons and Gary Barlow's Let Me Go. I love it, but appear to be in the minority as not many other fans seem to be falling for it. It could use its very simple-but-strong chorus more often for a greater impact, as the excellent vocals truly soar. The poppy-field staging reflects a more subtle version of the WWI setting of the song's music video.

Memorable bit: "Oh I-I-I-I'm coming home"

Should qualify: Yes.

Will qualify: No.

Result: Through.

2. Same Heart - Mei Finegold  (Israel)

Israel takes the rock-chick approach this year, with this ballsy, bilingual, up-tempo number that erups mid-way into a full-on dance anthem. A great song, and girl can strut.

Memorable bit: "We don't beat from the same heart"

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Out. Wow.

3. Silent Storm - Carl Espen  (Norway)

Less really can be more. Proof that a ballad can be a stand-out, for the right reasons. Simple, yet moving and very powerful. They've over complicated the staging a little by involving the backing violinists, when a man in a spotlight would have been not only more appropriate, but extremely effective.

Memorable bit: "Someday I'll be calm".

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

4. Three Minutes To Earth - The Shin and Mariko  (Georgia)

This year's "WTF?" entry. The rambling, yodelling introduction goes on for far too long, and things don't improve once the Shakira-esque vocals kick in in the lead-up to the sudden, anticlimactic end. The kind of sub-prog-rock crap I'd expect to hear on Later with Jools Holland, this is more Three Minutes In Hell. Nul points.

Memorable bit: The parachute. Which does nothing either.

Should qualify: No

Will qualify: No

Result: Out.

5. My Slowianie - We Are Slavic - Donatan & Cleo  (Poland)

Ouch, my ears. Screechy, irritating, shouty and painful to listen to. At times it could pass muster as a Beyoncé song (not necessarily a compliment) and has indeed been a massive hit in several competing countries already. As for staging, it's Carry On Baltics as even the most traditional garb cannot disguise the videos of pendulous breasts and suggestive milking. One for the dads, then. It does, however, improve when it shifts to English.

Memorable bit: "Shake what your Mama gave you".

Should qualify: No.

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

6. Rise Like A Phoenix - Conchita Wurst  (Austria)

And here we have the most talked-about entry this year. The Bond theme that never was. Think Diamonds Are Forever for the 21st Century, performed by a bearded drag queen with an incredible voice. Fabulous. Expect Twitter to crash.

Memorable bit: The bearded lady

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

7. Attention - Vilija Mataciunaite  (Lithuania)

Shouty, horrid electro-pop. I assume they're hoping the chorography and weird futuristic-bondage-tutu outfits distract you from the terrible, terrible song, even if it does actually sound far less shrill when performed live.

Memorable bit: "I'm gonna make you, make you fall down d-d-down down on your knees"

Should qualify: No

Will qualify: No

Result: Out.

8. Something Better - Softengine  (Finland)

The increasingly-rare sight of a rock act at Eurovision comes this year courtesy of these teenagers. Of course, by "rock" we're talking more Busted-wearing-shiny-suits than Iron Maiden. But it was the first of this year's songs to get stuck in my head, with a great anthemic feel and Coldplay-esque singalong "woah-oh-oh-oh"s. The staging is kept very simple- no movement, just a static band and lights. Lots of lights.

Memorable bit: The rocky boyband.

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

9. Heartbeat - Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith  (Ireland)

The winner of this year's "Let's Copy Last Year's Winner" award is passed from Germany to Ireland. Although, to be fair, the Celtic sounds are more synonymous with Irish Eurovision entries than Danish ones, so you can certainly forgive them for this catchy, upbeat pop track decorated with thumping drums and fiddles. Still sounds like Only Teardrops though. And just in case you didn't get that it was Ireland, they've thrown in some kilt-wearing male Riverdancers as well.

Memorable bit: The (very) Irish one.

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: No

Result: Out.

10. Cheesecake - Teo  (Belarus)

One of the most distinctive and contemporary songs this year, this has more of an RnB vibe, Robin Thicke-stylee. The silly lyrics do more harm than good, but may help the song be more memorable. By bringing the backing singers/dancers into the fray, they've turned it into more of a boyband performance, which has helped remove some of the sleaziness, but also made it a lot more generic.

Memorable bit: The Robin Thicke one.

