Eurovision Song Contest 2017 Kyiv Grand Final - Preview

Eurovision Song Contest 2017 Kyiv Grand Final

BBC One, Saturday May 14th 2017 8pm

1. Imri Ziv - I Feel Alive (Israel)

Kicking the show off with a bang, this irresistible up-tempo party song is all smiles, claps and dance moves with its clubby production and Eastern instrumental break. He may not hit every note - and there are a fair few big ones - but he knows his audience, so wears an almost see-through black vest to make up for it. (Rab C Nesbitt he is not.)

Fun fact: This is Imri's third consecutive year at Eurovision representing Israel, but the previous two were as a backing vocalist. And he's definitely worth following on Instagram.

Catchy bit: "Breaking me to pieces"

Which one is this?
The up-tempo club banger by the guy with the sleeveless top.

2. Kasia Mos - Flashlight (Poland)

A pretty nondescript ballad that does that thing of rhyming words like "fire, higher, desire, wire" and "eyes, hypnotised, surprise". It's not bad, but it's Poland so will do well with the public vote. Kasia has a seriously powerful voice without being too shouty, and does her utmost best to sell the song, even altering (dare I say improving) the melody in the second half.

Fun fact: Kasia is a big animal rights advocate, dedicating this song to the cause- hence the animal imagery in the background of her staging.

Catchy bit: "They'll never catch us, take us by surprise"

Which one is this?
The blonde in the white dress with the violinist and starry animal images.

3. NAVIBAND - Story of My Life (Belarus)

A duo dressed in white bring us a relentlessly cheery and catchy song in their own language. I only wish I was having as great a time with the song as they clearly are. Still, it's something different and the kind of thing I would never hear outside of this competition, although their live performance of this has been somewhat painful.

Fun fact: This is the first time the Belarusian language has ever been sung at Eurovision.

Catchy bit: "Hey! Hey! Ay-ay-ay-ah-oh!"

Which one is this?
The cheery folksy foreign one. On a boat.

4. Nathan Trent - Running On Air (Austria)

A bright and breezy, summery, semi-acoustic folksy number that's almost guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Resembling a more naively youthful Justin Timberlake, Nathan has a great voice and fantastic diction (in multiple languages - check out his YouTube covers). I really feel I should like this more than I actually do.

Fun fact: Nathan is Austrian, but entered the German national selection competition. Once the Austrian delegation found out, they offered him a guaranteed spot representing his home country instead.

Catchy bit: "Hey now..."

Which one is this?
The folksy one by the man in the moon

5. Artsvik - Fly With Me (Armenia)

And now for something completely different. Pulling the classic ballad fake-out, it moves into a an unexpectedly ethnic vibe with some complicated choreography, in particular some Bollywood-style intricate armography and finger work. Definitely a performance to be seen rather than just heard, as there's not much to the song, but there's drama aplenty on-stage. It's a definite grower, and could prove to be a dark horse.

Fun fact: Artsvik was the first artist announced as a 2017 competitor, but the last to release their song.

Catchy bit: "Fly with me, high, oh high"

Which one is this?
The Bollywood-influenced one.

6. O'G3NE - Lights and Shadows (The Netherlands)

Wilson Phillips are back! Hold on... not really, but they may as well be. Three sisters (two are twins) sing with beautifully tight harmonies an emotional ballad written by their father about their gravely ill mother. The song is very basic, and doesn't really go anywhere, but their immaculate vocals make it a captivating three minutes.

Fun facts: O'G3NE (pronounced Oh-Jean) are so named as they are linked by their mother's genes - "O" is their mother's blood type and there are 1.. 2.. 3 of them. They also entered Junior Eurovision 10 years ago, and won "The Voice of Holland".

Catchy bit: "Cry no more"

Which one is this?
The Wilson Phillips one, i.e. three girls with the incredible harmonies.

7. SunStroke Project - Hey, Mamma! (Moldova)

The token comedy song. Cue long sax solos, repetitive nonsensical lyrics in terrible English, silly dance moves, and a costume change for the ladies. Catchy, in an irritating way, but it's the favourite of my 10-year-old niece.

Fun Fact: The band entered Eurovision in 2010 with the song "Run Away". They came 22nd, but inadvertently gifted the world of the "Epic Sax Guy" meme. And he's back!

Catchy bit: "Mamma, mamma don't be so mad"

Which one is this?
Epic Sax Guy and dancing brides.

