Eurovision Song Contest 2017 Kyiv - Semifinal 2 - Preview (updated with results)

Eurovision Song Contest 2017 Kyiv - Semifinal 2
Thursday May 11th May 2017, BBC Four, 8pm

*Be warned, Lithuania makes me say naughty things*

1. Tijana Bogicevic - In Too Deep (Serbia)

Catchy drum & bass track that's been likened to Katy Perry's Firework. It's one of the standouts on the album, but loses a lot in the live performance. Tijana wears a see-through white dress and is joined halfway through by a shirtless male dancer who seems to get flushed away in the watery staging.

Fun fact: Tijana has been to Eurovision before - as a backing singer in 2011.

Catchy bit: "I'm falling so deep, I'm in too deep"

Which one is this?
The girl in see-through white, circled by the male dancer

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

2. Nathan Trent - Running On Air (Austria)

A bright and breezy, summery, semi-acoustic folksy number that's almost guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Resembling a more naively youthful Justin Timberlake, Nathan has a great voice and fantastic diction (in multiple languages - check out his YouTube covers). I really feel I should like this more than I actually do.

Fun fact: Nathan was going to enter the German selection competition, until the Austrian delegation found out and nabbed him as an direct internal selection instead. He is actually Austrian, so said yes.

Catchy bit: "Hey now..."

Which one is this?
The folksy one by the man in the moon

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through.

3. Jana Burceska - Dance Alone (FYR Macedonia)

Another up-tempo pop/dance song that sounds great on the album. Jana's vocals are given a special effect that makes her sound a lot like Nina from The Cardigans, but her live performance is awkward. She slut-drops in front of multiple images of herself, when she'd clearly be more comfortable presenting children's TV. So many wasted opportunities to click her fingers and clap her hands, but... no. Frankly, unforgivable. I can't (and don't) resist even if I'm walking down the street listening to this. "I let the pavement be my catwalk". Fabulous!

Fun fact: Macedonia haven't qualified out of the semis since 2012

Catchy bit: "I will dance alone, wherever I am, the rhythm follows"

Which one is this?
The girl in black fringe and thigh-high boots who can't dance (alone).

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

4. Claudia Faniello - Breathlessly (Malta)

The classic big Eurovision female diva power ballad. As those go, this is a great example, and a good song in its own right. Any other year this may stand a chance, but not this year.

Fun fact: This her eleventh attempt to enter Eurovision for Malta, and her first to succeed. Even her brother beat her to it. Twice.

Catchy bit: "Breathlessly, I'll be watching you..."

Which one is this?
The epic ballad by the chesty woman in the sparkly white dress.

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

5. Ilinca ft. Alex Florea - Yodel It! (Romania)

Yes, you read that right... Yodelling is back!! With rap!! Wait, what? Yes, seriously, and you won't believe how well it works! Catchy as hell, it manages to also be surprisingly contemporary. So wrong in so many ways, and yet so right... Your first WTF moment of the night has arrived. And if you're not singing along by the end, you must be dead inside. ;-)

Fun fact: The original lyrics featured the lines "feel like shit", now replaced with "feeling incomplete".

Catchy bit: Yodelling, but you will be joining in, trust me.

Which one is this?
The rap-yodelling one. With cannons.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Oh please God, yes
Result: Through! Woop!

6. O'G3NE - Lights and Shadows (The Netherlands)

Wilson Phillips are back! Hold on... not really, but they may as well be. Three sisters (two are twins) sing with beautifully tight harmonies an emotional ballad written by their father about their mother, who has bone cancer. The song is very basic, and doesn't really go anywhere, and yet their immaculate vocals make it a captivating three minutes.

Fun facts: They are linked by their mother's genes - "O" is their mother's blood type and there are 1.. 2.. 3 of them, hence O'G3NE (pronounced O-Jean). They also entered Junior Eurovision 10 years ago, and won "The Voice of Holland".