Should qualify: No

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

11. To The Sky - Tijana  (Macedonia)

Another over-produced track that disguises a song with a lot of potential. As it is, it's pretty good, but gets a bit muddled around the second half. The black-and-white staging could make a big impact if photographed correctly, especially with its Matrix-esque chorography.

Memorable bit: "Where do we go now?"

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: No

Result: Out.

12. Hunter Of Stars - Sebalter  (Switzerland)

One of many folk/country/bluegrass entries this year, this one's up-tempo, with a very catchy, whistled hook. It may not make a strong first impact, but is a definite grower, and the band give it plenty of infectious energy. I love it when the staging and choreography matches the musical construction of the song, and this one certainly delivers.

Memorable bit: "Want me to go, want me to go" and lots of whistling.

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

13. Rise Up - Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd  (Greece)

Don't be fooled by the old-fashioned traditional-sounding funeral march of an intro. This quickly transforms in to a modern, dancey up-tempo mix of rap, synth sounds and trumpets (think Sam and the Womp). It's repetitive enough to be memorable, and would not sound out of place on a Radio One playlist. Again, that's not necessarily a compliment, but this will either irritate the hell out of you or win you over with its youthful enthusiasm.

Memorable bit: Trampolines & trumpets.

Should qualify: No

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

14. Spet/Round And Round - Tinkara Kovač (Slovenia)

A bilingual, Celtic-inspired song with flutes and seductive rhythms, this is a real grower. It's songs like this that make me love Eurovison, as it's not the kind of thing I'm likely to hear anywhere else. The melody is very strong, but might not make a big impact except for those who are turned off by dance music.

Memorable bit: The flutey one.

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

15. Miracle - Paula Seling & Ovi (Romania)

Having scored Romania's best result in 2010 (third), the duo that played a blinder on their conjoined piano are back with a lesser, but still strong up-tempo dance/pop song. This time, the piano is circular, and the staging is nowhere near as strong. I'm hoping for a last-minute surprise, as they might need one. Did someone say "hologram"?

Memorable bit: "It's a miracle!"

Should qualify: Yes

Will qualify: Yes

Result: Through.

Eurovision 2014 Semifinal 1 (Preview - updated with results)

BBC3HD, Tuesday May 6th 8pm

1. Not Alone - Aram MP3  (Armenia)

The bookies' favourite kicks things off, and what we get is begins as a rather nondescript, repetitive ballad but gradually builds to a full-on dupstep climax. For me, there are far stronger ballads this year, but it's pretty good and Aram sings very well. The staging is relatively simple, with Aram (ironically) very much alone, and the backdrop comes to life as the song builds.

Memorable bit: "You're not alone, you're not alone, etc."

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.
Result? Through.

2. Cake To Bake - Aarzemnieki  (Latvia)

One of the contest's biggest water-cooler moments arrives already, with this adorably silly, folksy ditty about a guy who has been there, done that; except when it comes to baking a cake. It's bizarre, insanely catchy and loads of fun. The hippyish staging with the woodland backdrop adds to the folksy, camp-fire charm.

Memorable bit: The title alone will make this one memorable.

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.
Result? Out.

3. Amazing - Tanja  (Estonia)

A dancer first and a singer second, Tanja does an (ahem) amazing job of singing live whilst being flung around by a male dancer. However, she does it with an acrobatic grace, and her voice is strong and unfaltering. The song itself is pure Europop, and it's fab. There have been complaints that it sounds a lot like 2012 winner Euphoria, but it's different enough to warrant praise of its own.

Memorable bit: "Stay, amazing lie".

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.
Result? Out. WTF?

4. Undo - Sanna Nielsen  (Sweden)

Eurovision powerhouse Sweden are always one to watch, and this year is no exception. Sanna is a seasoned veteran, and very well-known amongst Eurovision fans, as this is her SEVENTH attempt to represent her country. She's not only achieved her goal at last, but is also a strong contender for the win. Undo is a big, produced ballad, complete with the obligatory "doosh... key change" moment. Still pretty good though, despite the poor grammar. "Undo my sad", indeed.

Memorable bit: "u-u-u-undo my sad".

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.
Result? Through.