8. Joci Papai - Origo (Hungary)

A nice change of pace with a stirring ethnic ballad, sung mostly in Hungarian, but with a Romani chorus. The lyrics translate into his tale of facing prejudice and turning to God for comfort. You may not understand a word, but you will feel every word and sing along with ease. If it doesn't click with you, you will probably hate it. I could live without the rap break, mind.

Fun fact: Joci is of Romani descent.

Catchy bit: "jálomá lommá"

Which one is this?
The Eastern-sounding one by the Asian man with the musical milk jug and dancing girl.

9. Francesco Gabbani - Occidentali's Karma (Italy)

Sung in Italian (with the odd English and French phrases thrown in) by a lively, charismatic performer, this amusingly clever song about how Westerners (Occidentali) fashionably adopt elements of culture from the East. One of the phrases in the chorus translates as "the naked ape dances", so from the second chorus that is taken literally as he is joined by a dancing gorilla doing a choreographed routine that anyone can join in on. The song itself, is feel-good, up-tempo pop song with a classic feel, and is catchy as hell.

Fun fact: The amusing music video for this is the most-viewed Eurovision video on YouTube EVER, with over 100 million views so far. This came into the contest as the hot favourite, and was only overtaken by Portugal since the second semifinal results.

Catchy bit: "Occidentali's karma" and a catchy instrumental bit.

Which one is this?
The one with the dancing gorilla.

10. Anja Nissen - Where I Am (Denmark)

A glossily-produced contemporary mid-tempo pop ballad, Anja pretty much starts at 11 and goes up from there. Her voice is enormous, and the song's chorus is as big as her voice. Lyrically, the song strikes a chord me, but I'll say no more about that.

Fun fact: Anja has Danish parents, but was born and raised in Australia, where she won The Voice. She entered the Danish national final last year too, but came runner-up.

Catchy bit: "I'm laying down my armour, laying down my gun"

Which one is this?
The big, contemporary ballad by the blonde girl in the red dress with the gap in her teeth.

11. Salvador Sobral - Amar Pelos Dois (Portugal)

Having recently overtaken Italy as the bookies' favourite, this is a very old-fashioned song, in the classic chanson sense. If you heard this on a Eurovision playlist set to shuffle, you could be forgiven for thinking this from one the first ever contest in 1956. For me, it has been a very slow grower. Salvador is a very odd performer, pulling strange faces and doing weird things with his hands, and at times even recoling from the microphone, but his high, ethereal voice is immaculate. How well it will go down with a modern mainstream audience is a complete mystery at this point... but the fans, bookies and journalists seem confident it'll do very well.

Not-at-all-fun fact: Salvador has been absent from rehearsals due to ill health, his baggy clothing apparently concealing some post-operation strapping. His sister Luísa, who wrote the song, stood in for him during the first week of rehearsals in Kyiv while he recovered in Portugal. But fear not, he has been in Kyiv for the last week, and his performance has not suffered one bit.

Catchy bit: "Meu bem, ouve as minhas preces"

Which one is this?
The very old-fashioned Portuguese ballad by the scruffy bearded guy.

12. DiHaj - Skeletons (Azerbaijan)

An atmospheric electro-ballad with synth sounds, crashing drums and utterly head-scratching lyrics. Some examples include, "Have my lungs, my millions", "surrounded by thorn jeans" and "fuss and fight won't get you tons". But the weirdness doesn't stop there. Looking like someone from the cast of Orange is the New Black, she sings at a blackboard, with a man on a ladder, wearing a horse head. Brilliantly weird.

Fun Fact: DiHaj is technically the name of the band, but the name is a contraction of the lead singer's name, Diana Hajiyeva.

Catchy bit: "Bad boy, drum drum drum bring out the guns"

Which one is this?
The girl with the nose ring, blackboard and horse-man

13. Jacques Houdek - My Friend (Croatia)

One of the night's big talking points has arrived, as a man duets... with himself; half in a cheesy English-language pop voice, the other half in his Italian-language operatic voice. Sadly, the performance is nowhere near as entertaining as it sounds, though he has made a bit of attempt at the classic Kenny Everett two-costumes-in-one-if-you-turn-to-the-side thing, but it's subtle enough to miss. The song is called "My Friend" and is every bit as sugary sweet as you may expect. With the addition of a spoken intro, rainbows and sunflowers, proceed with caution as you may get type 2 diabetes. His live vocals are, however, incredibly impressive.