Catchy bit: "Cry no more"

Which one is this?
The Wilson Phillips one, i.e. three girls with the incredible harmonies.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? No
Result: Through.

7. Joci Papai - Origo (Hungary)

A nice change of pace with a stirring ethnic ballad, sung mostly in Hungarian, but with a Romani chorus. The lyrics translate into his tale of facing prejudice and turning to God for comfort. You may not understand a word, but you will feel every word and sing along with ease. I could live without the rap break, mind.

Fun fact: Joci is of Romani descent.

Catchy bit: "jálomá lommá"

Which one is this?
The Eastern-sounding one by the Asian man with the musical milk jug and dancing girl.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through.

8. Anja Nissen - Where I Am (Denmark)

A glossily-produced contemporary mid-tempo pop ballad, Anja pretty much starts at 11 and goes up from there. Her voice is enormous, and the song's chorus is as big as her voice. Lyrically, the song strikes a nerve with me, but I'll say no more about that.

Fun fact: Anja has Danish parents, but was raised in Australia, where she won The Voice. She entered the Danish national final last year too, but came runner-up.

Catchy bit: "I'm laying down my armour, laying down my guns"

Which one is this?
The big, contemporary ballad by the blonde girl in the red dress with the gap in her teeth.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Sadly not.
Result: Through. Gladly yes!

9. Brendan Murray - Dying To Try (Ireland)

A big boy-band ballad that sounds like it came from the late '90s, sung by a cute former boy-band member. Yes, you've guessed it, Louis Walsh was involved. Looking and sounding far younger than his 20 years, his voice is oddly big and small at the same time. As for the song, it's what you'd expect from Louis Walsh, i.e. Flying Without Wings, the sequel. And in case you didn't get that, he's singing from a hot air balloon. Really.

Fun fact: Brendan was in now-defunct boyband Hometown. Nope, me neither.

Catchy bit: "I'm dying to try, I'm dying to try."

Which one is this?
Flying Without Wings, Part 2 - via hot air balloon, leaking some helium, judging by his voice.

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

10. Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson - Spirit of the Night (San Marino)

A 1970s disco song updated to include more contemporary references, such as St Elmo's Fire. Only at Eurovision.

Fun facts: This is Valentia's fourth time representing San Marino - all of them in this decade. She gave them their only ever qualification out of the semis with the song "Maybe" in 2014.

Jimmie is an American veteran of musical theatre, including "Sisterella", which was produced by a certain Michael Jackson.

Catchy bit: "It's the spirit of the night, spirit of the night"

Which one is this?
The 70s Disco stomper by the male/female duo.

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

11. Jacques Houdek - My Friend (Croatia)

Your next WTF moment has arrived, as a man duets... with himself; half in a cheesy English-language pop voice, the other half in his Italian-language operatic voice. Sadly, the performance is nowhere near as entertaining as it sounds, though he has made a bit of attempt at the classic Tommy Cooper two-costumes-in-one-if-you-turn-to-the-side thing. The song is called "My Friend" and is every bit as sugary sweet as you may expect. With the addition of a spoken intro, rainbows and sunflowers, proceed with caution as you may get type 2 diabetes.

Fun fact: He's a coach on The Voice of Croatia.

Catchy bit: "I pray you see the light and find your way"

Which one is this?
The half-opera one-man duet

Should qualify? No. Though I kind of hope it does.
Will qualify? No
Result: Yes. And deservedly so!

12. JOWST - Grab The Moment (Norway)

A modern pop-dance track that has pseudo-rapped verses and a catchy chorus followed by even catchier vocal effects. The staging is pretty straightforward - men twiddling knobs behind a singing frontman.

Fun fact: JOWST is actually the masked DJ/producer who later hits the drum. The uncredited singer is Aleksander Walmann. They had to have special permission from the EBU to use the sampled vocals, as all vocals -including backing - are supposed to be performed live. They successfully argued it was no different from a sampled instrument.