5. No Prejudice - Pollapönk  (Iceland)

Eurovision goes punk! Well, sort of. At times, it has that early-80s/Arctic Monkeys feel of a song that was recorded in someone's garage. However, the colourful outfits ensure that these guys clearly don't take themselves too seriously as this fun, up-tempo rocker puts its serious message forward in a humorous way. Take THAT, Russia! Even though it is sung in English, make sure you have the subtitles on, the lyrics are an absolute gem.

Memorable bit: The colourful guys going "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...".

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? No.
Result? Through. Yay!

6. One Night's Anger - Hersi (Albania)

Albania have developed something of a reputation for bringing rock to Eurovision, and this is no exception. What may begin as a rather inoffensive Celtic ballad sung on a ramp by a woman with a strange, high-pitched tone gradually builds and builds to a nicely rocky climax. The melody is strong, but the overall effect is worryingly unremarkable.

Memorable bit: "Don't give in your pride".

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? No.

Result? Out.

7. Shine - Tolmachevy Sisters  (Russia)

Eurovision, it's all political!! Well, let's see. After their attacks on homosexuals and Ukraine, Russia aren't exactly being overwhelmed by international support right now, and deservedly so. So whom have they entered this year (other than Crimea, that is)? A song that epitomises the word "bland" sung by a pair of identical-twin teenage girls, and veterans of the Junior Eurovision Song Contest to boot. So to boo them would be unfair, right?  However, the song's ironic lines about "telling all the world to show some love..." won't sit very well with anybody. Unless they're trying to tell us that their Aryan spawn are proof that the world should just accept their world domination and realise that they're just doing what's best for all of us. Thanks, but we're fine as we are.

Memorable bit: Children of the Corn on a see-saw.

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Through. Booooooo!

8. Start A Fire - Dilara Kazimova  (Azerbaijan)

In a very short time, Azerbaijan have established themselves as a true force in the Eurovision Song Contest, having won just a few years ago, and never placed lower than eighth. I have a feeling this year may change matters with this surprisingly forgettable entry. It's a classy, piano-led ballad that's lacking a memorable hook, and although Dilara's voice is gorgeous, you won't be humming it afterwards.

Memorable bit: The distracting woman on the trapeze.

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Through.

9. Tick-Tock - Mariya Yaremchuk (Ukraine)

From one disappointing Eurovision power-house to another. Whilst the song may be a surprisingly weak effort from the usually reliable Ukraine, this upbeat, poppy song is still strong enough to be in the better half, and the inventive hamster wheel staging certainly sells the song. Combined with the public sympathy vote, they will certainly qualify.

Memorable bit: The hamster wheel.

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Through.

10. Mother - Axel Hirsoux  (Belgium)

This one has proven to be very divisive with Eurovision fans. It's a big, emotional ballad sung (extremely well) by a cross between Paul Potts and Rik Waller. A lot of western fans are dismissing this as creepy (especially given the ghostly backing dancer), but I think it will resonate across all competing countries, especially given that Mother's Day approaches for many European countries this coming weekend. A dark horse.

Memorable bit: Let's call a spade a spade. It's the big fat man singing to his mother.

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Out.

11. Wild Soul - Crisitina Scarlat  (Moldova)

Despite Christina's powerful vocals, the over-the-top production and the dramatic Roman-inspired staging, this is a pretty forgettable song.

Memorable bit: "Mercy, I have no feelings of mercy".

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? No.

Result? Through.

12. Maybe (Forse) - Valentina Monetta  (San Marino)

Back for the third consecutive year, Valentina enters almost a carbon-copy of her entry from last year. It's not offensive, and the build as it shifts from ballad to something more up-tempo is certainly more fluid than Chrysalide (Vola), but this is definitely the weaker song of the two and it is difficult to imagine anybody getting excited about it.

Memorable bit: Venus in her oyster shell.

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? No.

Result? Through. Wow!

13. Moj Svijet - Sergej Cetkovic  (Montenegro)

A gorgeous mid-tempo Celtic ballad, full of lush strings, pan pipes, crashing drums and beautiful vocals. If THIS was the favourite, I'd understand better, although it does end rather unexpectedly. They've thrown a lot at the staging, but the song is strong enough to not require it.

Memorable bit: The Pandora-from-Avatar backdrop and the ice-skater.

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Through.