Fun fact: He's a coach on The Voice of Croatia.

Catchy bit: "I pray you see the light and find your way"

Which one is this?
The half-opera one-man duet

14. Isaiah - Don't Come Easy (Australia)

A slick, modern pop ballad sung by a 17-year old boy of Indigenous Australian descent with an incredibly huge, soulful voice. He performs the song from a revolving turntable in front of images of himself. It represents his inner turmoil, apparently. The song itself is a bit of a grower. It sounds great on the album, but the live version falls flat for me, especially as he goes off-melody ("making it your own" as Louis Walsh would say). He hit a particularly bad note in the semis that was used in the recap, making this a surprise qualifier. I really want this to do well, and it can...Dude, just sing this song as you did in the studio and you'll do fine. If you don't, you're more likely to achieve recent UK-levels on the scoreboard.

Fun fact: He is the most recent winner of The X Factor Australia, and his mentor was American Idol runner-up and current Queen frontman Adam Lambert.

Catchy bit: "It don't come easy, it don't come cheap"

Which one is this?
The Indigenous Australian guy on the turntable.

15. Demy - This Is Love (Greece)

After another ballad-fakeout intro, this bursts into a surprisingly tedious attempt at anthemic dance pop. It should be right up my street, but just isn't. The staging is very much a retread of Ruth Lorenzo's entry for Spain a few years ago - rain and splashing water, but with added raining fire and two shirtless adonises dancing by Demy's side. However, she's been consistently missing the big notes in the rehearsals and the semi, and her backing vocalists' attempts to cover have not sounded good either. This could turn out to be rather embarrassing...

Fun fact: The chorus lyrics were changed for Eurovision from "This is love, rain falls from above, can you feel the love?" to the equally meaningless "This is love, reaching out for the stars, you and I as one".

Catchy bit: "This is looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove" (when it's on-key)

Which one is this?
The stunning brunette with the water effects and two adonis dancers

16. Manel Navarro - Do It For Your Lover (Spain)

A surfer dude with an acoustic guitar and a few similar mates sing this repetitive, summery, repetitive, feelgood, repetitive, catchy, repetitive and repetitive song. For good or for bad, it will definitely get stuck in your head. Oh, and it's quite repetitive.

Fun fact: At the Spanish national selection, Manel was not very popular with the Spanish public, but when it came to a tie their vote was overruled by the three-person jury. Needless to say, it did not go down well. The runner-up song, "Contigo", was an infinitely better song, if a more of a predictable Spanish Eurovision entry.

Catchy bit: "Do it for your lover" (ad nauseum)

Which one is this?
The repetitive summery folksy one with the surfers.

17. JOWST - Grab The Moment (Norway)

A modern pop-dance track that has pseudo-rapped verses and a catchy chorus followed by even catchier vocal effects. The staging is pretty straightforward - men twiddling knobs behind a singing frontman, but they spruce things up with some on-screen effects.

Fun facts: JOWST is actually the masked DJ/producer who later hits the drum. The uncredited singer is Aleksander Walmann. They had to have special permission from the EBU to use the sampled vocals, as all vocals -including backing - are supposed to be performed live. They successfully argued it was no different from a sampled instrument.

Catchy bit: "I'm, I'm gonna, gonna kill, kill, kill, kill, that voice in my head"

Which one is this?
The electro-pop group with the masked man and the one in the hat

18. Lucie Jones - Never Give Up On You (United Kingdom)

A subtle ballad that builds and builds, as Lucie sings from within giant clam shell-shaped reflective monitors, exploding into the darkness with golden stars. It's a pretty stunning visual that lets Europe know that the UK delegation means business this year. Fortunately, Lucie's vocals are consistently perfect, and she emotes the story well. Forget Brexit, and "they all hate us", this could do surprisingly well.

Fun facts: The song was co-written by Emmelie DeForest, who won Eurovision for Denmark in 2013. I was in the audience when Welsh girl Lucie auditoned for The X Factor in Cardiff. She made the live shows, but was knocked out in a head-to-head against Jedward, who have since represented Ireland at Eurovision twice.

Catchy bit:"I will never give up on you, I don't care what I have to lose".