Catchy bit: "I'm, I'm gonna, gonna kill, kill, kill, kill, that voice in my head"

Which one is this?
The electro-pop group with the masked man and the one in the hat

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through.

13. Timebelle - Apollo (Switzerland)

From atop a small flight of stairs, a pretty brunette in a huge yellow dress sings a sweetly catchy mid-tempo pop song about the Greek god of creativity. I like it, but it's unlikely to make any impact in the voting.

Fun fact: Lead vocalist Miruna is Romanian, and so the band was offered the song "Yodel It!" When they turned it down, it was offered to Ilinca instead, who teamed up with Alex to represent Romania. (See above, if somehow you'd actually forgotten THAT!)

Catchy bit: "I'll follow you, Apollo"

Which one is this?
The mid-tempo pop song sung by Belle from Beauty & the Beast

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? No
Result: Out.

14. NAVIBAND - Story of My Life (Belarus)

A duo dressed in white bring us a relentlessly cheery and catchy song in their own language. I only wish I was having a great time with the song as they clearly are. Still, it's something different and the kind of thing I would never hear outside of this competition.

Fun fact: This is the first time the Belarusian language has ever been sung at Eurovision.

Catchy bit: "Hey! Hey! Ay-ay-ay-ah-oh!"

Which one is this?
The cheery folksy foreign one. On a flying boat-thing (!?)

Should qualify? No
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through. And wow, they were truly awful.

15. Kristian Kostov - Beautiful Mess (Bulgaria)

A modern pop ballad that brilliantly melds Western modern production values with yearning Eastern strings. At only 17, Kristian is already a seasoned professional with a ridiculously huge and mature voice for a skinny 17 year old who looks even younger. This song is my "Douze points" this year, and it's surprisingly high in the bookies' odds too.

Fun fact: Kristian is the first performer at (adult) Eurovision to be born in the 2000s.

Catchy bit: "Our love is untouchable"

Which one is this?
Modern pop ballad with yearning strings sung by a boy who looks 12 but sounds 42.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through.

16. Fusedmarc - Rain of Revolution (Lithuania)

Unintentional WTF moment #3. An incredibly incompetent mess of a song littered with horrid artificial horns, badly pronounced English and a shouty lead singer with who looks like she just wants to fucking kill you. Nil points.

Fun fact: Lithuania's marathon national selection had a potential winner in Greta Zazza's magnificent "Like I Love You". But no, they opted for this shit.

Catchy bit: "Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah..."

Which one is this?
The fucking awful one.

Should qualify? Hell no
Will qualify? No
Result: Out. Phew.

17. Koit Toome and Laura -Verona (Estonia)

When you think of typical Eurovision songs, one thing that must come to mind is the middle-aged male/female duet, and it doesn't get more typical Eurovision than this. And of course, that's a good thing. Catchy as hell, this one has been vastly underestimated by fans, journalists and bookies alike, but I can't help but see it going top 5 in the final. You know, just like I thought Georgia would in 2013... (except they didn't)

Fun fact: Both have been at Eurovision before - Koit in 1998, and Laura as part of group Suntribe in 2005 (also in Kyiv!).

Catchy bit: "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, we have lost our Verona"

Which one is this?
Verona. (Trust me, that's all you'll need to remember this)

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Out! A real shocker!

18. Imri Ziv - I Feel Alive (Israel)

Ending the show with a bang, this irresistible up-tempo party song is all smiles, claps and dance moves with its clubby production and Eastern instrumental break. He may not hit every note - and there are a fair few big ones - but he knows his audience, so wears an almost see-through black vest to make up for it. (Rab C Nesbitt he is not.)

Fun fact: This is Imri's third consecutive year at Eurovision representing Israel, but the previous two were as a backing vocalist. And he's definitely worth following on Instagram.

Catchy bit: "Breaking me to pieces"

Which one is this?
The up-tempo club banger by the guy with the sleeveless top.

Should qualify? Yes
Will qualify? Yes
Result: Through. He slayed!

Bring on the final! See you Saturday!