14. Quero Ser Tua - Suzy (Portugal)

With its full-on Latin rhythms, this track has a pure Mardi Gras party vibe. Whilst my Portuguese isn't strong enough for me to have any idea what she's singing, there plenty of whoa-oh-ohs to sing a long to. My 7-year-old niece calls this "the Madagascar song". Ethnic-pop songs like this were a staple of Eurovision many years ago, but this is the only one this year, and is all the better for it.

Memorable bit: The Mardi Gras one.

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? No.

Result? Out.

15. Calm After The Storm - The Common Linnets  (Netherlands)

As nondescript as a song can get, it's a pretty dour goes-nowhere country ballad. The black-and-white staging is pretty basic, too. That said, it's far from terrible, and makes for a pleasant, if forgettable three minutes.

Memorable bit: The country duet.

Should qualify? No.
Will qualify? No.

Result? Through! On the night, they killed it! Completely changed me around. Excellent.

16. Running - András Kállay-Saunders  (Hungary)

A rather downbeat ballad about domestic abuse suddenly kicks into an up-tempo drum n bass chorus that's catchy in a good way, whilst managing to avoid a shift in tone. The dramatic staging makes a great impact, too, particularly the final shot.

Memorable bit: "She keeps on running, running, running..."

Should qualify? Yes.
Will qualify? Yes.

Result? Through.

Eurovision 2013 - Grand Final - Preview

Saturday, May 16, 2013 BBC1HD 8pm

It's the grand final! Here's my guide to this year's songs and performances.

1. France - Amandine Bourgeois - L'Enfer Et Moi

The first of the six direct qualifiers, France love to enter something a bit different, and have done so again this year. The French answer to Courtney Love struts around the stage with hot mess fierceness, beginning sultry and sexy before bellowing her way through the climatic finale. Listen out for the bits in the final minute where it sounds like she's singing "wanker".

Memorable bit- The Courtney Love lookalike.

2. Lithuania - Andrius Pojavis - Something 

A surprise qualifier from the first semifinal, this mid-tempo pop/rock track doesn't do anything wrong, nor anything right. The lyrics have clearly been lost in translation, what with his referencing the names of his shoes.

Memorable bit- erm...

3. Moldova - Aliona Moon - O Mie

A sweet ballad that is more memorable for the staging than the song itself, though they both build and build dramatically. Aliona's dress is illuminated, then lifts her up. A visual treat.

Memorable bit- The tall dress.

4. Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Typical Eurovision. A fun, trashy, singalong song sung by a girl in a wedding dress. Nice twist at the end too. If they allow it, that is. I could swear she sings "I'd do it for, I'd f*** you, I'd f*** you..."

Memorable bit- Ding dong!

5. Spain - ESDM - Contigo Hasta El Final

The next song to qualify without the semi-final is from Spain. And there's no other way it would have made it here. Insipid to the extreme, it can't decide whether it wants to be a ballad, or something up-tempo and ends up falling somewhere in between. That said, it's far from terrible, and not without a certain charm. But for a song CONTEST? Really?

Memorable bit- The girl looks like Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles.

6. Belgium - Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills

One of my favourite songs this year, it's a nicely-produced pop track that gradually builds in energy. Unfortunately, it's always lacking something in the live performance. Roberto is still a teenager, and he can come across a bit deer-in-headlights, but hopefully the backing singers can carry him through.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Love kills, over and over".

7. Estonia - Birgit Oigemeel - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Now that a lot of the female ballads have fallen at the semis, this one has a far better chance of standing out. Sung by a pretty brunette in a white maternity dress, it has a strong melody, but is lacking a memorable hook for the uninitiated.

Memorable bit- The pregnant girl.

8. Belarus - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

Another strong contender from the CD, this one was a bit of a disappointment in the semis. Exiting from a glitter ball, Alyona struggled for breath during this catchy, ethnic pop number. It may have an eye-catching dance routine, but the live vocals left a lot to be desired. Hopefully, she ups her game for the final.

Memorable bit- Cha cha!

9. Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow

Gianluca's cute song about Jeremy in I.T. is proving to be infectious, winning over new fans all of the time, and could be a dark horse to keep an eye on. The equally fun lyric video appears on the screen behind him, as he grins his way through his performance. You can't help but enjoy it every bit as much as he clearly does.

Memorable bit- The smiley ukulele one.