Which one is this?
The golden girl with the sparkly clam. (No, not a vagazzle. Not that I know of anyway)

19. Hovig - Gravity (Cyprus)

With a bassline straight out of Rag 'N' Bone Man's "Human", this stompy, mid-tempo track is heavy on beats and sweeping electric strings. It's a decent enough song, but the staging really sells this, thanks to some interesting choreography, visuals and camerawork.

Fun fact: The song was written by Thomas G:Son, who also co-wrote 2012 winner "Euphoria" for Loreen. "Gravity" is his 13th song to make the competition.

Catchy bit: "Let me be, be your gravity"

Which one is this?
The stompy one by the Peter Andre lookalike.

20. Ilinca ft. Alex Florea - Yodel It! (Romania)

Yes, you read that right... Yodelling is back!! With rap!! Wait, what? Yes, seriously, and you won't believe how well it works! Catchy as hell, it manages to also be surprisingly contemporary. So wrong in so many ways, and yet so right... Your biggest WTF moment of the night has arrived. And if you're not singing along by the end, you're just not listening.

Fun fact: The original lyrics featured the lines "feel like sh*t", now replaced with "feeling incomplete".

Catchy bit: Yodelling, but you will be joining in, trust me.

Which one is this?
The rap-yodelling one. With cannons.

21. Levina - Perfect Life (Germany)

Once you get over how much the intro is a blatant rip-off of David Guetta's "Titanium", the song takes its own path with an uplifting, catchy song about seeing the positive in the negative. It's decent, but desperately bland. As for the staging, it opens strongly as she lies on the illuminated floor, but then she stands against a simple, silver-patterned screen that just underlines the blandness of the song.

Fun fact: Levina also came second in Germany's national final, with the song "Wildfire"

Catchy bit: "I've been walking asleep, dreaming awake..."

Which one is this?
The blonde girl with the quiff

22. O.Torvald - Time (Ukraine)

The only rock song this year, and they go pretty hard for a pop contest. The staging features an illuminated human head with spotlights for eyes, and the floor displays the rest of the body from a certain angle.

Fun fact: During the performance at the Ukrainian national selection, some squibs were used to imply that the lead singer had been shot. This was later dropped from the performance and official video, as it was deemed a bit too gory from Eurovision.

Catchy bit: "Time... to look into your eyes"

Which one is this?
The rock one. Yes, the only rock one. With the giant silver head.

23. Blanche - City Lights (Belgium)

This was an instant fan-favourite, but I'm a bit more skeptical. It's a decent, mid-tempo pop song, nicely modern with a slick production and the 17-year old girl who sings it has a surprisingly deep voice. Unfortunately, that voice lacks any power or passion, and she herself lacks charisma and stage presence. It could come across as a likeable vulnerability, but it feels more like watching a child at a school play; you're willing them to do well when you know deep down that they just don't belong there.

Fun Fact: Blanche is actually one of her middle names.

Catchy bit: "All alone in the danger zone"

Which one is this?
Up-tempo electropop song sung by a terrified-looking girl in the black wedding dress.

24. Robin Bengtsson - I Can't Go On (Sweden)

In fine sharp-suited style, a guy who is far too cool for his own good, is backed up by four dancers who join him for an impressive synchronised dance routine - on treadmills. Definitely one to keep your eyes on the screen for. The song is repetitive and catchy, and manages to stay just the right side of sleazy. Just.

Fun fact: In Sweden, swearing is not an issue, so in the original version of this, he sang a different word from "freakin'".

Catchy bit: "I can't go on, I can't go on, when you look this freakin' beautiful".

Which one is this?
The one with the synchronised dancing on treadmills

25. Kristian Kostov - Beautiful Mess (Bulgaria)

A modern pop ballad that brilliantly melds Western modern production values with yearning Eastern strings. At only 17, Kristian is already a seasoned professional with a ridiculously huge and mature voice for a skinny kid who looks even younger. This song hovers around my "Douze points" this year, and it's surprisingly high in the bookies' odds too, but I find the staging doesn't give the song the impact I would like.

Fun fact: Kristian is the first performer at (adult) Eurovision to be born in the 2000s.

Catchy bit: "Our love is untouchable"

Which one is this?
Modern pop ballad with yearning strings sung by a boy who looks 12 but sounds 32.

26. Alma - Requiem (France)

And finally, a dramatic, but fun track as a beautiful brunette playfully prances around the stage as it flies through the skies of Paris. Keep your motion sickness pills handy, just in case...

Fun fact: The original version of the song was sung entirely in French, with a slightly different arrangement, but some English was added to chorus when it was revamped for Eurovision.

Catchy bit: "Embrasse moi, dis moi que tu m'aime"

Which one is this?

The very very French one.

The X Factor UK 2011 - Live Show 4 - Halloween week

Some major shake-ups this week. Ish.

Kelly Rowland is "sick" (as in "ill", as in "poorly", not street for "good"), so has been replaced by 2008 winner Alexandra Burke. Kelly is NOT, I repeat NOT stropping after her run-in with Tulisa last week over Misha B. Honest, guv.

Rhythmix have backed down over the charity name clash debacle and renamed themselves Little Mix. So the "Nirvana For Xmas Number One" Facebook campaign has been somewhat scuppered as their thinly-disguised altruistic excuse has now been reversed. Besides, the winner's single will be released a week early this year, so it's all fair game.

One of The Risk has left. Fortunately, it's the shit one I've complained about before. He's been replaced by the familiar, funny-looking one from that other band that left on week one. Fame, eh?

It's time... to face... the music!

TEAM TULISA
The Risk - Thriller (Michael Jackson)
Firstly, I noticed that the group were audibly harmonising whilst only one of them had a mic to their face. And this happened more than once. If they have backing singers, we should see them. Surely the point of a group such as this IS to harmonise? If it's not just those four guys who we're hearing sing, we need to know about it, otherwise it's all a bit disingenuous. As for the performance itself, it was all nicely staged, but the guys didn't actually put much performing in, and the vocals were their worst so far. They should be WAY better than this by now.

TEAM LOUIS
Johnny - That Ole Devil Called Love (Billie Holliday)
I did not expect that from Johnny- what a voice! You go girl! He just stood there by a piano and sang. Well. VERY well. Pretty flawlessly, in fact. Getting to hear his voice like this not only shows he's a worthy contender (other than "the fun factor"- yawn), but there's a unique, playful tone to his voice.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Sophie - Bang Bang (Cher/Nancy Sinatra)
I constantly accuse Sophie of sucking the life out of songs. This time, I could say she simply chose the more lifeless version to cover, but that is unfair on Nancy Sinatra. Whereas Johnny managed to be completely captivating by just standing there and singing, Sophie failed, her expression somewhere between vacant and stage school. I didn't believe or feel a single word (other than a few hackles). She's clearly this year's Rebekah Ferguson- the one with the horrid voice that everybody else tells me can sing. "That awful sound". Indeed.

TEAM GARY
Marcus - Superstition/Need You Tonight (Stevie Wonder/INXS)
Loving the monster mash-up. Those songs fit together amazingly well. Marcus is giving confident, assured stage performances that feel natural without ever having to compromise his voice. He demonstrates a physical and vocal musicality that you just can't teach, and demonstrating a hugely impressive vocal range without forcing or overdoing it. He's out-peforming most of the professionals they've had on that stage, and yet still has some work to do. He should go a very long way in this competition. As long as he doesn't speak.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Misha B - Tainted Love (Gloria Jones/Soft Cell)
Opting for the more retro original version over the Soft Cell version, she threw in a rap break to modernise it a bit, but there was something missing from her performance tonight, for me. There's no denying she has a fantastic voice, but it was at times I found it a bit sharp in a way I didn't enjoy. Rather than seeing this fierce diva attitude everyone's raving about, she seems to be disappearing into herself, and her performance is starting to suffer for it. But then that's not surprising after the shit she's been given from Tulisa and Louis.

TEAM KELLY/ALEXANDRA
Janet - Every Breath You Take (The Police)
Started excruciatingly badly, and the moments of improvement were few and far between. An interesting take on the more stalkery aspects of the song, and she looked great. But ouch. Not only her worst performance, but easily the worst performance on the show at all by ANYONE so far. Dreadful.

TEAM GARY
Frankie Cocozza - Should I Stay Or Should I Go? (The Clash)
Go.

TEAM LOUIS
Kitty - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (Eurythmics/Marilyn Manson)
I don't know why they felt the need to add the flange effect to Kitty's voice for the intro. Yes, it added a spookier element, but did they learn nothing from the auto-tune debacle last year? Kitty has a decent voice, and used it to full effect here. It did rely a bit too heavily on shouting, but even then you could hear the vibrato, and it was on-key. She didn't deserve to be in the bottom two last week, and doesn't this week.