10. Russia - Dina Garipova - What If

Coming across as quite cloying in the run-up to this contest, Dina's semi-final performance raised her (already strong) chances. Dressed like Dana circa 1970, she certainly puts as much sincerity into this pro-peace ballad as she can muster.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "What if we all open our arms".

11. Germany - Cascada - Glorious

The third automatic qualifier is from worldwide chart toppers Cascada, who gave us "Everytime We Touch" and "Evacuate The Dancefloor". This song is very much in their usual vein of dance-pop, and deserves to be a huge chart smash afterwards. I'm looking forward to seeing if singer Natalie can pull off the big vocals live, not to mention dancing in her tight-fitting ballgown.

Memorable bit- It's Cascada, FFS.

12. Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet

The rockiest song left in the competition, this is the one that's become known as "the Tommy Iommi one", having been written by the Black Sabbath founder. Unfortunately, the songs is a bit insipid, and the lyrics are clichéd, though singer Gor tends to perform it better live than he did in the studio.

Memorable bit- It's the Tommy Iommi one.

13. Netherlands - Anouk - Birds

An utterly depressing dirge that other Eurovision fans are inexplicably falling over themselves to laud. One to watch, certainly. Preferably on mute. Apparently, birds don't fly, they fall down rooftops. News to me.

Memorable bit- The dirgey one with the stupid lyrics.

14. Romania - Cezar - It's My Life

The water-cooler "laugh AT" moment has arrived. Mezzo soprano Cezar begins the song uncomfortably low, before suddenly changing octaves- twice- in one note. And then stays up there. To a dance beat. In a dress. And no, he's not joking.

Memorable bit- The male soprano.

15. United Kingdom - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me

Automatic qualifier #4 is Wales's very own Bonnie. I always find it difficult to be objective about UK entries, but this is hands-down our best entry for over a decade. The simple country ballad from our internationally-beloved superstar isn't getting as much support as I'd like to see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even if we do come just before the host country. I'm just hoping that people aren't too busy recovering from Romania to not pay attention to this one.

Memorable bit- It's Bonnie Tyler!!!!

16. Sweden - Robin Stjernberg - You

Automatic qualifier #5. Starting off as a semi-acoustic ballad, it soon builds and explodes into an up-tempo wail-fest. It is, however, about as catchy as you can get, and it'll live or die by how well Robin handles those (very) big notes.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "It's all because of you-ou-ou-ou-ou..."

17. Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem

A rather charming, semi-acoustic ditty, featuring some of the most bizarre lyrics this (or any) year. Alex has a habit of looking a bit uninterested, so hopefully he can raise his game for the grand finale. But the song is a real grower, and quite strong for one that never changes gear.

Memorable bit- The guy with the beanie, glasses and beard.

18. Denmark - Emmelie De Forest - Only Teardrops

The favourite to win, it's a Celtic-inspired up-tempo peace anthem featuring lots of drums and tin-whistles. It has a bad habit of stopping just as it gets going, but once it does get going, it's pretty irresistible. Emmelie works the camera well, and goes all Sandie Shaw on us with bare feet.

Memorable bit- The favourite.

19. Iceland - Eythor Ingi Gunnlaugsson - Ég Á Líf

A Celtic-inspired ballad that sounds like a winning Irish entry from the 1990s, it's performed well by the former Jesus Christ Superstar.

Memorable moment- Egg or leaf?

20. Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Farid begins his big, belting ballad atop a glass box that contains a male dancer who mimics his actions in silhouette. It's quite an effective trick that'll keep the performance in your head, even if the song doesn't.

Memorable bit- The glass box.

21. Greece - Koza Mostra & Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

I'm expecting big points from the UK for this one, as the singalong chorus (the only bit in English) is destined to become a British anthem. Kicking things off in an unmistakably Greek fashion, it soon changes gear into a ska vibe. The song, to me, is a piece of crap, but credit where it's due, the performance is fantastically energetic.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free".

22. Ukraine - Zlata Ognevitch - Gravity

Carried on-stage by a real-life giant, Zlata is placed upon a podium in a figure-hugging dress that makes her look a bit like Nigella Lawson dressed as a mermaid. The song is an epic, over-produced power ballad, featuring the most phenomenal vocals of the evening.