TEAM TULISA
Little Mix (formerly Rhythmix) - E.T. (Katy Perry)
Great performance to watch, the girls stayed in character very well as demented dolls. Unfortunately, they hadn't tweaked the song in any way, so their performance was almost copycat karaoke vocally- albeit a very good vocal. I'm not quite as blown away as others are, as I think their harmonies still need a LOT of work, but it was far from dreadful and their individual voices are great. They just need to learn to mix them properly.

TEAM GARY
Craig - Set Fire To The Rain (Adele)
I know they've been stretching the Halloween theme this week, but seriously??? WTF does this song have to do with Halloween, especially when sung by a guy dressed in a Paddington Bear coat? As always, his vocals were very good, and, as always, the whole thing was very bland. He's becoming predictable, and increasingly irritating for it. But I couldn't fault it either.

RESULTS SHOW
Bottom two: Sophie & Misha B!

TEAM KELLY
Sophie Habibis - Shelter (The XX)
Sophie squawks her way tunelessly through another lifeless song. Millions are allegedly moved, I'm grimacing in pain and bewilderment.

Misha B - Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)
Breaking down on the final note, Misha gives a heartfelt plea, singing perfectly. What a contrast in performers.

Fortunately, all four judges (including a croaky Kelly Rowland, via telephone) choose to eliminate Sophie.

Just Janet and Frankie to go, and then the competition can truly begin...

The X Factor USA - Live Show 1

17 acts, 5 must go. One from each team, plus a further one from Team Simon.

TEAM LA REID
1. Astro - Jump (Kris Kross)
Obnoxious little teenage rapper kid. He did it competently, but... whatever. The judges chose to find him charming and talented. Me, not so much.

2. Chris Rene - Love Don't Live Here Anymore (Rose Royce)
He's the rehab one. More rapping, but with added vocals that are stretched to breaking point. It was a nicely funked-up arrangement that almost made it sound current, but hasn't set my world alight.

3. Phillip Lomax - I'm A Believer (The Monkees)
He's the Bublé-esque crooner that looks like Noel out of off of Hear'say. Worst. Song. Choice. EVER! Get a crooner to sing a rowdy, shouty, jaunty song? There's out of your comfort zone, and then there's downright sabotage. WTF was LA thinking? Phillip did the best with what he was given but it's becoming increasingly obvious that LA Reid is shaping up to be the Louis Walsh of the US version. And yet, Phillip is easily the best so far.

4. Marcus Canty - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? (Culture Club)
Well, that settles it. LA IS Louis Walsh. Marcus comes across very Jason Derülo, with the musical production to match. Unfortunately, his rather decent stage performance did affect the vocals, but no worse than Derülo himself.

And it's judgement time already... LA saves Astro, Marcus and Chris. Meaning Phillip, the best vocalist in LA's category, is sent home. Also, notably, the only non-urban act. COUGH onetrickpony COUGH.

TEAM PAULA ABDUL
5. The Stereo Hogzz - Try A Little Tenderness (Otis Redding)
Well, they tried a little tenderness with the Boyz II Men opening, but clearly decided tenderness wasn't for them as they launched into a shouty, breathy rap break before going all Diversity on us with a dance break and then ending with a Motown beat. I think it's safe to say "they made it their own". I'm still not sure if that's a good thing, but they certainly put on a show and at times, the harmonies sounded great.

6. The Brewer Boys - Rich Girl/Faith (Hall & Oates/George Michael)
An acoustic opener becomes a hand-clappy singalong before going all hoedown with a countryish end. I'm starting to notice a trend in Paula's mentoring. Their vocals were decent but it was a little bit too Good, Clean All-American for my liking.

7. Intensity - The Clapping Song/Footloose (Shirley Ellis/Kenny Loggins)
The 10-strong group is made up from youthful solo rejects, and as mash-ups go it wasn't bad, in a Glee kind of way. However, some of the soloists should stick to harmonies. Footloose. That's so hot right now. At least this one found a style and stuck to it.

8. Lakoda Rayne - Come On Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Runners)
Made up of four female rejects (apparently us boys going to want to date them... erm, no...), this started off with the ballad fake-out before going all bootscootin' country- but it in a way that worked far better for the song. Some of the harmonies in the vocals sounded pre-recorded, which I hope is a compliment.

Judgement time again. Paula has a far stronger category, and a tougher decision. She saves Stereo Hogzz, Lakoda Rayne and Intensity. So The Brewer Boys, the rather bland but sweet duo go home. Fair play.

TEAM NICOLE SCHERZINGER
9. Dexter Haygood - Womanizer/I Kissed A Girl (Britney Spears/Katy Perry)
He's the mentally ill homeless or something James Brown ish bloke with the moves like Jagger and screams like Steve Tyler, dressed like Adam Ant. About as close to a car crash as this series is likely to get. A shouty, nonsensical mash-up that certainly had impact- but let's face it, anything good about it had nothing to do with Dexter. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the US Wagner. No, I'm giving him. Take him. Away. Please.

10. Leroy Bell - Nobody Knows (P!nk)
It's odd how one of P!nk's least successful (and least known) songs has gone onto have a new life a vocalist showcase on shows such as this. His smoky vocals were very much up to it, and actually suited the song in a Michael Bolton rock ballad kind of way, but there is a reason it wasn't a big hit.

11. Stacey Francis - One More Try (George Michael)
Phenomenal vocals from one of the audition favourites, as she launched into a respectfully gospel-tinged version of a great, but rather dull song. Yes, it did get a little bit screechy but in a forgivable way, injecting a bit of life into the song.

12. Josh Krajick - Forever Young (Bob Dylan)
Nicely stripped down, the big burly guy showcased his bigger burlier voice.

Judgement time #3. Nicole saves Stacey, Josh and Leroy. Wagner- sorry, Dexter- goes home. Phew.

TEAM SIMON COWELL
13. Simone Battle - Just Be Good To Me (The SOS Band)
Girl got confidence fo' sho'. Unfortunately she doesn't have the talent to back it up. I loved the funky production, but her vocals were probably the weakest so far tonight.

14. Rachel Crow - Baby Love/Baby (The Supremes/Justin Bieber)
The adorably precocious little afroed girl. I'm assuming. Irritating little turd, I thought. Horses for courses, I guess. Speaking of which, why Simon decided to dress a 13-year-old in tweed, I cannot imagine. Again, the vocals were just not up to scratch. If she'd waited until she was about 16 she might have had a better shot. But the judges see and hear something I don't, so she needn't worry too much.

15. Drew - Flashdance... What A Feeling (Irene Cara)
In X Factor UK we saw Sophie Habibis reduce a vibrant song about teenage verve into the dreariest of ballads. Here, Drew does the same thing; take a song that celebrates life and dance, then transform it into a dirge. I found her squeaky Janet Devlin voice rather horrid too. Not for me. Wow, and I thought LA's team was bad... And look who's next.

16. Thia Tolliver - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (Eurythmics)
This was the girl who originally only had two yeses before Simon strong-armed her through, despite her being shit (or "pitchy"). The ballad fake-out became a quite interesting goth opera choral arrangement. But she. Can't. Fucking. SING.

17. Melanie Amaro - I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston)
The one Simon turned down, despite clearly winning the whole series in her audition performance of Beyoncé's Listen. So, naturally, she sticks out in Simon's category like a sore thumb as the one with the best voice. He's clearly doing his best to sabotage her voice by giving her a big, dramatic, Bond-esque ballad and giving it a bland RnB karaoke production. Fortunately, her vocals were better than that. I can't believe she's only 19!

Fourth and final judgement time. Simon sends through Drew (apparently SHE's the no-brainer), Rachel (because that's "what America wants") and Melanie (TF for that). Thia is, surprisingly, likeably gracious in defeat. Simone, however, plugs her new single. Sounds like someone hasn't read their X Factor contract.

So there you go. What a massive disappointment. I guarantee next week will be better, though. (Please.)

The X Factor 2011 (update/preview)

Yep, it's back, so so am I! Well, nearly.

I've been waiting for the live shows with properly full performances to review, and they've finally started. Not only that, but we'll have the US X Factor starting their live shows in less than two weeks' time, and I'm hoping to review them too. And once that's all over we'll see the return of American Idol and (hopefully) the launch of The Voice UK, so hopefully there'll be plenty for me to write about.

As for now, I've just watched the rather underwhelming first round of the UK live shows. There's no public vote, as the judges each vote one of their own acts out of the competition tomorrow night. This will all have been and gone by the time I post my reviews, but my thoughts are already on Twitter (@shriggles) if you can't wait that long...!

Watch this space, hopefully I'll have posted something before the second round, next Saturday.

(c) SRW 2011. All opinions are mine. If you like what you read, all the better; if not, other opinions are available.