Memorable bit- Nigella Lawson, the mermaid.

23. Italy - Marco Mengoni - L'Essenziale

The final automatic qualifier is going to be something of an interesting one to watch. In rehearsals, he's been merely going through the motions, but I'm reliably informed that on the night he is going to own that camera, with his doey-eyed smoulder. The song itself, a relatively simple piano-led ballad, struggles to stay in your mind, but certainly cries of credibility.

Memorable bit- That smoulder.

24. Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

With its in-your-face electronic production, this is a song that can grab your attention on its own. Which is just as well, as Margaret does very little to sell it to you with the simple staging and almost non-existent choreography.

Memorable bit- Blonde, white dress, ponytail.

25. Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

Your textbook Eurovision ballad duet. Cue flawless melodies, vocals, pyrotechnics and dreamy lyrics. It's completely cheesy, and for many, it'll be eye-rollingly mechanical, but it definitely ticks all of my boxes. Just hope they don't go slightly off-key at the end like they did in the semis.

Memorable bit- The ballad with the pyro waterfall at the key change.

26. Ireland - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

A massive poppy dance anthem with some easy-to-singalong moments, and if Ryan performs half as well as he did in his semi, this could be huge.

Memorable bit- The one that goes "be love" over and over. With shirtless, drumming, tattooed male dancers.

Eurovision 2013 - Semi-Final 2 - Preview (Updated with Post-show reaction)

Thursday May 16th, 2013 BBC3

1. Latvia - PeR - Here We Go

A good choice of show opener, this is a lively, singalong pop/rap number with a bit of stage-diving thrown in for good measure. It'll certainly stand out, but rap will inherently alienate a large section of the audience, although nowhere near as much as Montenegro's entry did.

Memorable bit- The rap one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out.

2. San Marino - Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (Vola)

Another big fan favourite. Whilst this one isn't as lost on me as The Netherlands's dirge, I'm still at a bit of a loss at what makes this quite so wonderful. It's certainly better than her entry last year, The Social Network Song. Beginning as a nice, orchestral ballad, she and the song both transform in the final third (like a chrysalis, see what they did there?) as the energy kicks in for a rousing climax.

Memorable bit- The girl with the glowing ball.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out. A shock!

3. (FYR) Macedonia - Esma & Lozano - Pred Da Se Razdeni

It's time for the UK to laugh at the foreigners. Another song that begins as a ballad, then transforms into something more up-tempo, this one begins with more promise, but then throws it all away. It's basically two incongruous songs joined together, until they uncomfortably overlap at the end. Lozano's ballad bit is rather lovely, and his vocals are great. Then we get belly-dancing legend Esma who doesn't so much sprinkle her Eastern promise on the track, as gush it out like an incontinent granny. A train wreck.

Memorable bit- The schizophrenic one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Of course.

4. Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Azerbaijan have found a formula and are sticking to it. We have another catchy ballad, this time a solo male vocal, and some impressive staging. Farid stands atop a glass box which contains a male dancer that mimics his moves in silhouette.

Memorable bit- The man in the box.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

5. Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Eurovision at its cheesiest, a girl in a wedding dress sings a bouncy, catchy, singalong, up-tempo pop song that is going to irritate the hell out of a lot of people, but I'm more than happy to join in the fun. Plus she manages to get away with something that definitely wouldn't have been allowed a few years ago. Gotta love the Scandinavians. ;-)

Memorable bit- Ding Dong!

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through! Yay!

6. Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow

Falling somewhere between Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz, this fun, ukulele-based track is sweetness personified. Love the playful lyric video in the background too.

Memorable bit- The ukulele one.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Very happy about that!

7. Bulgaria - Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - Samo Shampioni

Irritating as hell, but you'll be singing along very quickly.

Memorable bit- Drumming. Lots of drumming.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Phew.

8. Iceland - Eythor Ingi Gunnlaugsson - Ég Á Líf

A surprisingly formulaic, drippy ballad for Iceland that sounds like you've definitely heard it before. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it makes for a very very anonymous song.

Memorable bit- Jesus Christ Superstar.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

9. Greece - Koza Mostra & Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

Deep sigh. One of those songs you only really hear at Eurovision, but to my ears that's a bad thing. I kind of get the appeal, but it's not my bag, baby. Opening with an unmistakably Greek sound, it soon veers into a vibe remisinscent of early '80s two-tone/ska. The chorus, sung in English, will surely become an anthem to UK viewers, whom I guarantee will score it well. Though not this UK viewer.

Memorable bit- The unmistakably Greek one.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Hmph.

10. Israel - Moran Mazor - Rak Bashvilo

Another of the more anonymous ballads, the only distinctive thing about it is that the woman wears glasses. But it's far from a bad song, quite the contrary.

Memorable bit- The woman with the glasses.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Out.

11. Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet

The song written by Black Sabbath's Tommy Iommi, is surprisingly insipid, given its rock heritage. Lead singer Gor's vocals are an odd mixture of weak and powerful, in that he has quite a range, and yet his voice is a bit feeble.

Memorable bit- The Tommy Iommi song.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. Wow.

12. Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem

Another sweet, semi-acoustic song that's a real grower. Unfortunately, this is Eurovision, so you have three minutes and that's it. Even more unfortunately, the singer has a horribly gruff voice. And as if that's not enough, he has zero stage presence too. I'm hoping that the song itself manages to shine through.

Memorable bit- The one with the cartoon background.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

13. Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

Musically, this is not a million miles away from Slovenia's entry (which failed to qualify on Tuesday), with its in-your-face buzzy, bassy electronic production. However, as a song it's far more successful, as the chorus is far more melodic and memorable. Let's just assume the weird lyrics got lost in translation.

Memorable bit- The buzzy, bassy pop number.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through.

14. Albania - Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko

Europe, are you ready to rock? This well-produced rock number is sung in language, and the sometimes gruff, sometimes strained vocals take some getting used to. But it has a killer chorus and catchy, jangly musical refrain. And a big guitar solo. With fireworks.

Memorable bit- The big rock number.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out.

15. Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

When it comes to typical Eurovision songs that I love, this is my bag, baby. A male/female ballad duet sang in perfect harmony with almost mechanical perfection. Includes the obligatory key change at just the right time, cue "waterfall" of fireworks- see what they did there? Gorgeous.

Memorable bit- The firework waterfall.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? Yes.

Result: Through. Hurrah!

16. Switzerland - Takasa - You And Me

Performed by The Salvation Army, or Heilsarmee as they're known in Switzerland, they were deemed to political, and forced to change their name and uniforms. Which is kind of appropriate, given that the song is a "they're all against us but we have each other and they won't get us down" theme. Given that one band member is 95 years old, it's a surprisingly rocky affair (though in a poppy way) and ridiculously catchy. On record, it's irresistible, and one of my favourites. Live... not so much.

Memorable bit- The Salvation Army.

Should qualify? Yes.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Out. Oh well.

17. Romania - Cezar - It's My Life

Talk about ending with a bang. Oh dear. This is a thumping dance-pop track with a very electronic production. So, naturally, they've chosen an operatic male soprano to sing it. Apparently, he's very good and is known as "The Voice". However, on this evidence, he is no Russell Watson. This song seems only to prove that he can't sing. Across three octaves. Even the sincerity of its delivery and OTT staging cannot disguise that this is a complete car crash.

Memorable bit- The male soprano.

Should qualify? No.

Will qualify? No.

Result: Through. FFS.

Post Mortem.

So it's goodbye to Latvia, San Marino, Macedonia, Bulgaria, Israel, Albania and Switzerland.

My Most Improved Song goes to Malta. Well done, Gianluca!

I'm surprisingly disappointed for San Marino, even though I'm not a fan. She certainly sold the song way better than I expected.

Farid Mammadov's vocals for Azerbaijan were better live than on the CD! Ditto Gor for Armenia. And, to a certain extent, Cezar for Romania.

Massive props to Finland for Eurovision's first ever gay kiss! #TeamDingDong

Eythor commanded the stage well for Iceland, earning their qualification. Ditto ByeAlex for Hungary.

Even the horrid Greece song was performed fantastically well.

Armenia did well, I'm quite disappointed they missed out. Latvia, Israel and half of Macedonia can hold their heads high too.

There were a few bum notes towards the end for Georgia, bit otherwise a splendid performance. Ditto Margaret for Norway.

Bulgaria were even worse than I was expecting. Nil points. Ditto the other half of Macedonia.

Roll on Saturday! Go Bonnie!